Mentoring had become the worst job in the world by the time I met Annie, possibly as bad as being in the games myself. Watching the kids you're supposed to be helping murdered, starved and facing countless other fates, is more terrible than anyone can describe. These kids are relying on you to keep them in the game, get them sponsors and do anything you can to keep them alive. But you can't. You're just as helpless as they are.
When Annie was reaped and I was asked to mentor that year, it wasn't anything new. I had just given up all hope of rebelling or doing something worthwhile. I was just another sad, lonely, lifeless victor. She was too beautiful to go into the games, too innocent. She wasn't 'mad' then, not that I ever thought she was. She was sweet and smart and caring, too much so to stand any chance in the arena. I knew well enough not to get attached to tributes when there's no hope, but I couldn't help it. There was something in her eyes that drew me to her from the first time we met, something that made me want to protect her with everything I had. Then I got to know her, on the train and the days in the Capitol. She was everything I could ever have wished for, but I knew that I couldn't love her. She didn't have a chance of surviving the games, with her small stature, kind nature and just all around innocence.
The day came when she went into the arena and I couldn't explain anything, I just knew that I had to protect her. Even if not from death, I could protect her from pain. Annie had a few sponsors who were there for her, but I gathered many by using my 'status' as a lover. I never liked it, but I just kept telling myself it was for Annie. Everything went better than expected though; her true intelligence came out in the arena, even though she hid most of the time. I began to let my mind wander, to dream about what I would do if she got out.
When she saw her district partner decapitated, it hurt me to see her. She was in so much pain, I could see her mind going over and over thing but I couldn't to a single thing to stop it. She started sleeping restlessly and sitting around all day, not bothering to eat or drink. I began to see signs of fatigue and dehydration setting in. I sent her sleep syrup, water, and food, anything I could think of to make her better. But she just sat there, in a ditch, staring into space. I wanted to know the things going around in her head, to tell her that it was ok. I knew what the nightmares were like, all victors did, but I could see these were different and much, much worse. I knew the end was coming for her after 3 days, if the thirst didn't kill her soon, someone or something else would. I started to feel her pain, think her thoughts, and dream her dreams. This girl, who I had only known for a few days, had made such an impact on me that it didn't seem possible. I'd never believed in love at first sight, maybe not even love at all. But then I did.
On the 4th day the earthquake came, she still sat there. The ground shaking, trees toppling, animals running around by her feet. Still she didn't move. There was no way I could make her, nothing I could do. Then the dam broke, and she reacted. I saw her face the moment she heard the flow of the water, relief. She was relieved, water was something she knew how to use. She knew how it worked, like everyone in district 4. She saw it coming towards her and when it got there, she just swam. And she won, she won. I don't know what happened next, it all happened so quickly. When I first saw her after the games I knew she was different. She was still herself but she was always on edge, tuning out and staring into space, covering her ears every time the games were spoken about. I tried my best to get her back, I really did. I loved her, and I told her that. I made sure that she knew I'd always be there for her. Eventually I was able to wake her from the constant nightmares and screaming.
Every year when I left to mentor in the Capitol, I worried about her the entire time. What would happen if I did something wrong? Would they take her away or even worse? Was she able to sleep? Was she eating and drinking? Who was taking care of her? I know now that she wasn't ok; she didn't sleep or eat because she was thinking the same things about me. She was dreaming of all the scenes in the area, death. The short time we had together in district 13 was the best of my life, when we were both safe. I wish I had been there to see our son.
Now, I can't protect her. It's like her being in the arena all over again, I can watch but I can't do a thing to protect her. At least she has people who will take care of her, and a government that won't try to kill her. I don't care how mad she is, I don't care that I'm dead, I know that I'll love her forever. I know what people say, 'why would he want the poor mad girl from district 4 when he could have any woman he wanted?' Because, she's my poor, mad girl. Mine.