[Yes, IW spoilers beyond this point though if you're on FF you likely have seen it]
Edited to make some scenes more to my liking. Thank you for reading!
April. The first sneak peek of spring, the first month of slush-free roads. Central Park, turning green.
Tony Stark hovered over the city, his helmet open. The wind was brisk at this height, so he had a little trouble keeping his eyes open, but he wanted to see the colors with his own eyes. It was a lovely Saturday, and millions milled about the streets and avenues below. Madison Square was packed to the brim.
He flew a short distance over to Washington Square Park. It was similarly filled. He was at roughly the same altitude as the Empire State building, so doubtless the throngs pulsing below could see him well and clear. Without the suit's visual feed, Tony couldn't make out the individual faces as they peered up at him.
He imagined they must be cursing him.
Nonetheless, his vantage point afforded Tony a veil of sorts, a barrier vast enough to block out the sounds below. It was peaceful and good — this was his city, and he was her protector, standing high and mighty in the clouds.
… Hiding, low and broken, behind his worthless armor, suffocating under an avalanche of shame.
"Boss," FRIDAY said, "you're going to be late if you don't start heading —"
"I know," Tony said. He closed his eyes. The nanobots obeyed his thoughts, reforming the helmet over his head, and a second later Tony breathed in the familiar filtered air. It used to make him feel invincible, this clean, sterile smell. Now every breath was a reminder.
"I know," he said again. He took one last look at the restored Washington Square Arch beneath him. "Let's go."
ooo
It was a nice and quiet place with impressive views of the city's skyline. Not many of the residents were new, so there were relatively few visitors. Tony landed in an out-of-the-way little garden, making sure he wasn't seen. The armor disintegrated and rolled itself back into his chest.
He took a deep breath. It smelled like flowers. Oh, he'd forgotten to bring flowers.
He donned his shades, as if they protected him from the scrutinizing stares as he walked the short distance over. He had only been here once, but he knew the place well — he'd visited, after all, more times than he could count, in BARF and in his dreams.
Three people were already there; a girl, a boy, a woman. The grass beneath his feet rustled to herald his arrival. Tony willed himself to not flinch as they looked up.
"Mr. Stark," May Parker said. There was not an ounce of surprise in her tone… in fact, there was not an ounce of anything in her tone. Tony wished there was. He wished she would curse, scream, cry, seethe. Anything.
"May —" he began.
"Please call me Mrs. Parker," the woman said.
"Right," Tony muttered. He was a fool. He couldn't do this. He stared up at the blue sky, and wanted nothing more than to materialize the suit and fly away.
"Mr. Stark?" piped a timid voice. Tony looked over to see the boy in the group, a chubby Asian holding a Lego Millennium Falcon, stealing a glance at him. As their gazes met, the boy averted his eyes — bloodshot and rimmed with red, Tony noticed.
All the same, the boy shuffled aside.
"Are you going to… uh, join us?" he asked, voice even smaller than before.
"Ah," Tony said. He squeezed out a smile. "Yes. Thank you, Ned."
The boy looked astounded that he'd remembered his name. Tony stepped up a little, and gave a brief nod to the girl now beside him.
"And you must be… Michelle, right?"
Michelle blinked and shrugged. "Mmhmm," she said, obviously every bit as surprised as Ned, though rather better at feigning nonchalance.
Tony hated how he had to act as if he was asking — as if he wouldn't know the names of the kid's best friends.
As if he didn't know the names of every member of the Midtown Tech Decathlon team.
As if he hadn't memorized the names of every person who bothered to show up to the service. Not that there were many — the kid hadn't exactly been popular in school.
Nothing else was said after that. May Parker had closed her eyes, and Ned was muttering something under his breath, clutching his Lego piece. Michelle was looking over towards Manhattan, her jaws tight.
Tony fought the urge to look up again at the sky. Two point three six billion lightyears away, there was a decaying planet called Titan, in a whole other galaxy still undiscovered by NASA… at least that was what the blue-green android woman had told him.
He clenched his hands into fists. Breathe in, breathe out. He repeated this ten times before finally, with a light jerk of his head, his gaze settled on the stenciled letters.
Peter Benjamin Parker, 2001-2018
A loving nephew, a best friend, and always our hero
Mr. Stark? I don't feel so good…
I don't want to go…
Sorry.
The sound that escaped his throat was something Tony did not expect. Suddenly, all he could see in front of him was dust, and dust, and more dust, blowing on the brown and tattered landscape. It wasn't until he heard Ned's surprised shouts that he noticed the helmet forming around his head.
Tony allowed himself a second of respite inside cocoon of filtered air, where the world could not see him break — where the world only saw the red and gold mask, forever strong.
Then he willed the nanobots to disassemble.
All three of them were staring at him when his skin once again touched the free air. Tony tried to speak, tried to crack a joke — he had to take a call from the company — always at the worst time, am I right?
But then May Parker said, "It's okay. I'm here with you."
And Tony simply collapsed in front of the headstone, his fingers gliding over the smooth surface, etching out each letter. Behind him, May put her hand on his shoulder, and Tony was glad she was there, glad because she too understood what it felt like to have your soul ground and pulverized until it was a colossal vacuum that could never be filled, not by all the happiness in the universe.
When he screamed, he took what little comfort in knowing she was beside him, walking every step of this hell with him. Her fingers on his shoulder tightened, and for a moment they were linked through that eternal pain; that void of a parent losing a child.
ooo
May had brought a plate of her signature walnut date loafs, and a few other new recipes she'd wanted for Peter to try. Ned had brought the Lego, naturally. Michelle had brought a sketchbook. Tony noticed how thin it looked; more than half the pages had been ripped out, and the cover looked splattered. For a moment Tony imagined the skinny girl, sitting alone in her room, the drip-drip-drip of her tears soaking through her sketches.
Tony wished he'd remembered to bring flowers. He wished he'd remembered to bring something. Hastily he downloaded a model of a flower, and ported it to the nano-assembly algorithms. Soon a miniature white rose grew out of the palm of his hand, glinting in its metallic sheen. The display had been enough to captivate Ned, who seemed to have temporarily forgotten his grief.
Looking at the boy's face was like a gut punch. That same wonder, that same curiosity. That same fascination and youthful enthusiasm. Peter made that face often, pretty much whenever Tony allowed him inside the lab or workshop.
What Tony wouldn't give to see that face again, just one more time.
Gently he laid the flower down in front of the headstone, next to the others' gifts. It landed with a small clink.
"Do you have a place to be?" May asked. Her voice seemed hoarse, but somehow softened.
He did. He had other memorial events to attend. He planned to make a visit to Happy's family, as well as Sam's. He had a meeting with Hank Pym and the rest of the Avengers.
He needed to get back to Pepper and their boy.
"No," he said. "I've got a while."
"Eat with us," she said. "We — we were going to Peter's favorite Thai place."
"That sounds fantastic."
"I'll tell you where it is, and you can meet us —"
"No. I'll ride with you guys."
May nodded. She lingered a few seconds more, before bending down and kissing the headstone. Ned gave it a squeeze, hard enough his stubby fingers turned white. Michelle… Michelle didn't do anything. But Tony knew if she touched that stone, she would shatter.
"Are you coming, Mr. Stark?" May asked.
"Yeah," he said. "Just — give me a minute."
He waved them ahead. When he was sure they were out of sight, he knelt down and hugged the headstone tight.
"I miss you, kid," he said. "You know that? I really — really miss you."
He choked down the lump in his throat.
"I'm so proud of you, Pete," he whispered, and for this small moment, he allowed himself to crumble.
ooo
The Thai food was very good, but Tony was forced to cut their lunch out a bit short. He thanked May, and Ned and Michelle, for allowing him to intrude. It surprised them, and himself too, because that was so very unlike him.
But then May had given him a smile — a small smile, but a genuine one.
"Peter would've wanted you here," she said simply.
Tony turned and pretended to watch the TV.
"I heard you had a baby," May remarked when their table fell silent.
"Ah, yes," Tony mused, not knowing why she changed the topic, but grateful to pivot. "Not my best creation, to be honest — all he can do at the moment is cry and poop and eat. Even Dum-E is a little better in —"
"Thank you," May said.
Tony paused.
"Yes, the world often does," he said finally, chuckling awkwardly. "But I've gotta admit, I don't know why you are —"
Tentatively, May squeezed his hands. Tony flinched at the touch, but didn't pull away.
"Tony," she said. "Thank you."
She knows, he thought. He hadn't intended her to know. He worried that she might think of it as an affront. He thought maybe she'd think he didn't deserve it; didn't have the right to use that name. But here she was, thanking him.
"Yeah," he said, not trusting his face. "I guess I have the paparazzi to thank. Honestly, you'd think they have more important things to report on — Anyway, I got to go, there's —"
"Wait!" May's grip on his hand tightened a little. She rummaged around in her purse before pulling out a tangle of red and blue fabric. "I — I was making — I was making this, and I…" She trailed off, and just put the thing on the table between them.
It was a spider-man doll. Coarsely made at first glance, but Tony picked out the little scabs on May's fingers, dots of dark red. Suddenly, he recalled Peter mentioning once how she couldn't sew or knit to save her life.
'And other people were like, aren't aunts supposed to sew you stuff? And I'm like, not May!'
'Kid, could we save the topic for when you're not literally being sewn up?'
'It distracts me from the pain, Mr. Stark. Ow. Are you really sure I can't use anesthetics?'
The memory brought a bittersweet smile to Tony's lips. He picked up the small doll.
"Thank you for making this for him," he said, his voice solemn.
"I meant it as a gift to celebrate him finishing junior year," May said softly. "But I never seemed to get around to it, and then… last year, when that… I just stopped working on it."
Tony's mouth felt dry. "So why did you finish it now, after all this time?"
May shrugged.
"Because we're still here," she said. "Because we're the only ones who remember Peter as spider-man. Because we owe it to him to pass it on." She paused, before giving Tony a brief smile. "That's why it's not for our Peter."
Tony frowned. "Our Peter?" but then he got it.
It was for his Peter.
Tony took the doll and lowered his head, so neither May nor the two kids could see his eyes. Then he stood up, and let the suit spread over his skin. He ignored the gasps and cries of surprise from the other customers. He made sure to keep the doll in a safe compartment.
"Thank you," he said. With the suit, he could be sure his voice didn't sound too-tight. "Thank you, May."
She smiled again. "Say hello to him for me."
He nodded, stepped out of the restaurant, and took off.
ooo
"What's up, Mr. Stark?" Peter called out as he bounded into the lab. "What are you working on?"
Tony, being Tony, didn't answer. Instead he gave a vague wave of his hand and dumped the current design blueprints onto Peter's Starkphone. Peter was used to this, so he happily hopped onto a Hulkbuster model, and began swiping through the information.
"Woah," he said, grasping the gist in barely a minute — brilliant, as usual. "You're trying to create a nano-arc reactor with vibranium at its core! That's so cool!"
"Trying is the key word, kid," Tony said fondly. "Don't think it'll happen in the near future, not unless I can convince Wakanda to share some of its technologies and resources."
"I'd like to go to Wakanda sometime," Peter said wistfully.
"You and me both, kid. I even hear they have a Princess your age. Come on, get down from there, Hulkbuster's not something to play on."
"Hmm," Peter said, reading further into the file and ignoring Tony's admonishment. "Mr. Stark, do you think the vibranium could work as an alloy or does it have to be pure?"
"We'll have to try to make do with an alloy, otherwise it'll never be feasible. I swear, it's more expensive than that thing from what's-that-film, the one with the blue people —"
"Avatar," Peter said. "And it was called unobtainium. But they could've come up with a better name, at least!" the teen plopped down on the Hulkbuster's head, draping himself over the eyes. "Hey FRIDAY, can I get something to drink? I'm so parched."
"Sure thing, Mr. Parker. Milk or OJ? Or perhaps beer? We have whiskey, too."
"FRIDAY," Tony warned.
"Sorry, Boss."
"OJ, please," Peter said, too engrossed in the data to notice the banter. Tony smiled and shook his head.
"By the way, kid," he added. "Tell me when you're finished reading that. I've got a project for ya."
"Really?" the teen said, looking up — looking down — at Tony, at once bubbling with excitement. "I'm done reading! What's the project ab—"
The boy's voice stopped. Slowly, the lab faded away. Tony stood up from where he had been watching and looked around, somewhat disoriented. A second later he spotted Pepper at the door, arms crossed.
"You have a meeting tonight," she said.
"Yes," he said, blinking away the bright lights. "Very astute, Mrs. Stark."
"You told me you were taking a nap."
"I woke up."
"You said you weren't going to use BARF anymore."
"I wasn't. FRIDAY must have forced it on me."
"Boss…"
"Leave her out of this," Pepper snapped. "Tony, you can't keep doing this. Especially not today. You promised."
"Stark promises aren't worth very much," Tony said, chuckling. "Runs in the family."
Pepper strode over and yanked him to her. Then she kissed him.
"Come on; if you aren't going to sleep, and it doesn't appear you are, let's go check on little Mo. He's gonna wake up soon."
Mr. Stark knew there was no use in arguing with Mrs. Stark at the moment, so he sighed and allowed her to grab his hand. She guided him over to their room, where a high-tech crib stood in the corner, monitoring everything from vitals to blood sugar to the state of the diapers.
Tony peered down at his sleeping son. "Morgan," he whispered softly. "Morgan. Morgan Peter Stark."
The full name alone sent him to the edge. Pepper patted his back, as if she could soothe his tensed muscles back down.
"The best Stark there ever was," she joked. Tony kissed her.
"I met May Parker today," he said, not wanting to leave the warmth of her lips. "She… she knows of Mo."
"Well, the entire world knows we had a baby," Pepper said, smiling.
"No, Pepper." Tony said. "She knew his name… she knew his middle name."
"Oh," Pepper said. Her hands stopped caressing his back. "There must have been a leak. Damn it, they've been digging for the baby's name for months — those press people will never let go once they sniff out a story. Tony, I'm so sorry, I know you didn't want her to know, I'll get someone to check where it got out —"
"She thanked me," Tony said, cutting her off. "I — I named my son after Pete, without telling her, and she thanked me. Jesus, Pepper, what did I do to deserve to be — I killed him. I killed him, and she thanked me."
"You didn't kill him," she said.
"I couldn't — I tried to protect him —"
"Tony…" Pepper said.
"I put everything I could think of into that suit," Tony continued. "I tried, Pepper, I thought I was ready — I couldn't —"
"Tony, please —"
Tony turned away from the crib, feeling like he couldn't breathe. "I couldn't," he croaked out. "I couldn't protect him. I watched him disa—"
"Anthony Stark!" Pepper shouted. "Stop that right now! You didn't kill him, you hear me? You did not kill him."
Tony was trembling all over. He knew she would kiss him, so he let the kiss happen. Pepper's fingers dug into his palm.
"Breathe," she said. "That's it, Tony. Breathe in. Breathe out."
Gradually Tony was able to gather himself, like grasping the shards of a glass house and putting it back together… piece by painstaking piece. Pepper combed his hair, pressing him to her, whispering encouragements all the while. Finally Tony gave a low chuckle, exhausted.
"Thanks," he whispered.
"We're always here for you," she replied. "Mo and I."
Tony kissed her. He looked down at his sleeping son. "Mo wouldn't be here without him, you know."
"I know," Pepper said, resting her head on his shoulder. "I know."
They stood by the crib for several minutes, just listening to the steady quiet breathing. Tony reached down to nuzzle the baby's rosy cheeks.
It wasn't long before Mo began to stir. Tony withdrew his hand, abashed, but Pepper laughed.
"It's okay," she said. "He should be waking up around now anyway." She reached down to tickle the little tummy, and the baby's dark eyes popped open. "Hey Mo!" Pepper said. "Look who's here? Daddy's here."
Mo's plump little face beamed at Pepper upon hearing her voice. Then he turned his head towards Tony, and chortled.
"Hey Mo," Tony said. "Hey."
We owe it to him to pass it on, May had said.
For our Peter. For my Peter.
Tony closed his eyes, and reached into his coat pocket to pull out the spider-man doll.
"Tony?" Pepper said. "Tony, what's that?"
"May Parker made it," Tony replied wearily. "She wanted Mo to have it."
"Wow! That's adorable!" Pepper took the doll from him, and moved the arms as if she were controlling a marionette. She made the doll wave. "Hi, Mo!" she said as she peered down at the baby. "I'm spider-man! And I hear you're a very brave boy."
Mo let out an incoherent noise of interest, and reached up for the doll. Pepper let his tiny hands grab the doll's arm, and Mo's grip tightened instantly, as if making introductions. Pepper laughed and tickled the baby a bit more.
Tony watched them play together. He tried to ingrain the moment in his memory, but all he could think was, I wish you were here, kid.
I wish you were here, Pete.
Author's Note:
For my old readers, my other fics are still on hiatus, but I'm writing this one because I saw Infinity War, and stumbled upon an Avengers fan-art so good I had to write about it — it's that scene where Pepper is holding a Spider-Man doll in her hands. The artist doesn't make clear whether Peter Parker is still alive, and it's fantastic angst-material. I originally planned to write only that scene, but the story took on a life of its own and sort of wrote itself in a single afternoon.
I think there will be another chapter after this one.
Here is the link to the art: www dot weibo dot com slash 5938085012 slash GgtYE8QOO?
It is incredibly good. I urge the reader to check it out!