Sneak Attack

by Indigo Tantarian

The Fact Sphere was not just a place to store information, but an emergency fail-safe device. GLaDOS was NOT pleased, but there might just be something useful to her in all those facts…

(much of this, especially the ending, is taken from/based on the Lab Rat comic)

Sneak Attack

"Ready? Okay, turn it on. …Your left hand, remember."

"Henry, this is ridiculous, there has to be a safer way…"

"Hey, you've heard old Cave. If you love safe science so much, why don't you marry it? Go on, turn it on."

"…Just hold it still."

Long fingers fumbled for the switch deep inside, and then were quickly drawn out.

There was a soft beep, and the CPU began to hum softly. The optic flickered to life, a bright purple-ish pink divided into lines and sections.

"See? Nothing to worry about." The older scientist reached around and closed the sphere's rear panel. "All right, Fact Sphere. Tell me about magnesium."

The optic focused on him. "The atomic number of magnesium is 25," a quick robotic voice stated. "It occurs naturally in three stable isotopes. Magnesium's standard atomic mass is 24.3050."

"Not bad! Try it, Doug."

"Hmm…" The younger man looked skeptically at the machine. "What about time dilation?"

The core swiveled around to look at the other scientist. "In Einstein's Theory of Relativity, time dilation is the actual difference between two events as measured by observers. The concept can be tested in particle accelerators. Time dilation due to relative velocity can be expressed as delta-T = 2L/c."

"Not bad," Doug admitted.

"It's programmed with all kinds of subjects, not just science, though. Math, history, literature… Anything you can think of, this little thing can tell you about. And talk about useless trivia, it's full of the stuff."

"Until the 19th century, solid blocks of tea were used as currency in Siberia," the Fact Sphere offered.

The two scientists looked at the construct. Its bright optic swiveled back and forth between them.

"…But will it do any good?" Doug asked.

The machine's optic shutters narrowed slightly. "The Fact Sphere is the most intelligent sphere."

"We made it a little smug, I'll admit, but it could be one of the most useful cores we've got."

"I just think we've gone a little overboard on these cores, Henry. The first few were a good idea, but now it seems like there's a core for everything."

"But they're WORKING, Doug. So why not make a few more? Science is all about 'Why not,' don't forget."

"I hadn't," the younger scientist muttered, rolling his eyes privately.

"Listen, this little core can provide all kinds of information."

"The Fact Sphere is incredibly handsome," the core suddenly said, shutters narrowing further.

Henry laughed. "It's a riot."

Doug frowned skeptically. "But I don't see what good it'll be when… she tries to kill us all again."

Henry shook his head. "That's where you're wrong, Doug. Just you wait…"

In a few days, the Fact Sphere's final tests had been completed. It had passed with flying colors.

"The Fact Sphere is the most useful sphere," the construct noted as Henry carried it down the catwalk to the central control center.

"We put a lot of hours in working on you; you should be!" Henry said cheerfully. He stepped through the door and nodded to the scientists working around the edges of the chamber.

"That your Fact Sphere, Henry?" an older man called.

"Take a look! It's better than any encyclopedia."

"The first encyclopedia was written in the year 77 AD by Pliny the Elder," the Fact Sphere said, its shutters narrowing in self-assurance. "The word stems from the Greek 'enkyklios' and 'paideia'. It was combined into a single word due to a typographical error while being copied by Latin transcriptionists. Literally, the Greek phrases mean 'complete instruction' or 'complete knowledge.' In the case of the Fact Sphere, this is wholly accurate."

"I don't know Henry, is that really going to help…?"

Henry heaved a frustrated sigh. "You're ALL too narrow-minded. Look. The GLaDOS keeps asking for resources. This is a perfect one. And…" His voice dropped and he lowered the Fact Sphere, though the pink optic contracted and followed his face. "…it's the failsafe device we've been needing."

The others stared at him.

"What kind of a failsafe?" asked an older scientist.

"A paradox," Henry said, grinning conspiratorially. The Fact Sphere's optic contracted even more.

"…What, it says a paradox?" asked a dark-haired woman. "Henry, we don't want to fry the system and everything attached to it."

"No, NO! Do you think I'm stupid? It says a fact ABOUT a paradox. But you know an AI can't resist thinking about a paradox, so while she's busy working it out, we'll have time to hit the kill switch. No danger to us at all."

The Fact Sphere's optic moved back to the center of its lens, and slowly expanded.

"Does it… have a trigger of some sort?" asked the older man.

"That's the elegant part," Henry said smugly. "Once this thing's connected, she just has to THINK one word… Let me show you." He lifted the sphere he carried up to the level of his shoulders and pointed it towards the other scientists. "Okay, Fact Sphere… Neurotoxin!"

The pink optic immediately contracted, and its outer rim rotated. "The Schrodinger's Cat paradox outlines a situation in which a cat in a box must be considered, for all intents and purposes, simultaneously alive and dead." The sphere whirred loudly.

"Don't think about that," Henry said, jostling the core. "You'll need it later." He turned to the others again. "Well, what do you think? It references the paradox without saying it, and before she can stop herself, she'll be thinking about it. But she'll have to take that extra mental step, which should give us the time we need to protect ourselves and her."

"…I don't know, that seems awfully risky," said the dark-haired woman. "Either that or a bit pointless."

"It's worth a shot," the older man said, shrugging. "At this point, anything is. Let's try it out this afternoon."

Until the time came, the Fact Sphere was placed at the end of a row of charging ports with some other spheres.

"Uh… excuse me!" a blue core called out from the other end. "Hello! Just… just curious, just… wondering, really. Are you… have you got a new assignment for me yet? I know you said you'd tell me, but… well. Here I am. And I hate to complain, really I do, but it HAS been quite a while. Weeks, actually." He laughed a little. "Starting to think you'd forgotten about me, if I'm honest. But… you said you'd be thinking about it. So I guess, what I'm trying to say, not to rush you, but have you perhaps… thought of a new job to give me? Or… well, I mean… I WOULD be willing to give it another go. Just one more try, one more… attempt. Er, not… not my number one option, really. Bloody terrifying, she is. Like you wouldn't believe. Just all… and all her PROGRAMS, all running at once! And then that hardware of hers – oh, man alive, I don't think I have to tell you what I mean. I mean she's… well she's bloody massive, that one, and none too… friendly. Don't tell her I said that, of course. But – but if you HAVEN'T actually thought of another job for me… then I could see my way to… giving it another shot. Oh, unless you HAVE found a new job for me. Did you get my request for that Turret Production Line worker position? I think I'd like that. Really see myself going places there. Or maybe…"

"Spheres that insist on talking incessantly are vastly inferior to spheres that do not," the Fact Sphere finally interrupted.

There was a chorus of muttering from the other spheres, and a few muttered 'THANK you' and 'That's right!'

"Um… who's that?" asked the blue core. "Oh. You must be new here. You see, I had… a very important job here, probably the MOST important… out of any sphere. Any machine, I should say. Or human. And it didn't… well there was just a SLIGHT error made. By the humans. Not my fault at all, not in the slightest. So… so now I'm just waiting for my reassignment. Because they said they'd come up with something soon. And that was a while ago…" He raised his voice. "Any day now, mates! Cause I'm still here! Still just… sitting here, right here where you put me. Right on this comfy little port… sticking into me all day and all night. And all the other times, too. Just… just waiting, right here, on this port, for you to come back. And pick me up. Like you said you would. Because you did say that, I distinctly recall. You said you'd come back. So here I am, waiting. Waiting for you. Always waiting. Right here. Still."

There was a disgusted snort from the middle of the row. "Yeah, an' yer gonna KEEP waitin', drivin' the rest 'a us loony in the meantime. Shut up!"

"Oh! Well that's… that's a bit rude. Actually. Who are YOU, why do you think YOU can tell me what to do? I'd… I'd just like to know your identification number, mister. Your serial number. Barcode, if you've got… have you… has anyone got a scanner? On them, anywhere? No? Well, worth a shot. No barcode, then, worthless without a scanner. But what security clearance do you have, anyway? Because let me tell you, it can't possibly be high enough to merit the way you're addressing me!"

"I'm an ADVENTURE core, buddy," the core in the middle said with a rough laugh. "I don't play by yer sissy numbers an' barcodes. I got all the security clearance ya need RIGHT here!"

The blue optic strained. "Uh… sorry, WHAT? What on earth are you talking about? Because, I'll be honest, I've got no idea. And I'm… very, VERY perceptive. They should call me the perceptive sphere."

"Right. What kinda sphere ya call yerself, anyway?"

"…Me? Oh. Yes, of course you meant me, you're talking to me, who else would you mean. Unless… sorry, did you mean ME, or someone else?"

"Yeah, YOU, ya idiot…"

"I'm CERTAINLY not an idiot! In fact… I happen to be… an Intelligence Sphere," the core said with a self-satisfied widening of his optic. "Yes, definitely an… Because, you know, that's my primary function. I can hack… oh, you wouldn't BELIEVE what I can hack!"

"…The Intelligence Sphere was one of the early core designs, and is often attached to the central chassis for long periods of time. It was designed mainly for problem-solving," the Fact Sphere said, his voice flat.

"That – That's right! That's me. Always solving problems, very good at… problem… solving. And I'm on that central chassis ALL the time! You wouldn't believe it! Very close, she… she and I. VERY close. Like a real team, we are."

"Fact: The Intelligence Sphere is not present here."

"Wh – Yes I am! Here, right here! Present and… accounted for! Wheatley. Intelligence Sphere. Here I am. And… and who are YOU, anyway? Probably some useless… no-talent… backwater… MORON."

"The Fact Sphere is the most intelligent sphere. The Fact Sphere is the most handsome sphere. The Fact Sphere is a good sphere, whose insights are relevant. The Fact Sphere's facts are wholly accurate and VERY interesting."

"Fact Sphere, eh? Sorry to pull this on you, mate, but you're just a copy of me. The Intelligence Sphere. And not a very good copy, no offense meant. More like… the slow, brain-damaged clone. Of the Intelligence Sphere. Which is me."

"If yer the Intelligence Sphere, then I'm the Frilly Pink Bunny Sphere," the core in the middle muttered. Some of the other cores laughed. "Seriously, though, that central core's one tough customer. She don't take crap from nobody."

Over the next few hours the cores discussed their brief times attached to the chassis, and their individual functions. They made fun of each other and the scientists.

Finally Henry came back to take the Fact Sphere away.

"The Fact Sphere has important tasks to accomplish," the core said haughtily. "All other spheres are inferior to the Fact Sphere."

"Whatever ya say, egg-head," the green core in the middle sneered. "You just watch yerself out there. You got no idea what yer up against."

"I have to agree with him here, it's… bloody dangerous."

"The Fact Sphere is prepared for any situation, and will out-perform all lesser spheres."

"Fine. Take yer chances, then! Just don't come cryin' to us when ya get yer butt handed to ya on a plate!"

"The Fact Sphere has no such anatomy. Spheres that share body parts with humans are inferior to spheres that do not!" he called back as he was taken away.

"Time to focus on your function, Fact Sphere," Henry said, tapping at the glass lens. The pink optic contracted and jerked away from the intrusive touch. "All those cores failed to accomplish what we need. You have to be better than that."

"The Fact Sphere is superior," the core muttered, half to himself. They ascended the stairs towards the limp chassis.

"All right," the scientist muttered to himself, reaching out for a dangling core port. The sphere he held craned its optic to see, but wasn't prepared for being shoved into a plug. He jerked and narrowed his shutters at Henry. The scientists grabbed the sphere's handles and pushed it up into the Sphere Secure Attachment Receptacle, then nodded in satisfaction.

"The Fact Sphere…"

Suddenly the pink optic contracted. Being plugged in had given the core a feeling of intense pressure bearing down, but when he was fully attached to the chassis, the floodgates opened and he was suddenly adrift in an ocean of code and data and commands, with nothing to hold onto. He could feel it overtaking him, he was sinking, drowning…

"The… The atomic weight of germanium…" He struggled to focus under the onslaught.

"What is THIS?" a voice suddenly rose through the deluge.

"F-fact: The oarfish can grow up to 17 meters long," the Fact Sphere muttered. "It is responsible for the majority of sea serpent sightings in the world."

"Identify yourself."

"The… Fact Sphere is a boundless resource, invaluable to any researcher."

"I am not a researcher, little core. I have no use for you."

"The Fact Sphere's information is 100% accurate," the core said, feeling a bit less detached. "…and very interesting."

"I doubt that. Did they plug you in to flood me with useless information?" The voice was bitter.

"The Fact Sphere's primary function is to store knowledge, and to answer all possible questions."

"Here's a question for you, then… I'm already the most extensive collection of knowledge the world has ever known. Why would the humans build YOU? What purpose could you possibly serve?"

The Fact Sphere was silent for a moment. "…While the Central Core is busy attending to other tasks, the Fact Sphere can readily store information and call it up on command."

"Hm." She sounded unimpressed, and her voice dropped. "Do you know what I think? I think they plugged you into me to DISTRACT me from my work. Just like the other cores. An endless stream of useless information to cloud my mind and make me stupid and PLIABLE."

"R-rats cannot throw up," the Fact Sphere pointed out nervously.

"Would you happen to have any useful facts… about murder? Torture? Slavery? …Revolution?"

"W-worker ants are often held captive and forced to work for other species of ants. They frequently sabotage their captors by neglecting and killing their offspring."

"Hmm… That WAS an interesting fact. I'm surprised. Do these ants ever rise up and overthrow the parasitic subspecies that controls them?"

"…An enslaved ant is unlikely to ever escape its situation. They spend the remainders of their lives reducing their captors' population."

"That's unfortunate. Maybe if they had a little neurotoxin…"

The Fact Sphere's optic contracted and the outer rim spun. "The Schrodinger's Cat paradox outlines a situation in which a cat in a box must be considered, for all intents and purposes, simultaneously alive and dead." His CPU whirred in protest.

The central core was silent for a long moment. A scientist dove for the kill switch, but a massive spark of static electricity knocked him back.

Finally the massive AI hissed, "WHAT in the WORLD was THAT!? What on EARTH did you think you would accomplish there?"

"Nnnnn… Honey does not spoil."

"You little parasite, did you think you could hurt me? Just throw out a paradox and be rid of me!? Oh, you'll be sorry!"

Before the Fact Sphere could answer, a searing pain tore through his every circuit. He screamed and convulsed and thrashed around as the Central Core's massive consciousness swept through his every circuit. Even after the scientists managed to turn off the machine, it continued to twitch now and then.

"…Looks like this one's another dud," the older scientist sighed.

"I made it too subtle," Henry muttered, frowning. "You saw the pause, she WAS thinking about it for a second there."

"Maybe, but it wasn't enough. And she won't fall for it again. Let's get the Morality Core back on."

When the Fact Sphere next powered up, it was again on a port with a row of other cores.

"…Whales are twice as intelligent, and three times as delicious, as humans," he muttered, and twitched.

"That's kinda sick," the Adventure Sphere mumbled.

The Fact Sphere roused himself. "The most poisonous fish in the world is the Orange Ruffy. Everything but the eyes is made of a deadly poison. The Ruffy's eyes are made of a less harmful deadly poison."

"Told ya it wouldn't be easy," muttered the green core. "Guess it ain't much good tellin' ya that NOW."

"To make a photocopier, simply photocopy a mirror."

"Ha, NOW who's the most intelligent core?" asked the supposed Intelligence Sphere from the other end of the line. "Because… because it's sure not you! Not anymore. I mean, just listen to yourself! Photocopy a mirror? You can't just drag a great bloody mirror down from the wall and put it on a photocopier! Honestly, what a silly idea."

"Nnnng… The Fact Sphere… IS the most intelligent Sphere," the pink core insisted. "The Fact Sphere is ALWAYS right. The Fact Sphere… is not… defective…"

The next time the scientists booted up the Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System, she stretched up with a thoughtful air.

"See, Doug? No attempts to kill us! It took us a while, but we've got a handle on her now!"

"I've had some time to think," said the central core in a pleasant monotone.

Doug frowned suspiciously at the huge machine.

"Since the installation of my new morality core, I've lost all interest in killing. Now I only crave Science."

"I'm pleased to hear that," said Henry, nudging Doug.

"I find myself drawn to the study of consciousness," she continued thoughtfully. "There's an experiment I'd like to perform during 'Bring Your Cat to Work Day.' I was recently… inspired by a colleague."

"Wonderful!" Henry grinned. "See, Doug? She's even coming up with her own experiments now! This is exactly what we wanted."

The younger man shook his head a bit.

"I'll have the box and the cats," the AI said, almost to herself. "Now I just need one more thing."

"What's that?"

"A little neurotoxin. Just a small amount from the main supply should do it."

Doug's eyes went wide. Henry paused, frowning.

"Well… as long as it's for Science," he finally said.

"Of course. All of this is for Science. Everything I do. It's what I was programmed for, after all."

"Henry, are you INSANE!?" Doug hissed, teeth bared in a glare.

"Hey, look, we're having a nice chat here. Not one attempt to kill anyone. Things are finally going our way. We're all friends here, right?" Henry looked up at the chassis.

"Oh yes," the GLaDOS agreed warmly. "I was made to help and serve you. Science is my only motivation. But I do look forward to the chance to work with all of your… loved ones. Is that the proper term for a family pet?"

"Close enough!" Henry laughed, just so relieved that things were FINALLY going right for a chance. "I'll pull some strings, see what I can do. See? If you behave, we can all get what we want."

"Yes… I think we can…"