Way Out West
DISCLAIMER - The characters of Jessie Sammler, Katie Singer, Sarah Grasso, Tadd and Russell are the property of the creators of Once and Again and ABC.
After watching some cheezy spaghetti Western movies and the movie Blazing Saddles, I had to do a Western comedy with Jessie and Katie.
Somewhere in the territory of New Mexico during the latter years of the Wild West (it really doesn't matter where the exact location, they all basically the same.)
"This here folks is Nutty Bushel, New Mexico, where cowboys still carry their gun and women still carry their wooden hand-rollers to smack their husbands with. This is your usual Western town, with saloons, a local church, a small school, some small shops, many outhouses (if you even had the food in any of the restaurants here, you'll know why), a few bath houses, a sushi restaurant (it's the best trust me), a Wal-Mart, and a 7-Eleven. One of the popular saloons here is The Other Way Around saloon. This is the only saloon I know where boys can be girls and girls can be boys, my type of place. Oh you're probably wondering who the narrator of this story is. Well it's me, Jessie James Sammler, and I'm the main character of this story. I can shoot better than Annie Oakley, fight better than John Wayne, sing better than Roy Rogers, and score more girls than Wilt Chamberland! I'm also the sheriff of this town here so if you step out of line here, I'm gonna get your ass!"
"Well my real name is Jessica Elizabeth Sammler, but I think Jessie James
Sammler sounds a lot better. I'm not a native here but I consider this place to be more like home than where I originally came from, Chicago. Ever since I was a kid reading my brother's Dime-back Cowboy novels, I always wanted to be a cowgirl. I enjoyed reading the likes of Wyatt Earp, Billy the Kid, and Clint Eastwood. I wanted to be just like them, I wanted the adventure, the glory, the money and most of all, the chicks! Why are you looking at me strange? What you got a problem with me liking women? I got a double barrel shotgun aiming right at your and I'm not afraid to pull the trigger!"
"Well that's the one thing that is the best and worse about me: I love women! I mean what's not to love about them? They're soft, warm, and easy to cuddle like a teddy bear. They can brighten your day with their smile, they have soft and beautiful hair, their scent drives anybody crazy, their skins are nice and soft, their sensuality is amazing, and their caring and nurturing personality can make anyone melt. I love them all, whether they're short, tall, big, small, fat (well not too fat), skinny, young, old, MILFs, redheads, blonds, brunettes, Blacks, Orientals, Indians, married, non-married, straight, gay, bi, doesn't make a difference to me, as long as they're cute. I'm a real chick magnet; men have to lock their wives in their house when I come to their area. God knows how many married women I've messed with and how many of them told me they're willing to leave their husbands for me!"
"Here I am drinking my whiskey, eating some raw oysters from California, and playing Go Fish (my favorite game) with Spencer Devine who always look good in a red dress, a butch named Michelle who prefers to be called Mitch, and a chimpanzee name Bobo. I also had this beautiful African-American woman sitting on my lap, her name is Yolonda but everybody calls her "Brown Sugar." Her left arm was around my neck while her right hand was holding my right hand and my right arm were wrapped around her body. Anyways I always play a game of Go Fish with a chick next to me or on me."
"I win again! I'm the queen of Go Fish!" As usually I have to boast and brag about my Go Fish skills.
"Thank God that was only a friendly game, if we were betting and I ended up loosing this dress my wife would kill me." Spencer said.
"That's funny, you like to wear your wife's clothes and your wife likes to wear your clothes." Mitch said with her heavy voice tone that tried to imitate a man's voice but it just doesn't quite get it right.
"Well at least he doesn't wear her panties." I said in a humorous matter. We all laughed in the table, even Bobo. However Spencer was also blushing red from the comment I just made. I mean he was red like a cherry.
"Don't tell me you actually…OH MY GOD! I know too much about you now!" I could see the shame on his face but I didn't care at the time, that was so gross!
"Eww, you nasty." Brown Sugar retorted with that sexy soulful South Carolina accent of hers.
"Oooh oooh eeee eeee aahh aahh?" Bobo said to Spencer.
"Yeah, she wears mine as well…" Spencer responded to Bobo, don't ask me how or why but he understands what Bobo is saying. Bobo slapped his right hand on his eyes and shake his head in disbelief. Me, Mitch and Brown Sugar had heard enough, so when just as I and Brown Sugar was about to leave the table this mean hombre came busting through the door, I knew there was going to be trouble ahead because as soon as he entered in the saloon I heard that sound that came from the movie The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, you know the one that goes:
(Whistle part) wah, wah, wah, (whistle part) wah, wah, wah.
"I'm looking for that son-of-a, excuse me, I mean that daughter-of-a-bitch Jessie James Sammler."
I knew very well who it was. It was Black Bart, the quickest six-shooter in town. This guy can take me out in a shoot-out.
"You've been sleeping with my wife last night!" He said with a disgusting sneer on his face.
"How do you know it was me?"
"Because I found your panties in my wife's room you Sappho slut!"
Then he pulled my panties from his pocket for everyone to see. It was a pink silk one with my initials on it, I got it as a gift from his wife who makes ladies undergarment for a living. Shit, I was hurrying to leave the place when I heard him coming in the house.
"Bitch, you a hoe!" Brown Sugar said to me spitefully. Like she can talk, she's just as bad as me.
"Excuse me girl? You sleep around with other women too, and you're married to a man!"
"At least they're not married." She responded, like she thinks that really holds water.
"No, but you are! Your husband has threatened you many times because you sleep with other women." I can't really tell you what he actually says to her since it's rather racially offensive, her husband is white by the way. And then our argument escalated. It looked like it was gonna turn into a ghetto brawl worthy of a Jerry Springer show but then Black Bart interrupted.
"Will you two Sappho sluts shut the hell up?!" That quickly brought that attention back to him. "You have just slept with every man's wife who is under 55 in this town. I'm gonna put an end to this, you home-wrecking homo!"
With that comment, I immediately pull out my gun, knowing that a showdown was gonna take place. However he ran into some problems…
"Wait a minute hold on… I think I left my bullets at home."
I can't believe this. He's challenging me to a showdown and yet he forgot to load his gun? "She's right, you are a dumb-ass." I said to myself, however I wasn't aware that I said it loud enough for him to hear it.
"What did you just say?"
"Nothing, nothing!" I said with a small amount of panic.
However while he was looking for his bullets, he found two pieces of licorices. Those licorices are the most bitter and saltiest licorices in the world. He then proposes another duel to me: "I challenge you to a duel to see who can eat these licorices without any problems. We each take a bite at the same time and keep on taking bites until one of us passes out, vomits, chokes, or anything like that. Are you with me so far?"
"Oh yeah!" Little did he know those were my favorite licorice.
"Now if I win the duel, then you will give up your sheriff's badge to me and you can never come back to this town. In fact you should leave this country and move to the Island of Lesbos so you can be with the rest of your pussy eating friends!"
I was ready to knock him out when he made that comment but something even better came into my mind: "And if I win, then me and your wife are gonna have a three-week getaway trip to San Francisco, France, and Greece where we can do whatever we like and you're gonna pay for the trip! And yes, the Island of Lesbos will be one of the places we'll be visiting." I said followed with a smirk.
When he heard that, you could have seen the shock and surprise in his eyes. For a while he turned a bit stiff, having a bit trouble letting my end of the deal sink in but he soon collected his thoughts.
"OK Ellen."
"It's Jessie!"
"Yeah whatever. I accept your deal."
So we shake hands to finalize the deal and he gave me one of the licorices.
"Okay when I say begin we will both take one bite of the licorice and chew until we both swallow our pieces. Only after we both swallow our pieces then we can bite another piece. Do you have any problems with what I just said?"
"No, none whatsoever, except one little thing." I knew he might have some trick behind his sleeves so I have to put in one little stipulation.
"What is it?"
"You must chew the piece for no less than 10 seconds." I said while looking at him right at his eyes. When I said that I saw the fright in his eyes, it was like that of a little child. The rest of his face tried to hide it but his eyes gave it away.
He tried to look strong and poised when he responded back to my stipulation. "OK I will agree to that," however there was some trepidation in his voice which didn't so well to mask his fright.
"Okay then let's begin." He said.
So the duel begins and we both bit a piece off of our licorice. The bar lady was keeping count of our chewing. He chewed and swallowed his piece but had a little bit of a struggle near the end of the 10 seconds. I showed no sign of struggle chewing my piece since the taste didn't bother me, in fact I really liked it! I wish I had more duels like this, I won't have to worry about dying! He was shocked that I could chew the piece with relative ease.
Next was the second bite. He bit his piece and struggle around 5 seconds. I just chewed my piece like it was nothing. There were some small tears coming out of his eyes. He tried to hide it but he didn't do a good job at that. Then came the third bite. He looked good for the first eight seconds of his chewing then he started to squench his face. Tears were starting to come out of his eyes even though he closed his eyes tightly, the licorice was starting to have an effect on him. Then he started make noises with his throat. He was holding his throat in despair as the black juices started to seep through his throat. He started to cough and it looked like his eyes were going to pop out! Finally through all the coughing and choking he somehow managed to ask for water. There were no questions that I was the winner but the bartender still made the announcement.
"Well it looks like Jessie and Bart's wife are going to be heading to San Francisco and everywhere else! Jessie's the winner!"
Everybody cheered and congratulated me while Bart was drinking as much was as he could to get rid of the salty and bitter taste from the licorice. After he was able to return back to normal Bart looked at me with deep hate.
"You may have won this one, but I'm not through with you bitch!"
I really didn't take his comment very lightly so I pulled out my gun and pointed it to him.
"If you don't get out of here in the next ten seconds, I will be through with you!" He left so fast I didn't even get to three! The bartender who was and still is a good friend made an offer to me.
"How bout a shot of your favorite whiskey on the house?"
"That sounds great to me!"
So he served me a free shot of whiskey and drank it like it was water. Of course one shot of whiskey won't do me good so I had another. It wasn't until my fifth shot that my life was about to change for the better.
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The main villain (cue the old-school villain music)
While I was sipping on my whiskey at the saloon something big was going down on the other side of the town. There was a bank robbery at Last Western National Bank and leading the robbery was no other than the toughest and most dangerous outlaw in all of New Mexico, Snake-Eye Sarah Grasso. She also has two partners joining her in her bank heist: Texas T. Tad and Rusty Belt Russell.
"POW! Ok everybody, this is a stick up hand me your."
While the robbery was going on Texas T. Tadd was talking to a lady.