Disclaimer: The Mass Effect universe and everything in it do not belong to me.
She believes in him, that's the only thing that keeps her holding on. Memories float around her like dreams in the night and she finds herself running back to them, revelling in the feeling of her delusions but knowing that she'd have to come back to reality. Although she's been dead two years, it feels like yesterday, the memory that she holds on to. A single moment before she was snatched from her world. Seeing him one last time, feeling that quiet strength that kept her going in the moments when she felt like it would end, knowing that once she let go of his arm that he would carry out her orders. She didn't regret her decision although Lord knows that sometimes she thought about it, what it would have been like to just leave Joker behind and just have lived. She would have never forgiven herself though.
It was in the quiet moments that she found herself back on the SR-1. The new Normandy was just an imitation of her former life, a ruse to get her to believe Cerberus and the mission they had sent her on. She would save the galaxy because that was her job and no one else was willing. She'd never complain about it, the universe already had too many whingers and it was too self-indulgent to give in (plus she had to deal with Jack down in the hold, and that was enough). Horizon completely undid it though, brought everything that she had pushed aside and deep down back up to the surface. She had never been particularly emotive in front of her crew; she couldn't have them following someone that broke down when the tough decisions had been made. Seeing him there – in front of her – it felt like her past, present and future had suddenly crashed together.
She couldn't help herself though; the relief of seeing him safe and alive messed with her sense. Just being in his arms again made time stop and for a moment she was back on the Normandy, flames and smoke around her as she hung onto him. It was over too quickly and she found him accusing her of betrayal. Put the colonists first, pretend that what he's saying doesn't mean a thing, you're Commander Shepard, and so act like it. Then he leaves and takes what's left of her heart with him. She writes terrible poetry for a while afterwards about it, figures that it's better than throwing herself out the nearest airlock like some lovelorn teenager. The crew tip toes around her even more by that stage but Shepard doesn't really care. She's lost too much already and she's still the only one that can save the damn galaxy.
He emails her, brings up Ilos and Virmire and all those things that she locked away. Kelly gives her a side-ways look and Shepard knows that she's been reading her mail. Again. She smiles and puts her big girl boots on, marching through the faux-Normandy to go and deal with other people's emotional issues, Lord knows that she's been looking forward to smacking around a few people and calling it a night. She makes sure to check that her cabin is locked though, she could never be too sure if someone had been going through her data pads, she could have sworn that her picture of him had moved. No one will admit it to her though but she can tell.
Then it's through the Omega 4 relay and to certain destruction. They're prepared for it though; Shepard is nothing if not thorough. She wouldn't be able to handle the grief of losing another crew and they deserve to have a rest. She figures the universe already snatched her away once, surely it would grant her amnesty this time. She gives his picture one last look, closing her eyes to delude her brain into imagining that he was there, just out of her reach with some wry comment about how she never lets her hair down and if she's not careful he'll get Chakwas to order her medical leave, ma'am. She opens her eyes and looks wistfully at the image, her fingers tracing over his outline. He was such an idiot sometimes that she couldn't help but love him.
She still believes in him, and that's the only thing that keeps her holding on. She can't hear anything over the sounds of the gunfire and the adrenaline roaring through her ears. Her heart is in her throat as she wades further into the lion's den, her armour splattered with blood and sweat and things she doesn't even want to know about. Her world shakes and crumbles around her as she keeps fighting and ignores the bone shattering weariness that creeps into her. Please, she entreats, please just let me finish this. And she does. The human-reaper explodes and all she can think of as she runs back out, her feet pounding on the ground as she returns to the safety of her ship is that she's earned her rest. She's cast off the shackles that the Illusive Man placed on her and everything can just stop.
"Haven't you ever considered going on shore leave?"
She looks up at Kaidan, her brows furrowed as she peers at him over the top of her data pad. He's watching her from the opposite side of the desk with that scrutinizing expression on his face that she's dubbed 'The Alenko #7'. His own data pads are resting near his hands which are folded neatly over each other as he waits for her answer. She rolls her eyes internally and wonders if he realises what a stick in the mud he looks like but she pinches her nose between two fingers and sighs.
"I can take shore leave when I die. The galaxy doesn't want to save itself and the Council has shoved enough paperwork down my throat to floor a krogan."
"Shepard…"
"… Alenko."
They look at each other and she can feel a smile starting to creep on her face. He's got 'The Alenko #12' on his face and he knows he's won. He reaches over and pulls the data pad from her hands and she releases it willingly, pulling his free hand into hers as she stands up and closes the distance between them. She rests her head on his chest and sighs into the fabric.
"You know these moments won't last forever, right?"
"That doesn't mean that we shouldn't take them. You only live once Shepard."
If only he had known.