Imposted
It was bad enough when this… other, evil Cave Johnson found the multiverse portal and had his lab boys develop their own interdimensional transport device. Kicking those backwater yokels out of the testing track was worse than trying to step on every ant that crawled out of the hill. But he'd apologized when Cave – the REAL Cave – got ahold of him, and promised to send an apology fruit assortment.
Damn decent of him. Especially after his pin-head test subjects ate Cave's lunch and had the NERVE to do gymnastics in HIS facility. No respect. Unbelievable. It'd better be one hell of a fruit basket.
But then it came, and turned out to be a bunch of angry wasps. They were STILL finding wasps buzzing around here and there. They'd crawled into cracks in the walls and started making nests or something. Whatever those little suckers did. Turned out Greg was allergic to them, too. Swelled right up like a big red balloon. …Then when he got over it, he wouldn't wear the beekeeper suit Cave had gone through all that trouble to find him. Said it made him look stupid.
Of course it did.
Anyway, this Dark Cave had apologized for the wasps. Laughing the whole time. Oh sure, REAL funny. But Cave had done what any reasonable adult would do. He accepted the apology with dignity and grace. And then he'd found an industrial-strength fire hose and blasted Propulsion Gel through the Multiverse Machine. That oughta show that smug bastard.
Cave figured he'd won until a few days later when the frozen block of urine showed up.
Definitely, without a doubt, a universe where people ate nothing but asparagus. GOD, what a smell. He sent Greg in with a few space heaters to speed up the melting process.
Greg had whined, but he always whined. He needed to build some character. One day he'd appreciate everything Cave did for him.
Until then, though, it was still damn funny.
Two days later Cave was monitoring a test over in the other Cave's dimension. That engineer who was always hitting on the female employees was jumping all over the place off aerial faith plates, grabbing cubes, pressing buttons… He could be a trouble-maker, but Cave had to admire his style. He sure was taking his time, though.
"Cave Johnson here, I need you to…"
Suddenly there was a soft click over his voice in the test chamber. The test subject stopped and looked up. "Do NOT listen to this man! He's the other Cave Johnson. He's an imposter!" came an identical voice.
"YOU'RE the imposter, imposter!" Cave sputtered angrily. "Chariots, chariots!"
"Oh yeah? Chariots, chariots, chariots!" …He was ENJOYING this, that weasel! Then the other Cave's voice dropped its amusement and took on a mildly conspiratorial tone. "Just keep testing. I'll settle this."
"No, I'LL settle this!"
"Shut it, you!" commanded Cave's own voice. He'd be lying if he didn't admit it sounded handsome. Daring. Strong. Which of course its owner must be, even if he WAS a sneaky little rat-bastard. "…And you, keep testing!"
Down in the test track, Rick rolled his eyes and continued.
It took the tech-head a couple more days, but finally they assured Mr. Johnson beyond any shadow of a doubt that his own comlink would be the only one that would function in the test chambers, that it had just been a freak accident that allowed this Dark Cave Johnson to intrude.
Rick was redirecting a High Energy Pellet with portals when static crackled over the speakers. He glanced up.
"All right," Cave said. "I think we shut down the imposter Cave's comlink."
"You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?"
There he was again with that damn conceited laugh of his, as if he wasn't just a cheap imitation!
"Dammit! Stop… imposting!" That was a word, right? It was now.
"Never!" The insolent grin on his face was almost audible.
"Ooh!" Cave slammed a fist into the wall, adjusting the monitor. At last, the other man came into view. "You stubborn… handsome devil."
The other Cave grinned at him, and he found himself returning the look.
It was true, of course. He could have been Cave's identical twin. A little taller, maybe. A little leaner. Less gray in the hair. Looked like he took care of himself. …And of course, the good genetics.
"Just like lookin' in a mirror!" Dark Cave said, looking his double up and down. "Guess there had to be some universe where I didn't age too well!"
Cave Prime growled. "Yeah, well I guess there had to be a universe where I thought I was pretty smart, too!"
They both thought about that for a moment.
"I'd be surprised to find one where I wasn't," Dark Cave admitted with a cocky smirk. "…And my secret's asparagus, by the way. Every meal."
Prime made a face. "Just to be clear, is that REALLY all you people eat? …Or did YOU make that whole block of urine?"
Dark laughed fondly at the memory. "Who says it isn't both? But seriously, those bastards at White Canyon were working with some experimental fertilizers, and they ended up contaminating the whole country's water table. All kinds of nasty side-effects. My lab boys got right on it, though, and bred a strain of asparagus that was safe. Hell of a cash cow. But damn, I am SICK of asparagus."
Cave Prime studied his double carefully. "Look, Dark – May I call you Dark Cave?"
Dark Cave's eyebrows rose a fraction. "Dark Cave? Why?"
"Well, seeing as you're my evil duplicate…"
A craggy grin slowly formed on Dark Cave's face. "…I like that. What about you? I'm not calling you Light Cave."
"No, no. Cave Prime for me."
Dark Cave made a face. "Really. Cave Prime. Thought you'd come up with somethin' better than THAT, but if you want to keep it boring…" He trailed off and shrugged.
"Shut it, Dark Cave! I've got an offer, do you want to hear it or not!?"
"Hm." Dark Cave shifted his weight and crossed his arms. "I'm listening. Make it good."
"Well we've run into some money troubles… Sounds like you boys have the stuff comin' outta your ears over there."
Dark Cave frowned. "I wouldn't say THAT."
"Point is, you've got more than us. Hows about we work out a deal. You back our testing initiative, and I'll see you get all the beef you can eat. I'm talking steak, every day."
The two Caves eyed one another.
"No deal," Dark Cave finally said, though he looked disappointed about it. "We're just making enough to fund our own projects. Can't throw money in a black hole, if you catch my drift."
"Dammit. Will you at least let my test subjects test your tests? I'll tell 'em not to make a mess this time."
"If mine can test YOUR tests."
"I don't know, your test subjects all seem like assholes."
Dark Cave grinned and spread his arms out. "Dark Cave, dark test subjects. And they can't be worse than yours. You know one of 'em broke through a wall, and I still can't find him? Had to call the exterminator. Damn inconvenient."
Cave Prime frowned. "They're ALWAYS doing that. More trouble than they're worth sometimes. You'd think $60 would be worth more to 'em."
"You shell out $60 just for TESTING!? Well shoot, there's your money problem."
"Can't get enough test subjects otherwise."
"No, look, all you have to do is give 'em room and board. Just a bed and an asparagus ration, and enough methane to keep 'em from keeling over. For the right crowd, that's all they need."
"Hmm…" Cave Prime rubbed his chin. "I don't know. Doesn't seem like they'd go for that."
"Look, I've been talking to a couple of your guys. Apparently you only do VOLUNTARY employee testing. They're your employees, YOU tell THEM what to do! And if you round up some more homeless people, that'll boost your numbers right to where you want 'em."
"You're making a lot of sense," Prime admitted.
"Of course I am! Now, what do you say to one of those steaks?" Dark Cave was peering through the multiverse machine hungrily. "We'll split it."
Honestly, two steaks was just about the most normal request Greg had ever gotten from Mr. Johnson. As he carried them over to the multiverse machine, he heard the two men laughing.
"Oh, Dark Cave, you are the only one around here who gets me!" Cave Prime sighed, and gestured for Greg to put the plates down. "…Say, do you have a Greg in your universe?" He barely waited for a response before grinning. "…You want one?"
Greg huffed indignantly and walked away as the two roared with laughter.
"Greg, come back!" Prime chuckled. "I wouldn't send you to Dark Cave Earth."
Greg didn't turn around, but he heard his boss lower his voice as he leaned closer to the portal. "…I would. Greg is on the table."
"What the hell would I do with him? I've got enough bean-counters and pencil-pushers to fill up the offices."
"Too damn many of 'em if you ask me," muttered Cave Prime, passing a plate through the portal.
"Oh man, this hits the spot," Dark Cave groaned appreciatively, tearing into the meat. "Not a single stalk of asparagus in sight."
"Good… good," Cave Prime said with a grin. "Now let me pick your brain about a few things… God knows I can't find anyone else around here who gets me."
Dark Cave grimaced. "Here either, damn mush-heads."
By the time they finished, the two had plans to send test subjects out to explore as many other universes as possible, set up more multiverse machines, and find a universe made entirely of money, of which there should be an infinite number. Each privately planned to keep the profits to himself.
Greg was never traded to Dark Cave, though he was frequently reminded that the offer had been made.