A/N: O.O...
Tapping the side of the cardboard box, Omaeda coaxed, "C'mon...please come out. I won't hurt you..."
"NO!" squeaked a small voice from inside, "YOU'RE BIG, SCARY AND MEAN! YOU YELLED AT ME!"
"I...I said I was sorry! It was an accident! Really! I mean, you ate my fried rice crackers, though, and to me that's like a national A-level crime you just committed and...you know!" Omaeda cried, waving his hands about.
"I DON'T CARE! YOU'RE JUST...YOU'RE JUST AN UGLY FAT POOPIE-PANTS!"
"...Argh!!! She got me!"
Walking up to the disgruntled vice-captain, Ikkaku and Renji watched this odd spectacle for a moment. Then, Ikkaku spoke up and joked, "Oi, Omaeda...what seems to be the problem? Talkin' to yourself again? Or are you hitting on little girls hiding under boxes now?"
Omaeda sighed and shook his head. "No. Taichou's hiding under this box and I can't get her to come out..."
"H-Huh? You mean...Soifon's under there? But...isn't that box a little too SMALL to cover up someone like her?" Renji asked.
"Well..." Omaeda began, but then Soifon herself popped out of the box. She was much smaller than either Renji or Ikkaku remembered...much, much smaller. In fact, you could say she was now a cute little chibi version of herself. She was actually quite adorable, really. As the tiny captain of 2nd Division stared up at them with big wide eyes, Renji found himself blushing slightly for some reason.
"HEY, CAN YOU TWO PROTECT ME FROM THIS SCARY MEANIE?!" Soifon exclaimed, her voice more high-pitched and less sophisticated than before.
"I AM NOT A SCARY MEANIE, DAMMIT!" Omaeda snapped, causing Soifon to shriek and jump back underneath the cardboard box again.
Trying to regain his composure from what he had just witnessed, Ikkaku asked, "How...how the hell did she end up like THIS?!!"
Omaeda glanced at the box and the frightened little girl it contained and he sighed again. "You can blame Mayuri Kurotsuchi for this. Apparently, he switched my usual bag of beloved rice crackers with another bag that he had sprayed the crackers with some new formula he was working on; he planned on using ME as his GUINEA PIG...AND WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE, TOO! Somehow, Soifon ended up eating some of the crackers, and thus...she ended up like this. Mayuri told me he'll have an antidote finished in the next 24 hours, but I doubt he's even working on it right now...this royally sucks..."
"Hmm...why don't you just take advantage of this opportunity and have a break?" Renji suggested after a moment of thought, "You're always complaining about how she works you to the bone all the time...besides, considering what a lazy-ass bastard you are, you would probably run off the second you had the chance, anyway..."
"I suppose I would," Omaeda admitted with a nod, "But...but I can't just leave Taichou like this. I mean, with the mindset of a young girl, she could easily get herself hurt...or worse! It's up to me to protect her until the antidote is complete!"
Ikkaku was impressed. "Wow! I never thought you had it in you to actually be responsible, tubby..."
"Thanks...HEY! DON'T CALL ME TUBBY, YOU BASTARD!"
Poking her head out of the box, Soifon whimpered, "...I don't like this place...I wanna be with Yoruichi-mama..."
"WELL, YOU CAN'T! SO STOP WHINING!" Omaeda snapped.
"Hey, man, you can't talk to a child like that! You need to be calm, patient and understanding! If you treat them like trash, then you'll make them feel like their trash, and then they'll start crying, and we'll have to call the police on you!" Renji shouted at Omaeda furiously.
"WELL, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!" Omaeda cried, "IT'S NOT LIKE I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF CHILDREN!"
Although it was obviously apparent that Omaeda had no experience whatsoever in dealing with young and energetic children, Ikkaku and Renji both knew someone who did...
"...Uh, hello..." Omaeda said nervously, holding up his palm in a wave.
Kenpachi Zaraki let out a grunt, and Yachiru happily waving back at the 2nd-Division Vice-Captain while sucking on a lollipop.
"...What do you want?" Kenpachi snarled.
Omaeda let out a shriek, but quickly regained his composure. He then grabbed little Soifon by the side,s held her up to Kenpachi's face, and said, "I need help learning how to take care of...this."
Kenpachi was so surprised by what he was seeing he had to lift up his eyepatch just to make sure he wasn't actually going blind. "Oh...oh my god...don't...don't tell me...you..."
"...Huh?"
"YOU...YOU AND SOIFON HAD A CHILD?!!" Kenpachi cried in horror.
"HOLY CRAP NO! THIS IS SOIFON!" Omaeda replied, although now he was rather interested in what a child birthed from a relationship between him and Soifon-taichou would actually look like...
After explaining the whole situation to Kenpachi, the spiky-haired, eyepatch-wearing scoundrel seemed to understand Omaeda's dilemma.
"So...you need to take care of little Soifon for 24 hours until the antidote is finished, but you have no idea how to take care of children...that's the gist of it?"
"Yes! Yes! That's it exactly! Please help me, wonderful ogre of the cosmos!"
Ignoring that weird new nickname he's been given, Kenpachi stood up and nodded. "Fine, I'll help ya...but I have a question first."
"W-What could it be?"
"Tell me...did you get rid of those fried rice crackers with the chemical after Soifon transformed?"
Omaeda thought about it. He thought about it for so logn, Kenpachi had to smack him across the face. "C'MON, TELL ME THE GODDAMN ANSWER!"
Suddenly, a tiny Momo Hinamori ran by, followed by an even smaller Toshiro Hitsugaya, and finally a very young Rangiku Matsumoto, who appeared to actually be very drunk.
"I...I guess not."
"IDIOT!!!"