Heart Burning
I-claim-not: I own nothing, certainly not the mind of Rei Hino or the mind, body or soul of any character in the Sailor Moon Universe. Or any universe, for that matter.
An introspective look at Rei's unfulfilled desires for Usagi.
I burn.
Fitting, since I am the very priestess of the fire element itself, but it is not a natural fire that burns within me. No, the flames that encircle my heart and reduce it to ash are from the pure, holy inferno sparked by true love.
The spark has been struck in two universes, two lifetimes, two destinies. Destinies that are depressingly similar. And so, I also burn – with rage. Not at the cause of my inner hell, and not at fate – I am consumed with rage at myself. For meekly trying to accept destiny. For not having the courage to tell her how I feel – in the Silver Millennium, Crystal Tokyo – anywhere at all. For every tear I have shed alone. For every dream shattered, every hope destroyed. There truly is no way for what I desire to ever be. It just isn't going to happen. Not here, not now, and not ever.
So instead, I must endure the flames of my passion alone. I burn so fiercely and brightly that I cannot believe my friends and fellow warriors haven't noticed it. They must be too wrapped up in their own bliss to see the obvious right before them.
I do not begrudge bliss. I burn, but I am not bitter. From the first cinder I knew it was hopeless – a quest unresolvable, a journey with no end. Yet within the flames, over the crackle and roar, is the wisp of a silent scream, fragile as smoke. It is my inner voice that dares ask questions my conscious self long lost the courage to utter.
Do I not deserve to be happy?
Do I not deserve to be fulfilled?
Do I not deserve… her?
Do I? I wonder. Why don't I do something about this burning? Just bust right out with a confession and see what happens? Am I that afraid of what they will think? What she will think?
Not as much as I'm afraid of what she might do.
I am terrified. I can't disrupt the harmony of a perfect future. Even if I must sacrifice my own future to ensure it is so. I can't have a future with her. She is too important, too vital to the continued balance. As long as everyone stays within their destined roles, peace and prosperity are assured.
No matter what the cost to their individual futures.
However, I am sure I am alone in this. No one could possibly have such a fixation on our Queen. No one else but me would dare covet the position of her King, both personally and professionally. No one would understand, and prosecution and humiliation would be swift.
No. I will not besmirch my Queen's honor. I will not bring her down with me. I will continue this struggle, unseen and unknown by everyone. I will continue burning.
Up until they light my funeral pyre. Then I will burn literally as well as inside. By then though, my struggle will be over. I will no longer be suffering in the flames of self-purgatory. I will be free from the flames – at least the flames I have known in life.
Whether I will burn on afterwards for my sinful, shameful desires that could ruin all lives but mine – that is a sentence I will have no difficulty accepting.
However it is I burn, be it for eternity or just in my spiritual heart, I know that either way I will never truly have this fire extinguished – it has charred marks into the very foundation of my soul – which is also made of fire.
Please, let me become the fire. Let it melt my flesh and bones until nothing but its heat and light are my air and water. Then, through this transcendence, I need never endanger the future. I beg you, let me become the fire.
Before the fire becomes me.