L'Oréal, Because Sasuke's Worth It
Disclaimer: This is simply a parody, created from the unknown depths of my perverted mind. I do not claim ownership of Naruto © and its associated characters. They belong to Masashi Kishimoto & TV Tokyo.
Summary: A one-shot crack!fic with the crack!tastic pairing of Sasuke/His Hair. HS-setting; may include any of the following: OOC-ness, breaking the fourth wall, and best of all, CRACK!
Prologue
Sasuke Uchiha has everything that would make girls swoon when he walks by them (albeit he doesn't know or pretty much care about their existences) and guys jealous when he's surrounded by swarms of girls. He has money, fame, good grades, a great body, great looks, but best of all (and really, it's one of the few of his qualities that girls would die for), his duck-butt hair. –Suddenly, an army of rabid fangirls surrounds the magical barrier that is the fourth wall and threatens to kill the authoress unless she changed the description of the certain Uchiha's hair.–
Sasuke Uchiha's hair is nothing short of a piece of work (for lack of better terms). The front resembles that of a raven, and the back is simply gravity-defying. If Sasuke ever flips his hair, the softness of it all would create a black hole and suck everything in. But Sasuke's hair wasn't always so perfect. Yes, even though prodigious Uchiha has never had an extremely bad hair day (because Uchihas never have bad hair days), there was always something –an annoying factor can't be avoided– that will cause the Uchiha to have a bad hair day.
Its name was Naruto Uzumaki. This is the story of a boy and his hair.
The blasted alarm rang in annoyance as my droopy eyelids tried to get used to the blinding lights. Ugh, Uchihas don't need alarm clocks. Today was like any other day, boring, useless, unoriginal, etc.
"Sasuke-kun, are you up yet?! Don't make me get Itachi to go up there!" kaa-san's booming voice rang from below…Like 3 floors below.
I slowly trudged towards the restroom. Turning on the lights, I saw a reflection in the mirror. Hn. I'm now going to shove the authoress out of the restroom for some private time.
The authoress raised her voice in an attempt to make me feel guilty, "I SEE HOW IT IS SASUKE!"
30 minutes later
"Hurry up Sasuke!" the weasel's annoying voice reached my ears. Today, I would have to catch a ride with him because my car's in the body shop getting fixed. I walked towards his silver Volvo C30 (yes, the same brand that that stupid Cullen vampire guy has) and got in the front passenger's seat. My eyebrows twitched in annoyance as the weasel entered, smirking like the Uchiha that he is.
"Sasuke," he (should I use it instead?) said.
"Hn," I replied unemotionally.
"You know, girls aren't just gonna like you for your looks," the weasel coolly claimed.
"Hn," I yet again replied.
Another 30 minutes later
When we finally arrived at school, many cheerleaders stood outside the door, waiting for me to enter so they could cheer:
"Sasuke, Sasuke, he's our man! If he can't do it, no one can! Go, SASUKE!" –
– Which is usually followed by girls coming up to me screaming and wanting my autograph…
"KYAHHH! SASUKE-KUN!" or something along those lines.
I ignored their screams and cheers and hurried to my locker before the dobe could get there with his ramen cup. Unfortunately, I had the displeasure of having his locker next to mine's. I opened it up and found several red and pink envelopes. I pulled one out and it read,
"Dear Sasuke-kun (KYAH! I LOVE YOUR NAME! IT'S SO SEXY!). I hope you haven't already had a date for the Valentine's Day dance, because you know… –"
Shit. Was today Valentine's Day? I quickly took all the "love letters" and shoved them in Naruto's locker (because I know his combination like that). Hopefully, he won't mind. Unless he wants another mind rape, I would think he'd agree to this.
Speak of the dobe, and the dobe shall appear. He was noisily chewing his bubble gum as he walked down the hall, trying to look all gangster and shit. Hahahahah, Naruto, a gangster. Oh I crack myself up. And the weasel said I didn't have a sense of humor.
"Hey, teme! Do you have a date for the dance tonight yet?" his loud, obnoxious voice rang clear in my head.
"Why? Are you gonna ask me to be your date?" I smirked. Everybody knew he had a thing for me. We're all just waiting for him to come out of the closet.
"Pfft, as if, teme! I already got a date!" his abnormally large mouth managed to get those words out while noisily chewing gum.
"Let me guess, is it Gaara?" I coolly replied.
"Dude, I'm not gay, okay?! Effeminate, maybe. But not gay," the blonde profusely answered.
"Then why are you so defensive about it?" my eyebrows cocked in mockery.
"Teme! Another word about my sexual orientation out of you, and you're toast!" the blonde-haired dobe loudly threatened me. I smirked.
"Hn," I said with an air of arrogance, knowing whatever he was about to do, it was gonna hurt him more than it hurts me.
I inconspicuously coughed and performed a little ventriloquism, "Gay."
The blonde's nostril flared in anger as he spit out his gum into his palm, "Oh, you're gonna get it now!"
Suddenly, many pieces of gum from all around me flung themselves at my perfectly gelled hair. I tried to dodge them all, and I did, but unknowingly, one managed to stick on to my hair and began to…expand? Shit. I can't let anyone see me like this!
I quickly ran to the boys' bathroom while furtively, yet futilely, trying to keep the piece of gum from further expansion. When I finally reached the mirror, my whole head looked like I had Haruno's hair, an unattractively and effeminately bright shade of pink-colored hair. I screamed in anguish (in my head of course) while trying to pry the gum off. As I tried to pull off the gum, I quietly prayed to my hair, Please be okay, I promise I'll never take you for granted ever again!
After a few minutes of unsuccessfully pulling, I took out my Swiss Army Knife (I only carry it for emergencies) and began to do the unthinkable: cut of my hair, or at least the parts stuck in gum. As I cut away each piece of the gum, I swore that I would avenge my hair. The dobe…was going to pay.
When the unthinkable deed was finished, what was left of my hair was simply a mess, an unsightly, unkempt mess. I did what anyone would've done…I cut it all off. I'd rather have no hair than bad hair. I reached into my backpack and pulled out a black beanie with a visor and placed it in my now…bald head. My ego would be crushed if anyone saw me right now.
I stormed out of the boys' bathroom, looking for the dobe. Once I saw him, my hand immediately curled into a fist and I punched Naruto right in the gut. A gust of wind expelled from the mouth of the blonde as he tried to grasp the situation.
"What the hell are you doing, Sasuke?!" he coughed through heavy pants. "Are you crazy?!"
"You're dead," I stolidly said through my closed jaw.
Here we reach the end of our story. Simply said, neither of the boys attended the Valentine's Day Dance, one because of his ego, the other his body injuries. Many girls' hearts were broken that day, because they were all hoping to dance with the Uchiha. Many guys' hearts were joyously celebrating the fall of the Uchiha, while trying to be the poor girls' rebounds. Sasuke never forgave Naruto for what he did, but his hair did grow back, thanks to a little thing called L'Oréal. From that day forth, Sasuke vowed to never take his hair for granted again and to keep Naruto as far away from gum as possible.
The end.
HH: Well, that was surprisingly easy for somewhat of a crappy crack. Sorry if you guys hated it; I was trying my best. Plus, I'm going through a writer's block trying to finish my English essay.
Sasuke: But did you really have to make me bald?
HH: Hey, at least you had a beanie to hide it…And you did have a SAK...
Naruto: My gum! My precious gum!
HH: Naruto, if you swear off gum for good, I'll buy you a year's supply of ramen.
Naruto: Deal!
HH: -sighs- Remember to review!
Naruto: Who are you talking to?
HH: None of your business.
Dedicated to SasuSaku Forever and Ever, since her crack!fics crack me up so much.