Disclaimer: Let's get this outta the way first. I do not own any of these characters. I do not want to own any of these characters. I play the DOA2 game and that is as far as it get's. I only write this fanfiction for the amusement of myself, and screw all the others who don't like it, cause I don't give a damn.
DOA2: The Out-Takes
[Kasumi walks into a dark room. A bright light shines down upon her. She takes a micro-phone in her hands]
Kasumi
Hello, my name is Kasumi. You might remember me from such PS2 beat-em-up's as Dead Or Alive 2? The nice people here at Tecmo have decided to show you just what went on in the making of their fantastic game, which starred some of my bestest friends, like Leifang, Tina Armstrong and of course, me. So, without further ado, let's get those camera's rolling!
Part One/Kasumi
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Kasumi has to face up to her evil clone. She jumps up into the air to face Kasumi X. Upon landing, she twists her ankle]
Kasumi
Ow! Shit! I told you this morning that I wasn't ready for that stunt yet!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Kasumi prepares to say her lines to Kasumi X]
Kasumi
How dare you, swinger?! *slaps her own head* I mean, swindler!
Director
Kasumi baby! How many times did we rehearsh that line?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Kasumi meets up with Hayabusa. He tries to fight with her]
Kasumi
I don't want to fight! Let me go! Please leave, Hayabu... *she gets hit in the face accidentally* Ow! Goddamn! Watch it, asshole!
Hayabusa
*struggling not to laugh* I'm-I'm... *bursts out laughing*
Director
Cut! Cut cut cut!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Kasumi meets up with Hayabusa. He tries to fight with her]
Kasumi
I don't want to fight! Let me go! Please leave, Hayabusa!
Hayabusa
I promised Hayate. I cannot let you die. I cannot let... *bursts out laughing* I'm sorry here! But one of Kasumi's things have fallen out!
Kasumi
What?! *looks down at her breasts* Ah! *runs off covering her chest*
Director
Ding dong! *licks his lips* Nurse! The screens!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Kasumi prepares to fight Ayane]
Ayane
You always were the whore! ...Oh Christ! What did I just say?!
Director
Cut! Ayane, the line is "You always were the heroine!"
Ayane
Sorry. Can we re-take?
Kasumi
That was just a slip of the tongue, right?
Ayane
Oh, of course!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Kasumi prepares to fight with Hayate]
Kasumi
Hayate...
Hayate
You know me?
Kasumi
Yep, we spent last night together! I'm suprised you forgot!
Director
Cut! That's not in the script, Kasumi!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Kasumi has just beaten Hayate. She is resting his head in her lap]
Kasumi
Hayate... I... I...
Hayate
Good God, you have a fabulous pair of knockers here, Kasumi.
Director
Hayate! Stop adding your own lines!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part Two/Hayabusa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Hayabusa is cutting down trees with his sword. He chops them down but one falls on his head]
Hayabusa
Ow! *rubs his head* I'm going for a lie down!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Hayabusa prepares to fight Jann-Lee]
Hayabusa
Leave! Now! This is not a simple combat championship! I don't think you commoner's can handle it!
Jann-Lee
You're right! We can't! I'm off home!
Hayabusa
*turns to the director* Was that in the script?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Hayabusa prepares to fight Jann-Lee]
Hayabusa
Leave! Now! This is not a simple com... *bursts out laughing* Stop it! Stop it!
Director
Cut! Just what the hell is going on here?!
Hayabusa
Nothing... nothing... *laughs again*
Director
*looks at Jann-Lee who is poking his tongue out* Oh, I see! Just put your tongue away, Lee!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Hayabusa prepares to fight Hayate]
Hayabusa
You... couldn't be...
Hayate
No, I'm not!
Director
Goddammit! Cut!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Hayabusa beats Hayate in combat]
Hayate
Now I remember... you're the mail man!
Director
Hayate! Stick to the Goddamn script!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Hayabusa beats Hayate in combat]
Hayate
Now I remember... you're Ryu.
Hayabusa
I know you very well. Trust me. Until then... *Hayabusa prepares to do his disappearing trick, but fails*
Director
Hayabusa! Why did you have to fail me now?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Hayabusa prepares to fight Tengu]
Hayabusa
Let me take your life!
Tengu
Who's talk... *he sneezes over Hayabusa*
Hayabusa
Aw, sick!
Director
*struggling not to laugh* Someone get this man a tissue!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Hayabusa beats Tengu in combat]
Hayabusa
Farewell! Evil has vanished!
Tengu
Sorry to interrupt, but my back is seriously killing me here!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part Three/Gen Fu
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Gen Fu prepares to fight Leon]
Gen Fu
Are you the... the, um...
Director
Cut! The line is "Are you the next one?", okay Gen Fu?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Gen Fu prepares to fight Leon]
Gen Fu
Are you the next one?
Leon
I won't hold back, old man.
Gen Fu
Don't take me lightly old man!
Director
Cut! *turns to face the camera men* We are going to have to think long and hard before hiring senile old men for the next DOA game.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Gen Fu prepares to fight Helena]
Helena
You're not acting like a master. What is this tournament worth to you?
Gen Fu
*stares into space*
Helena
You're not acting like a master! What is this tournament worth to you?!
Gen Fu
*scratches his head*
Helena
That does it! I am not working with this man ever again!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Gen Fu prepares to fight Helena]
Helena
You're not acting like a master. What is this tournament worth to you?
Gen Fu
Monkey... it can save someone's life.
Director
Cut! God, I need a cold beer!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Gen Fu prepares to fight Helena]
Helena
You're not acting like a master. What is this tournament worth to you?
Gen Fu
Money... it can save someone's life.
Helena
I see... I can buy that.
Gen Fu
Well, then, what are you looking for in this tournament?
Helena
Mr. Director, sir. Please could you tell Mr. Gen Fu to stop starring at my breasts!
Director
Alright! Alright! Cut! And Gen Fu, the next time we shoot this scene, look into Helena's eyes, okay? Not her breasts!
Gen Fu
Aw!*hangs his head in shame*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Gen Fu beats Tengu in combat]
Gen Fu
There is an old saying... that "the nose of the tengu" can cure any diseases. *bends down to grab tengu's nose* Do I really have to actually touch the nose?
Tengu
*sitting up* Look! We've been over this five times! The nose is not real!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part Four/Helena
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Helena prepares to fight Ayane]
Ayane
Wow. You came all the way here.
Helena
You...
Ayane
No, President Clinton!
Director
Cut!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Helena prepares to fight Ayane]
Ayane
Wow. You came all the way here.
Helena
You...
Ayane
Well, who knows?
Helena
You... you killed my mother!
Ayane
Nope, it was Charlie Manson.
Helena
*laughing* Oh, you are terrible!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Helena beats Tengu in combat]
Helena
*looking at her locket* Mother... *she steps on something soggy and looks down at her feet* Oh no! Mr. Director, Tengu hasn't been using the toilets again!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part Five/Tina
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Tina prepares to fight Leifang]
*throwing a large boulder* This is power, Leifang!
Leifang
*the boulder lands at her feet* You don't know anything about power! *she kneels down to break the boulder with her fist* Ow! Shit!
Director
Oh Christ! Quick! Someone call a Goddamn ambulance!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Tina prepares to fight Zack]
Zack
Wow! I wouldn't mind getting a hold of those melons!
Tina
Let's see the size of your penis first!
Director
*turns to face the cameramen* Do you think we'll get that one past the censors? *the cameramen shake their heads* No, I didn't think so either. Okay, cut! We're gonna have to do a complete re-write on that scene!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Tina prepares to fight Zack]
Zack
Forget this fight, why don't we go kick it alone for a while?
Tina
I don't have a problem with that. C'mon, let's go!
Director
Cut! Love the new scene, but let's try to stick to the new lines, huh Tina?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Tina beats Bass in combat]
Bass
You... you stubborn kid...
Tina
Daddy, you unemployed whale!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part Six/Bass
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Bass inspects a poster of his daughter, Tina Armstrong]
Bass
Hmmm... *peels off a corner of the poster* Ergh! *he begins to walk off but then farts* Oops!
Director
Oh! *turns to the cameramen* Can we edit that out?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Bass watches a TV show with his daughter walking the catwalk]
Bass
Hmmm... argh! *he loses his temper and smashes the TV set* Ow! My friggin' hand! I think I broke it!
Director
Geez! *turns to the cameramen* Call 911...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Bass beats Tengu in combat]
Tina
*running towards him* Daddy!
Bass
Tina! My baby! *he picks her up and lifts her onto his shoulders but the weight is too much and they both fall over*
Director
Cut! Bass, I think we need to bring in your stunt double for this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part Seven/Zack
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Zack prepares to fight Leon]
Leon
We meet again.
Zack
Yeah, sorry about that whole trying to rob you thing.
Leon
*bursts out laughing* You're a killer!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Zack is ambushed by Bass]
Zack
*sneaking up behind a shrew* Hey, Tina! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were Tina.
Director
Zack, just stick to your lines, okay?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Zack is ambushed by Bass]
Zack
*sneaking up behind a shrew* Hey, Tina! From today, you will be my Tina!
Bass
*running behind him* Did you say Tifa?!
Zack
No, Tina.
Director
Cut! Aw, Bass, you're as bad as Gen Fu!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Zack beats Tengu in combat]
Zack
*getting on his snowboard* Woo-hoo! *the snowboard tips over* Ow!
Director
*sigh* Stunt double!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part Eight/Leon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Leon prepares to fight Zack]
Leon
We meet again.
Zack
Who are you? I dunno you! *throws his mirror* Check yourself before you wreck yourself!
Leon
*he fails to smash the mirror correctly and the glass cuts into his hand* Argh! Shit!
Director
Cut! Uh, no pun intended there Leo, old chap!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Leon beats Tengu in combat]
Leon
I'm not concerned about the tengu... just about my next pay check!
Director
Cut! You'll get your money Leon! Just like the rest of the friggin' cast!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part Nine/Jann-Lee
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Jann-Lee prepares to punch a candle light. He punches it and his hand sets on fire]
Jann-Lee
Ow! *clutches his hand* Goddammit!
Director
Get this man some water! Stat!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Jann-Lee prepares to fight Leifang]
Leifang
I mastered "Kung-Fu"... to live in your world!
Jann-Lee
Yeah? Well I mastered the art of good lovin', so I could live in yours. Tell your mother I said "Hi"!
Leifang
*bursts out laughing*
Director
Where do we get these people?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Jann-Lee beats Tengu in combat. He punches a tree but breaks his hand]
Jann-Lee
Shit! Shit shit shit! Shit!
Director
It's just one accident after another with you guys, huh?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part Ten/Leifang
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Leifang prepares to fight Tina]
Tina
*throwing a large boulder* This is power, Leifang!
Leifang
*the boulder lands at her feet* Uh-huh? Well, this is beauty! *she shows Tina her knockers*
Tina
*whistles*
Director
That is good! Ahem! But it can't go in the finished version! Cut!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Leifang prepares to fight Gen Fu]
Gen Fu
For the sake of my granddaughter...
Leifang
Yeah, she's pretty corny in bed, huh?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Leifang walks into the elevator where Helena is waiting]
Leifang
Hey there, sexy!
Helena
There's... no lines in this scene.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Leifang beats Helena in combat]
Leifang
Let's meet again at my apartment!
Director
Leifang! I've just about had it up to here with your lesbian references!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part Eleven/Ayane
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Ayane beats Helena in combat]
Ayane
Hey, you didn't have time to conga!
Director
Cut! That's "sing" Ayane! Not conga! The girl is a oprah singer! Not a bloody dancer!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Ayane beats Kasumi in combat]
Ayane
You runaway slut!
Director
Cut! Ayane, the line is "You runaway shinobi!"
Ayane
Re-take?
Director
Uh-huh!
Kasumi
That was another slip of the tongue, right? I mean, you don't really think I'm a slut, do you?
Ayane
Certainly not!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Ayane prepares to fight Hayate]
Ayane
Aren't you Hayate?
Hayate
*farts*
Ayane
*laughs hysterically*
Director
Enough with the fart jokes, people!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Ayane beats Tengu in combat]
Ayane
Behold! I am the miyamas woman tengu!
Tengu
*sitting up* Really? Then that mean's you're officially my woman! C'mere bitch!
Director
Tengu, just stay on the floor!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part Twelve/Hayate
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Helena prepares to fight Hayate]
Helena
I heard Project Epsilon was a faliure.
Hayate
What do you know? What is Project Epsilon?
Helena
*stutters*
Hayate
You've forgotton your lines, haven't you?
Director
Idiots! Cut!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Hayate beats Tengu in combat]
Hayate
Now I understand! I am Hayate! *mutters to himself* Now I understand... I am... Hayate... I am Hayate... I am...
Director
For Godsake Hayate! You had three days to learn this!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The End
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Credits
Written by Bankotsubo
Directed by Norman Sizzler
DOA2: The Out-Takes
[Kasumi walks into a dark room. A bright light shines down upon her. She takes a micro-phone in her hands]
Kasumi
Hello, my name is Kasumi. You might remember me from such PS2 beat-em-up's as Dead Or Alive 2? The nice people here at Tecmo have decided to show you just what went on in the making of their fantastic game, which starred some of my bestest friends, like Leifang, Tina Armstrong and of course, me. So, without further ado, let's get those camera's rolling!
Part One/Kasumi
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Kasumi has to face up to her evil clone. She jumps up into the air to face Kasumi X. Upon landing, she twists her ankle]
Kasumi
Ow! Shit! I told you this morning that I wasn't ready for that stunt yet!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Kasumi prepares to say her lines to Kasumi X]
Kasumi
How dare you, swinger?! *slaps her own head* I mean, swindler!
Director
Kasumi baby! How many times did we rehearsh that line?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Kasumi meets up with Hayabusa. He tries to fight with her]
Kasumi
I don't want to fight! Let me go! Please leave, Hayabu... *she gets hit in the face accidentally* Ow! Goddamn! Watch it, asshole!
Hayabusa
*struggling not to laugh* I'm-I'm... *bursts out laughing*
Director
Cut! Cut cut cut!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Kasumi meets up with Hayabusa. He tries to fight with her]
Kasumi
I don't want to fight! Let me go! Please leave, Hayabusa!
Hayabusa
I promised Hayate. I cannot let you die. I cannot let... *bursts out laughing* I'm sorry here! But one of Kasumi's things have fallen out!
Kasumi
What?! *looks down at her breasts* Ah! *runs off covering her chest*
Director
Ding dong! *licks his lips* Nurse! The screens!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Kasumi prepares to fight Ayane]
Ayane
You always were the whore! ...Oh Christ! What did I just say?!
Director
Cut! Ayane, the line is "You always were the heroine!"
Ayane
Sorry. Can we re-take?
Kasumi
That was just a slip of the tongue, right?
Ayane
Oh, of course!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Kasumi prepares to fight with Hayate]
Kasumi
Hayate...
Hayate
You know me?
Kasumi
Yep, we spent last night together! I'm suprised you forgot!
Director
Cut! That's not in the script, Kasumi!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Kasumi has just beaten Hayate. She is resting his head in her lap]
Kasumi
Hayate... I... I...
Hayate
Good God, you have a fabulous pair of knockers here, Kasumi.
Director
Hayate! Stop adding your own lines!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part Two/Hayabusa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Hayabusa is cutting down trees with his sword. He chops them down but one falls on his head]
Hayabusa
Ow! *rubs his head* I'm going for a lie down!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Hayabusa prepares to fight Jann-Lee]
Hayabusa
Leave! Now! This is not a simple combat championship! I don't think you commoner's can handle it!
Jann-Lee
You're right! We can't! I'm off home!
Hayabusa
*turns to the director* Was that in the script?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Hayabusa prepares to fight Jann-Lee]
Hayabusa
Leave! Now! This is not a simple com... *bursts out laughing* Stop it! Stop it!
Director
Cut! Just what the hell is going on here?!
Hayabusa
Nothing... nothing... *laughs again*
Director
*looks at Jann-Lee who is poking his tongue out* Oh, I see! Just put your tongue away, Lee!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Hayabusa prepares to fight Hayate]
Hayabusa
You... couldn't be...
Hayate
No, I'm not!
Director
Goddammit! Cut!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Hayabusa beats Hayate in combat]
Hayate
Now I remember... you're the mail man!
Director
Hayate! Stick to the Goddamn script!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Hayabusa beats Hayate in combat]
Hayate
Now I remember... you're Ryu.
Hayabusa
I know you very well. Trust me. Until then... *Hayabusa prepares to do his disappearing trick, but fails*
Director
Hayabusa! Why did you have to fail me now?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Hayabusa prepares to fight Tengu]
Hayabusa
Let me take your life!
Tengu
Who's talk... *he sneezes over Hayabusa*
Hayabusa
Aw, sick!
Director
*struggling not to laugh* Someone get this man a tissue!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Hayabusa beats Tengu in combat]
Hayabusa
Farewell! Evil has vanished!
Tengu
Sorry to interrupt, but my back is seriously killing me here!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part Three/Gen Fu
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Gen Fu prepares to fight Leon]
Gen Fu
Are you the... the, um...
Director
Cut! The line is "Are you the next one?", okay Gen Fu?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Gen Fu prepares to fight Leon]
Gen Fu
Are you the next one?
Leon
I won't hold back, old man.
Gen Fu
Don't take me lightly old man!
Director
Cut! *turns to face the camera men* We are going to have to think long and hard before hiring senile old men for the next DOA game.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Gen Fu prepares to fight Helena]
Helena
You're not acting like a master. What is this tournament worth to you?
Gen Fu
*stares into space*
Helena
You're not acting like a master! What is this tournament worth to you?!
Gen Fu
*scratches his head*
Helena
That does it! I am not working with this man ever again!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Gen Fu prepares to fight Helena]
Helena
You're not acting like a master. What is this tournament worth to you?
Gen Fu
Monkey... it can save someone's life.
Director
Cut! God, I need a cold beer!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Gen Fu prepares to fight Helena]
Helena
You're not acting like a master. What is this tournament worth to you?
Gen Fu
Money... it can save someone's life.
Helena
I see... I can buy that.
Gen Fu
Well, then, what are you looking for in this tournament?
Helena
Mr. Director, sir. Please could you tell Mr. Gen Fu to stop starring at my breasts!
Director
Alright! Alright! Cut! And Gen Fu, the next time we shoot this scene, look into Helena's eyes, okay? Not her breasts!
Gen Fu
Aw!*hangs his head in shame*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Gen Fu beats Tengu in combat]
Gen Fu
There is an old saying... that "the nose of the tengu" can cure any diseases. *bends down to grab tengu's nose* Do I really have to actually touch the nose?
Tengu
*sitting up* Look! We've been over this five times! The nose is not real!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part Four/Helena
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Helena prepares to fight Ayane]
Ayane
Wow. You came all the way here.
Helena
You...
Ayane
No, President Clinton!
Director
Cut!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Helena prepares to fight Ayane]
Ayane
Wow. You came all the way here.
Helena
You...
Ayane
Well, who knows?
Helena
You... you killed my mother!
Ayane
Nope, it was Charlie Manson.
Helena
*laughing* Oh, you are terrible!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Helena beats Tengu in combat]
Helena
*looking at her locket* Mother... *she steps on something soggy and looks down at her feet* Oh no! Mr. Director, Tengu hasn't been using the toilets again!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part Five/Tina
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Tina prepares to fight Leifang]
*throwing a large boulder* This is power, Leifang!
Leifang
*the boulder lands at her feet* You don't know anything about power! *she kneels down to break the boulder with her fist* Ow! Shit!
Director
Oh Christ! Quick! Someone call a Goddamn ambulance!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Tina prepares to fight Zack]
Zack
Wow! I wouldn't mind getting a hold of those melons!
Tina
Let's see the size of your penis first!
Director
*turns to face the cameramen* Do you think we'll get that one past the censors? *the cameramen shake their heads* No, I didn't think so either. Okay, cut! We're gonna have to do a complete re-write on that scene!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Tina prepares to fight Zack]
Zack
Forget this fight, why don't we go kick it alone for a while?
Tina
I don't have a problem with that. C'mon, let's go!
Director
Cut! Love the new scene, but let's try to stick to the new lines, huh Tina?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Tina beats Bass in combat]
Bass
You... you stubborn kid...
Tina
Daddy, you unemployed whale!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part Six/Bass
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Bass inspects a poster of his daughter, Tina Armstrong]
Bass
Hmmm... *peels off a corner of the poster* Ergh! *he begins to walk off but then farts* Oops!
Director
Oh! *turns to the cameramen* Can we edit that out?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Bass watches a TV show with his daughter walking the catwalk]
Bass
Hmmm... argh! *he loses his temper and smashes the TV set* Ow! My friggin' hand! I think I broke it!
Director
Geez! *turns to the cameramen* Call 911...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Bass beats Tengu in combat]
Tina
*running towards him* Daddy!
Bass
Tina! My baby! *he picks her up and lifts her onto his shoulders but the weight is too much and they both fall over*
Director
Cut! Bass, I think we need to bring in your stunt double for this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part Seven/Zack
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Zack prepares to fight Leon]
Leon
We meet again.
Zack
Yeah, sorry about that whole trying to rob you thing.
Leon
*bursts out laughing* You're a killer!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Zack is ambushed by Bass]
Zack
*sneaking up behind a shrew* Hey, Tina! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were Tina.
Director
Zack, just stick to your lines, okay?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Zack is ambushed by Bass]
Zack
*sneaking up behind a shrew* Hey, Tina! From today, you will be my Tina!
Bass
*running behind him* Did you say Tifa?!
Zack
No, Tina.
Director
Cut! Aw, Bass, you're as bad as Gen Fu!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Zack beats Tengu in combat]
Zack
*getting on his snowboard* Woo-hoo! *the snowboard tips over* Ow!
Director
*sigh* Stunt double!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part Eight/Leon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Leon prepares to fight Zack]
Leon
We meet again.
Zack
Who are you? I dunno you! *throws his mirror* Check yourself before you wreck yourself!
Leon
*he fails to smash the mirror correctly and the glass cuts into his hand* Argh! Shit!
Director
Cut! Uh, no pun intended there Leo, old chap!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Leon beats Tengu in combat]
Leon
I'm not concerned about the tengu... just about my next pay check!
Director
Cut! You'll get your money Leon! Just like the rest of the friggin' cast!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part Nine/Jann-Lee
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Jann-Lee prepares to punch a candle light. He punches it and his hand sets on fire]
Jann-Lee
Ow! *clutches his hand* Goddammit!
Director
Get this man some water! Stat!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Jann-Lee prepares to fight Leifang]
Leifang
I mastered "Kung-Fu"... to live in your world!
Jann-Lee
Yeah? Well I mastered the art of good lovin', so I could live in yours. Tell your mother I said "Hi"!
Leifang
*bursts out laughing*
Director
Where do we get these people?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Jann-Lee beats Tengu in combat. He punches a tree but breaks his hand]
Jann-Lee
Shit! Shit shit shit! Shit!
Director
It's just one accident after another with you guys, huh?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part Ten/Leifang
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Leifang prepares to fight Tina]
Tina
*throwing a large boulder* This is power, Leifang!
Leifang
*the boulder lands at her feet* Uh-huh? Well, this is beauty! *she shows Tina her knockers*
Tina
*whistles*
Director
That is good! Ahem! But it can't go in the finished version! Cut!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Leifang prepares to fight Gen Fu]
Gen Fu
For the sake of my granddaughter...
Leifang
Yeah, she's pretty corny in bed, huh?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Leifang walks into the elevator where Helena is waiting]
Leifang
Hey there, sexy!
Helena
There's... no lines in this scene.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Leifang beats Helena in combat]
Leifang
Let's meet again at my apartment!
Director
Leifang! I've just about had it up to here with your lesbian references!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part Eleven/Ayane
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Ayane beats Helena in combat]
Ayane
Hey, you didn't have time to conga!
Director
Cut! That's "sing" Ayane! Not conga! The girl is a oprah singer! Not a bloody dancer!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Ayane beats Kasumi in combat]
Ayane
You runaway slut!
Director
Cut! Ayane, the line is "You runaway shinobi!"
Ayane
Re-take?
Director
Uh-huh!
Kasumi
That was another slip of the tongue, right? I mean, you don't really think I'm a slut, do you?
Ayane
Certainly not!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Ayane prepares to fight Hayate]
Ayane
Aren't you Hayate?
Hayate
*farts*
Ayane
*laughs hysterically*
Director
Enough with the fart jokes, people!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Ayane beats Tengu in combat]
Ayane
Behold! I am the miyamas woman tengu!
Tengu
*sitting up* Really? Then that mean's you're officially my woman! C'mere bitch!
Director
Tengu, just stay on the floor!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part Twelve/Hayate
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Helena prepares to fight Hayate]
Helena
I heard Project Epsilon was a faliure.
Hayate
What do you know? What is Project Epsilon?
Helena
*stutters*
Hayate
You've forgotton your lines, haven't you?
Director
Idiots! Cut!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Hayate beats Tengu in combat]
Hayate
Now I understand! I am Hayate! *mutters to himself* Now I understand... I am... Hayate... I am Hayate... I am...
Director
For Godsake Hayate! You had three days to learn this!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The End
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Credits
Written by Bankotsubo
Directed by Norman Sizzler