Bernie chewed her lower lip as she considered how to proceed. If she wasn't careful, she'd make it bleed, but it had always been a nervous habit of hers. First day back on the job, back to AAU after a long absence. She wasn't quite sure how to face the day. The way shed left things had been about as far from cordial as it was possible to get.
She'd run out on something that had the potential to be amazing, she'd known it from the very first moment. Like the coward she was, she'd turned tail and run when things had started to get serious. Words like 'love' and 'want' had been thrown around and she'd panicked like blue arsed fly.
Not only had she broken her own heart, she'd hurt Serena in more ways than one. What they had started to build was fragile, Serena was new to it, and Bernie had thrown that trust straight back in her face. After all these years, she thought that she would know better, but apparently not. No matter whether she tried to do what was right or not, somebody always got hurt.
What she had done to Serena this time hadn't been what was right though. It has been an escape plan, a way to run from the feelings she just didn't want to dwell on. She'd felt herself starting to fall in love, and she hadn't known what to do. Being in love had always terrified her, she'd had an opportunity to run and bury her head in the sand and she'd taken it. The look on Serena's face had haunted her, all the way to the Ukraine and beyond.
She thought about it when she slept and when she worked and in every moment of her time. Although she'd promised to return leaving had been the hardest thing to do. For once she had wanted to stay, to be strong and brave, but even as she'd watched Serena's face crumple, even as she'd heard the panicked edge to her voice, she had needed an escape.
It made no sense. Since leaving, every second had been filled with her wanting to return. It seemed that she could run from Holby, but not from being immersed in the other woman. She had rather crept up on Bernie, one moment they were friends, the next, something closer and more intimate. Night after night she had dreamed about the other woman's smirk and dry wit. She'd found herself drinking enough Shiraz for two, just to make it feel like Serena was there.
Somehow, it had felt hopeless. She didn't think it would be possible to fix what she had done, not if the hurt look on the other woman's face had been anything to go by. The longer she was away, the less she could hope. Her placement had ended, but she hadn't left. Returning to the life she was building in Holby felt impossible. Realistically, she knew it was her being a coward again, but she couldn't face the music.
After all, what if Serena had moved on? They hadn't been in contact in the long months since she had left. She couldn't really blame Serena for it. She'd been rather adamant. Insisting that the other woman needed time and space, when really Bernie was the one who needed to be able to breathe again. Serena could have found a nice man, someone far better suited for her, she could be happy in someone else's arms. All because Bernie had pushed her away.
Then she had received an email, and everything had changed. She notified Hansen of her return and her bags had been packed within the hour. Within three hours she had boarded a plane. Within a day she'd been back in England, back in Holby, back to her life. She'd stopped running.
And so here she was, ready to face the music. Her lower lip doesn't leave her mouth once as she gets into the lift. If if we're medically possible she'd think her heart was about to jump out of her chest. Before she's prepared herself, before her mantra has finished running through her head, she's reached AAU. It feels like coming home, and she'll be damned if she doesn't have to admit how much she missed it.
There are people every where, at first no one really pays her even the slightest attention. She makes her way towards the office, hoping its empty, hoping she'll make it there without being noticed. She gets one of her two wishes.
No one notices her before she reaches the office. But it is occupies, by Serena Campbell no less. Her heart is in her throat and her palms are sweating more than a normal amount. She knocks and enters, clearing her throat as she goes. Serena looks up to die at, probably presuming its Raf or Fletch. She freezes with her mouth half open, before blinking slowly, several times, as though she can't comprehend what she's seeing.
Clearing her throat one again, Bernie shuts the door. It closes behind her with a click that is finality. Serena's eyes don't leave her as she deposits her belongings on her clean desk. She meets Serena's eyes, and she's surprised by the lack of anger in them, surprised at finding them so warm and welcoming, if slightly shocked. "Hello Serena."