A/N: Okay this isn't the smut I usually write, but yeah. I wrote this in bits and pieces so I apologize if it seems choppy/weird/whatever. My writing has not been flowing lately. If the editing sucks, I apologize for that too, I absolutely dread editing what I write.
Oh and I may have changed a few things about their first night. I had to ditch the kids and Michonne for reasons.
It amazed Rick how much noise sleeping bodies could make. Especially when there were so many of them, all squeezed into one room. He almost wanted to kick himself for his own idea - to have everyone share one room for the night. But as much as the snoring and the breathing were keeping him awake, he also knew that the chances of him sleeping would have been even smaller if they weren't all together. Just knowing that Carl and Judy were upstairs, sleeping comfortably in one of the beds was enough to make him want to jump up and go check on them. It felt too soon to have his kids separated from him, but he hadn't been able to deny Carl when the boy had asked to sleep with his sister in a real bed. It'd been so long since they'd had anywhere other than a forest floor to sleep that saying no would have felt worse than the panic that was currently racing through his body.
Instead, he fought the urge to get up and catch a glimpse of his children. Even if his heart was beginning to race a little at the thought of them being alone upstairs, Rick stayed still, forcing his back to stay glued to the hard wooden floor. He told himself he was just being paranoid. Even if Alexandria wasn't everything that it seemed, there was a house full of people that could protect them. There were no walkers in the house. And unless someone climbed through a second story window, Carl and Judy would be fine. Even Michonne was on the front porch, keeping watch, Rick knew he'd be able to hear trouble before it ever reached his kids.
The sad part was that those reassurances weren't what kept him in place though, but the fear of his group seeing him do something so obviously irrational again.
No, he'd definitely already let his crazy flag wave a little too proudly as of late. Even if inside he knew he was right to be cautious, Rick wanted his friends and family to respect him. He'd promised himself after everything that had happened with Aaron, he'd keep his thoughts and plans to himself. Eventually they'd thank him for it.
But until that day came, they'd all just look at him like he'd gone off the deep end if they knew what he was really thinking. And causing a stir in the middle of the night, possibly waking them all up just so he could make sure none of the demons in his head were in the room with Carl and Judy wouldn't do him any good when it came to winning back their confidence.
So he just stayed still, staring at the ceiling, waiting for the morning to come so he could get up again.
And it wasn't that he didn't want to rest, he did. But between the fears in his head and Eugene's snores that sounded more like a freight train - it really was impossible.
If someone wasn't snoring or tossing and turning, then they were moaning and whimpering, their heads full of bad dreams. Somehow being inside of a house made it all far more obvious than it normally was when they were all sleeping together outside. There were no chirping crickets to help block out any sounds, no rustling from the wind to act as nature's white noise.
Rick glanced to his left at the sleeping body next to him. Noah. The boy was new to the group and still naive enough to believe in safe places. Rick envied his ignorance. Indulging in it had cost them Tyreese, a mistake that Rick refused to make twice. But that was the difference between Rick and people like Noah. Rick had seen the experience in Richmond as something to learn from, and Noah was sleeping peacefully afterwards, still hopeful enough to doze blissfully, thinking Alexandria was finally the safe place he'd thought his home might be.
And the kid was out cold.
Even with only the light of the full moon shinning in through the windows, Rick could make out Noah's breathing, slow and deep. He could even see a few small drops of saliva coming from his open mouth.
And even though Rick had grown fond on the boy, he had no interest in waking up in a puddle of his drool. Especially not now that he'd finally gotten a good shower and a shave. Just the thought made him scoot over a few feet, putting more distance between their bodies, until Rick was only a few inches away from Carol's back.
He tried to get settled again, closing his eyes and praying sleep would come his way. But as soon as he almost got comfortable, he heard Carol speak, a quiet whisper that barely registered.
"You're awake too?" She asked, her voice so low that Rick looked her way to make sure he wasn't hearing things.
Carol was already rolling over to face him before Rick could answer the question. Not that it needed to be answered. And even in the dark, Rick could tell she was wide awake too, her body just as alert as his.
"I didn't mean to wake you up." He whispered back, apologizing, even though it was clear she'd been struggling to rest too.
"You didn't."
Rick just nodded, afraid to keep talking, afraid that they'd make the others stir. But when she spoke again, he couldn't ignore it, no matter how badly the others needed their sleep.
"You're right, you know." Carol told him.
Finally, he glanced towards her, turning his head just a little to see her face, surprised to see the smile that he could barely make out.
It was strange for them to back in each other's good graces. He was still waiting on something to go wrong, for some issue to crop up that would have them at odds again. But so far, they'd done nothing but agree since Terminus. It gave him faith in his decisions, if he were being honest. Surely if him and Carol, of all people, could agree then that meant it had be the right call.
"About what?" He finally asked, trying to keep as quiet as possible while he waited for Carol to go on.
He was still looking her way when she answered, another whisper, but one that caused him to quietly laugh.
"Whatever it is keeping you up, you're probably right." She told him, the grin on her face growing just slightly, one that Rick was positive probably met her eyes, if only he could truly see them.
As amusing as it was that she could have that much faith in the inner workings of his brain, Rick was positive if he told her that she'd laugh him off.
But still, it didn't stop him from trying. If all else failed, maybe she could talk him off the ledge. He trusted Carol's opinion, now more than ever. If she could offer some words of wisdom maybe he'd be able to finally close his eyes and go to sleep, even if it did prove once and for all that they couldn't possibly agree on everything.
Turning to finally face her, he sat up a little to whisper in her ear, afraid to let anyone else overhear. Telling Carol his inner most fears was one thing, she wouldn't think less of him for it. But he didn't want to give any more ammo to the others if one of them happened to be awake too.
"I'm afraid something is going to happen to the kids upstairs. Or to Michonne on the porch. That we're all just sitting here like prey with no weapons. That this place is just another Terminus with prettier decorations."
When he pulled away, he watched her shaking her head at him, still smiling. And the relief he felt for not being looked at like a overly paranoid crazy person was enough to make him joke too.
Just to keep it light, he wrapped a hand around the back of her neck and leaned over her ear again, admitting another a fear.
"And I'm worried about waking up in Noah's drool."
He felt her laughing before he even pulled away and he wished like hell he could really look into her eyes. But her hand on his chest was calming enough, a gentle touch that matched his own, his thumb still stroking her neck.
And the small simple comfort that she was offering him as they both laid there in the dark was enough. But the next words out of her mouth as her chuckles finally quieted down were even better, even if she was just humoring him.
"Those are reasonable worries." Carol whispered, her voice growing more serious as he continued to stroke her neck with his thumb. "Really."
When she added the last word, Rick felt himself smile.
He couldn't remember the last time anyone had really went out of their way to comfort him. Especially not when he was being completely honest, when he'd laid all his crazy fears out on the table. Instead of talking him down from the ledge, Carol was just telling it was okay to be there in the first place.
It felt good, better than good.
Finally he shut his eyes and pressed his forehead to hers, just happy to have the human contact. Human contact from someone that had no expectations, no advice, just someone accepting him for him. For the first time all night, Rick finally felt like he could fall asleep. It'd only take a few more strokes to her neck, a bit more of her hand reassuringly rubbing his chest.
He just wasn't so sure he wanted to sleep anymore.
How long had it been since he'd felt at peace? He couldn't even remember. Now his fear was that he'd fall asleep and miss the calm, that he'd just have to wake back up to the real world and all the struggles in it. No, he'd much rather relish the feeling of every muscle in his body slowly starting to relax, to stay awake while his heartbeat matched that of the woman's across from him, her steady pulse beating against his thumb.
"Why were you awake?" He asked, with a whisper so low that it was barely audible.
Still, he didn't open his eyes. Not even when he felt her move from under his hold, felt her lips right over his ear, staying close just as he had done to her.
"Worried about your kids upstairs. About Michonne on the porch. Thinking that we're all at risk, sleeping here with no guns."
The words were a breath of fresh air, just hearing that someone had the same fears he did. So much so that when she pulled away, he put his hand back on her neck, pulling closer than she'd been before.
It was there, with her face buried into his chest, his grip still on her neck that Rick realized how truly grateful he was for the woman against him. Not just because she'd saved them all from Terminus, or had protected Judith. But just thankful for having another human on the planet that understood.
Another person that didn't just comfort him with words, but with her presence. A presence that was normally so strong and dominant. But pressed against him, Rick realized how truly delicate she was too. With a slender, soft neck, her small hands were buried between their bodies, her tiny frame curled against him. It was amazing how such a strong person could feel so fragile. Something he knew could be said for both of them.
"Thank you." He whispered into her hair, planting a small kiss before he could even think twice.
When she pulled away just a little and looked him in the face and asked a question, Rick wasn't sure how to respond.
"For what?"
He didn't even know where to start. Rick wanted to thank her for everything, but even he knew that wasn't what he'd meant, not in that moment. She'd saved their asses, saved his children, and while he'd die still feeling grateful, it wasn't quite what he'd meant.
Honestly, he'd just wanted to thank Carol for being...Carol. For being a woman who was hard enough to understand where he was coming from but also soft enough to curl against him and press her head into his chest. For being smart enough to have given him a few nudges in the past but also for being kind enough not to constantly remind him of the times he'd refused to listen. He even wanted to express his gratitude for her just reminding him what it felt like to have a warm body against his.
But instead, he said none of those things.
Carol was still watching for a reaction, her face trying to study his in the dark, just as he was doing to her. And Rick wished he could really see her, that he could turn on a lamp and really look at the person across from him.
He settled for touching her, if he couldn't at least really look at her. Grabbing her chin in his hand, he ran a thumb across her jaw until finally settling right under her bottom lip. He wanted to memorize every last detail, even if only by touch. Rick had never thought there'd come a day when him and Carol would be a team again, and he knew better than to assume it would always stay that way. Even if it wasn't from a disagreement, there was always death looming around every last corner. Either way there would come a day when she wasn't there, or he wasn't.
And for years he'd taken her for granted. Her kind eyes, the playful smile, the sage advice. Who would have thought that the abused housewife would one day become one of his most trusted and capable partners? Rick didn't want to ignore the significance anymore.
And Carol didn't seem to mind his touch. She settled back down across from him, her forehead pressed against his once more, closing her eyes to the embrace. And Rick knew what she was feeling, the same thing he felt when her hand came and rested on his face too, her fingers running over his smooth cheeks.
"You look better without the beard." She whispered into the dark, her eyes still closed as her hands explored his face. "I'm sure it feels better too."
Rick wasn't sure if she meant that it felt better for him or her. Either way, he didn't care. It did feel good.
Too much time had passed since the last time he'd felt anyone touch him with the care and understanding Carol was touching him with. Nor could he remember the last time he'd touched anyone else the same way, except his children. But sometimes it just wasn't enough. As much as he loved Carl and Judy, there were some voids even they couldn't fill.
He stayed still for a moment, his eyes closing to her strokes, trying to get every last bit of enjoyment out of it. If he could have gotten any closer, he would have. But Carol was already pressed against him, the only way they could've gotten closer would've been if Rick pressed his lips to hers instead of just his forehead.
And just the thought made him run his thumb over her mouth, his thumb tracing over her top lip, then the bottom.
They felt so smooth and soft that he couldn't help but wonder if they'd feel the same way against his mouth. It was insane, he knew that. To imagine how Carol would taste.
But was it any crazier than anything else that had occurred lately? He'd never expected to one day banish the timid woman he'd first met. Nor had he ever expected to see her again after that. Finding her had been equally as unexpected, but a pleasant surprise if there'd ever been one. And Rick never in a million lifetimes would have seen the day coming that they were finally equals, true partners, that they'd be the only two people left awake in the dark, trying to seek comfort in the other.
So was it really so bad he wanted to replace his thumb with his lips? To see if she'd yield to his kiss like her body had to his touch?
Rick inched his face closer to hers, just to see if she'd react. But if anything, Carol welcomed the proximity, her hand following his lead, tracing over his lips too. He wasn't sure he was going to go through with it, he wasn't sure she'd let him, or even if he should.
Testing the waters, he kissed her thumb, a soft peck until she hovered there, allowing him to press down harder.
It was her sigh that told him all he needed to know. A light noise that barely escaped her lips, one he probably wouldn't have even been aware of if he hadn't been so close. The same sigh that made his grip on her tighten, his body reacting to the sound. How long had it been since he'd made a woman sigh? At least, not one that wasn't born from anger or frustration.
Just hearing it made him lose any doubt he had, any second guessing.
Finally, he grabbed her hand, removing it from his own face. And it was so easy to close what little bit of distance that was between them. Their lips were already almost touching, all it took was a slight lift of his chin, and by the time they finally connected with hers, Rick wasn't even sure which one of them was actually responsible.
They were both cautious a first. A small, gentle peck, barely even a kiss. But instead of pulling away, Carol kept her hand on his cheek, holding him in place, both of them gaining their confidence as she parted her lips just slightly, giving Rick a chance to really taste her, to move his lips against hers, for his tongue to gently dip into her mouth, his hand finally finding it's way back on her neck.
And it should've been weird. Laying there, kissing Carol in the dark, in a room full of their sleeping friends. It should have been just as strange as it was unexpected.
But it wasn't.
It wasn't strange nor was it unexpected when he felt the first moan escape her mouth, a small noise that suddenly seemed so loud in that room, especially now that they both knew they were officially doing something that was better not seen by their friends.
Their guilty conscious was enough to make them both pull away for a minute, for their eyes to dart around the room with their ears tuned in, trying to make sure no one had heard it. And when they were both satisfied that everyone was still asleep, Rick felt Carol press her forehead against his yet again, a relieved sigh escaping her mouth.
He was already breathing heavy, his body reacting to the kiss they'd just shared. Truthfully, he wanted more. The blood in his veins seemed to be pumping harder to every part of his body, parts of him that had no business waking up considering where he was at. Rick thought Carol would agree. That no matter what either of them were feeling, it was best left alone, left forgotten for many reasons.
It was why when she kissed him again, it took a moment for him to react, for his hands to find her face again, pulling her closer. He moaned the next time, just as her tongue found it's way into his mouth, slowly stroking against his own, allowing at least some part of him to be inside of her.
And as soon as the thought crossed his mind, Rick knew they'd crossed a line. His cock was hardening, her kisses were more urgent, her hands exploring his hair, then his shoulders, her fingers digging in hard and deep.
Rick knew they were both seeking relief. Not just from their arousal, but from every thing, the entire world. That it wasn't just lust drawing them together, but the need to escape. And if they couldn't escape their circumstances, if they couldn't relieve the ache of the world for each other, there was at least one ache they could.
But doing it in a room full of people didn't seem right, no matter how good it felt when he finally grew the courage to press the bulge in his jeans against her and hold it there, the smallest amount of pressure it created already making his cock ache for a release.
"We shouldn't."
He whispered it to her in the dark, praying no one heard, praying that no one had already heard.
And Carol was still face to face with him, her fingers still digging into his skin, her breathing just as heavy as his.
"No." She agreed.
But as soon as she whispered it, she kissed him again, wrapping her arm around his torso and pulling him closer.
"But since when has that ever stopped either of us from doing anything?"
And Rick didn't know how to respond to that question. Because there was no good response. Something being wrong had never stopped him before. And when compared to taking a life or any of the other horrible deeds he'd done in his lifetime, laying there with Carol seemed like nothing. Everyone had needs, them included. Especially them. Him and Carol had been shutting themselves down little by little with everyday that passed, finally feeling connected in any way seemed crazy to pass up.
Maybe he could have taken her upstairs to a bedroom, but Rick knew the truth. He'd lose his nerve. Already he was wondering if what they were doing would be good or bad for their relationship, the longer he waited, the more likely he'd be to stop. And he didn't want to stop.
He didn't respond, not with his words. Instead he grabbed her leg and guided it around his waist, nestled himself between her thighs all while trying to connect with her eyes in the dark.
And he stayed like that for a moment, letting her adjust to the idea, letting himself adjust to it too. He was between Carol's legs, his hard cock trapped between their bodies, both of them resisting the urge to thrust their hips for the moment. Rick knew it was the last place he'd expected to be when he laid down that night on the floor, but he was there all the same.
Wanting to make to most of it, his lips found hers again just as his hand gripped her ass, grinding against her with as much pressure as his muscles would allow, a slow stroke so as not to shake anyone laying nearby, but one that gave them both the much needed friction they sought.
He wished more than anything there was no denim between them, that he could pull their jeans down and actually thrust inside of her. But that was too risky, sure to cause a stir.
Instead they both had to settle for another grind of his hips, this time forcing Carol's thigh to clench around him, keeping him in place when he did it yet again. With her arm wrapped around his torso and her face buried into his neck to muffle her whimpers, Rick continued to slowly grind into her as hard as he possibly could.
The onslaught of pleasure was already almost too much, even if his cock was trapped in his jeans, even if he couldn't feel how wet she was, could only imagine it. He was aware of his balls tightening and pulsing as he continued to roll his hips, felt him dick already starting to ooze the first few sticky drops of his cum.
"Please..."
When she whispered it into his hot skin, Rick almost gave up the tease of his agonizingly slow torture. Hearing a woman as strong as Carol beg him for relief was enough to make just about any man want to push her onto her back and give her exactly what she wanted. But he couldn't. Already he was afraid someone could be awake bearing witness to what they were doing, and even if they weren't, what he craved would definitely have them waking up.
Rick wanted to free his cock, to push inside of her walls, to feel the moment when they began to clench around him. He wanted to look her in the eyes the moment they both got to the point they were seeking.
He didn't want to hide in the dark, to have to control his urges, to be doing something so intimate with her and not be able to truly savor it. Carol was one of his best friends and there he was with his dick pressed against her and he had to pretend like it wasn't happening for the sake of the sleeping bodies around him. It wasn't fair.
But knowing it was the only choice they had, Rick continued to grind into her, trying to add as much friction as he could, as much pressure, the effort making every muscle in his body burn.
It was his own moan that surprised him, making him a little more brave. Rick knew he was getting close, his cock steadily dripping now, forming a wet spot on his jeans, his balls starting to contract with each thrust of his hips. But he wanted Carol to get there too - for her to fall asleep feeling just as satisfied as he knew he'd be.
Feeling careless and too needy to worry about anyone waking up, he let go of her hip and reached under her shirt, quickly finding her nipples under her bra and gave them a rough pinch.
The act made her leg tighten around him again, for her teeth to bite into his shoulder just to hide the whimper that came rumbling from her lips. He did it again, pairing it with another steady, hard stroke of his cock, forcing yet another whimper.
"Harder."
Rick was more than happy to obey her quiet plea, pinching her nipple again, rolling it between his fingers, flicking over it a few quick times with his thumb.
And feeling her body react to his touch only egged him on, for his muscles to strain as he continued to dig into her relentlessly, his cock so swollen and hard that it was almost painful. The restraint they had to show was making the pain worse, but somehow increasing the pleasure too because while it was so hard to find, it was that much more rewarding.
When he heard her breathing starting to catch in her throat, he covered her lips with his, forcing his tongue into her mouth, stroking against hers the way he wished he could stroke others place.
Carol clenched around him, trying to force her climax into her control. To quiet it, to steady it. What should have been expressed with a groan or pant could only be shown in the way her thigh tightened around his waist, the way her hips started rubbing back against his, equally as hard and desperate.
And as soon as Rick knew she was there, he put his hand back on her ass, grabbing tight and forced her hips to stay on him as held their bodies together as tightly as he could, using every ounce of strength he had.
The continuous pressure was what he needed, the best he was going to get. The burn was enough to make his aching cock finally jerk, for his balls to clench as he felt the first spurt of his cum fill his jeans, then another. He held her in place, grinding a few more times, until every last drop had been spilt, until he was positive the stain on his pants in the morning would be dead giveaway of what they'd just done.
Letting go of her, he collapsed onto his back, trying to quiet his heavy breathing. Not that there was much point. If what they'd done hadn't just woken anyone, nothing would.
Rick almost felt guilty. Not because of the people around, but because of the person he'd done it with. Carol deserved better. Any woman did. He wanted to talk to her, to make sure she was okay, that she wasn't already starting to regret it.
His worries about their safety had been temporarily replaced with worries for the woman next to him.
But it was her laugh that let him know those were useless worries. A small giggle that started to grow in volume, one that made Rick fight back laughter too.
"Shhh." He whispered to her, reaching a hand out and placing it on hers, trying to calm her laughter and his own.
And for a quick moment he almost forgot where they were. In a strange house, inside of a strange community, with walkers and God knew what else on the other sides of the walls. He hadn't heard Carol really laugh in so long, or himself for that matter. Instead of worrying about what would be the end of his life, for those few short minutes he'd just remembered to live his life.
It was enough to make him laugh again, not even trying to hide it anymore. The reality of what they'd just done in a room full of people - so utterly carelessly, made his shoulders shake.
Carol's hand gripped his, her turn to quiet him, and scooted closer, their shoulders touching again as they laid on their backs together.
"We should sleep." She whispered, but Rick knew she was fighting back a smile, he could hear it in her voice.
"We should."
He couldn't have fought his own smile if he'd tried. It felt good to feel anything other than pain. Add in the relaxation over taking his body after a much needed release, and he almost felt down right euphoric.
Even when Abraham started to cough and stir, Rick still didn't feel bad. So maybe it had been inappropriate but when was the last time he or Carol had gotten to indulge? It'd been far too long. And if he had to pick anyone to have caught them, Abraham wasn't a terrible choice. The man was comfortable with all things crude, he'd probably gotten a laugh out of it too.
When Rick heard the other man get up and start walking towards the bathroom, his body moving so smoothly that Rick knew he'd been awake for awhile, that his eyes were too well adjusted to the dark, he felt Carol bury her face into his arm to muffle the sounds of her giggles.
"Sleep. We need to sleep." She said, not even whispering.
Rick knew she was saying the words for her own sake more than his. No longer did he need any proof that Carol hadn't needed what had just happened just as much as him.
When she grabbed the blanket that was beside her and threw it over their bodies, trying to get them both comfortable, Rick knew they'd be okay in the morning. Carol was a grown woman, fully aware of her own needs, fully capable of making her own decisions.
And judging by the way she patted his hand before giving his forearm one last rub, she'd decided that she'd made the right call.
"Goodnight." She whispered.
He didn't say anything back. He just gave her arm one more reassuring squeeze before shutting his heavy eyelids, finally giving into the sleep that he'd needed for so long.