Disclaimer: Everything belongs to J.K. Rowling.
A Little Bit Self- Reckoning
I was going to go to a party with Hermione.
Indeed.
But fate played a dirty game on me, tragedy reared his ugly head, now she is down at the party with a moron, and I am stuck here in a deserted dark classroom with Lavender well, the lass who people call my girlfrend. I would never believe in a million years that I would date her.
And whatsmore, I am snogging her.
Girlfriend? How could I bring the things up here? Pathetic. The very innocent movement after the match and now there is the consequence, which is not very innocent anyway. Who said I wanted to date her? I didn't know that kissing meant dating. That night, blinded with jealousy and resentment, I had accepted her warmy hug and her consolation kiss, but the next day she was calling me sweetheart.
This must be a dream. No, this must be a nightmare. Just a couple of weeks ago, something like a miracle had happened. Hermione, who had accused me for being the loser of the century and the most insensitive prat, decided to invite me to a party amongst a lot of boys. That misty day, when she abruptly announced the Slughorn's impending party we were in the Herbology class, squeezing the pods. The news sent shivers to my stomach. Thinking that I would never be able to go since I wasn't on the list, with a lame humour, I implied that she could go with McLaggen ignoring the jealousy gnawing inside me. However despite my desparete attempt, Hermione, looking a bit nervous and crimson, stated that she had been considering asking me. "If you'd rather I hooked up with McLaggen," she added afterwards.
Her statement did catch me out of guard. I was shocked yet ecstatic. Practically, she had asked me out. And then, for fear that she could change her mind, pretending to be cool, I said; "I wouldn't," in a very little voice whereas inside I was screaming like a crazy. But in a minute a big crash brought me out of the reverie and I realized that Harry had been nearby, he had witnessed our awkward dialogue. I remember Hermione's cheeks went pink and I was grinning all over.
What's changed now? We're fallen apart. She is cross with me. And ironically enough, she is with McLaggen. There is something very wrong about it, I know. Like someone acting me from inside, and telling me what to do. It can't be human actually, an abnormal monster.
A sudden yet long time thought on it. Yes, I am the responsible one. I accept. But who can blame me so quickly? I have a reason, I have a big excuse indeed.
It's all her fault. Why would I feel troubled? She started it. If someone should feel troubled it must be her. I should enjoy my girlfriend. They all accused me for being an inexperienced bloke. See, I can have experience if I wanted. Arrghh! But why can't I? Why I can't concentrate on my girlfriend. Why I am mentally trying to make myself believe that I am not guilty. Why I have been doing this since the first day?
Okay, I have been deciving myself. I feel guilty. But I can't tell this to anyone, can I? How can I tell people that "hey guys do you know what? I am a prat who is nothing more than a jealous, selfish boy." They would laugh at me. Not that they haven't been doing, Merlin knows. Harry, for instance. I can feel what he thinks by the way he looks at me. You wanted Ron.
So I kept pretending that it is what I wanted. Honestly, is it called dating?
Great now, Lavender is trying to undo my jumper. Bloody Hell. Doesn't she feel at all that I am cold? Doesn't she know that how a real kiss should be. She is completely concentrated. And I'm not helping her, not one bit. This is utterly ridiculous. I'm bad at snogging, can't she see? Apparently not!
What's she up at the party, with Cormac, I wonder. It's not a date, is it? When the hell did he ask her out? I mean Hermione's not been talking to me since this Lavender thing, but I've been keeping an eye on her. Secretly, I've been following her. Where she has been. What she has been doing. When did that prat ask her for the party? I mean, he was supposed to be afraid of me.
What if Hermione asked him out? No. This is impossible. "No." Did I just say that out loud?
"Did I hurt you?" now Lavender is asking me. "No it's okay," I say. Good, she isn't curious anyway. She doesn't hurt me. But I don't feel anything, either. So, what the hell she's doing to me is just pointless for the time being.
She just can't have asked him out. First of all, she perfectly knows that I hate him. Secondly he has an eye on my place. And third, um… well, I hate him. I thought she didn't like him, either. Honestly he is way too old for her.
What did she say exactly? I really like good quidditch players. Good my ass. She doesn't like quidditch at all. Now when did she become an expert on quidditch, after Krum probably? Duh. And if Cormac is one of the good quidditch players, I don't know anything then. I am better than him, aren't I? Didn't I beat him at the tryouts? Hermione is so um… well…illogical.
The walls come over me, I can't breathe properly. But not because Lavender is snogging me out. I just don't feel good. I'm dead bored in this dark classroom. How to tell it to Lavender? Bloody Hell. She is soo enthuastic but she doesn't make me feel warm in the slightest. I should flee, but how?
Where can I go? Should I go to the dormitary? All alone in the dormy! Like I am an alone, pathetic guy. No, I won't let that happen. I have a girlfriend for Merlin's sake.
That's it. I've had enough. She's started to hurt me now. I don't feel my lips. I should call it off right away.
I push her by the shoulders slightly. Good, she's staring at me expectantly. Say something I scowl myself. You prat, say something! She gives me another seductive grin and is preparing to lean on.
"Lavender," I finally mutter. She expects me to say something. I need an excuse. I need an excuse…
"People," I mutter again. She doesn't understand.
"Party is about to over, they are about to come," I say finally, with a wicked expression, trying to sound believable. She doesn't look troubled.
"Already?" she asks me like a stupid. I restrain myself from scowling. "What about I am bored of you?" I add mentally.
"Still, we should stop it!" I insist trying not to sound harsh, giving her a forceful apologetic smile. She looks at me crestfallen. I honestly don't care.
Seeing that I am not in a good mood for snogging, reluctantly she's gone to the dormitary. That's good. I can give a sigh of relief now. She left me alone. Gradually, I make my way to the common room. When I finally reach there, it's deserted and quiet.
I collapse onto the couch by the fireplace, feeling much more pathetic now. I am alone in the middle of the common room.
Suddenly an evil thought crosses my mind. What if I go to the party? Well, we didn't cancel it, did we? I mean I would remind Hermione that she had invited me. I should be up there, by her side. She would laugh at me, and so everybody would. "There is no need to reveal myself as a bigger prat," I decide.
I would go and tell Slughorn that Harry invited me, though. Without doubt, he would believe and wouldn't interrogate. So I could easily take an eye on Hermione. What are they doing? What is he doing to him? Better nothing because on the contrary... Instinctively, I clinch my fist at the thought of the image.
Well I just can't go. I am not brave enough. I mean if I went, Hermione would probablyleave the party. That's what she has been doing nowadays though. Leaving all the places I present. As if I have a contagious disaster.
No I won't go and ruin her party. She should have fun. Okay no. This is a really lame consolation.
Because it was supposed to be our party, our first party. We should have had fun together. And perhaps I would pick up some courage and ask her for dance. Someone please tell me it's just a nightmare. I'm here all-alone. No Harry, nor Hermione. I let out a sad sigh.
I can't sit. I am restless. I need some fresh air. I start to pace in the room, back and forth. Useless just useless, the pain in my chest doesn't end. What should I do? The old man in the big portrait is staring at me and whispering. Bloody portraits. Why don't they just go away? I give him a dangerous look but he just smirked. Merlin, do I look like that miserable?
The minute's pass, I still stare at the fireplace.
Half an hour passed and suddenly a slight noise got my attention. And now, what is it? I hear footsteps. My hearts starts racing. Who is coming that early from the party? I turn my head to the stairs and my heart skips a beat.
Hermione.
I watch her enter the room harshly with a murderous look on her face. She doesn't notice me. Good, I can study her. She looks very beautiful in her dark blue knee-cut dress. Is that the dress she chose for our party? She looks extremely beautiful.
How can she make me feel restless all of a sudden?
Finally she's noticed me. Just a glance. She looks surpised to see me, I know. But then she quickly avoided her eyes. It's what she has been doing nowadays actually, just a glance. Her eyes always flash dangerously, and she frowns deeply. It is not the usual Hermione, I know. I awfully miss her. Doesn't she notice my regret?
Here, I have the same reaction, yet again. But this time it lasts more than three seconds. It's just pathetic, I know, counting the seconds. But wait! I see something else now. Is it the pain in her eyes? No. It's resentment, I know. She is not angry, but sad. I am sad too. Why are we sad?
She's going. "No," I want to scream. Instead I manage some grumbling noise. It didn't catch her attention. I must do something. I've to make her stop. But what I'm going to say?
Why is she early I wonder, didn't she have fun? Did Cormac make her sad and ruin her party? She has a resentful expression on her face. Is it because of me? If I went with her, would she be happy? She is uncomfortable under my glares. I can feel it. She expects me to say something. I expect her to say something.
Is someone going to tell something?
I make a move clumsily. She steps back and heads her way to the stairs. "Wait," I mumble under my breath. She doesn't hear me, because I don't say it loudly.
Wait a second. She stops suddenly at the bottom of the stairs. My heart starts to race again. She is going to say something, I feel. But no, she just stares at me with the same hurt look on her face. She's uncomfortable. I feel helpless and pretend like I am interested in the couch.
"Good night," I mumble ultimately.
This time she hears me but in return she only spares a look, her eyes full of tears. She's still cross with me.
AN: There will be a sequence from Hermione's POV. If you're interested. :)
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