First Reactions

Words were no longer enough, smashing things was no longer any help. He wanted to run, he wanted to keep running and never look back, he wanted to be somewhere he could not see the clear blue eyes staring at him. That hatefully calm old face. He turned on his heels and ran towards the door, seized the doorknob, and wrenched it open. He darted down the stairs and the stone gargoyle that guarded Dumbledore's office. He didn't know where he was going. His feet were carrying him far away, as his mind raced with all that had happened . . . neither can live while the other survives . . .

Before he knew it, he was in the Forbidden Forest, going deeper than he had ever dared to go. Not caring if he'd be lost in it's depths forever. All he knew was the swelling in pain in his heart and an increasingly painful cramp in his side.

He ran until he was doubled over with the pain from his side. He fell to his knee's, his head hanging, sweat pouring off of his body. He wanted out, he wanted it to end, he had seen more than he had ever wanted to see. He had lost his parents, a school mate, and now, mere hours before, Sirius Black. He was the closest thing he had ever had to a parent. Someone who actually loved him. With that thought, he wretched violently on the grounded beneath him. It was all too much, way too much.

Then something caught his eye. Something glinting in the monotonous moon light. He shakily moved over and picked it up. It was a shard of glass. Encrusted in many layers of dirt.

'Probably from one of Professor Trewlawney's sherry bottles when she went on her little escapades.' He thought bitterly.

The glint of the glass had an effect on him he would never understand. It ignited a sort of longing inside of him. Like here was the solution to all of his pain. As he wiped the dirt off the shard, he slit his finger on the glass. The spark of pain was all it took to let him know he was still alive, still able to feel. As the pain past, he longed for more. The pain he felt was completely different from what he was going through right now. He longed to get away from the gapping whole in his heart. With that thought. He tentatively pushed the edge of the 'blade' against his wrist. He bit back a scream as the pain seared across his left wrist. He stared at it as his blood leaked out of the cut. He subconsciously picked up the shard of glass and pressed it deeper into his skin.

The blood started to flow an easy, crimson color. He laid down, his head spinning from the amount of blood flowing out of the cut. He thought he was going to die right her, right now. 'At least I'll be with Sirius again.' And with that thought he let the darkness consume him.

But the pleasurable peace didn't stay very long. He was soon being awaken by someone calling his name

"Harry! Harry!" called a distantly familiar voice.

"Come on, he would never be in this deep!" said another voice that seemed to spark another flame of furry. He went to move to get out of the way, but when he moved, unbelievable pain seared through his body and he groaned.

"Harry? HARRY!" said the first voice, sounding panicked as the person caught sight of him, "Harry, what happened? Harry say something! Anything!"

Harry willed himself to open his eyes and at once regretted it as the ground began to sway dangerously beneath him.

"What happened to him Lupin?" said the second voice. 'Lupin, that's who it was' Harry thought with a sense of realization.

"How am I suppose to know?" Lupin shot back bitterly, "Harry, say something. Please" As Harry opened his mouth to respond, he started coughing violently. He wasn't aware of the hands grabbing him under his arms and pulling him into a sitting position, as he started to cough up blood. When his coughing fit ended, Lupin said, "We need to get him back to the castle." But Harry didn't hear the response as he fell back into unconsciousness.

He awoke (he guessed) early the next morning for there was barely any light shinning through the window. Still feeling extremely queasy, he didn't even bother opening his eyes. But despite that little fact, someone next to him knew he was awake.

"How are you feeling Harry?" came the anxious but clearly relieved voice of Remus Lupin

"Fine." Harry said shortly, knowing he had just stated a down right lie.

"Harry . . . Please talk to me. I'm worried!" Lupin said. Harry snorted. Worried? Worried for the Boy-Who-Lived more like it. He understood now. They just wanted their savior happy and safe. But he was now out of their reach, he was depressed passed their understanding, and no matter what anyone did, he would always be a danger to himself. His thoughts were now his most deadly aspect.

"Harry! Please I'm grieving too! It'll make it a lot easier if we stay together." Lupin said noticing the distant, glazed look in his eyes. Suddenly he snapped out of it and glared daggers at Lupin.

"YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH! NO ONE DOES! YOU HAVE NO IDEA!" Harry screamed so suddenly that Lupin jumped .

"Harry, I do, I lost him too." Lupin said as unshed tears glistened in his eyes, sending new waves of guilt at him. The guilt was continually gnawing at him. 'It's my fault. All my fault. And it's killing Lupin that he's gone.' Harry thought. But it just enraged him more that he was hurting Lupin, but the rage wasn't directed at anyone but himself. He needed an outlet and Lupin was still there.

"YES! YOU LOST A BROTHER! I LOST A FATHER! THE ONLY FATHER FIGURE I'VE EVER KNOWN!" Harry screamed, pulling his knees to his chest while resting his head on them. His hands practically pulling his hair out in frustration, anger, guilt, and sorrow. Just like before, yelling wasn't enough. He needed something sharp. He needed Lupin to leave.

"Lupin, please just leave me alone." He said sounding considerably calmer. The sudden change in his voice is what startled Lupin to leave. The thing that kept him going was the unbelievably noticeable pleading note in his voice. Little did he know what would take place when he left.