What good is sitting alone in your room?
Come hear the music play
Life is a cabaret, old chum
Come to the cabaret
-Cabaret, Liza Minnelli
She was running late. Badly, horribly, incredibly late. Going-to-blow-everything, grounded-til-she-was-103-years-old late.
Crap.
Any hope she had that she might have gotten away with it faded when Eduardo, who had literally been the doorman to her building for longer than she had been alive, greeted her with a sigh of relief and the easing of frown lines on his weathered face into something like a stern smile, as if he didn't know whether to be happy she was here or whether he might be permitted to chide her for worrying her parents.
"Miss Lily, it's good to see you home. Your parents have been asking about you," he said as he opened the door for her.
She met his eyes and tried not to look guilty. "Both my parents?"
His eyes twinkled. Eduardo had always had a soft spot for a sinner. "Both, yes."
She blew out her cheeks and stabbed the button for the elevator. "This is going to be awesome," she muttered sarcastically as the doors slid open. Behind her, Eduardo chuckled even as she heard him pick up the phone.
Traitor. He was calling her mom, she knew.
She hadn't meant to be late. Class was just so enthralling and she had stayed behind to ask for clarification on one of the things she had been learning. It was all so different from anything she had done before, and she was finding the new form of expression such a relief for all the pent up grief she still carried with her every day.
Lily bit her lip and swallowed back the tears burning in her eyes. Somehow, somewhere, she knew Gram was with her, especially at her new class. Gram had always understood her, and somehow breaking rules to do something that helped ease the profound sense of loss Lily carried with her seemed like something Gram would approve of wholeheartedly. Gram had been gone for almost 6 months now, but Lily still wanted to weep when she thought about it too long, and right now she didn't have time.
She needed a game plan.
She was Martha Rodgers' grandchild, for goodness sake. And while the acting gene may have skipped a generation in her dad, Lily knew she could be fairly convincing when she tried. The trick was to not overdo it. Shoot for innocent and apologetic.
Lily took another deep breath as the elevator doors slid open on her floor, schooling her features into a guileless expression as she fished her keys out.
"Hey! I'm home! Sorry I'm late," she called, even before the door was fully open.
Mom was on the near side of the kitchen counter, her hip propped against it, her arms folded, and her interrogation face on. Behind Mom, Dad was stirring dinner, a tea towel over his shoulder, a trying-hard-not-to-look-worried smile on his face.
Crap and double crap.
Her mother was sizing her up like some perp, but Lily had grown up learning all about interrogation techniques and was more or less immune to them, even Mom's. She raised an eyebrow, and smiled faintly. "Something wrong?" she asked, intentionally keeping emotion out of her voice.
"How was debate?" Mom countered, the question full of knowledge. Had Mom figured out she was cutting it? Darn.
But she wasn't going to show her hand first. "Fine," she said, managing to inject just a hint of why-are-you-asking into her tone.
Dad clattered a pan lid. Crap. They knew even that was a lie. She was in for it. Time for a tactical retreat. "Fun as this chat is, I have homework so I'll see you at dinner," she chirped, and made for the stairs.
"Lily Johanna Castle. Sit. Down," her mother's voice stopped her before she could get more than two steps up.
She froze.
Two heads popped up over the couch. Of course the little monsters were there for the show.
"OoooOOOOOooooh, Lil's in trouble!" Jake singsonged. Reece at least looked a little sorry for her, but even he was gawking.
"Boys, upstairs. We'll call you when dinner's ready," Dad spoke for the first time, his tone stern.
"Man, you're in for it," Jake crowed as he passed her.
"Between Mom and Dad, even Uncle Kevin and Tio won't be able to find your body," Reece added cheerily, and the pair stampeded up the stairs.
Lily slouched over to the stool her mother indicated, and stayed silent, waiting for Mom to speak first. Her mother was evidently doing the same, but Lily knew the tricks and simply waited.
She felt her parents exchange a glance, and finally it was Dad who spoke, his tone conversational.
"We ran into Mattie and his mother in the store on the way home," he said.
Crap. Well, that explained how they knew.
"He's captain of the debating team, isn't he?"
Lily stayed silent, even as everything she had put her heart and soul into for the past four months crumbled around her. So what if they knew? Good. It meant she could stop hiding it from them. Even if she couldn't keep going, she had a start, and there was always a chance that they would be out or working late and she could slip away anyway. She could practice at home, too. At least keep what she already had.
Mom slid into the seat next to her. "Lily, why haven't you been going to debate? You said you wanted to do it."
At that, Lily's head jerked up. "I never said I wanted to. You made me choose something. I never wanted anything to do with it."
Her parents exchanged another look, and her Mom asked more gently, "So what have you been doing? Lily, if you're getting into something that you don't feel you can tell us..."
Lily snorted. "Really, Mom? You know me. I get that you're a cop and you assume the worst, but I'm not doing anything wrong."
"How can we know that? You've been lying to us all semester," Mom flashed back, clearly upset. Dad came and bent over the counter so he was leaning on his forearms, and he reached one hand over to clasp Mom's, to quiet her. They always did that for each other, made things still when life got stormy. They had always done that for her, too, until Gram...
"Lily," Dad's voice stopped that thought, "We just want to know where you've been. Even if it is something bad. We can help, whatever it is. You've just been so distant for the last few months, and your Mom and I are worried."
She could resist every interrogation technique her Mom chose to pull out, but Dad's big, sad, blue eyes were impossible to resist. She reached out for Dad's free hand and clasped it between both of hers. "It's nothing bad, Dad. I promise. It's not drugs or alcohol or boys or sex or anything you guys are freaking out over. I'm not Rebel Bex like Mom. Maybe when I'm older," she finished with a sly grin at Mom, whose stern expression melted even as Dad beamed at her for the dig.
"Can't you tell us where you've been, then, Peanut?" Mom asked, and with the endearment, the last of Lily's defenses fell. They were going to find out anyway.
"That community centre a couple of blocks away from school. They have a hip-hop class on Tuesdays and Thursdays, at the same time as the debating team meets."
She felt her parents exchange another look, doing that shared brain thing they always did. Her father was the one to respond. "Sweetheart, don't you already have ballet on Mondays and Fridays and tap on Wednesdays? We wanted you to do an extracurricular activity that isn't dancing, spread your interests a bit."
"I don't want to do anything else, though. None of it helps. Even tap and ballet don't always, although I think they're starting to again," she said, not sure that she was explaining right.
"Help with what, Lil?" Mom asked.
The tears she had been fighting sprang into her eyes, rolling down her cheeks before she could stop them. "I know it's stupid, but it makes me not miss Gram so much when I'm dancing. She always understood more than anyone else why I wanted to dance. She said it was the same with her and acting, that it was my art. She never missed a single show until... until now. And now she's gone." Lily sucked in a deep breath as her mother's arms slid around her, but the dam had burst and she couldn't stop the flood of words. "Ballet and tap have so many rules. Hold yourself properly. Keep your hair in place. First position. Second position. With hip-hop, it's different. It's structured, but it's fluid. It lets you be angry and break the rules. And I know I'm terrible at it, I'm the only white kid in the class and I move like I've been doing ballet since I was four, but it helps. Gram used to love to break the rules. I just wanted to feel like I was just a bit like her."
Dad put down the towel he was holding, and came around the counter so that he could wrap both of them in one of his big bear hugs, the kind that had always kept the monsters out.
"I miss her, too, Lily," Mom said quietly. "Every single day. And your Dad misses her even more than me, I think."
She felt Dad nodding where his head rested on hers. "Martha Rodgers is a tough act to follow. But you're so like your mom, Peanut, we forget sometimes that you're also a Rodgers. And I think you're right – Gram would have loved that the first time we caught you sneaking out and cutting class was so you could try a different kind of dance. She was so proud of you, kiddo."
"Thanks, Dad. And I know I'm not the only one who misses her – that's part of what makes it hard to talk about. I don't want you to be sad, either," Lily admitted.
Dad drew back so that he could look her in the eye, and Mom took the opportunity to stand next to him, a united front. "Lily, I'm your dad. I love that you care enough to think of me, but it's my job to help when you're sad. It's your mom's, too. But keeping things from us is only going to make us worry."
"I'm sorry." She hung her head, and Dad kissed the top of it.
"You're forgiven. Although we will be having a further conversation about the dangers of not knowing your whereabouts at some point. Now, tell us about this class. When's the next one? Next week?"
"Uh huh."
"Mind if we come along and watch?"
She felt her cheeks heat up. "Only if you don't mind that I'm not very good. And I don't want the boys there. They'll just laugh."
Her parents looked at each other, having one of their silent conversations. Mom said "I can see if Grandpa would be up to taking the boys for the afternoon?" and Dad nodded.
"Okay, then. Let's call the boys down and get dinner going. Lily, will you please set the table?"
The following Tuesday, Lily found both her parents waiting for her on the street right outside her school. Bidding her friends good bye, she approached slowly, still not quite sure if she was in disgrace. Dad's chat the other night about the dangers of not knowing where she was after school had resulted in being grounded for two weeks, a punishment her better self knew was fair and even a little light. Still, they both smiled as she approached.
"Which way?" Dad asked eagerly, and as she indicated in response, the three set off together. Her parents asked her about her day and her friends as they walked, and the few blocks to the community center went by quickly.
As soon as they were inside, Lily headed for the bathroom. "I just have to change," she called. It was bad enough being the only white kid in the class without having to show up every week in her green Marlowe Prep uniform when all the other kids were in ordinary clothes from their public school. Most of the time she was proud of attending the school her big sister had gone to, but sometimes…
Once she was in dance-appropriate clothing, she came back out of the bathroom to find her parents already chatting to Aisha, her teacher. Lily hung back, wanting to catch some of their conversation before they noticed her.
Aisha was talking. "...I don't mind telling you, Mr. and Mrs. Castle, just how exceptional your daughter is. She's still mastering the basics, yes, but she's a born dancer, and I hope you will allow her to continue."
"She seemed a little worried that she doesn't really fit in here…" Dad began, but Aisha smiled.
"They're just not used to seeing a private school uniform. They'll get used to her. Just give them time. They're a warm-hearted bunch, and I can guarantee you that by the time Lily has caught up to them ability-wise, she will have made some fast friends." Aisha glanced up then, saw her hovering, and gave her a bright, reassuring smile. "I see your secret's out, Lily. Ready for action? The other kids are all in there already. Mr. and Mrs. Castle, this way," she said, holding the door open.
Lily handed her Mom her backpack and went to join her classmates, most of whom ignored her. That was okay. She knew she didn't fit in here, but at least Aisha didn't seem to mind her presence. But… one girl about her age, and a younger boy with her, smiled shyly, and slipped into the places beside her in the second row. Aisha pointed Mom and Dad to a handful of chairs at the far end of the room, before calling the class to order and beginning them with warmups and stretches - different ones to her ballet class but still important.
Then the music started, and everything else fell away.
5 Years Later
"Tell us about your audition piece."
"My grandmother was Martha Rodgers, the actress. She passed away when I was just 13. In this piece, I have tried to capture the essence of who she was - always full of life and vivacity, wisdom won from hardship, and a refusal to let anything get her down."
"Thank you. Begin when you're ready."
She got into position, taking a deep breath before nodding at the technician to press play. The music was Liza Minnelli's Cabaret, remixed over a beat by a friend from her hip hop class who had a real flair for putting a new spin on old music. Turns out that once they got past her private school uniform and she got past her initial shyness, some of her classmates had become lifelong friends. The dance had elements of all her training - Broadway and tap were in there, of course, but overall it was a mashup of ballet and hip hop that, with the music, combined into something truly unique. And above all, there was Lily, lost in the music, putting her heart and soul into portraying the larger-than-life Grand Dame she still missed every day.
There was a moment of silence when she was finished, and she was grateful. She had forgotten where she was as she danced, and now took a moment to collect herself before moving to the front of the stage to face the panel before her. Clasping her hands in front of her to stop them from shaking, she fought the urge to run back home and hide under her Mom and Dad's bed, like she had when she was a child. Surely, surely, she had done enough? Was Gram smiling down on her? Swallowing her nerves, she lifted her eyes to the waiting panel.
The man in the center exchanged looks with his colleagues on each side. Taking off his glasses, he spoke slowly.
"Miss Castle, obviously I can't give an official statement yet, you will have to wait for your acceptance letter from the college, but… unofficially? Welcome to Juilliard."
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