Do you know what it's like to love someone and know for certain that they will never love you back?
If you ask me love is the greatest weapon of darkness ever devised. What other force in the universe has the power to drive you that insane or make you suffer so much? If the power of love could be harnessed by a single person then that person would be able to conquer the world. There's no other explanation for it. Love is a tool for our own torment. It is the key to self destruction. For me, it is my own personal hell for I am in love with a girl called Hermione Granger but I can never tell her or anyone else how I feel. I am a pure blood! And what is she exactly? She's nothing more than a mudblood. The thought of being in close proximity to such filth should make my skin crawl and yet my body aches to feel her close to me.
Why? Why has this happened? I see her in my dreams sometimes but they are never pleasant. The first time I dreamt about her was in my third year at Hogwarts. It was around Christmas time and in the dream she was standing in the grounds of Hogwarts. I was walking towards her. I could feel the snow breaking under my feet as I stepped through it but with every step I took towards her the further away she seemed to be. I soon found myself running after her in a desperate attempt to reach her but it was all in vain. It wasn't a nightmare as such but when I awoke I felt such pain inside. It was so new to me that I felt like I couldn't contain it within me. It was like an animal ready to burst from my chest. I had never thought I could have any feelings for her but as I sat up in bed that night I felt myself yearning for her for the first time and when I saw her take her seat at the breakfast table in the main hall the next day I felt a strange sense of relief as If my eyes needed to see her. I suppose that was when it all began. The start of my descent into self hatred and torment over this girl.
Over the next year I put on a front that everyone expected of me especially my father. At every given opportunity I would promote the idea that pure bloods are the only decent Wizards and that all else were scum, disease ridden rodents, a result from interbreeding with muggles and yet every word I spoke seem to send daggers through my heart. Perhaps that is the key to love's power? It turns your own body against you. It deflects all my energy back onto me to use to make me ill and feel down. It's insidious.
As the time passed I found myself thinking about her more and more whenever I was alone. It was having a cumulative effect on me as I soon began to realise that I was falling in love with her. I began to picture what life would be like under different circumstances. If I could just have a chance I'm sure it could work. If what I'm feeling is true then it is surely meant to be? I'm sure I could get on with her parents. OK - they're muggles but nobody's perfect. I would be the picture of good manners. Please! Thank you! Oh Mrs Granger you look beautiful tonight, I can see where Hermione gets her good looks from. Oh thank you Draco you're too kind! Yea, I could pull that off. Of course my lot might not be as welcoming but they'd come around. They'd have to!
As Christmas again approached I found myself worse than ever. She was dating Viktor Krum! That brain dead oaf was hovering around her like a bad smell. He had to be taken care of. But how? He is a lot bigger than me so fighting is out of the question. Maybe a hex or two from a safe distance would do the trick? Oh what am I thinking? It's never going to happen even if I did turn Krum into a slug. She's got those idiots Potter and Weasley to stand in my way. If love is suppose to be so important then why is everything so bloody hard? But hang on! Potter is in this Tri-Wizard Idiots thing along with Krum. If Potter is killed then maybe she will be distraught then I can comfort her and she will realise that I love her and she belongs with me? Damn it all to hell - Potter survived those Dragons AND the Merpeople! When will I get a break? Not any time soon.
A t the end of the fourth year Voldermort returned with the help of my father. Any chance I had was gone for good. While on the surface I joined in with the celebrations and planning deep down I couldn't help but think that my life was coming to an end. She could never be mine, not now, not ever! As my dreams became more intense I did my best to put her out of my head. I tried everything but it all failed. How could I possibly hope to get over her when I see her almost everyday? This is so cruel. Just when I think that I'm finally over her she puts her hand up in one of Snape's lessons and BOOM she's back in my head like a rogue bludger.
Will these feelings ever go away?
I could see what was happening as I watched from afar. There was something going on between her and Weasley. Somehow I had always thought Potter was the biggest threat to me but sure enough it was Weasley who was wriggling his greasy fingers over her. It's not bloody fair! That should be me. She's probably going to be turned into yet another Weasley factory pumping out another two or three hundred red haired idiots. What am I going to do? The Dark Lord has given me a task to complete and when I do no matter what happens afterwards she will never ever forgive me. When my task is complete I will be destroying whatever miniscule hope there was of us ever being together. Perhaps that will be good thing? Perhaps that's what I need to finally get over her? I guess we will soon see. For now at least I can still hope and dream because in the end almost ninety per cent of love is hoping and dreaming and for me and Hermione that's all we will ever have.
Good night!