Hailey Upton was wrapping up at the precinct and intent on getting the hell out of there for the day. It's been two hours since her brief conversation with Jay ABOUT Adam, and five hours since Jay had overheard her conversation WITH Adam. All of it was enough to make her head spin.
Once she walked through the door of her townhouse, the first thing she did was pour herself a drink, and quickly went into the living room with it… She didn't want to drink at her usual spot, the kitchen island, because that's where she and Jay drank after a particularly hard day. No, tonight was reserved for her to swallow alone in the quiet of her couch.
When she was settled, halfway through the first drink, wrapped in a blanket, and grabbing the whiskey bottle she brought to the coffee table to pour some more… she finally allowed herself to get caught up in her thoughts and feelings. She could almost still feel the tears in her eyes that formed when she had to tell Jay the truth. Her lower lip quivered a little on her next sip and she realized that maybe these tears were fresh. Today was not how she wanted things to go down, for a variety of reasons.
First things first, she was not expecting to have such a reaction to Adam acting so reckless and risking his career (and innocence.) She gets it, he's loyal to a fault to their unit… maybe that's the one thing that still draws her in, from what she originally thought was just sexual attraction. She can admit to herself, and him apparently, that she cares for him despite trying not to. That's what she gets for consistently sleeping with him and seeking comfort in a guy she thought her heart was safe from… because the comfort she seeks in the other guy, her heart definitely isn't safe...
Her thoughts now turn back to Jay, of course. She wanted sooo bad to not have her partner find out about her and Adam. If she's being honest, she didn't want anyone to find out, but especially Jay, and boy did she blow that today… first Voight then her Jay… What is she thinking? He was never "hers," she wouldn't allow that… maybe that's why she finds herself in the predicament she's in. She's tried so hard to fight the feelings she's had for him. Adam has been a great distraction for her, there's even a part of her that wishes she could feel more for him, instead of for her partner who is eerily similar to herself.
She thinks back to a mere few hours before when she confessed to Jay about what was going on between Adam and her. It was incredibly hard for her to hold back her emotions, especially knowing she'd been lying to someone who not only trusted her, but that she trusts more than anyone else. Hearing Jay tell her that they were good, and would always be, she could tell from his face and voice that it was such a loaded response. She doesn't feel like she deserves his forgiveness that easily. But, she expects nothing less from Jay… while she truly has no idea how he feels about her, they've been dancing around each other long enough to know that something is there …Something that neither of them knows how to address, how to admit it, or whether or not they should. It's a risk that they're scared to take, surrounded by work that makes them constantly take risks… oh, the irony. After all, she's said it herself, "it's just part of our thing… the thing that works." She can't picture her life without Jay's friendship. It's one of the only solid things she has, outside of her career. Admitting out loud to wanting something more from it scares the hell out of her; especially since neither of them have the best track record with relationships. Now she's in fear she screwed up their dynamic entirely with this Adam thing.
While still deep in her thoughts, the doorbell rings. She hops off the couch to answer it and automatically assumes it's Jay. When she looks through the peephole, she finds that she's completely wrong and slightly disappointed. She pulls the door open.
"Adam! Hey! What are you…"
He brushes past her into the foyer, interrupting anything else she was going to say. He seems on edge, like he does when he wants to get things off his chest.
"Hailey, we need to talk about earlier. Y'know, before Jay walked in."
"Yes, yes we do. Come on."
She brings him into the living room and they both sit on the couch. She offers him a drink, but he turns it down.
"Look Hailey, I meant everything that I said before. I will do whatever it takes and whatever I have to do to protect our team. I understand why you're concerned and I appreciate it. But at the same time, that's just who I am. I want you to know that it doesn't mean I don't respect your opinion, because I do. I care about you as well, Hailey, so much, but…"
She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath before cutting him off.
"Adam, listen, I get it. I do. I know you think I don't, but I understand loyalties more than most… I just don't know if ours are in the same place. Before we continue this conversation any further, I think there's just one question we both have to answer…. 'Do you care about your loyalty to the team, more than to me?'"
She asks him it, already knowing his answer… because while for different reasoning, she knows where both of their loyalties lie more, and it's not fair to either of them.
"Hailey… c'mon, they're two in the same. You're part of the team. I'd do anything for you as well if it came down to it."
"Adam, we both know it's not the same, and that's ok! Neither of us is wrong for how we feel and view certain things. "
"I really do care about you Hailey. You've been a light in my life recently."
She gives him a teary-eyed smile because she knows he means it, and she knows she cares a lot about him too… just not as much as she does someone else…
"I know. I know you do. And I meant what I said earlier too… I do care about you Adam, but maybe it's best if we just take a break from whatever this is for a bit. Maybe some time apart will give us a fresh perspective. Maybe it will make me understand why you're doing this. Maybe it'll help you understand my view of things too. "
Adam looks at her sadly, but he nods his head.
"Yea, ok, maybe you're right. I am gonna miss the locker room benefits though." He winks and jokes with her, she laughs and slaps his arm.
They walk back over to the front door and give each other a hug goodbye, both hanging on for a while. Then Adam steps out and Hailey closes the door… alone with her thoughts again… she goes to pound another drink and thinks it's best to go to bed. Put this day to rest already.
Hailey wakes to her alarm at 6:30am and sees she has a text from Jay, telling her he'll be over in a half hour to pick her up. It was Wednesday, and one of them always picked the other up to hit the gym before work. She smiles at her phone, happy that Jay is still sticking with their tradition, despite yesterday's events.
She throws on her gym clothes and gets ready. Her mind feels refreshed for the time being, like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders. She believes she made the right move with Adam, and she's also relieved she's no longer harboring a secret from Jay… well, at least a palpable secret… her feelings for him will continue to stay guarded; a good night's sleep won't fix that about her.
She finishes getting ready right as she hears the horn from Jay's pickup. She throws her gym bag over her shoulder and heads outside. She opens the passenger door to a smirking Jay holding up a cup of coffee for her. She smiles to herself, relieved it all feels so familiar. She knows there will be a little more tension between them now, probably no way to avoid it without delving into a conversation about "them," but she's thankful for the small miracles.
He gives her one of his looks, almost like he senses what she's thinking… like he almost sees straight through to her soul, but all he says is,
"You good?" as he hands her the coffee once she's buckled.
She looks directly at him and smiles. "Yea. I'm good. Are you?"
He smiles back reassuringly at her and nods up his head knowingly. "We're good." He then puts the car in drive and takes off. Both content and assured that at least some things will never change…
[A/N: This is basically my take on what is going on with Upstead (& Upzek) in the show. I feel that the actors and writers are trying to convey that Hailey & Jay have feelings for each other, but Adam is one of the many obstacles now with a whole different set of feelings. I think the Upzek "relationship" was/is the catalyst to make Jay realize he has feelings for Hailey... But I find Hailey's perspective the most intriguing since she's a character that does her best to hide her emotions... and I think her true feelings lie with Jay (ie: how emotional she got after he got shot, then getting drunk & sleeping with Adam to forget, and how much it upset her to confess to Jay) So I wanted to explore that a little. To be determined if I'll continue this specific story as the show goes on, we shall see. But I'm definitely fascinated by Hailey & Jay's thoughts... two very emotionally-guarded characters I enjoy writing for.]