Star Trek: Voyager: When Omniscient, Omnipotent, Omnipresent Beings Attack
Captain Kathryn Janeway was not in the least bit amused by the sight before her. She had entered her ready room hoping to rejuvenate her weary mind and body with a strong jolt of caffeine, and instead found her replicator emitting smoke and an ear-splitting screeching noise. "Computer," she said wearily. "Cease replicator functions."
The computer's response was barely audible over the din, but Janeway had been expecting its reply, so it didn't matter if she fully heard it or not. "Unable to comply," the computer droned, its mechanical feminine voice aggravating her to no end. She stepped into the hallway, grateful for the instant decrease in noise as the doors slid shut behind her. "Janeway to Torres," she said.
"Moo."
"B'Elanna, how many times have I told you to stay out of the Doctor's secret hypospray stash?"
"Alien mongoose." The reply definitely didn't sound like her chief engineer, and then Janeway realized who had spoken.
"What do you want, Q-ball?" Janeway demanded as there was an overblown puff of bright orange smoke and the notorious Q appeared.
"My dear captain, it appears that your replicator isn't the most resilient of the bunch," Q replied.
"I thought the Q-Continuum had revoked your Star Trek storyline interference license," she stated flatly, hitting her commbadge again. "Janeway to Tuvok."
"Yes?"
"The Eccentric Master of Disaster has arrived. Again. He's-"
"No need to expound on that, Captain. I'll send down a Security team right away."
The captain sighed as she terminated the communication link and glanced at Q, but the anomaly of the Delta Quadrant had taken the opportunity to make himself elusive and hopefully (but Janeway wouldn't bet on it) also decided to go back to the Continuum where he belonged.
"Seven of Nine to Captain Janeway." The former Borg's tone of voice refurbished the knot of dread in her stomach that she thought had disappeared with the end of Q's last adventures.
"Yes?" the captain sighed.
"A man wearing a red silk robe just appeared in astrometry. Shall I shove him under this bed that has also spontaneously appeared?"
Janeway collapsed in a fit of coughing.
Back in astrometrics, Seven raised her Borg implant- er, eyebrow. "I might point out, Captain, that this is most unusual."
"Is it," Janeway said weakly.
"Yes. Lieutenant Paris does not appear to be involved."
There was what Seven interpreted to be stunned silence from Janeway.
Then…
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, Captain. The lieutenant is in Sickbay."
"Oh." Well, that's more normal.
"On his duty shift."
"Oh… he isn't… injured?" Never mind.
"No, Captain."
There was another pause.
"Has Lieutenant Torres been injured?"
"No, Captain. I believe she is more likely to injure than be injured."
Ah, Borg bluntness. "Perhaps… Well, I suppose I'll send Tuvok and a security team to Sickbay."
"You mean astrometrics, Captain."
"Well, yes, astrometrics, too."
"Captain."
"Yes?"
"The man in the robe wishes to touch my finger. Out of diplomacy, should I-"
"DON'T DO IT!!"
"Captain?" Seven asked quizzically.
"Seven, whatever you do, if you value your-"
"Captain, I feel the need to point out that he has now produced a puppy. What are the Federation guidelines regarding this?"
"The Federation guidelines," said the captain enthusiastically, "are to pat him on the head. The puppy, not the man," she added as an afterthought.
There was another pause.
"Captain? Please send Lieutenant Torres down to astrometrics."
"What for, Seven?"
"The puppy has let loose a stream of seemingly acidic liquid which is corroding my controls. Is this a canine defense mechanism of some sort?"
"… Seven," Janeway said. "Just… don't do anything I wouldn't do."
"Does that leave me very many options?" she wanted to know.
Q grinned at Seven of Nine, and snapped his fingers to make the puppy disappear. He lounged on the bed that was taking up mucho f astrometrics. "The puppy didn't do it for you?" he asked.
She stared at him curiously. "No?" she finally hazarded.
Q surveyed the Borg before him with leer. "Would you like," he said seductively, "some… coffee?"
The blonde bombshell wrinkled her forehead, perplexed. "I have no reason to ingest liquids at this time."
Q was no longer paying any attention, his focus somewhere over her left unitard-clad shoulder. "Ah! Lieutenant!"
Torres sighed and handed a garment to Seven.
"What's this?" Seven inquired without abandoning her perplexed state.
"Engineering smock," Torres said sagely. "Put it on." She reached for a bucket that she had set on the now-smoking console. "I suppose telling Q to clean this up wouldn't have any effect?"
The omniscient being in question stuck his nose in the air. "Very doubtful." He snapped his fingers again. "Interest you in some paper towels? A sponge, perhaps?"
"I think for my purposes, a bat'leh might be more effective," B'Elanna replied. "Got one?"
"BYOB," he said cheerfully, and then, "Speaking of which, where's Tommy?"
"In Sickbay," she answered, amiably enough. "Would you like to join him?"
"Hello, Tommy!" Q said.
"I don't know what's worse, seeing you or the Doctor," said Paris, taking his unexpected transportation rather well. "Hello, 'Lanna. You're looking lovely today."
"Which is very good, because she doesn't smell very pleasant at all," Q interjected, before B'Elanna could reply. She glared at him.
"Actually," Seven said helpfully. "That odor is the emission of the puppy you recently removed."
"Wait," Tom said, eyes widening. "There was a puppy?"
Q brought the puppy back, because he believed in being kind to dumb animals; Tom and the puppy went off in a corner to play fetch with B'Elanna's communicator. Meanwhile, Torres was contemplating whether it would be more satisfying to beat Q up for his crack or Tom for stealing her communicator; or rather, for letting his hand… linger… when he stole it.
After many calls from confused female crewmembers, Captain Janeway decided it would probably ultimately be better if she actually communicated with the troublemaker herself.
Another question nagged at her mind as she walked down the corridor.
What the heck happened to Tuvok?
"C'mon, Tuvok! Just one liddle ale?" pressured a slightly tipsy Harry Kim.
"Mr. Kim," Tuvok said impassively, because honestly, what other way would he say it? "I do not think that would be a prudent course of action."
"But Tuvok, how ELSE am I going to purge the memory of Q in a silk robe from my brain?" Harry whined, on the verge of panic.
"You could always 'engage in passive acts of Vulcan meditation'," Chakotay slurred, in what he thought was a passable impression of his Vulcan security officer.
"Indeed," Tuvok agreed, oblivious to the human nuance of sarcasm in Chakotay's voice. "But I do not see why me getting imbibed on alcohol should make you forget the image you are attempting to forget."
"Because then I can replace it with an equally disturbing image!" Harry informed him happily.
Chakotay narrowed his eyes at Harry. "Ensign, you TOLD me there was nothing going on between Paris and B'Elanna!"
Harry coughed himself into a brief moment of clarity. "That's what Tom told me," he said innocently, omitting the fact that Tom had finished the sentence with 'yet'. Also, he had been very wistful, but what the first officer didn't know wouldn't hurt him, right?
Meanwhile, back in Engineering, stuff exploded.
Back in Sickbay, the doctor wondered if it was possible for an omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent being to be physically injured by Lieutenant Torres. "Lieutenant Paris," he said. "If I may draw you away from the enjoyable companionship of the puppy, which no doubt you prefer by far to your duties in Sickbay, and ask you to keep B'Elanna from causing any destruction?"
"Don't worry, Doctor. I only want to hurt the all powerful today," B'Elanna reassured him.
"I get to follow B'Elanna around all day?" Paris said brightly.
If looks could kill, B'Elanna would have caused Tom Paris to be orbiting around the ship. Without a spacesuit.
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This started as an English assignment (hence the weird vocabulary words at the beginning.) Aeryka got stuck and Jen took over. This is what resulted.
Onward… to the next installment! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!