Spider-man: Comedy Rewrite
This is a comedy rewrite intended not to tell the story of Spider-man's origin, but purely to get a laugh out of it. There will be little detail or writing skills used. Please note that I have elected to write this in a style of a young child for comedic effect. With that said, you should read the entire thing in the stupidest voice you can imagine. Enjoy!
Peter was at school, minding his own business, when a guy with a cool name walked up to him.
"'Sup, I'm gonna punch your face now!" The guy, named Flash, said whilst punching Peter's face.
"Waah!" Peter whinged, "I'm telling Uncle Ben!"
"I don't care!" Flash replied, punching Peter's face several more times.
"Stop it, my face hurts!"
"GOOD!"
Later that day, Peter was at home after a bad day of school.
"Peter, what's wrong with your face?" Uncle Ben asked, seeing the bruises on Peter's face.
"I got bullied!" Peter responded, wimpy tears flooding his eyes.
"That's nice." Ben replied, too busy reading his newspaper to care.
"But Uncle Ben, I got BULLIED!" Peter whinged.
"That's nice." Ben repeated, absorbed by the more important matter of reading the newspaper.
"You're stupid!" Peter stormed, running out of the house. He knew what to do: run away from home and live the remainder of his life in a cave! That seemed sensible.
As Peter walked the streets of New York, he gradually realised there weren't any caves in New York.
"New York is stupid!" He shouted. In response, every citizen in the street turned on him and beat him up. More flooded in from all over New York and lined up to punch Peter in the face.
"Next!" Called the policeman regulating the event. When the whole population of New York City had punched Peter in the face and left, the policeman took his turn.
"You're stupid!" The policeman shouted as he punched Peter in the face.
When everyone was gone, Peter crawled back up and saw a pointy building.
"Wow, that building is pointy!" He exclaimed, ignoring his near-death experience and walking over to the pointy building.
"What are you doing here?" Asked a scientist as Peter walked in the door.
"I saw the pointiness of your building and wanted to touch it." Peter responded.
"This is Oscorp, a sciency place. You don't belong here!"
"You're stupid!" Peter punched the scientist in the face and left.
Outside the pointy building, Peter kicked several innocent city-goers in the shins.
"You suck! You stink! I hate you!" He would shout each time he kicked people. The people he kicked turned round and punched him, and suddenly the whole of New York was there beating him up again.
"I sure wish I was awesome!" Peter sighed after the crowd had dispersed.
"Ooh, a spider!" He exclaimed, seeing a spider on his hand. "Ow!" He cried as it bit him.
"Don't bite me! You're poop!" He shouted, crushing the spider.
Peter woke up the next morning. He had actually found himself a cave! Sure, everyone else called it the subway, but to him it was his home.
"I'm awake now!" He exclaimed. He then tried to sit up and realised that his hand was stuck to the ground with white stuff.
"What did I dream about last night?!" He gasped, but then he realised it was web, not what he thought it was.
"Woah, I did a web!" Peter gasped. He then realised he was really strong when he ripped the web off.
"Whoopee! I'm strong now!" Peter shouted, punching a hole in the ceiling of the cave and running with his new super speed to school.
"Hey Flash!" Peter called to the bully in the middle of the playground. Flash stepped away from his skipping rope buddies and stepped over to Peter.
"I'm gonna punch your face now!" Flash announced.
"No, I'm gonna punch yours!" Peter corrected Flash. He then punched Flash in the face. Flash's brain shot out the back of his head with the force of the blow, and then Peter realised he was REALLY COOL!
"Woah, Peter just murdered Flash! Get him!" The students said, raising fists against Peter. Peter wrapped them all in a web before breaking all their limbs.
"Losers!" He scoffed, using webs to swing away.
"Perhaps I'd better go tell Uncle Ben that I'm better than him now." Peter thought aloud, and looked for his Uncle below. He saw him, and jumped down near him, but a thief appeared from nowhere.
"Out of my way, I'm a thief!" He shouted, but Uncle Ben grabbed him.
"Thieves are poop!" Ben announced, but the thief pulled out a gun and shot him.
"Ow! Now I'm going to die! Bully!" Ben stuttered before dying.
"You killed my Uncle!" Peter exclaimed, chasing after the now fleeing killer.
"Yes I did, because good guys STINK!"
"No they don't, bad guys stink!" Peter shot a web at the thief, and the thief fell over.
"Wow, I should totally be a superhero!" Peter exclaimed, punching the thief's brains out.
The next day, Peter was talking to his friend, Harry.
"Look, I'm sorry your Uncle died, but I know what'll make you feel better." Harry said.
"What?" Peter replied doubtfully.
"I'll buy you a watermelon." Harry said. Peter looked at his friend for a moment, then hugged him.
"You're the bestest friend ever!" Peter cried.
Peter sat in his cave, looking at the watermelon.
"Watermelon, do you think I should be a superhero?" He asked. The watermelon was silent.
"You are so right! What should I call myself?" Peter asked. Again, the watermelon was silent.
"Watermelon, that's genius! I'll be Spider-man! Wow, watermelon, you're so great with words." Peter enthused.
"Hey, wanna be my sidekick?" Peter asked. The watermelon was silent.
"Cool! You can be Spider-melon!" Peter raved. And so Peter made a spider-man costume for himself and a spider-melon costume for the watermelon.
Spider-man swung across the city, no longer wimpy Peter, but strong Spider-man. Spider-melon hung from a baby carrier across Spider-man's chest, since he hadn't discovered his powers yet.
"Oh no, it's a dinosaur!" Spider-man exclaimed, seeing the Lizard running rampant below. He hurriedly dropped down in front of the Lizard and held out Spider-melon.
"Stop right there, dinosaur!" He said menacingly.
"I'm a lizard." The Lizard sighed.
"Whatever! You don't belong here, so I'm gonna beat you up!" Spider-man shouted.
"I'd like to see you try." The Lizard snorted.
"OK, then. Spider-melon, attack!" Spider-man threw Spider-melon at the Lizard. Spider-melon hit the lizard in the face and exploded, knocking the Lizard away.
"Noooo! Spider-melon, you're dead!" Spider-man cried, picking up the splattered melon and cradling it in his arms.
"Live for me, Spider-man! I may be melon-juice, but you live on. Make me proud and avenge me!" Spider-melon's mangled remains warbled before all life left the melon.
"Did somebody call for avenging?" Asked Ironman, who had just appeared out of nowhere.
"No! Get lost!" Spider-man shouted, shooting Ironman in the face with a web. "This is MY story!"
With that, Spider-man chased down the Lizard and punched his brains out.
"Now you're dead, too!" He shouted, and so his catchphrase came to be.
He left a note on the Lizard's body. He considered writing "from your friendly neighbourhood Spider-man", but that seemed stupid. Instead, he simply put "This guy is dead."
Spider-man was ready to face the world, and nothing would stop him.
The end. As I said, this is simply a mickey-take of the Spider-man origin story. I put little to no effort towards this; I simply had an idea and made it happen. There will be more like this in the future, so if you happen to like it for some strange reason then be happy! If you want to comment, please do, but keep in mind that this story is supposed to be short, simple and, put simply, terribly written. So, no negative comments about the fact that I wrote like a child, please. It was intentional, and only for comedic effect.
Thanks for reading, guys.