One of my favorite musicals is the Scarlet Pimpernel, and I love imagining who would be which character. And so, I wanted to do this with South Park. Then a plot began to form around the idea, so I decided to write a fan fiction about it. We'll see how well that goes.
Chapter One – The Auditions
It was senior year of high school. Wendy had been trying every year to get her boyfriend, Stan, to audition for the musical with her, but every year he declined. Until she finally broke him down in their senior year. He didn't know why she was so adamant about it.
"Come on, Stan, it will be fun!" she pleaded.
"Yeah, so much fun," Stan replied sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "Working long hours after school, getting yelled at by a director, straining your voice, learning complicated routines and in the end, you don't even get paid for it. That sounds like miles of fun!"
"It's the Scarlet Pimpernel this year," Wendy explained, dragging him along. "There's lots of action and death, and I'm going to be playing the main female lead! And you could get to be the Scarlet Pimpernel himself."
Stan highly doubted that, but he didn't want to say so out loud. Instead, he could only take solace in the fact that he managed to talk Kyle and Kenny in auditioning with him. He didn't know if he would have been able to do the musical if he didn't have at least one of his friends with him. There was no way in hell they could convince Cartman to audition. He kept going on and on about how he should be the one directing, not actually being in the musical because he had "vision," even though they all knew that it was just because he wanted to boss people around.
Stan couldn't decide if he was surprised or not that so many boys were at the auditions. On one hand, they had to continue the façade that they all think musicals were girly, but on the other hand, it was the French Revolution. Heads getting cut off, guns and blood, it was way too tempting.
Kenny and Kyle were already there, sitting with Craig, Tweek, and Clyde as they waited for Stan and Wendy. Stan made quick work greeting all of them before turning to Tweek in slight confusion.
"You're auditioning for the musical, Tweek?" he asked him. Tweek shook his head frantically.
"No way, man!" he gasped. "Way too much pressure! I'm in the orchestra. I'm just here to play the accompaniment for the auditions."
"I still can't believe you're making us do this, dude," Kenny sighed, rolling his eyes. "I just hope I just get an ensemble part and don't have to do as much."
"Stop complaining," Stan growled. "You didn't have to do this, you know."
More people were still pouring into the auditorium, including the goth kids, who were grumbling about their parents forcing them to do some sort of extra-curricular activity. Then Mr. Mackey and Mr. Adler came in, making their way down the aisle and hushing the crowd. They were carrying a big stack of papers with them, which they started passing out to the kids. Mr. Mackey and Mr. Adler were teaching in high school now because of reasons, and Mr. Mackey had somehow ended up becoming the director of the musical, while Mr. Adler was the choreographer. To Stan's utter surprise, Cartman was following close behind the two teachers.
"Cartman?" he called. "I thought you weren't auditioning for the musical."
"I'm not," Cartman replied, rolling his eyes. "I'm the assistant director. So, you better respect my authority, or else!"
"Oh great, we're all screwed," Kyle muttered under his breath. Speaking up, he added, "How did you manage to bribe Mr. Mackey into letting you be the assistant director, fat ass?"
"Well, maybe he just saw my natural abilities, Kyle," Cartman growled at him.
"You just kept bugging him until he said yes, didn't you?" Kyle guessed. Cartman glared at him and refused to answer as Mr. Mackey and Mr. Adler made their way up on stage.
"Mm-kay, folks," Mr. Mackey stated. "We're going to get started here as soon as you all finish filling out the forms we handed out. It's nothing too bad, mm-kay. Just what your experience is, what role you're auditioning for and your availability. Musicals are a lot of work, mm-kay. You're going to be putting in a lot of extra hours to make it perfect."
"So, you better not start screwing around," Mr. Adler added. "You all screw around too much."
They were all given about twenty minutes to fill out the forms before the two teachers went around and collected them. Then they went and sat behind a huge desk that was in the middle of the auditorium for some reason, muttering quietly to themselves for a moment. Finally, Mr. Mackey stood up and addressed the students.
"Mm-kay, when I call your name, go up on stage, introduce yourself, and tell us which song you'll be auditioning with, and which musical it's from, mm-kay," he told them. "You only need to sing a verse or two, mm-kay. Tweek, you ready?"
Tweek gave a nervous squeak before slowly standing and going up onto the stage, sitting down at the piano that was situated there. He did a couple of random scales before turning and nodding to Mr. Mackey.
"Alright now, Kenny, why don't you go first, mm-kay?" Mr. Mackey said. Kenny let out a sigh before slowly slumping out of his seat. He slowly shuffled up onto the stage, handing Tweek a piece of music before standing in the middle of the stage.
"I'm Kenny McCormick, and I'll be singing 'Leaning on a Lamp Post,' from," he then proceeded to mumble the title through his fist, since he didn't know what musical that song actually came from (and the author was too lazy to look it up).
He then proceeded to sing rather well the only lyrics the author could remember (the "oh me, oh my! I hope the little lady comes by!" and "She's not a girl like that! She's absolutely wonderful! And marvelous and beautiful…") before Mr. Mackey said "thank you!" and Kenny quickly hopped off the stage.
Pete was called up next, it took him a long time to get up on the stage because he slowly shuffled down the aisle from where he sat in the back, and he was forced to start his song, "Music of the Night" from Phantom of the Opera, over twice because he kept mumbling, and a lot of them were shocked with how nice his voice sounded when they could finally hear him.
Then a few girls were called up, including Bebe, who sang "Gonna Wash that Man Right out of my Hair," and Red, who sang "On My Own" from Les Miserables. Dougie sang "Oklahoma," Scott sang "Sixteen Going on Seventeen," and then Stan's name was finally called and he couldn't help but flinch.
He was acutely aware of everyone staring at him as he went onto the stage and handed Tweek his song. They were all watching him. Judging him. He had no idea how Wendy managed to do this every year.
Before he could even speak to introduce himself, he heard Cartman shout "Louder!" before being cut off with a sharp "Ow!" after being nudged hard in the ribs by Kyle. He let out a sigh before actually speaking.
"I'm Stan Marsh, and I'll be singing 'I Need to Know' from Jekyll and Hyde," he announced. He waited for Tweek to start playing before jumping in.
Almost immediately, he was surprised by how much conviction was in his voice as he sang. He couldn't believe that the voice coming out of his mouth was his own, but it was. He could actually remember all of the words, and after a moment, it seemed like the audience had disappeared. All that remained was him and the music. The only thing that snapped him out of it was the sound of applause. He blinked for a moment before realizing that a lot of the other kids had stood to clap for him, including Mr. Mackey and Mr. Adler.
"Mm-Kay, very good Stan," Mr. Mackey told him. "Very good indeed." Stan, suddenly feeling embarrassed, quickly hopped off the stage and took his seat next to Kyle. "Mm-kay, Clyde, how about you go next?"
Clyde, who had his feet up on the chair on the seat in front of him, let out a slight groan and slowly slumped up onto the stage, forcing his way through Craig who also had his legs up on one of the chairs and refusing to move to let his friend through.
"I'm Clyde Donovan," he said after handing Tweek his music. "And I'll be singing 'Bring Him Home," from Les Miserables."
Tweek started playing softly, and the moment the first note left Clyde's mouth, the entire auditorium was on the edge of its seat, enraptured by Clyde's voice. All of the girls were staring with their mouths hanging open, looking (Stan noticed with annoyance) extremely turned on by Clyde's singing. Even Cartman and Craig were staring wide-eyed up at him, as if they couldn't believe that it was really Clyde singing.
At some point the piano stopped playing and Clyde cut himself off with surprise, turning to Tweek. The twitchy blonde was staring back at him with wide eyes, obviously having forgotten that he was supposed to be accompanying his friend. Craig, from where he sat, blinked several times before looking over at his boyfriend.
"Um, Tweek?" he called to him. "Tweek?"
"WHAT? NO, I WASN'T!" Tweek shouted, turning back around in a panic. Craig stared back at him in confusion and Tweek buried his face into the piano in embarrassment. There was a clichéd Disney slow clap as Mr. Mackey, then everyone else stood to applaud Clyde, who nonchalantly hopped down and sat back down next to Craig.
"Wow, I am so glad I don't have to sing right after Clyde," Kenny said, staring over at their friend, who had gone back to laying his feet on the back of a chair. "I mean, I didn't even know Clyde could sing like that!"
"It was like an angel," Wendy agreed, her voice dream-like. "A really deep, powerful, sexy angel." Stan rolled his eyes.
"It wasn't that great," he grumbled under his breath.
"Jealous, Stan?" Kenny taunted.
"No!" he snapped at him, even though he most certainly was jealous. He didn't know why, it wasn't like he cared what part he got, and he knew that Wendy wouldn't leave him for something stupid like being able to sing, but still, Clyde could have toned it down a little. And for some reason it really annoyed Stan that Clyde didn't appear to care that he had gotten all of the girl's attention simply by singing.
Butters was called up onto the stage next, and he cursed softly as he slowly rose, obviously not thrilled about having to sing right after Clyde. Butters, despite stumbling through his song, "I Want to be a Producer," had a surprisingly soothing and pleasant voice. Nothing great, but it was easy on the ears.
A couple more nameless characters were called and sang various songs before Craig was called on stage. He had started to fall asleep when his name was called, startling him out of it and he shuffled onto the stage. He gave Tweek a quick kiss on the cheek before handing him his music and went to stand in the middle of the platform.
"I'm Craig Tucker, and I'll be singing 'What do I need with Love?' from Thoroughly Modern Millie," he announced. At this, Tweek immediately turned and narrowed his eyes suspiciously at him and he let out a sigh. "It's just an audition, babe," he told him.
Stan and his friends were close enough to the stage to hear Tweek mutter "Yeah, it better be," under his breath before pounding into the piano. Craig was surprisingly animated when he sang, getting wrapped up in his song until the final note. Then he went back to looking like he couldn't give a shit.
Then Wendy was finally called up. She flipped her hair behind her shoulders before standing and making her way on stage. She announced that she would be singing "Think of Me," from Phantom of the Opera before filling the auditorium with her voice.
Stan had to admit, she still sang beautifully, even in a simple audition. Stan had seen the musicals she had been in (he had to, she was his girlfriend, after all!) so he knew she sang great, but he was still surprised by it.
Wendy gave a curtsey when she was done and made her way off the stage. She started back towards Stan, then spotted Heidi and quickly made her way over to her instead.
"Hey Heidi," she greeted her friend. "I didn't know you were auditioning for the musical! You never auditioned before!"
"I know," Heidi replied, shrugging with a smile. "But you were always telling me how fun the musical is, so I thought I'd try it this year. Isn't that great?"
"That's awesome," Wendy replied, though for some reason a feeling of unease went through her. She shook it off. She was happy that her friend was auditioning, and there was nothing to worry about that.
She sat back down and Kyle was immediately called next. He let out a long sigh, grumbling about how he had just gotten comfortable, and slowly slumped up on the stage. He muttered which song he was going to sing, gave Cartman the middle finger when he immediately started booing him, then started singing "Dancing through Life" from Wicked. Stan was kind of surprised with how beautiful Kyle's voice was, and he was surprised that his friend didn't sing more often.
"Mm-kay," Mr. Mackey said eventually after several more auditions including Firkle, Mark, and Kenny's sister Karen (who Kenny just realized was there). "Last but not least we have Heidi Turner. Get on up there, Heidi!"
Heidi let out a squeal of delight and quickly ran up on stage, only barely remembering to hand Tweek her music. She turned towards the audience of classmates and gave them a smile.
"I'm Heidi Turner, and I'll be singing 'This Place is Mine,' from Phantom!" she announced. Then everyone sat in shock as a powerful, opera-like voice came out of the small, skinny girl who had never done the musical before. Her classmates were on the edge of their seats as she belted out the last few notes of her song, and immediately broke out into applause when she was done.
"Mm-kay people, thank you all for your auditions," Mr. Mackey said once Heidi had sat down and he had taken her place on stage. "Now I want everyone back on stage, mm-kay. Mr. Adler here is going to teach you how to ballroom dance for the musical."
Most of the guys let out annoyed groans and everyone slowly started making their way back on to the stage. Pete and Firkle slowly stood to follow their classmates, before realizing that Hennrietta wasn't following and turned around to face her. She had not moved from her seat and was looking quite relaxed.
"Aren't you going to join us?" Pete asked her, confused. Hennrietta gave him a strange, wide-eyed look.
"Oh, didn't I tell you?" she replied. "I'm not auditioning for the musical! I'm in the orchestra!" Pete and Firkle's mouths dropped open as they gaped at her. Her face broke out into an evil grin as she stood up. "Have fun, suckers!" she called to her friends. Then she promptly and quickly turned and left before either of the two of them could even react.
Well, I'm just going to finish this chapter right here, because I think it's long enough for a first chapter. It's the longest first chapter I've written in a while, actually. Next time, we'll see who's going to be playing which role, and how everyone will react. I haven't seen the musical in a long time, so a lot of what I write about the musical will be from Wikipedia and the official Broadway CD recording.
Anybody want to guess which part everyone will be playing? Does anybody even know who the characters are? Well, we'll find out, won't we? Stay frosty, everyone!