Lance doesn't know why he's here.
Something familiar plays within the scene he watches. What he sees is like a distant memory. It is close, so close, and when he reaches out he touches warm skin. Allura, in her confusion, knows not why Lance touches her without invitation. She stares at him with as if he were an oddity and he can't blame her. What he did was not something one could consider polite but she was Allura. And damn it all when he saw that she looked so much like her father. He remembers him even to this day, as clear as the water that he splashes into his face before he looks into the mirror later that evening. He remembers the way the man slaps his back, the phantom touch still lingering on his shoulder blade, and how he would grin after telling him that he did a good job. It was a rare occurrence for the king to personally congratulate him for a successful mission, for the man was far too busy with the affairs of his kingdom, but Lance wouldn't lie when he said that it twisted his heart inside out when the king made time for the paladins of Voltron.
"King Alfor. If you could see her now." He whispers to himself but even though he thinks of Allura, he does not see her. All he sees is a stranger and marks that lay underneath his eyes. It is a defining attribute of his race, of his people, and now he conceals them. Perhaps, not a wise choice, seeing as how the princess mourns over her people. The first thing she needed was comfort and Lance was determined to give her just that. Except, he doesn't do it in an obvious way. Anyone else would throw their arms open, embrace, and assure that their kingdom was not a failing one. The castle was still here, was it not? Besides, could he truly be worthy to comfort the princess when he had abandoned his king? Granted the man had all but forced him into the blue lion, sending him off on a mission Lance knew would never be completed, but Lance could feel nothing but a sense of failure.
His king is dead.
His friends? Gone.
Yet, the princess lives, and so does Coran.
They are testaments of hope.
Lance thinks that they are better off not knowing that he was still there. He was determined to serve his princess to his death, she had his undying loyalty, but he does not think that his loyalty requires an admittance to his apparent years of survival. She would hardly remember him anyways. He rarely saw the princess in his days as a paladin. The only times he would see her were times of ceremony or on personal errands. He doubted that she would remember him. He wasn't close to her.
Yet he deludes himself in his train of thought.
He remembers a young princess, nervously twiddling her fingers, and shuffling on her feet. She stares at him with an admiration not deserved and he gives her a hesitant smile. He remembers wondering how on earth King Alfor had managed to be as tough as steel against her 'cute attacks' while Lance fell for them instantly. He could not say no. That's why, once a dark dreary night, he had let her drag him off to explore for ghosts. He still remembers her hand clenching tightly around a few of his fingers. Her hands had been so small then. She was obviously much more different now.
Coran is the one who shows suspicion.
Lance finds himself skidding corners with the man.
He observes Lance. He sees the way he fights. He notices habits that Lance had thought he had long gotten rid of in his guise as a human. Lance finds himself watching his own actions carefully so that he does not give himself away. Coran could be suspicious all he wanted. Lance would not fall. Lance would not shake. Sure, the man knew something was off about Lance, but there was no way he could determine that he was the long-lost blue paladin. From the way Coran put it, the blue paladin disappeared after being sent on a mission from the king and was assumed to be dead. The blue lion had returned without a paladin. The worst could only be guessed. That's all he said of Lance though. Both he and Allura did not talk much of the paladins of old. Lance doesn't blame them. He sees the pain in their eyes when they do.
There were the paladins of the old and then the paladins of the new.
Somewhere deep down, Lance knew his old friends could never be replaced, but that didn't mean he couldn't make new friends. When he jokes around with the other paladins he feels giddy and lighter. For a moment he forgets everything. For a moment, he isn't old, and ancient. He's just Lance and there is no blue paladin. Suddenly, he holds no obligations to protect royalty and the entire universe. Not until he picks up the helmet that he been crafted for him, centuries ago, and brings it over his head.
His friends do not notice his change in behavior once he is in his lion.
Everyone is equally serious when they fight together especially in life-threatening circumstances. The only time they show their frustration is when they display a lack of teamwork, which is too often for Lance's personal comfort, or for a jab and unnecessary insult. Lance does not participate in the hurl of negative comments or whines. There was a time when he used to. There was a time, where he was the youngest of the paladins and would complain every twist and turn. His naivety was something he had grown out of long ago.
Finally, Hunk notices how strange Lance's behavior is.
It's a wake-up call for Lance.
Coran's wariness of Lance was an expected outcome of his actions. Hunk, however, was just a human. To think that he was as astute as to notice something off about him was, quite frankly, impressive.
Hunk, however, ultimately misinterprets everything.
"I get it. A whole, calculating and silent persona right? I'm guessing Allura?"
"Huh?"
When Hunk approaches him, Lance is sitting with his helmet propped up against his lap, and a rag in his hand. He cleans the helmet that has stood throughout time and that has protected his head more times than he can count. He stops momentarily when Hunk speaks up though. It takes a moment for Lance to gather Hunk's misconception that he had a crush on Allura. Perhaps had he been younger, the idea wouldn't be too far-fetched, but he was her senior. He remembered her with a fondness a brother would hold for a sister. When he looked at her, all he saw was the worried little girl that had tugged at his sleeve asking when her father would come home from his diplomatic trips.
"You've got a thing for her," Hunk says.
Lance shakes his head.
"No. No. It's nothing like that."
Hunk is silent as he observes Lance.
Lance shifts in his seat under Hunk's stare.
"Then what is it?" Hunk asks.
Lance blinks owlishly.
"What's what?"
"Why are you… I don't know… ugh… how do I say it?" Hunk brings a hand to stroke his chin, "That attitude of yours. It completely changes when we go out on missions!"
"Is that so strange?" Lance asks, even though he knows the answer. He says this as a way of deflection.
"I mean, it wouldn't be, but it's you. Is something bothering you?"
Lance snorts.
Was something bothering him?
Hunk probably wouldn't like the answer.
No one would, actually.
"No." He says. "Just home-sick."
It's not a lie.
Hunk's face adopts an expression of sympathy. He regards Lance with gentle eyes before settling himself next to him.
"Me too." Hunk tells him.
While Lance appreciated Hunk's presence and well-meaning words… he doubted he could ever comprehend the utter and complete guilt that he suffered on a daily basis. It was an extremely overwhelming bundle of feelings that weighed him down every day. Sometimes he contemplates why he even continues because how could he possibly be worthy to be the blue paladin? How could he be worthy to have these wonderful people as his friends? The only thing that drives him is the need to protect them and the need to fulfill King Alfor's last words to him.
Find Allura. Keep her safe.
Hunk spends the rest of his day in Lance's company. Lance feels lonely when the man gets up to go to bed, suggesting Lance do the same, but the blue paladin waves his hand in dismissal. How could he get any sleep anyways? The nightmares he has plague him every night. He always wakes up in a cold-sweat and his jaw aching because of how tightly he grits his teeth in his sleep.
Coran finds him.
"So there's something I can't quite figure out." The man tells him. "You're familiar and I can't put my finger on it. Have we met before?"
"I doubt it," Lance replies smoothly. His helmet is now on the ground near the heel of his foot and he is careful not to kick it. Coran stares at him with his eyebrows bunched together in a clear state of contemplation. "But it is a small universe. Do I remind you of someone you've met before?"
"Well… actually…" Coran taps his chin thoughtfully, "Now that you mention it… you look eerily similar to a friend I had."
"A friend?"
"Hmmm… yes." Coran admits. "Now that I think about it, you share his features quite closely."
Lance feels his stomach flip.
Keep it cool.
Distract him.
"What was he like?" Lance questions.
"Now that's a question!" Coran laughs. "I'll tell you, he was quite the jokester! Couldn't keep his mouth shut for a minute!"
Lance's eyebrow twitches.
"Couldn't get the man to be serious about anything. It left a lot to be desired in his performance as a paladin."
Lance prevented himself from biting his bottom lip.
"He was a paladin?" He feigns ignorance.
"Yes," Coran answers plainly. "One of the best. I fear I may have been too harsh on him sometimes. His heart was always in the right place. I… regret that I don't know what happened to him."
"I'm sorry," Lance says quietly, though it is for a different reason than Coran might think.
"Well, it's all in the past now. I must say though…!" Coran visibly brightens. "I don't think it'd be too far-fetched if you were related in some way!"
Lance shakes his head, quick to disregard the idea.
"No way! I've been on Earth my entire life! My mom and dad are both humans, I assure you."
"Well, if you insist, I suppose I must believe it." Coran laughs good-naturedly.
Lance, for a moment, forgets himself, and the corners of his lips twitch upward.
Thanks, Coran.
.
Shiro finds out first.
When Shiro is tossed into water with a literal weight weighing him down, Lance is quick to take action. His enemies are apprehended by the other paladins as he submerges himself into the water. His weapon is in hand, ready to cut the chains that make Shiro sink like a rock, and his legs kick furiously. He doesn't pay attention to how the make-up on his cheeks fades. Had he brought his helmet with him, things might have been different, but instead, he did no such thing.
Shiro stares as Lance cuts him from the life-threatening chains. He grabs Shiro by the wrist and helps him swim upward. Lance is very good at swimming. It's one of the things he's confident in. That's why he is unwavering as he pulls Shiro to the shore. They both gasp for breath, Shiro taking a heavier toll on the intake of air than Lance, but Lance is quick to get on his feet.
The words he hears next are confusing.
"Why didn't you tell anyone?"
Lance doesn't know what he's referring to. He can't see the same marks that are now visible near his eyes, in clear vision of Shiro's watchful gaze
"What do you mean?" Lance asks.
"You…" Shiro trails off, the look of betrayal on his face says it all.
Lance's hands tentatively reach upward.
He panics.
"Shiro." He crouches low to the ground next to his friend. "You cannot tell anyone about this."
"You want me to keep it a secret?" Shiro's shock is clear as day.
"Look. I know it seems trivial but it's very important that this stay a secret."
Shiro is indecisive as he searches Lance's eyes.
"I will. Only if you tell me."
Lance sighs out of relief.
"Okay, but later."
In the following two days, Lance does exactly what he promises. He tells Shiro much but he leaves out a few things. He forgets to mention how he was the previous blue paladin and how he swore to serve Allura to his dying days. He forgets to mention how much he mourns and broods over the loss of a people. The loss of his friends. The loss of himself. Regardless of the few things he forgot, he tells Shiro a partial truth on what happened to him after the blue lion spit him on Earth. He does not tell him that he was cursed with looking the same age for years, nor does he inform him that he's probably outlived many of his human friends, but he thinks that Shiro can probably put the pieces together.
Shiro listens.
The only thing he offers is the following words.
"I'm sorry."
Lance doesn't notice the tears, but when he does, it's too late.
Shiro crouches and crushes Lance to his chest.
Lance never knew how much he needed affection. He is almost too eager to return the hug, embarrassingly so, but Shiro doesn't say anything.
Lance thinks the black lion chose well.
He couldn't think anyone more worthy to lead Voltron.
.
Shiro becomes more understanding of Lance's behavior. Before long, the two form their own wavelength, and the other paladins pick up on it immediately. Shiro and Lance work well together, strangely so, in so much that it causes the other paladins to mumble in curiosity. Their teamwork improves immensely and Shiro understands Lance's concerns before he even presents them. In turn, Lance takes Shiro's suggestions into careful consideration, and he begins to value his opinion even more so than before. In the first few testy stages of their friendship, Lance had always been the second voice when Shiro presented a plan, often skeptical of the things that could happen. Lance can admit that this was because he was a bit paranoid about everything they did as a team. With his growing bond with Shiro, however, he felt a lot more at ease.
Mind you, that didn't stop him from bringing up topics necessary for the other paladins to considers. Missions would always have their dangerous points and he wasn't going to be silent when telling them what they needed to watch out for. While the other paladins don't think much of it, Shiro comes to understand that Lance speaks from experience, so the leader of the Voltron gang starts coming to Lance for advice when his plans get rocky.
Their friendship is strange but Lance doesn't dislike it.
Lance feels better.
A lot better.
It felt good to tell someone about some of the problems he had even if they weren't completely based on whole truths. He hates concealing half of his history from Shiro but he knows it's for an ultimate good. Shiro had more important things to worry about. Besides, he already knew enough, and far more than the other paladins.
Wasn't that good enough?
Lance was unsure how to answer that question.
.
The second who finds out is Princess Allura.
Coran confides in her on his suspicions of Lance. Once she hears the results of his observations she began to search through her drawers for a picture she knew she had in safe-keeping. Coran had sparked a few interesting ideas about Lance and one of them was that he looked very similar to the old blue paladin. Once he pointed that out, Allura couldn't help but agree, and she began to examine Lance a lot more closely. She could see the striking familiar features he wore and she would be stupid to ignore the way he looked at her. At first, she thought it was a misplaced adoration for her, one that stemmed from the romantic sides of a human heart, but then she began to understand that it was something else.
When she finds what she's looking for in her drawer, she clutches the picture in her hands as if it were her lifeline.
It was a picture of the paladins.
It was taken on her birthday. They had all grouped together, with her in front, and the grins they displayed was enough to make Allura slightly teary. Then, sure enough, she finds what she's looking for. The man crouching beside her had a silly lopsided grin and the blue armor of the paladin on. His name was something different back then. It was of Altean origin. Vadil. She recalls him clearly. When she had troubles, she would always go to him, since he was the most compassionate of the paladins. He always had time for her. As a little girl, she had been desperate for attention, and Vadil would always give it to her. He would listen to the ramblings of a silly little girl and take them seriously. It might not have meant as much to her right now but as a little girl… having someone listen to her worries had been the most important thing to her.
When she heard Vadil was dead, she was heart-broken.
She had grieved for several days. The other paladins consoled her but it wasn't the same.
Lance was identical to Vadil.
Lance didn't smile as genuinely, not as often as Vadil, but there was those hint of familiar traits that helped Allura put the pieces together. Lance loved joking around. Lance was the blue paladin. The blue lion chose him. Vadil, in contrast to Lance, had sharpened ears and the defining attributes of an Altean near his eyes. Allura does not throw away the idea that, somehow, Lance has come to suppress those features of his.
Hope springs in Allura's chest when she is confronted with the simple prospect that Lance is indeed Vadil. Alive. Breathing. Well.
She smiles. Beams. If she were indeed correct that would mean… that would mean that Lance was…!
Her smile falls.
"What… What happened to you Vadil?" She asks herself. She strokes the picture in her hand in her thoughts. If Lance was the same person… well… he had changed significantly. He wasn't the same carefree happy-go-lucky man. He was much more serious and… and… secretive.
Allura mulls over the changes of the blue paladin. She wanders the castle's halls with little direction on where she's going. It's pointless. She paces until she bumps into the man who was the origin of her mulling.
"Lance!" She cries out in surprise.
"You should watch where you're going, princess."
Allura watches the man look at her, worry laced in his expression, and she decides to test her theory.
"This has happened before, hasn't it?"
Lance blinks.
"Has it?"
"Yes. Remember? When I was running around - trying to run from my father - I bumped straight into you! I was the clumsiest little girl!"
It has the opposite effect she predicted.
Lance's face is blank.
"I… don't…?" Lance trails off. "What are you talking about?"
Allura straightens herself and raises her chin.
She was even more sure he was Vadil now.
"Lance." She calls him. "You are the worst person in this universe."
Lance is taken-aback. It's evident in the way he flinches back as if he was hit by something unseen to the naked eye.
"I thought you were dead. I was in agony over your supposed 'death.' You are a terrible, horrible, person. I hate you." Allura becomes more passionate than originally intended. "I hate you, you and your stupid handsome smile, how could you hurt me so? And then you were here this entire time. You were right next to me and you didn't say anything!"
Realizing this made Allura even angrier.
"You…!" She clenches a fist as her blood boils but when she looks at Lance again, her fury evaporates as if it had never been there. Instead, she feels nothing but grief for her friend. "How long have you been suffering alone?"
Lance stands there, dumb-struck, and Allura takes charge.
She gently embraces him.
"Vadil." She sobs into his shoulder, tears leaking out without command, "You horrible, terrible man."
Lance's arms shake as he raises them to return her embrace.
She pretends not to notice.
Instead, she feels pure relief when he relaxes in her hold and when he hugs her to the point that she feels her ribs will burst, and Allura knows that this is his answer.
Allura fears she may never let him go ever again.
"I'm sorry." He gasps.
She shakes her head.
"You could do nothing." She shutters when another sob wracks her frame.
They stay there for what seems like an eternity.
.
"What if he reacts badly…?"
"He's your friend, Lance. If anything - he will be overjoyed."
"Or he'll insult me. Like you." Lance's shoulders slump at the thought.
Allura gives a shaky laugh. "I was an emotional mess. Okay?" She puts a gentle hand on her friend's shoulder. She gives him a reassuring smile, hoping that it'll be enough for him to gather his wits, and Lance does his best to return her smile. It's not the fond smile she remembers but it's something. It's progress. She knows that the Lance she was looking at right now was a lot different than the one in her memories but she would work with him. If anything, she wanted him to return to his old self, and live again instead of merely surviving.
But he changed.
She knew that.
She knew that he would never return to who he once was.
People change.
Lance changed.
"Imagine the shock he'll have." She giggles, tossing her thoughts in the trash. Now was not that time to miss what was in front of her. Certainly, Lance was different, but he was still the same person. That's all that mattered to her.
Lance takes a deep breath.
"Okay. You'll be with me?"
Allura nods.
"Of course."
Lance nods too and approaches Coran who stands in the kitchen in pondering.
Lance coughs.
He has Coran's attention instantly.
"Oh! Lance! Would that you have been here sooner. You see I have the most interesting theory that-..."
"Before you run off in a tangent…" Lance interrupts, "I have something I want to tell you."
Allura observes how Lance shifts on his legs, just like she did when she was a little girl.
Her smile is hard to hide.
"Hmm? What is it?"
Lance takes another deep breath.
"Coran… I… well…"
When Lance clearly cannot speak for himself in his hesitance, he looks back at Allura who gives him another reassuring smile. He turns his gaze back to Coran before looking down at his feet. Lance could not bear to share eye-contact with his long lost friend.
"I'm… It's me. I'm him."
Coran tilts his head slightly.
"Pardon me?" He questions.
Lance sighs.
"Vadil." He points to himself. "Me. That's me."
Coran blinks in confusion before turning to look at Allura for confirmation.
He is beyond baffled when she nods.
"You - I… huh? I mean, I knew something was different about you, but… I…" Coran can barely piece his words together. Lance is more interested in the floor at the moment. That's why he's obviously surprised when he's pulled into a bone-crushing embrace. He's stiff as Coran takes the air away from his lungs, squeezing the living daylights out of him, and he gasps.
"Can't. Breathe."
Coran's hold lightens.
"Sorry old chum. It's just… wow!" Coran pulls back with the biggest goofy smile that either Lance or Allura had ever seen. "You…? This is wonderful! I… wait… but… what happened?"
Lance immediately looks ashamed.
Allura, just as Coran, would like to know that too.
"I guess I have to tell you guys, huh?"
He tells them everything.
.
The other paladins face a conundrum.
There's obviously something going in the castle. Pidge, Hunk, and Keith are painfully aware of this. It all surrounds Lance somehow. Shiro, Allura, and Coran act different around him. The way Allura looked at him with a bit of admiration was shocking and Coran… Coran acted like Lance was his best friend. The man was always looking for Lance during their free-time. It was hard to see them apart. Even Lance was showing a bit of discomfort in the constant presence that Coran provided him with.
Shiro says nothing even when Keith asks him what's going on. He just gives him a small knowing smile before turning away to his combat training.
Eventually, Lance confronts all three of them together.
Lance looks like he's bracing himself when he faces them all. It looked as if he was a man put on trial, with the sort of worried expressions he was making for them.
Finally, he reaches up to his face and rubs his eyes furiously.
Keith knows those markings.
Pidge is the first to react.
"What!?" She cries out.
Hunk is next.
"Wait a second are you saying you aren't… human?"
Finally, Keith.
"What's going on?"
Because he has no idea.
"I've kept this secret from you guys. I thought it'd be better if you didn't know. I just… now that you do know… I don't want you to think differently of me."
Everyone is silent. Shiro leans against a wall nearby the gang, eyes closed in patience for their awaited reaction, while Allura and Coran evaluated the gang as a whole.
Hunk breaks the ice.
He charges forward and Lance isn't prepared at all. He grabs his head and stuffs it under his arm. With his knuckles, he gives Lance the most painful noogie of his lifetime.
"What are you even worrying about? Sheesh, sometimes you're hopeless!"
Lance yelps in pain as his hands fly up to his head.
"Stoppppp," he begs but there's a smile on his face. It's hard not to see.
Keith then scoffs, "Should've guessed you were an Altean. You're stubborn just like the princess."
Lance looks at Keith warmly before Pidge pips in, "Well, I'll admit this is surprising, but you're still the same Lance we know and love… right?"
They all look at Lance.
Lance can't believe how lucky he is to be in this family.
He misses a lot. He really does. There was so much he regrets. So much he wished he could go back in time to fix. Nevertheless, now he was here, and there was no changing that.
"Yeah." He answers contently. "I'm still Lance."
Goodbye, Vadil.