So because I liked doing Lord of the Bombs so much, I decided I would give the same TF2 treatment to The Hobbit and by that I mean the unnecessary film trilogy. Now I'm personally not a big fan of The Hobbit movies, but they weren't bad either. So I'm hoping that my version will be at least somewhat less like I'm trying to cash in on something already popular and doing my own thing. Hope you enjoy!
Chapter 1: An Unexpected Invite
"Yo, Uncle Bobbie! Whatcha writin'?"
A middle-aged Scout looked up from the notebook he was writing in and stared at a much younger Scout that stood across from him.
"None of your business, Freddy," the middle-aged Scout Bobbie responded.
"Is it a book or something?"
"Sort of."
Then in the blink of an eye, Freddy appeared behind Bobbie and saw a title on the cover of the plain black notebook.
"'Here and There: A Scout's Story by Bobbie Billows,'" Freddy read. "So it is a book!"
"Back off!" Bobbie said shrugging Freddy away from him.
"Okay, Uncle, jeez," Freddy said looking surprised. "I was just curious."
"Curiosity got the better of me when I was your age," Bobbie warned as he hid the notebook underneath his shirt. "And it would pain me to see the same thing happen to you."
"Don't worry about that, Uncle. It's not like I'm going away anytime soon."
"And that's why you're my favorite nephew," Bobbie said as he briefly hugged Freddy. "Now, I'm expecting company soon so why don't you run along for a little while?"
"Sure thing!" Freddy said nodding. "See you at the party tonight."
"Take care!" Bobbie replied as Freddy left the shack called Billow-End, which had been Bobbie's home as far back as he could remember. Once Freddy was gone, Bobbie reached into his pocket and took out a wristwatch. He fiddled with a button on the side, which opened a small compartment underneath the watch revealing a small bomb with a light on top of it.
After staring at the bomb for some time, Bobbie retracted the compartment back into the watch which he placed in his pocket once more. Then he stared at the notebook, and then at the door. Shaking his head, Bobbie took a rolled up cigarette from a jar full of them and walked toward the door which he then opened. Outside, many Scouts were walking up and down the street past the alleyway which separated his home from the others. The sky was a crisp blue and there was a chilly wind blowing leaves from the orchard nearby. Leaning against his house, Bobbie lit the cigarette and thought back to a nice summer day in his youth when everything changed for him.
###
"Hallo (Hello), Bobbie Billows!"
Bobbie looked past the smoke he blew from his mouth and saw a tall stranger approaching him. He was wearing a white coat with red gloves and a black wide-brimmed hat. On his back was a strange device that glowed red and in one hand the stranger carried a staff with a golden eagle on top of it.
"Uh, good day to you," Bobbie said, unsure of what to say.
"What do you mean?" The stranger asked. "Are you wishing me a good day or is it a good day in general?"
"I don't follow," Bobbie replied, taking another drag on his cigarette. "I was just saying, 'good day'. Nothing weird about it."
"Ah, I see. Well, you are Bobbie Billows, right?"
"Yeah, what do you want?"
The stranger looked around for a brief moment before he stepped closer. "I am looking for someone to share a Mission with."
"Mission? Of what kind?"
"That is very secret and will involve life-threatening situations."
"Then count me out," Bobbie said as he threw away his cigarette. "We Billows aren't the type to get involved in such things. You might want to try the Tykes down the road or even the Bourbons out by Pancake's orchard."
"Such a pity," the stranger said looking disappointed. "I remember when you used to hunt fireflies as a child every summer evening and chase away mice in the orchards."
It was then that Bobbie took a good look at the stranger's face. "Wait a minute, don't I know you from somewhere?"
"Yes, I visit Harvest every now and then," the stranger said as he bowed low. "My name is Gerald the Red."
"The Wandering Medic?"
"Some have called me that."
"I've heard about you before! You're the one who conjures fireworks from Bombinomicon spell-books and tends to rope Mercenaries into going on crazy Missions!"
"The former I admit, though the latter I would phrase differently."
"But you're still the same guy, right?"
"I suppose."
"Well, um, it was very nice meeting you, Mister Gerald, but I've gotta run! Lots of stuff to do!"
In a flash, Bobbie went back into his shack and hid inside one of the cupboards. He heard Gerald knock a few times, but then he stopped. Then there were scratching sounds followed by retreating footsteps. Thinking that Gerald had left, Bobbie got out of the cupboard and decided to close all the windows and lock the back door just in case.
###
Later that night, when Bobbie was about to have a light supper which consisted of pancakes with a slice of apple pie there was a sudden knock at the front door.
"Odd," Bobbie said as he finished drizzling maple syrup onto the pancakes. "I wasn't expecting anyone at this time."
As the knocks continued, Bobbie got up from his chair and walked across the room to the door. After a brief pause, he opened it. On the other side stood a man who was slightly taller than Bobbie wearing blue overalls, a red shirt underneath, black goggles that obscured his eyes, and he sported a black handlebar mustache. In one hand he carried a large wrench and in the other a red toolbox.
Bobbie eyed the man suspiciously and said, "Can I help you, Engineer?"
"The name's Daran," the man said, and pushed past Bobbie. "I was told to come here."
"By who?" Bobbie asked, closing the door behind him.
"You, sir," Daran responded. "Got anything to eat around here?"
"I was just about to have pancakes," Bobbie said. "If you want, I could make some more."
Just then, more knocks came from the door.
"What the heck?" Bobbie wondered as he opened the door once more.
This time, there was another Engineer who sported a long white beard and big nose.
"Evening, sir, the name's Brian," the second Engineer said.
"Brother!" Daran said, hugging the second Engineer as he walked in. "Haven't seen you in a long time. How are things?"
"Not too bad, Daran," Brian said. "Have the others arrived?"
"Not yet, though this Scout here says he'll be making more pancakes for us."
As the two turned to Bobbie, he closed the door again and went back to the griddle to make another batch. But as soon as he did, several knocks came from it. So reluctantly, he opened it a third time and found two Engineers that looked much younger than the first two. While one sported a short blond beard and mustache, the other had no beard but medium-length dark-brown hair peering from underneath his construction hat.
"Finley," said the Engineer with the blond beard.
"Kinley," responded the Engineer with dark-brown hair.
They both bowed their heads and walked around Bobbie. When Daran saw them, he leaped out of Bobbie's chair and he patted the two on their backs.
"Glad you could make it, boys!" Daran said proudly. "You've gotten so big!"
"Could say the same to you, Daran," Finley said poking Daran in the gut.
Annoyed, Bobbie closed the door once more and started making pancakes for everyone. In the meantime, the Engineers divided Bobbie's pancakes between the four of them. Then just as the next batch was finished, more knocks resounded from the door.
"Aw, jeez," Bobbie said as he stomped toward the door. "This cannot be happening to me."
This time, there were five Engineers standing outside: the first had frizzy white hair, the second had a light brown hair with pointy edges, the third a chestnut brown ponytail and sideburns, the fourth a long grey beard with small braids, and the fifth had an auburn red beard that went down all the way to his chin. Their names were Dylan, Neylan, Olan, Oage, and Gage respectfully and like the previous four they walked past Bobbie after introducing themselves to join the other Engineers. So once again, Bobbie set himself to making more pancakes as well as drinks for the new guests which forced him to visit the pantry once or twice. Then just when Bobbie was starting to consider kicking them out, there were several more knocks coming from the door.
"You'd better answer that, sir," said Kinley.
"I know," Bobbie replied irritably.
When he opened the door, several Engineers came tumbling down and landed on top of each other. Then behind them appeared Gerald.
"Gerald," Bobbie said with surprise. "What're you doing here?"
"Bringing more guests to the party," Gerald said and pointed to each of the Engineers who were getting up from the floor. "The one with the light grey beard is Baize, then that one with the dark brown mustache is Blaze, and the fat one with the ginger mustache is Braze."
"Hey, I've lost a few pounds since we last met," cried Braze in protest.
"Yeah, that's what he says to everybody," Blaze said chuckling.
As he turned, Braze used his stomach to push Blaze forward which almost knocked him off his feet until Baize caught him.
"Better watch your step, boy," Baize said to Blaze and then he glared at Braze. "And you'd better behave yourself in front of Gerald, or he'll smite you!"
Nervously, Braze left Gerald's side and joined the other Engineers.
"There was no need to threaten him like that, Baize," Gerald said. "I never smite anyone."
"Hey, Gerald!" Dylan said holding a coffeepot in his hand. "You should try the coffee! It's simply divine!"
"Sure thing, Dylan," Gerald said and made his way over to Dylan. As he did, he counted each of the Engineers while muttering their names under his breath. "It seems we are missing one."
"He'll be here," Brian said, sipping coffee from a mug he took from one of the cupboards. "I just know it."
Satisfied, Gerald took the cup Dylan offered him when he noticed Bobbie looking flustered.
"Is something wrong, Bobbie?" Gerald asked.
"Can I talk to you outside for a moment?" Bobbie said nodding toward the door.
"Of course," Gerald nodded.
The two stepped outside while the Engineers made use of the griddle to make more pancakes.
"What the hell's going on?" Bobbie shouted once the door was closed. "These Engineers show up uninvited to my house and act like I invited them there!"
"But you did," Gerald said, pointing to a sign carved along the frame of Bobbie's door that said, 'All Pardners Welcome!'.
"Those scratching sounds…" Bobbie realized. "You set me up!"
"What? No!"
"Yeah, you did! Otherwise, these Engineers would not be here."
"They need you, Bobbie, so I had to tell them where you lived."
"Need me? For what?"
"You'll understand once he shows up."
"Who's 'he'?"
Instead of answering, Gerald led Bobbie back into the shack where the Engineers had pulled out several chairs and wooden planks to make a large table where there were mounds of pancakes and other foods which had no doubt been taken from the pantry.
To be continued…