My head keeps telling me that this is all just a dream, that when I wake up, the pain will be gone and I will be whole again. But then my head remembers that I'm a vampire and that vampires don't sleep and then I begin to spiral back into my black abyss of hurt. In my world there are no dreams and nightmares, only reality, pain, and hurt. The pain in my chest is excruciating; I keep waiting to explode or be torn apart, but it never happens. The pain just keeps going on and on. If I had a heart, it would have stopped beating a long time before now. The rest of the family are still waiting for me to come downstairs, even though they know that it's not going to happen.
She's gone, just keeps replaying over and over in my head, I will never see her again. I knew that I had left her and that it was for her own good, but my heart just couldn't grasp that concept. I had left her for her own safety, but I had never considered my sanity. I knew that if I stayed here in my room, curled up in a fetal position, that I really never would see her again. We would never laugh together, never share those beautiful kisses, never talk about anything and yet nothing in particular. I would never hear her heartbeat increase when I kissed her or came near, never see her blush in that delicious and funny way. I knew all of this, but I couldn't bring myself to move or continue in another train of thought.
My family had tried everything they could think of to get me to come out and do something, all in vain. Nothing they could do could make me come out. Except for seeing her…. No, I thought, you know that that is impossible! You can never see her again. And the pain somehow increased and I gasped raggedly, trying not to feel the hurt. But, there has to be a way, some way that I can get rid of this, maybe I should see her again, hear her laugh, see her blush and smile. And then something in my brain clicked. Yes, no one needs to know, and I began planning.
That night, I crept out of my bedroom window as silently as a vampire can. Alice already knew what was going to happen, of that I was sure, but she had done nothing to stop me so far. Ever since I had made this decision, the pain in my chest had decreased. I stole along the rooftop of my house and came to the edge. Hovering uncertainly, I began to think. What if she sees me? What if when she does, she won't accept me back? But, then again, what if she doesn't see? Just one time wont hurt. Anything has to be better than this pain. I hit the ground running, still being as silent as possible.
Forks looms ahead, I sprint as fast as I can, no longer trying to be quiet. My house, family, and anyone who know enough to stop me are far behind. The night is beautiful, the stars are out, and the moon is a quarter full. For once the sky is clear and the weather warm. I run feeling the wind on my face and the ground beneath my flying feet. The familiar smell of Forks brings back many painful memories, but they are sweet at the same time. An owl hoots in a tree nearby, cheering itself a victory over a fresh kill. It is alone, just as I am.
As I come into the town, I slow my pace slightly. Do I really want to be doing this? As soon as the thought crosses my mind the pain in my chest comes roaring back so I continue on running in order to ease it.
I run across the familiar streets, finally coming to my destination. I hesitate again, this time just to get my courage up. I take an unnecessary deep breath and look up at the window. The lights aren't on, but I can hear breathing. She's in there, maybe sleeping. All I need is a peek; I just need to see her again. Jumping up to the roof, now being silent again, I creep along until I come to the familiar window. Slowly, ever so slowly, I lean around and peek in.
What I see freezes me. I can't move, I can't even think! That mutt is kissing her-if that's what you can call eating half of her face-and she's kissing him right back! My brain finally clicks back into the on mode and I lean back away from the window. This can't be right…it's all a hallucination…if she felt anything for me before…how can she be doing this to me? My head feels like it's about to explode! How can she kiss that dog as though we had never been anything together?
I stumble away from the window and off of the roof. My entire body is numb with shock. My feet begin running of their own accord. I didn't care where I go just as long as it is away from them. I run into the familiar meadow and that's when everything crashed down on me. She had moved on without me. She had somebody else and didn't need me anymore. The pain was even worse than before; I never should have come here. Now I knew that I'd never get her back. That mutt had taken over where I should have been. I briefly considered getting him out of the way. After all, there's no fight when there is no competition. But I quickly moved on, I would only hurt myself, and if she loved that dog, then I wouldn't take that away from her.
I had to know the truth though. What if she didn't love him, what if she still wanted me and was only being nice to him? It was a stretch, but it was all that I needed to begin. The pain decreased as I began to think of a way to get the truth from her. I had three options: first, she couldn't resist my kissing, second, I could use that mutt's pain, and third, I could force it from her. I knew I wouldn't be able to stand seeing her in any sort of pain so that meant the last two were eliminated. That left me with the first option to work with. I began to formulate a plan to get her away from that dog. I would know her true feelings come heck or high water