A/N – Yes, a post Cyberwoman introspective. What can I say, I like my angst.
And again, it's based on a song. I've posted the English lyrics at the end. It is from the German musical "Elisabeth". You can hear it here with subtitles (skip to 5.27) with the standard Youtube address /watch?v=VPYUejgOuLM
If I Were Your Mirror
Ianto had been back from his suspension for a little over a week, and to say things were awkward was an extreme understatement. He was more of a ghost in the hub than he had been before everything went to hell.
He sat alone in the tourist office working on some reports. Tosh had brought him a coffee that morning and smiled at him. He was sure she thought he was still upset. In a way he was, but not in the sense she (and probably the others) believed.
Opening the security window on his screen, he pulled up the camera feed for the main hub area. No one was really speaking to him, so he was checking to see if the natives were getting restless. One of the cameras showed a view into Jack's office. The captain was sitting at his desk shuffling papers around.
Jack had come to Ianto's flat once during the suspension. It was only to outline what was to happen – there was to be no execution, he would not be retconned unless he wanted to be, and he was expected back at work in 30 days. Then nothing. When Ianto had returned to the hub, Jack made himself scarce. When Ianto brought the coffee in, the captain always seemed to be on the phone. He'd disappear by the end of the day, so if Ianto wanted to speak with him he'd have to sit alone in the Hub and hope he'd return. When the team went out on missions, Ianto was always paired with Tosh and Jack would go off on his own.
Ianto watched Jack on the screen. The captain seemed exhausted. As if sensing the camera on him, Jack looked up and Ianto closed the window before picking up the phone to order lunch.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
"You shouldn't be here"
"Neither should you"
It was late and they stood in the darkened hub staring at each other for what seemed an eternity. It was the first conversation consisting of more than "Coffee?"… "Yeah" they'd had in weeks and Ianto wasn't sure what to say. Jack was standing there in his trousers and a t-shirt and had obviously just woken up.
Ianto faltered. He had gotten caught up in some local readings and had gone down to the archives to research it. Apparently that had been hours ago, and no one had noticed his absence. He started to turn away from Jack to avoid a conversation but the older man followed him.
"What have we got?" Jack said leaning close behind him, placing a hand on Ianto's shoulder
"Funny sort of weather pattern." Ianto managed to blurt out. For weeks Jack wouldn't even look at him. Now this. He wanted so much to talk to the captain. To tell him that he wasn't a monster. But every time he had tried to reach out, Jack had backed off.
A few days later, Ianto had watched as the team stormed out of the hub. They didn't understand. He knew what Jack had done. He knew how necessary it had been. Just as he knew the Cyberman had to be destroyed. It wasn't Lisa anymore. Ianto understood, as Jack did, that Torchwood was bigger than the girl Jasmine... bigger than Lisa. He was about to go to Jack, but the Captain had gone from the office. Ianto sighed. Why couldn't Jack see that he understood?
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
The drive back from the Brecon Beacons was silent. Too much had happened. Ianto's thoughts turned to that shed…. The helpless feeling that he was alone. He thought he was going to die. Then Jack had come – like a knight in shining armor.
Back at the Hub, Ianto sat on the battered couch. Owen was tending to Gwen in the med bay and Tosh was finding solace in her computer programs. He thought about all that had happened… not just today, but since he joined Torchwood. He knew he was trapped… he'd never leave, except in a body bag. He closed his eyes. It was too much to bear alone.
"Jack?"
He felt a weight rest on the sofa beside him and the familiar scent filled his nostrils. "How are you doing?"
"I need you." Ianto whispered.
He felt Jack's strong arm wrap gently around his shoulder. "I'm here."
-End-
A/N – I decided to end it on a more positive note than the song. It's not exactly how I had planned, but I think it works. Comments are always appreciated.
FYI – the song is sung by Rudolf the Crown Prince of Austria. He is pleading for help from his absent mother after everything seems to be going against him. She pushes him away once more and he eventually commits suicide. (Hey it's a true story, can't change history)
How often I've waited for you to speak to me
As I hope that you would finally break the silence
But it scares you how similar we are
So unnecessary, so tired
of the world which begins to die
If I were your mirror
Then you would see yourself in me
Then you would not find it hard
To believe that I understand you
Until you turn around
Because you recognize yourself in me
You pull me closer
and leave me
If I look at you
You turn your eyes from mine
We are strangers yet we are so alike
I give you signs
I want you to reach out
But between us stands a wall
If I were your mirror
Then you would see yourself in me
Then you would not find it hard
To believe I understand you
(What is the problem? What? What do you want here?)
Mama, I need you…
I come in dire need
I feel trapped and surrounded
Threatened by the danger
of disgrace before the world
Only you alone can I trust with my worries
I see no way out
Court and marriage are a pain to me
I am sick, my life is empty
And now that wretched scandal!
Perhaps if you ask the emperor for me
It might not be too late…
So you let me down…