ADMIRAL: Seven of Nine is going to die.
JANEWAY: What?
ADMIRAL: Three years from now. She'll be injured on an away mission. She'll make it back to Voyager, and die in the arms of her husband.
JANEWAY: Husband?
ADMIRAL: Chakotay. He'll never be the same after Seven's death, and neither will you.

-0-0-0-Janeway-0-0-0-

'So why me then'

He has been surly with me since we got into the damned shuttle, a sitting epitome of barely suppressed rage. He reminds me of a thundercloud, or perhaps a thunder spirit of his ancestors. He radiates barely controlled tension and threat, quite fitting the bear epithet he earned as maquis.

He does have a point though, I admit, we have had our friendship obliterated by his marriage, and I have barely given either of them more than my professional persona since I found out. I have spent precisely zero social hours in his sole company for nearly three years and damned few even professionally.

'Because it is time, Chakotay, and because I can no longer bring Tuvok' I answer with some sadness.

I can see that he at least accepts the second part of that sentence, albeit reluctantly. Tuvok, my best and oldest friend, is finally spinning away from me and slipping into his own world. No longer at tactical, but still training our young ensigns and crewmembers while he can. Tuvok, my counsellor, who advised me that I must take this next step back into humanity, that to do nothing and remain alone will be detrimental not just for me, but for the crew. Tuvok, who is the matchmaker, who has trained up his successor well, and then stuck him in front of my eyes and persuaded me to see what the possibilities are. Tuvok who persuades me that a second chance for some peace is worth taking. I sigh, and it is impossible for that not to have been noted.

'and...' Chakotay finally says.

A deep inhalation and louder sigh follows my first. After all these years, and all the misconceptions, I need to do this next stage properly.

' I am lonely, Chakotay.' I bite my lower lip at the meandering way I am going to get to the point, and stare fixedly at the coffee mug in my hands. 'Three years ago I had to discontinue the friendship two significant persons in my life, and now the second most important supporter I have had out here is more in need of my support than ever. I have adapted' and i frown at the use of the word 'and made other friendships more deeply, but I miss a deep connection.'

'if you are blaming me...' he starts to bite out angrily

'Stop! Chakotay' and I turn to look at him, placing a hand on his arm to calm him.

'No blame, you have found happiness together, and that is wonderful for you, I want you to have joy, love, family' and I do my best to hold my voice steady 'but I am telling you that you are not alone in that need. I am not sure whether after all this time of commitment you need to be informed, and I am damned sure I don't need your permission, but...' oh gods, why does this have to be quite so difficult 'it still feels to me like I would be ... unfaithful ... to something I cherished for years' damnit, but this isn't coming our anywhere near the rational discussion I had in my head. Damn him for still having that effect on me. Damn him for having captured my heart and then crushed it. Stupid, Janeway.

'Captain?' he stills further, shuttered off to me 'is this an appropriate conversation? I would not like you to violate starfleet protocols on my behalf.' Shit, worse even than I thought.

'Forget it commander,' I snap back 'It is clearly not an issue for you, and my decision to date is both none of your concern and nothing that you have a legitimate interest in. I had only sought to spare you any...' damn, what had i thought to spare him? The devastation and despair that I felt when I found out that he had been dating Seven, that they were intimately involved, that most of the crew already knew and had been watching in pity for when I realised. 'Nothing commander, there is nothing' and I set my coffee down, and busy myself with scanning the planet we are headed to. Class M, jungle and a simple scout and supply run.

'damnit!' he explodes beside me, both vocally and also surging up out of his chair to stride to the back of the shuttle and then back towards me. 'Why now, Kathryn? Why not then? Who? Why ... why not me?' and the tension is in his voice. If I were to look at him, I would surely see him coiled, ready to run or strike.

'Answer me!' his command wrenched from him. Perhaps this was not such a good idea. Perhaps I should have dated in secret, assumed he wouldn't care, that it wouldn't see it as betrayal. He is happy, he is.

'I.. I made this decision after Quarra. I realised, slowly, that I couldn't live without the easy companionship I had shared with Jaffen' I seem him flinch but barrel on 'it wasn't me that had made that decision, and it certainly wasn't him that i wanted when I came back to myself. but it was closeness, it was... love. I realised that I needed it...' he just stares at me 'with you.'

And he sits back down with a thump in the pilot seat, shaking his head. Denial in all his movements.

'No, no Kathryn. what are you saying' how dare he deny this now! Damnit, I was so obvious!

'All those dinner requests turned down, all the lunches you rainchecked, all the holodeck no shows which I had written especially for you. I persisted, chakotay, until that damned shore leave debacle. Do you know what I had planned? The place I had found for us both, for privacy, to try and recapture what I thought we once might have. How could I have known you had moved on? how could I imagine that you would hide this from me? How could I not notice the pitying glances of the crewmen? Damnit, chakotay. How could you have cared so little for me?' voice rising, and this time it is me jumping up and swiftly striding to the replicator, trying to surreptitiously wipe tears from my face. How can I still care this much?

'I know you are happy, I can even persuade myself that I am glad for your happiness, and I certainly don't imagine you would care who I dated. But I realised I just couldn't keep you in the ignorance you kept me. I need to close this for me. You have no say, no right to know, but I am doing my damnedest to move on, be happy and to survive.' I turn and force myself to look at him, hoping the wobble in my voice is not too noticeable.

'Three years it has taken me, chakotay, three years to put feelers out to the world again. I cannot survive this much longer. I have already given everything I have. I need some measure of companionship. there is someone who might accept me for the flawed person I am, who might accept the only part of my heart i have left to give. Who is strong and can keep me safe. Someone who can see me as Kathryn not just captain' hell, but the person I describe is still Chakotay, am I really telling him to give myself permission, or am I still secretly hoping for some other resolution, that I can't even let that thought come to the front of my mind.

he almost breathes out the name. I nod and let the tears fall.

-0-0 Chakotay 0-0-

Shit. I almost cannot breathe. is it my heart blocking my lungs? My heart is shaking free of the bindings i placed around it. I have spent three years forcing it to bend, forcing into faithlessness. It was all for nothing, worse than nothing.

Shit, but I had low expectations of this mission. I thought it would be uncomfortable, difficult even, a frosty silence maintained but with no thoughts that it would be an opportunity for ambush. No wonder Seven strode around berating me for accepting, angry that the captain would take me after all this time, angry that i would go. Has she known all along? Hell, was this behind her rushing us into marriage following that shore leave? Not that i was unwilling. Oh no, I was too busy being led by the deliciousness of tutoring her into the art of sex. Foolishly I was imagining the jealousy of all the crewmen: pretending Kathryn did not exist. Oh, I was busy writing myself a happy ending.

Happy? We are not happy. We are far from happy. It is irrelevant, apparently, well joyousness is. Businesslike efficiency, following the doctors damned ideas of societal married norms is important, but not spontaneity nor passion. At least we give a damn good appearance of it. Strike that, Seven is satisfied, I am more alone than ever.

The silence in the shuttle stretches out as we are both lost in our solitary misery.

It wasn't long into our marriage that i realised what a fool I had been. That the sexual intimacy and enticement of something new that I had with seven could not replace the deep friendship and connection, however chaste, that I had lost. Yes, I have tried, i am trying! I nearly thought I had succeeded. But my lack of perfection, and her lack of emotional depth and we have nothing in common. Well, voyager, scheduled sex and the loss of Kathryn's affection that stupidly neither of us had anticipated.

Spirits, I had not realised she loved me, still loved me.

'I didn't know' I breathe out quietly. 'I didn't realise' and then, after a longer pause 'I am sorry, Kathryn. I should have told you.' I can't bear to contemplate what this conversation three years ago would have done. Spirits weep. I am in hell.

'Yes' she grinds out 'you should have. Right at the point you were declining to spend time with me, you should have. Or did you enjoy having me chase around after you all these years?' It is worse than that, so I shake my head. Truth is, I just didn't even notice.

'I was ... I am sorry Kathryn, but it happened as it did. Neither of us was sure at the time where it would lead.' and she is quiet.

I need to say something about her moving on too, I need to be pleased she will grasp happiness.

'I want you to be happy, Kathryn' I say holding my voice calm. 'He is...' and I cannot do it. I cannot allow the lie to leave my lips

'Shit! Kathryn! How can we be doing this? Damn you. I love you. I still love you. I will damned well always love you!' it pours out of me. It is like some restraint has released.

'I cannot bear it' and I imagine them kissing, I imagine his hands on her body... I can hardly breathe with anguish over what I have lost.

'I hardly think so!' game back on in anger, something she does well.

'You barely saw me, chakotay! You certainly didn't love me! I doubt you do now! What is this? you moved on, ignored my advances, have been playing happy families for three years and now, now when I finally think I might be able to hold a man in my arms without imagining you, you suddenly become all possessive? Oh no you don't! Too late Chakotay, three years of misery and readjustment too late.'

She slams her coffee mug down, the splashes arcing over the consul, smeared by her jacket to dryness. 'Damn!' she huffs.

I can sense her taking her centering breaths, something that has always annoyed me. I should be doing the same, not allowing the jealousy to erupt.

'I think you'll find it is that you that didn't love me, Kathryn, you pushed me aside, you never let anything be about us. Everything always had to be on your terms. I just about managed until I saw you with Jaffen. Tom and B'elanna were still drawn to each other without their memories, but you! You waltzed past me, full of your new love. You didn't give me anything!'

'I had had my mind wiped damnit! They had programmed me to love. they knew exactly what would keep me docile!' Her anger is real and whips about us like static electricity.

'You asked him to stay!'

'He deserved a chance to leave if he wanted. He didn't when I said I wasn't included'

'You gave him your protocol speech? I could nearly feel sorry for the bastard!' and I huff an angry laugh at that. At least I am not the only fool to have been denied her.

I don't understand why we are hurling insults at each other.

'He loved me, Chakotay, he was gentle, kind and caring. he deserved better' she answers beseechingly, taking the anger out of my sails.

'No argument there Kathryn…'

and that pulls her up. she stares at me and shakes her head.

'This was a mistake, chakotay.' All emotion has drained from her. This is our end.

Suddenly I lose my mind

'No, mike is a mistake' I bite out the words with emphasis on every syllable. I am finally sure. She starts to bridle as I barrel on. 'Seven is a mistake, but we are not Kathryn' it is clear to me.

'chakotay! you don't mean that, you love seven, she is young, beautiful, intelligent and you are happy. Don't do this! You are not this man. We are not going to...' and as she stands I can see in her eyes, in how she looks at me that her brain, her frustratingly annoying protocol ridden self-flagellating and self-sacrificing brain is screaming for her to run, but her heart, body and soul are mine. her lips are open, her cheeks flushed.

It is clear, at last.

'I am not happy' I stand and face her 'I have not been happy' and I accent the word angrily 'since almost the start. yes, I tried damnit woman, I tried very, very hard to be happy, to be grateful for what I had rather than what i wanted. what i have always wanted' I take a stride forwards and she steps back. I can see in her eyes that she desperately wants me to persuade her, that she is caught between her needs and desires, and what she believes to be right. 'Seven isn't happy' I strike out with words 'she is particularly unhappy about this mission. She doesn't love me, but she guards what is hers jealously. She is insistent that we present well, but in our quarters, we are worlds apart. Trapped. I love, and have only ever loved, you.'

'I...we...I... can't do this.' she huffs out. Her words, barely audible, should be painful, but I can see that there is no real belief behind them anymore. Both of us know that we have no choice if we are to survive. And her/our, damned voyager and family need us to survive. I could laugh at it. Finally voyager and I need the same thing.

'I can and I will, Kathryn. I am not the honourable man of your imagining.' she shakes her head in denial and I take a step forwards 'I betrayed my family, leaving to join starfleet, i betrayed starfleet leaving to join the maquis ' and her head shakes more vigorously, poor baby, she so wants to believe in me. ' I killed, maimed countless cardassians, I slept with countless women without care' and I ignore the tears starting to fill her eyes 'and worse than all of that, I made one promise from my soul to another soul. I promised to be always by her side, to put her needs above mine. I broke that promise Kathryn. I am not an honourable man...' I am nearly shouting as I admit, finally that I am not what I wanted to be.

Quietly I reiterate,

'I am not an honourable man... and yet... you love me.'

She doesn't deny this, so it is finally time to make an end.

'When I return to the ship, I am going to make an end to my dishonourable marriage, I am going to set Seven free. It will be a relief for both of us.'

I see her start at my words, finally making the impossible possible.

'but I am not going to wait, I am not going to give you chance to run or hide. If you don't want this, all you have to do is stop me' and I take that final stride forwards

We are standing so close we are nearly touching. I feel her trembling, but she has not stepped away. Hope surges in me. Spirits guide me. For the first time in, oh so long, I feel destiny approaching.

Her unfocused eyes are resolutely looking forwards, and I wonder what she is really looking at, what she is seeing. I hope that it is us. I stop wondering when she raises them to mine, and with an infinitesimally small movement, lifts her face up towards mine.

It is all the encouragement I need, and I press my lips to hers, this is no gentle kiss though, it is raw, demanding, full of 10 years of passion, seven years of confusion, four years of despair. The pent up energy bursts from both of us, our lips bruising, our tongues tasting, demanding, duelling whilst our hands drag each other close so that nothing should interfere, nothing could tear us apart.

I love this woman. Heart, body, soul.

And she loves me.

It is all that I have ever wanted.

I hitch her up against me, she is so light, fragile. She needs my care, but later. Our passion is terrifying, her hands unzipping my jacket, reaching up to my heart, flesh on flesh. Her moans against my mouth, hungry for me. Her body grinds against mine. Oh spirits. Want and need. oh spirits.

I unzip her jacket as i support her on my thigh, pressing her back against the bulkhead and use both eager hands to rip open the neck of her shirt and tee to expose her breasts. Her chest and face are flushed, her lips plumped and reddened, her pale breasts quivering within their cotton enclosure. I had dreamed of black silk and lace, but white cotton speaks of the pragmatic Kathryn. I laugh with joy as I lift the dainty breasts from their sheltering cups to finally feast my lips against her. 'Kathryn, I love you' I tell her every time I pause to draw breath, and I hear her shouting my name, loving me, needing me, wanting me and then, oh the pure joy of it, unzipping and releasing me, freeing me, caressing me.

We are really going to do this.

Shit!

I would, should take this slowly, convince her of my love and dedication, build up the spirals of passion through tortuous seduction, but the overheated passion and need in both of us is too strong, impossible to deny, and with her riding against me it is impossible to resist. Spirits what sensations, what love, and I release her waistband, sliding my hand into the pools of moisture at her core. Oh spirits, I have the willpower of a hormonal teenager again and prepare to tear further so that I can just take her without delay as she continues to shudderingly grind against me.

I don't notice at first, though I dimly hear her head as it crashes back against the bulkhead, assuming it is with passion as she starts to come apart until it is clear that this groan is pain not desire.

The second peri-mortem shake of the shuttle has me looking up, and notice her pushing me back, away. I let her legs drop to the now quaking floor as she raps out 'commander', and then a quick kiss to my cheek to take the sting away as she orders me to the conn as she takes diagnostics.

SO damned close. Most of me wants to shout to hell with survival! Just take me Kathryn, let us just finish this. But she is already in captain mode. Quicker to snap back to starfleet that I ever wish to be.

One last glance at the dishevelled, semi naked Janeway currently replacing those well loved breasts into captivity, zipping the jacket back over the half torn rags, and I race to the conn, cursing whatever capricious spirits thought to make her worries a reality. One kiss and our ship truly is falling out of the sky.

I struggle to hold the course in the ionosphere of the M class planet and try for a controlled landing, but something explodes, alarms blare and her name is the last thing on my lips, shouted desperately.

'Kathryn!'