All I've Ever Wanted
A/N: So as I was rewatching LOST, I realized (again) how much I adore Suliet and I wish SO much that "The Incident" would have ended differently. I think the writers wrote Juliet's character poorly throughout the last few episodes and I thought this little fic up after watching the finale of season 5. So, pleeease tell me what you think, and enjoy! It is from Juliet's POV and includes some extended scenes I really wanted to fill out.
Disclaimer: I do use direct lines to help guide the story and let y'all know where they're at, but I do not own LOST or any scripted material.
My mind was spinning out of control as I listened to Kate and James fight on the sub. The conflicts in my heart were almost too much to bear and it took every ounce of strength I had not to start crying. All I wanted was my life back- my life with Rachel and with my career and this time around with James. But after everything that had happened so far, I knew that would be impossible to achieve. Instead, I decided to compromise. A life with James, and maybe with a house and with babies and with happiness again… that's all I wanted. That right there is what led me to this stupid sub.
But then again, maybe what Kate said… maybe she's right. Who the hell knows? But the way his body shifts when he sees her… it makes my blood run cold. It makes the tiny scars on my heart re-open with a gut-bursting pain. It makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry.
"All right, here's your sedatives…" the sub worker says.
Fight or flight. I made a decision. I made a decision with James and my love for him in mind. I hardened myself like I used to have to do while living with the Others, and then, I attacked.
"What the hell did you just do?" James exclaimed.
"WE decided to leave this Island, James. WE did. And now we're going back." I put on my "Other" face, and prayed that James wouldn't see right through it.
The tension was almost painful during the row back to the beach. I felt a part of my heart break as I saw the last bit of my potential happiness sink under the ocean surface. I mentally said my farewells, and pushed the tears back. Kate and James were arguing over where to land the boat, and all I could think about was how I could have just made the biggest mistake of my entire life. My lower lip trembled, but I bit it hard to try and control myself. Before James, I was one tough cookie. I had to be that way. But since that stupid drunken night on the dock with him… I realized that was the moment that I had gone soft. He made me a stupid, lame, emphatically-in-love softie. But not today… today I was gonna be that tough son of a bitch who was born on this goddamn island. Today, I was going to do what had to be done.
Within minutes we pulled up on the beach. Right back to square one.
"Thank you," Kate said suddenly. I was confused.
"For what?"
"For backing me up at the sub." Oh. Heh… if only she knew…
"No problem."
My thoughts tried to stray but I kept them to the task at hand. I couldn't let my guard down. Not yet, at least. Suddenly Vincent ran up to James, and my heart fluttered. Bernard and Rose have apparently been living out here this entire time and I hadn't even known. None of us did. But, the worst part of the whole thing… it was that they were living the life I wanted more than anything. They were happy, in love, and all they needed was each other.
That's when I saw it. And that is when my heart broke into the million pieces that I had spent over three years trying to glue back together. I had really thought that Goodwin was going to make me happy. But I had no idea what happiness was until I met James. And when he looked at her, as I looked at him… I knew it. I knew he cared for her still. I was just a pawn in his stupid little "Let's play Dharma house" game. I felt used. I felt cheated. I felt like I had been lied to for the two stupid years that I had been in love with him.
But I couldn't show any of that… not then. He couldn't know that I had turned into a giant softie. He couldn't. This is what I deserved, I guess. I mean after all, we were always just waiting for them to come back. I should have known that the fun had to end sometime.
"Are you sure you don't want some tea?" Bernard asks. I wish I could have some. But it wouldn't matter in a few hours anyway. I hesitated before answering, making sure I could maintain my composure.
"Maybe another time." I held my hand over my secret, wishing this would all just go away and we could go back to the way things were. And I forced my legs to go onward.
So, after trekking through the jungle in silence, we finally hear what's gotta be a Dharma van to the west of us. We glanced around at each other and ran for it. We made it to the path, and we were just in time for Hugo to slam on his brakes.
Jack angrily gets out of the van, and James demands five minutes to talk to him. I know good and well that that's not going to go very well, but I stay quiet, just like I have been the entire trip. Jack looks at me for reassurance, but I've gone cold as ice by this point, so I stand as still as a statue. He takes this as an "okay" on my part, so the men go off into the jungle. As soon as James is gone, I released the breath I had been holding, and walk off into my own part of the jungle, away from the others. I finally let myself feel.
My shoulders shook with sadness as I finally let some tears roll down my cheeks. Not too much, of course, or then they'll know I was crying. Frustrated, I ran my hands roughly through my hair and paced. My heart was pounding so hard in my chest, I thought it must be crying out from grief. I couldn't believe what I was going to do. And I hated myself for it. But it needed to be done. Finally, after a minute or two, I stood still, took three deep breaths, wiped away my tears, and headed back towards the others.
I was almost there when I heard the fighting. I rolled my eyes, but headed in their direction to stop it.
"James!" I cried. He stopped. "Let him go."
"He wouldn't listen! I had to! He won't stop!" he yelled in frustration.
"That's because he's right," I said, as I shuddered. This is where everything would start tumbling down. I had agreed with him all along, but I knew we wouldn't get off the sub if I had said that earlier. So, I did what I do best. I lied. "He's right, James. We have to do this."
"What are you talking about? You're the one who told me to come back here and stop him!"
He was right. And he hadn't seen the lie. Any other day he would have. But with her here? She clouded him. "I changed my mind." And he believed me. Utter confusion conformed his face. He was looking at me like he didn't even know me anymore. I didn't even really know me anymore. Things were perfect before they had shown up. But once they did, I was just his partner-in-crime, his back-up. And the way he looked at her made me sick.
I turned on my heel and stalked off back where I had come from. He asked me to stop, but I didn't. I couldn't. I didn't want to have this conversation yet. I knew it was coming. Ever since they got here I knew it would come, but I just wasn't ready for it yet. We argued, and he grabbed my arms trying to stop me. Instinct kicked in and I harshly pulled away. He backed up in surprise.
"I need you to tell me where all this is coming from! One minute you're leading the great sub-escape, and now you're on board with blowing up the damn island? I got a right to know why you changed your mind." God, Juliet, don't lose focus.
"I changed my mind when I saw you look at her." Well shit. So much for avoiding this conversation… even though I definitely wasn't ready, it was here and now and there's no turning back now. The part that intrigued me the most was his reaction. He actually grimaced, as if he knew exactly what I was referring to. Which meant I wasn't losing my mind. I couldn't tell if that was a comforting thought or not.
"I don't care who I looked at. I'm with you." My heart breaks. I just love him so damn much and this stupid secret is about to spill out and the tears are coming and I just feel like I want to hug him and kiss him and be happy but… I can't. I must maintain composure.
"And you would stay with me forever, if I let you… and that's why I will always love you… and what we had, it was just for a little while, and just because we love each other, doesn't mean that we're meant to be together." My parents' image flashes before me and it finally clicks. I feel the pain my mother must have felt while she broke the news about the divorce to me and Rachel. I felt like a failure. I felt like someone who would never get to know what it felt like to be so eternally loved in return. I would never feel the way Kate did. "I mean maybe we were never supposed to be together, so if Jack can make it so that none of you ever come here, then he should." Liar liar liar liar liar liar liar. He asked me why, and so many different responses filled my head. "I… If I never meet you, then I never have to lose you." And the flood gates opened once more.
I pushed past him, dying to get his face out of my mind. The hurt, the guilt I saw there… it was unbearable to witness. He stood there for a second, but was soon in step behind me.
"Juliet! Juliet, wait!" he called. "Can we please talk about this?"
"There's nothing to talk about."
"Yes, I do believe there is. First of all, I don't have no feelin's for Kate! I did, and I admit I did, but whatever ya think ya saw… well, you're wrong!" I turned around so fast he almost crashed into me.
"James, I know what I saw. You still love her, and that's fine. I should've have believed this was real."
"But Jules, it IS real."
"Yeah, we're on an island. Yeah, we've lived together for over two years. And yeah, we could die within the hour. But James… I'm not what you want. You want her."
"Really? Cuz if I wanted her, wouldn't SHE be the one I'd be chasin' through the damn jungle?" I said nothing. "Yeah, that's what I thought. Now besides you getting' jealous, what else is bothering you?"
"Honestly James? Do you really want to know?" I crossed my arms in indignation.
"Yes, Juliet, I want to know," he said slowly.
I paused, and thought hard about what I was about to say. I couldn't screw this up. I hadn't planned on saying anything about this at all, but I wanted to stun him, and maybe this would make him realize that we needed things to change. Things needed to be back the way they were supposed to be: with the plane never crashing.
"Damn it, James. I'm pregnant." His jaw slacked, and he said nothing. "Yeah, you heard me. And at first I was so excited. But the next day, guess who shows up? And I was stupid to think that we'd be happy. We weren't meant to have a family together. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how screwed up things had gotten. They shouldn't have come… but they did, and there isn't anything anyone can do about it."
"I…" he tried to speak, but I cut him off.
"Please don't. Please don't try and make me feel better about this. You wanna know why I decided to get us off the sub? I did it for you. I did it so you could be with her. I did it so we could blow up this shit hole and so I would never have to feel the pain of losing you."
He was almost nose to nose with me by this point, and I trembled, whether with anger or fear, I wasn't sure. "Juliet. If I wanted to be with her, I would have been. If we had gone back to Ann Arbor, I would have done nothing but provide for you, in every possible way. You didn't do this for me. You did it cuz you're scared. You're scared of happiness. Cuz I swear to God, I woulda done every god damn thing in my power to make you and that baby happy. Don't you tell me that this is all for my own good. You're scared of happiness. Cuz I swear to God, I woulda done every god damn thing in my power to make you and that baby happy. Don't you tell me that this is all for my own good. You've wanted off the island for years, and hell, I really don't blame ya, but don't you tell me what I would and wouldn't have wanted."
Tears trickled down my cheeks as he stared me down. I didn't know what to say. So, I didn't say anything at all. I turned around, wiped my cheeks, and continued back to the van. I wanted the baby more than anything, but I didn't want things like this. I loved James so much that it hurt, and if I could do anything to make it all go away, well I was going to.
We passed Jack eventually, and thankfully the tears were gone by this point. Once we reached the van, I easily sat myself down in the open doorway. James stood next to me, saying nothing. His silence is even worse than his words sometimes, but right then it was just what I needed.
After a few minutes, Phil drove past on his way to the Swan site. Kate pointed out that they would kill Jack as soon as they saw him. James looked down at me for the first time since the argument and asked what I thought. At first I didn't know what to say, but the familiar phrase instantly entered my mind, and we all knew we needed to help him out. Turns out, we got there just in time.
The firefight pumped my adrenaline as I shot as best as I could from the van. Jack needed to do this. I needed him to do this. James finally grabbed Phil and had him at gunpoint, and shouted for everyone to drop the weapons. Jack was about to throw in the bomb, and my heart began to race. I was terrified, but I tried to smile as best as I could to reassure James that this was all for the best.
Then, he dropped it. My life with James flashed before my eyes, and I felt so overwhelmed with love and desperation that I started to cry again. I waited, and squeezed my eyes shut. My body trembled, both with anticipation and fear.
Nothing happened… except the magnet began to suck down everything nearby. I knew this whole operation couldn't be easy, but I hadn't expected for the bomb to not detonate, and for a giant magnet to wrap heavy metal chains around my waist and legs. I screamed. The chains were pulling me down hard and fast. Kate grabbed the chains and for once, I was happy that she was around.
I held on for as long as I could, and when James finally grabbed my hand, I had almost lost all hope. The pain was unbearable. The chains were close to dislocating my hips and were slowly breaking my bones. I felt darkness all around me, and I clung to James's voice like I clung to his fingers.
"Where do you think you're goin'?" he yelled for Kate as I worked the chains around my legs with my free hand. First my right leg was loose, then my left, but the chains at my hip were getting tighter and tighter and I could feel my body throbbing against them.
Kate tried desperately to reach me, but she couldn't. "Hold on!" he growled. I cried up that I couldn't get the chains loose, and he just held tighter. I reached up with my free hand to get a better grip, and he pulled me up just a little higher.
"Kate! Get something sharp to cut the chains with!" he screamed as he held my bloody hands in his. I felt like I was about to pass out but I held onto his beautiful voice.
"But I could cut her! And the magnet might just suck it down!"
"I don't care! Just hold on tight! I'd rather her be alive than cut!" he almost choked on those last words, and I knew he cared about me. Whether it was more or less than Kate, he did care.
The beam above us fell a little lower, and I thought I was going to slip from James's grip, but he just held tighter, and started holding me by my forearms for better grip.
Then I saw Kate. She had a handsaw. Hurley helped lower her down enough to reach the chains around my waist. She cried as she sawed and soon I was only being wrapped around by one loop of chains, not three. This is where things got complicated. The pressure had eased a little but the magnetic pull made the saw cut in all kinds of directions. I was in so much pain already that I didn't feel the 6 times she sliced my skin. But right before complete darkness took over me, the last bit of the chains fell free, as did the saw. James's arms were quivering with pain but he never let go. He hoisted me up with Kate's help, and then everything went white.
I woke up feeling very cold and nauseated. It was so bright I had to squint to try and collect my bearings. I could feel James's arms still wrapped around me, but he was limp. My ears were ringing so loud that I checked at least three times to see if I was bleeding from them. After a few minutes I was able to remember what had happened. I looked down at my ripped jeans and shirt and could see they were soaked with blood. I felt sick.
James then began to stir, and I immediately checked him over for injuries. Other than what Jack had done to his face, he was alright. I looked around and saw no one else. We were half lying in a creek, half on a rock bed. I was extremely confused. Were we dead? Did it work? I could feel it in my soul that it had worked but I wasn't sure how. Did the chains and the saw hit the bomb? And how was I so sure it had worked? I mean, if it did, why the fuck were we still on this damn island?
"Ju…" James muttered. He cleared his throat. "Juliet…"
I turned towards him and helped pull him out of the water. "I'm here, baby, I'm here." I whispered. My ears hurt so badly, I wondered if he could even hear me.
"Did it work?" he asked.
"I think it did, baby. But I'm not sure…"
He glanced me over, and felt my face with such tenderness I thought I was going to cry again. "You're alive, right? This isn't a dream?"
"No, James, it's not a dream. I'm here. I'm here thanks to you and Kate. You saved me, sweetheart. You saved me in so many ways." He grinned, took my hand, and passed out.
A/N: sooo whatcha think? Pleeeease review! I really want to continue this with at least one more chapter to further explore how things work out with the Island and whatnot, so let me know! Also, I know some things of Juliet's may not be completely in character in this, but I really wanted to make her pregnant as soon as I saw the strange scene with her and Bernard. The writers make EVERYTHING up to interpretation and as annoying as that is, im kinda glad they did it so that writers like us can play around with it. And thanks for reading!