R/S, Some angst. Set straight after TS so possible spoilers for TS. Not my characters but only on loan (I wish).
Thinking
The sun was slowly going down at the end of a hot summer Jersey day. I had been at Point Pleasant, renting a beach house, for the last 2 weeks. I had needed a vacation, a real vacation, away from everyone and everything back in Trenton. The beach house was perfect, 2 bedrooms, open plan living and a huge deck overlooking the beach. I was spending most of my time in the hammock on the deck, reading, listening to music and thinking. Usually I try to avoid doing the last part but I couldn't seem to help myself. I was thinking and thinking and thinking. And what I was thinking about was Ricardo Carlos Manoso, aka Ranger.
It had been 4 months since he had been shot in my apartment in front of me and his daughter Julie. Four months since I had had an emotional meltdown of epic proportions and I had come around to a few life changing conclusions. First, I loved Joe and I had told him. Second, I wasn't in love with him and that meant we finished our relationship in the length of time it took for Joe and I to sit down and tell each other the truth about how we felt, both of us feeling much better after we talked. Third, I was in love with Ranger. Fourth, well, the fourth thing was I never got around to telling Ranger I was in love with him because, well, because 2 months ago he had left Trenton without telling me or anyone else where he was going, how long he was going to be away or even if he was even coming back at all. And that was the real gut wrenching part.
On the day he had left, I had pulled into the garage at RangeMan like I'd done every day since Ranger had come out of hospital. He had been back in full circulation for 2 weeks after having a 5 week lay off recuperating and I visited him every day. In fact, I couldn't have stayed away if I had tried. Seeing him and being with him was like a drug I couldn't give up. On that day, I swung out of my Mini and headed to the elevator as usual when I noticed that Tank was standing in front of the doors.
"Hey Tank, how's it going big guy?' I smiled up at him and went to hit the button. He stared at me. Then said in a low voice, grabbing my hand with his big one.
"Steph, ah, Steph, Ranger's not here, he's gone." I looked at him as if he was talking Dutch. What did he mean?
"Okay, well when will he be back?" I asked.
"Well, that's it, he's gone, taken his passport, some of his stuff and he's really gone. He didn't leave me any information and believe me even if he had told me not to tell you I would let you know where he was." I looked at him and saw that he was in pain and was looking at me trying to work out what my reaction was going to be.
Oookkaaaaayyy, this was not good, not good at all. I calmly turned on my heel, got back in my car and headed out of the garage. I drove in a daze back to my apartment. And that was how the period of my thinking began.
The first week, I felt an absolute and overwhelming anger at Ranger. How dare he leave me, I thought, when I was ready to tell him something that was so life shattering like I'm in love you, I want you for better or worse, every day and every night, forever and ever and he wasn't here!!!! I was full of rage, my eyes and head felt like they were exploding, and I wanted to hit and kick something really really really hard. Those feelings lasted a week. Tank called me and said he hadn't heard anything from Ranger. I closed my eyes and cried.
The second week, I felt sadness. Why didn't Ranger want me like I wanted him? If he'd really wanted me he would be here with me now. I thought of all the things he had said to me. His life didn't lend itself to relationships, his love didn't come with a ring, he wouldn't do anything stupid like marriage or pregnancy and so on and so on. My heart was shattering into tiny pieces and all I could think about was how stupid I was to think for even a second that he wanted anything different, like a real relationship with me. Tank called me and said he hadn't heard anything from Ranger. I closed my eyes and cried.
The third week, I felt a small amount of strength inside me. With a spark of spirit, I thought to myself, who cared if Ranger was gone – I didn't, because my life would move on. Ranger didn't want to be with me and I suddenly realised that even if I still wanted him bad, he wasn't here and I needed to get over it. I went out with the girls to a club but part of my mind was still elsewhere. I could finally be out in public without breaking down and I had a good time dancing and laughing at their crazy shit but I still felt like something was missing. When I got home, I found that Tank had called me and left a message on my answer machine saying he hadn't heard anything from Ranger. I closed my eyes and cried.
The fourth week, I felt distracted and irritable. Okay, so Ranger had gone, I was here and I needed to carry on and I felt that thinking about Ranger was holding me back. I went to RangeMan and got all my stuff from Ranger's 7th floor apartment. I walked around the rooms feeling a bit like an intruder as I gathered my things and then felt a spurt of sadness as I left the apartment sensing that I had some closure. Tank had met me in the garage and said he hadn't heard anything from Ranger. I got into my Mini and I closed my eyes and cried.
The fifth week I finally had a week where I didn't think of Ranger every second of the day. Lula and I had pulled in some really hard skips. We had also spent lots of time with Tank in his Rangeman apartment, hanging out, watching movies and eating junk. Lula and Tank were considerate and I never felt like a third wheel – in fact they even came with me to my parents for dinner on Saturday night. When they were dropping me off at my apartment, Tank told me he hadn't heard anything from Ranger. I managed to get out of the SUV before I closed my eyes and cried.
The sixth week I decided I needed to do something for myself. I had a haircut, my nails done, my body waxed and a massage. I felt great. I went shopping and brought new clothes, sophisticated and elegant and some sexy stuff too. I felt energised. I talked to my mother and she told me how much she admired me for being so strong and how she was sorry she had ever tried to make me into something I wasn't. While I was at my parents house, Tank called me and told me he hadn't heard from Ranger. My Dad held me while I closed my eyes and cried.
The seventh week, I decided I needed a change of scenery. I booked a beach house at Pleasant Point for 2 weeks and I told everybody they could contact me on my cell phone. I packed a light bag with my bikini and a few clothes and headed off. A feeling of freedom overtook me as I drove away from Trenton. I suddenly felt lighter and I was happy as I sung along to Bon Jovi and AC/DC. The house was so inviting I immediately relaxed then happily pottered around putting everything in order. I found the hammock and lay in it looking at the sky. Tank called me and told me he hadn't heard from Ranger. I closed my eyes and cried. But when I finished crying I turned and went to the kitchen – time for dinner and a good meal had never stopped me before. I cracked a beer and felt at peace with myself for the first time in a long time. I still loved Ranger more than my life, but I finally felt happy in my own skin.
The eighth week I was really relaxed. My life revolved around getting up late, eating on the deck, sitting in the hammock and listening to music. Long walks on the beach were also right up there and my mood was mellow. Hey, I even felt like dancing to music. I still thought about Ranger but it was more a feeling of sadness of what would never be and I felt like I could get to the edge of the cliff without jumping off.
So this was the zone I was in as I walked down the beach as the sun was setting. My feet were skipping in the waves, I watched the gulls wheel over head and for the first time I felt truly relaxed. I had to head home the day after tomorrow but for now I felt like this was my universe and I was almost happy.
I looked up and saw someone at the end of the beach walking toward me. My senses started overloading – it looked like Ranger, with the dark hair and the kick ass body – but since I had done a lot of hallucinating that Ranger was around me from the moment he had left, I made myself dampen the feelings down. Get a grip Steph, it's time to head back for dinner.
I turned and started to walk back to the house but as I neared the steps to the deck something made me turn back toward where I thought the stranger would be walking down the beach. But I gasped as the person had materialised about 20 feet from me. I looked at the familiar face and suddenly felt like I was going to pass out. The shock of seeing him had to be showing on my face as I stared and stared and stared. I turned abruptly and kept on walking as fast I could toward the house hoping to get away from the acute pain I felt seeing Ranger appear in front of me. Just was I was about to step onto the deck I heard his voice say "Stephanie" and I slowly turned back toward him.
It was Ranger but it was a different Ranger than I had ever seen. His hair was short, curling around his ears and neck. He was dressed in faded blue denim jeans and a white linen shirt, sleeves rolled up and the collar open at his throat, showing a glint of gold chain. His face was slimmer and he looked tired, and there were also a few more lines on his face than before. He also looked slightly nervous, like he was almost about to turn and run. But he still looked beautiful and my heart stuttered.
Then a surge of anger gripped me.
He was an arms length away standing with his hands in his pockets, looking at me with his blank face on. I walked up to him looking in his eyes the whole time, staring right into his eyes with an intensity of feeling that almost choked me and before I could stop myself I swung my hand back and hit him on the left cheek as hard as I could. His head swung back from the impact. He was shocked and so was I, I think.
I hissed at him. "What the hell are you doing here? What do you want?"
With the growing red mark on his face, he looked down at his feet. He said very quietly. "I have some things I need to say to you and then I'll go. Can I come in, please?" He'd said please and I couldn't refuse him. I nodded dumbly – it was so surreal anyway, my mind was still in shock that he was actually standing here with me.
We walked onto the deck and I opened the French doors and we went inside. I stomped through to the kitchen and grabbed 2 beers from the fridge, bringing them back and handing one to Ranger. We walked out onto the deck and sat on 2 chairs facing the sea with the table between us. We both cracked open the lid on the bottles and drank. A silence settled on us but not an easy one. I was on edge waiting for him to speak. There was no way I breaking this silence, the ball was well and truly in his court.
He looked at me and seemed to be making a decision. Then in a low voice he started speaking.
"When I realised that Scrog had you and Julie in your apartment that night, I closed down, went into lock down mode. That man" he spat out the words "had the 2 most precious things in my life and I knew with absolute certainty that I had to get in there and try to get you both out. My emotional attachment was kicking in big time and it was hell." He was staring out to the sea and I quickly glanced at him. I was shocked – he thought I was one of the most precious things in his life? What? His face was tense and the lines around his mouth were more pronounced.
"When I saw you on that chair, and Julie, I knew in that single moment, that I would gladly give my life if it meant you and her were safe. I made a promise to God that if we all got out of there alive then I would start thinking about my life and everything in it, to decide what it was that was really important to me," He turned and looked at me straight in the eyes. "who it was that was really important to me." I stared back and he must have seen something in my face because he continued.
"Those weeks afterwards were hell for me. I was getting physically better but I couldn't seem to get my head together to start thinking about anything. I loved having you around and looking after me and I was thankful you still felt you wanted to see me after the mess I had involved you in with Scrog." I tried to interrupt him but he held out his hand and looked at me and I settled down again to listen. I had never heard Ranger talk so much in the whole time we had been friends that I think I was momentarily stunned. Ranger carried on.
"I spent most of the weeks recovering my strength and trying to make sense of what had happened to me. When I finally started working again, I realised….," He tipped the beer and drained it. "I realised I would have to leave Trenton, to go away to think things through, away from everything and it scared the hell out of me." He sighed and he ran his hand through his hair. "Once I made that decision though, I couldn't relax, it was overwhelming, the need to get away and think. I made the arrangements and left that night."
Ranger set his empty bottle on the table. "Steph, I'm so sorry that I didn't take the time to explain to you what was going on in my head, how messed up I was and that I needed to go away and think. Leaving you like that has haunted me every day I've been gone, especially as I know I must have really hurt you." He looked at me and I gave a quick nod, my eyes filling with tears and I looked back out to sea. I heard him breathe in sharply and he waited a few minutes before carrying on.
"I really had no idea where I was going to go, and I had thought about going to the Carribean, some deserted island, but in the end, I drove to Miami and stayed with my brother, Tomas. It was a good decision because while I was there I was able to start to really get to know Julie, and not just from a sense of financial and moral obligation. I wanted to know her as the special person that she is and I wanted her to know me as someone who loves her and has always loved her."
He gave a shaky sigh and his voice wavered, something I'd never heard from Ranger before. "And luckily for me, she does want to know me and we are a long way toward building something really special between us. I thank God that for some reason I've been given a second chance with her." He looked at me as he said this and I felt like he was trying to work out if I understood what he was saying. I nodded and he carried on talking, resting his hands on the table.
"I also started thinking about my work, about Rangeman, bounty hunting, the other businesses I'm involved in, what I do and why I do it. I had to seriously weigh up whether the work and the lifestyle I have because of my work was something I wanted to continue." When he said this, I was absolutely shocked and my face must have shown this. There was never a time that I ever thought Ranger would question his work because in my mind Ranger and his work were one and the same. In that instant I realised the enormity of what he had been thinking about and how seriously he was affected by the whole business with Scrog.
Ranger sighed and looked down at his hands "I have done a lot of things in my life, some things I'm not very proud of, some things I am. My past will always haunt me because of what I did and who I was, but I realised that despite all of that, I love my job and I love the company I've helped to create. I want to carry on doing what I'm doing, though maybe different to the current set up, but I know I need to do it and I'm good at it." He smiled his full on smile and looked at me. "It's also something I have in common with you and I want to make sure that continues."
A few minutes passed and then in a quiet, almost seductive voice he said "And then, last but not least, there was you Stephanie Plum, because I really needed to think about you." I had been staring at my feet while he was talking but slowly, reluctantly, I raised my eyes to his. He stared at me as if he was seeing into my soul and I was so mesmerised, I couldn't look away even if I had wanted to. I was reading something in his eyes that made my heart jump and I suddenly felt hope blossom inside me. Instinctively, I put my hand out toward him and he grabbed it tightly, lacing his fingers through mine.
He sighed a deep sigh and gripped my hand even tighter. "I realised straight away that I had made so many stupid mistakes when it came to you that I was surprised you were still around and still wanting to be part of my life. I also realised that despite what my lame ass brain was thinking, we already had a relationship and that it was one sided – you were giving me your trust, loyalty and friendship and I was taking those things without even realising how special and lucky I was to get them." He shot me a questioning look and I tilted the corners of my mouth up in a slight smile. He looked relieved and his voice continued.
"I couldn't acknowledge what you were giving me because I was too busy trying to maintain my distance from you, not letting you near me, because of some screwed up idea that I was protecting you from danger because of me." I looked at him as he was speaking and realised that he was really serious about what he was saying.
"Scrog made me realise that, whether I wanted to admit or not, whether you were with me or not, nothing I could do was going to change the possible danger you and I put ourselves in by simply doing our jobs. And because I would never try and change anything about you Babe because I love you exactly the way you are I realised that I needed to accept that possible danger was part of your life already. And I had absolutely no control over that."
He still sounded like he was getting used that idea and that maybe he was working on that still. I felt like a great weight had lifted off me and before he carried on speaking, I brought his hand up to my lips and kissed his knuckles. Ranger looked at me in amazement. I grinned a for sure grin at him and then turned to look straight ahead at the sea. He carried on but the tone of voice was almost happy, excited even.
"Once I accepted all of those things, I realised that there was no reason for my distance from you – absolutely no reason at all, in fact it had all been in my mind. The second I had that thought I literally jumped in the Turbo and drove like a madman back to find you." Ranger paused and I know he was looking at me. I continued to look straight ahead. I felt his look searing my skin like a touch but I carried on staring straight ahead, not sure how this was going, trying to get my shell-shocked feelings in order.
I felt him bring my hand up to his mouth and he kissed each of my knuckles, then turned over the palm and placed an open mouthed kiss on it as I slowly turned my head to stare at him. My insides turned to water and I felt as if time had stopped as I looked into his dark brown eyes, losing myself in the gaze.
He carefully placed our meshed hands back on the table and said slowly and clearly, making sure I was listening to every word he said, looking me straight in the eye.
"Stephanie, Babe, you are my life, you make me whole and I love you absolutely and totally. I never want to be apart from you. You make me the person I've always wanted to be when I'm with you. You are my sun and my moon, the air I breathe and the ground beneath my feet. Please, Steph, please let me love you." The last words were said on a whisper, and I heard the plea in his voice.
As he started saying those words, everything I had tried to shelve over the past 6 months crashed down on me. I was crying, great sobs racking my body, all the emotions I had buried deep inside me suddenly had a release. I couldn't stop even if I wanted to and I found myself bent over double with my hands covering my eyes, the sobs tearing out of my body. Ranger moved swiftly, kneeling in front of me, grasping my shoulders murmuring "Babe" as he gathered me to his chest and I sobbed uncontrollably against his shoulder as he whispered words in my ear and against my hair and rubbed his hands up and down my arms. I fought to get myself together as my thoughts churned through my head and I took great gulping breaths trying to stop the sobs. Slowly, I managed to get myself under control and I raised my head off Rangers shoulders, my eyes searching his. What I saw in his eyes was like the sun coming out from behind a cloud, he was lit up and it was so amazing that it was almost too much for me to bear.
Instead I reached out with my hands, framing his face, running my fingers through his hair and all the time staring into the dark pools of his eyes. I gathered my courage and started to speak.
"Ranger, when you walked into my apartment that night with Scrog I knew that you were willing to give your life for me. Nothing can ever repay what you gave me that night and after you had been shot I knew that my world had completely changed. I started to think about us, you and I. Straight away, I realised that even though I loved Joe, I wasn't in love with him and I ended things with him as soon as could." I rubbed my face, sighing.
"I also realised that I was completely, head over heels, in love with you" When I said that I looked into Rangers eyes and let him see all the emotion in my eyes. Ranger's eyes full of tenderness and love, glittered at me. "And when you went away and I hadn't told you how I felt, as time went by everything inside me started to die, I didn't think I would ever have a chance to tell you or that you would even want to hear it." I shuddered and breathed deeply "I just can't believe how long I've wanted you to tell me that you love me, just like I love you."
I looked up at him, staring straight into his eyes and said simply "I love you Ricardo Carlos Manoso, I am yours. I want to spend my life with you, for better or worse, every day and every night." As I said the last words his lips crashed down onto mine forcing my head back against my chair. As his tongue crossed my lips and delved into my mouth, I moaned and gave up any pretence at being in control, because I was feeling way out of control.
Our tongues were tangled, our lips locked and my hands were threaded through his hair. He lifted me up, out of the chair and my legs automatically came up and wrapped around his hips as he pressed his hand against my ass, molding me to him. He started to press butterfly kisses all over my face, my eyelids, nose, cheeks, ears, forehead. I hooked my arm around his neck and forced his lips back to mine and I carefully ran my tongue over his bottom lip, sucking it into my mouth and biting down. He groaned and we staggered into the house, Ranger carrying me, trying not to bump into the furniture. At last we fell onto the couch, with me sprawled under him, legs apart and him resting between my thighs. Everything felt so absolutely right that when we looked at each other, time seemed to stop and suddenly we couldn't move.
"I love you Ranger" I whispered.
"I love you Babe" Ranger whispered back.
"Okay" I said, tangling my hands back in his hair and moving his mouth back toward mine, "For the next period of time, thinking is definitely not required" I smiled and looked into Ranger's eyes. He laughed and said "Yeah you're right, it's going to be a long, long time before I want to think about anything at all". I shivered as he lowered his mouth toward me, running his hands down my body, clasping my ass. And then we both stopped thinking as the sensations coursing through our bodies took over.
The end.