-1Me, Ashley, Carlos, Ethan, Victoria, and Alec were enjoying lunch in the cafeteria, of the school. They were discussing who was hot and half of us was disagreeing. "Chad's not hot! What are you talking bout?" Carlos said, spreading his hands out over the table on my right. Sitting next to me, Ashley was on my left, my best friend. Everyone else was in across from us. We were on the edge of the table. People sat with their friends and talked trash about their rivals, which will be around the whole school by next week, and we were talking about Chad Michael Murray. The usual stuff.
"Xavier apparently thinks so." Ashley lashed back. She had dark skin and her hair was kind of like Aaliyah's. She had hazel eye's and a smile that was fierce. Apparently I did think so. Because my head was on the table, arms wrapped around my head. I was blushing and didn't want to look at Carlos. He nudged me in my side by my underarm. He did it on purpose. I laughed as he put his arms around me tickling me. I tried not to, but in the end I was crying out of my eye's. I busted out laughing. I looked up an gave Carlos a your so dead next period look, only realizing to see everyone laughing at me. "Okay…he's cute, but Channing Tatum is way hotter." I said wiping tears. All of us then agreed, aside from Alec, Vic's boyfriend and Ethan, said nothing at all. Except smiling with the rest of us, purely laughing. I looked at Ethan. He had tan skin, deep blue eyes and black wavy hair that fell down to the crook of his neck. He was a shy guy and didn't talk much but he was a good and loyal friend to have. Me and him had a past, something no one knew at school. All the school knew was that we were friends.
But It had been more than that. He was my first. During the first few months, more like 5 months after freshman year here, I moved from New York to Cali, we became friends. He was finishing up his freshman year and it was too late for me to enroll. Well, I started to think he was cute and I hid my crush, freaking out when he was around for awhile. I couldn't be a friend to him because I was attracted to him. And it confused me, like any guy would. So later on, when I became distant with him as a way out of avoiding all of it, truthfully stop talking to him completely, he wanted to know the truth. He didn't do anything to make me mad, or nothing. I just stopped. I was playing basketball and he caught me at the park and I remember exactly how it happened:
"Why are you avoiding me??!!" he stormed over to the court, which was under a big cement structure, like an open tent. I passed the basketball his way getting him to play, hopefully avoiding the subject. He played but he pointed out everything, every single thing. He just had to know. And he was a great friend and all, don't get me wrong, but he made me see something different. And it bewildered me to know that. It was around 6 o clock and I had to get home. Saying I had curfew immediately after the game, I started walking home.
He asked countless unanswered questions. I gave him simple answers. He wanted to know more, and that I couldn't give him. And It irritated him. "You got jealous because Monica liked me at the party, so what if she kissed me?" he was fuming at the time. I wasn't jealous of him, I was jealous of her. "Stephanie liked you at the party and you didn't like her? She freakin' hot! She was feeling you at the party, man! She even told me? Why!" he whirled me around to face him and shoved the ball in my chest. "Why! Tell Me." Luckily I caught it. I took the ball, still in my hand, and walked through the park, cutting through the forest get home. "You're my best friend," he continued. He had tears coming down his face. "You mean more to me than you think. I don't want to stop being friends with you." I was kind of shocked that he was crying. And how he said made me feel bad from running from him. We were almost close my house. My hands were sweating like 24-hour fitness. We had entered one of the glades; the opening in the forest provided camping space for campers and hippie's trying to reenact stuff and smoke from the 'Peace Era'. He whirled me around. I just backed up slowly. I couldn't do this. "Tell me why you can't be friends with me. I didn't do anything to you. At least I don't think I did. Did I?" he asked. All I could do was laugh. He sounded like a jerk and it made me compelled to him even more. "No." My voice was shaking. I looked at my hands. They were as well. I felt like from some movie, when the tension comes.
"Did someone say some bull about me?" he searched for unknown answers. "No."
I felt beads of sweat from my forehead come down to the curve on my nose.
"STOP BEING SO FUCKING VAGUE WITH ME. TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG." He shouted at me and then he got quieter stopping. My eye's started to water and get blurry and I turned away from him. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." he said realizing. He held onto my shoulders.
"You can't help me." I pleaded. "Why not." he thought quizzically. "I'm you friend right…" he looked into my inner self. He wanted in.
"Yes…but right now you can't be." I turned and walked away. "Just go home. Leave me alone. I don't want to hurt myself in the end. You'll hate me." I was saying chicken scratch. I couldn't talk to him. Then he figured out something.
"Did someone do something to you? I won't get mad. And I'm not going to do something stupid. Promise." he wanted to protect me.
"You want to know why! Do you!" I hollered. I wanted to be his friend so bad, but it wouldn't get rid of the growing emotions I felt for him. I had to do it. I had to get it off my chest and tell him the truth. It was the right thing to do, wasn't it?
"Yes! Tell me!" he was irritated, brow's arched, wrinkled over nose. A concern look on his face. It made me delighted to see his face. He actually cared. Seeing him mad made him look sexy, almost a devilish look. But I still couldn't. I shook my head.
"You know what…" he started lifting my chin. "Nothing is going to make me hate you. Your like my best friend. I remember when I first beat you on the court 14 to 3. I remember when we stole drinks from McDonalds. Just tell me. Your scaring me. I don't like when your mad at me." this was weird coming from just a friend. We were almost at the back of my house. I hopped over the wooden fence. He did as well. I started for the door, walking cross the yard. I started reaching for my key on my necklace. He stood in front of the door before I could unlock the door. "Tell Me?!" he stared at me, arms raised, spread out.
"This is why." I whispered. I was done with this. I didn't care what he thought but I had to know how he felt. I threw the ball at him, he caught it in midair between us on instinct as I stepped up to him. My hands went around his neck as I pressed my lips to his. He stood there, feet planted on the ground never moving. Our lips collided and a wave of heat washed over me. He was definitely a good kisser. His lips soft and gentle, he took a step back slowly and he stood there. It was no less then 10 seconds until he realized what had happened. "That's why. And I didn't want to lie so I avoided you and I'm very sorry and If you don't want to be my frien-" he cut me off rather abruptly.
"It's okay." he said slowly. "I wanted you to kiss me." I stood there awkwardly laughing. "I don't get it." I said shocked. I said scratching my head.
he said mad. He hated me. Or at least I thought. He pushed me into the brick wall adjacent to my door, which was the kitchen wall. He placed his arms on both sides of me, that keep me from moving. as he leaned in and gave me a kiss. A kiss that was long and languorous. His tongue entered my mouth and I was shocked at first until I realized mine was in his. I felt like I had jumped off a cliff. As butterflies started growing in my stomach, I let all of my emotions let go. We made out for what seemed like an eternity. His arms slid down the wall to my waist and he held me in place while he came closure to me. My arms found there way to his upper back and I lost myself in ecstasy. He let go, his lips leaving mine. My eye's opened slowly and he smiled looking far into me.
"Yea…I kind of wanted to kiss you but…it was something I couldn't bring myself to do. I thought you'd hate me. I didn't want you mad at me forever. I guess you have the real balls." he said looking down laughing.
We dated for awhile and I later lost it to him like 3 week's before school started. Now we have a complicated relationship because of my boyfriend, Carlos. Now, Carlos was a different story. I didn't tell anyone about liking guys tell Carlos started talking to me. He was the captain of the junior varsity basketball team. His eye's of emeralds made me shudder and his jet black hair made me think of a field of darkness.
Ethan looked around at everyone and when he got to me, understanding my situation and what I was thinking about, he flashed a weak smile. Only for a second. It was all it took for me to understand what he felt. He still liked me and what we had, I couldn't forget. But it was hard. Feeling the tension among us he got up. "I have to go. See you guys later," he said softly avoiding my face, head down. He walked fast as he skipped by two's going upstairs. Our cafeteria was like a food court and two curved stairs wrapped around the front of the cafeteria leading to the 300's and 400's classrooms, on the top floor as well as the library. "Be right back," I said as I got up and followed him. Carlos looked at me with a look of confusion. Ethan liked to read so I'd guess he would be at the library. Going up the right stairs, either way would get you to the library anyway, I turned down the dimly lit hallway on the right. Only to see him on the floor 3 set of lockers away. He had his bag still across his chest. He slouched his back and shoulders and leaned against the wall.
He sat over his opened locker. He looked up and from the lighting, glaring over his face, his cheek's had tears rolling down his face. He was crying. I walked slowly to his side. I didn't say anything and I embraced him in a long hug. But he stayed in his position not moving.
"Why." he said simply, his voice shivered, letting go of me bit by bit. "Just tell me," I could only stare at him, seeing myself in his eyes. "We had something. I enjoyed us,and what we had. Or what was left of it. When you deserted me for him. I want to know why. At least I deserve to." he said slowly making it sink in. I sometimes missed what we had. I had fell for him.
I sat there with him, unsure of what to say. I did miss him sometimes. But Carlos was my boyfriend. "I was confused and I didn't know what I wanted."
"You never knew what you wanted. You still don't know you don't." shocked, I was speechless.. Did I really know what I wanted? Looking down, he lifted my chin up making me look at him. His eye's. They made me get chills up my spine and paralyzed me. He leaned in and kissed me on my lips. I sat there and it made me think. I felt the kiss. My eye's were open and his, closed, into the kiss. Then I snapped back releasing. "I can't…I have a boyfriend. I, I just-" and he continued to kiss me. I let him. I kissed him back. I smiled laughing, "No." What was I even laughing for? This as serious thing.
"No what. That he doesn't make you smile." he kissed me again, a peck. It was more of a statement more than a question. "When your mad, who do you call." he kissed me again. "that he never cared about you like and as much as I do." He kissed me again, this one long and I closed my eye's on instinct. He stared at me. I couldn't read him. He had changed a lot over the summer and it unnerved me. He became distant like I had. Afraid. That's what I saw. He was scarred. Of me. And the worst thing about it, it ruined our friendship. I didn't want that. Just like he wanted before.
"No…I have a boyfriend. And I can't be this… This triad. Of me, you, and Carlos." I explained as I figured it out. He wanted me and I couldn't be with two guys. He didn't care.
"So stop it then." he sounded it out. "just stop it. If not for me or us, for you. You see him everyday smilingwith someone else. I've never seen him smile at you." He wiped the tears with his shirt. I saw his boxer's and it made me think back to the day we made love. They were tight, black Kelvin Cline boxer's. "Why be with someone you don't love." he spoke in tongue making me think. I shook the memory of us away. "I can't. I'm sorry." I got up. He got up as well.
"Why? Tell me. What the hell is so hard. Cause I can't see why someone would stick with a person who ignores you." he was frustrated and confused just as well as me. I had to reassure myself.
"I love him. Weare friends." I abruptly whispered. His eyebrow's creased, wetting his lips, leaving a confused look. "You love him?" it hit me hard. He walked backwards, his brow's high, his hands in the air in protest. I held out my hand. " No…"
"But you just said so yourself," he said saying each word whispering betrayal in his voice. I stood there speechless. What did I want. "look at me and tell me you love him. and I'll grab my things and go. We won't ever have to talk about this ever again. But look me in my eye's and sat it." I couldn't. I just stood there looking down. All I could see was his shoes.
"Exactly. Just like I said. You don't even want him." he squinted his eye's. the truth hurt. He turned and walked away. He punched the wall and walked the other way down into the cafeteria. He walked past our table looked once and went out the cafeteria. Were we even friends anymore?