12:47. The clock ticking on the wall called out to Nagisa, staring down at her in unforgiving intensity. I can't anymore. I need sleep. She let one hand rake back through her messy red tresses and closed her eyes, trying to fight her exhaustion but slowly coming to terms with the fact that resistance is futile. In her lap and scattered all around her on the couch and coffee table were books and stacks of paper of varying sizes, causing her small living room to look like the back-end of an abused library. Clearly she was studying, or at least trying to. Her thoughts had been more scattered as of late, though she couldn't quite figure out why. She eventually chalked it up to restless sleep cycles caused by strange dreams. She could never quite remember any details, but her lingering grief whenever she woke up disturbed her deeply.
After tapping her pencil against the page in front of her a few times in an attempt to regain her focus, she finally gave up and flung the pencil at the wall in frustration, successfully breaking the offending object. I'll have to get up early to cram. Once she stood up and gave a long and well deserved stretch to her body, she took a step towards the light switch, but quickly halted her intended action as a knock from the front door rang through the otherwise quiet room. It had been storming all day and night, water flowing through the streets like small rivers and thus the young woman was not expecting company on this night of all nights. Eager to get rid of the intrusion and make her way to bed as soon as possible, Nagisa stepped over to the door and plucked it open.
As soon as she had, she wished she hadn't.
"No! Forget it!" She growled sternly at the intruder and started closing the door, but was obstructed by the six inch heel of a black leather boot jamming itself between the door and its frame.
"Please? Don't be like this..." The voice coming from the other side of the door was silky, but not too sweet, as it tried to coax the red head into reconsidering her course of action. Nagisa could feel her resolve crumbling already and had to force herself to quickly slide the chain onto the door to at least stymie the other woman's invasion of her apartment.
"I'm tired. I can't deal with your bullshit tonight. I have an exam tomorrow afternoon, for eff's sake!" Nagisa seemed to tremble as she tried her damnest to steel herself for the always inevitable confrontation. This dance was a repetitive one and she already knew what to expect. Not that it ever helped.
When silence ruled for an unusually long time, Nagisa finally risked a glance through the crack of an opening that the chain on the door allowed. There stood Shizuma in the hallway, expression calm but dull green eyes pleading with her ex-girlfriend. Her silver mane, which had recently been trimmed to more manageable lengths, stuck to her face and neck while dripping water to the floor, clearly from getting caught in the rain. Her physique of sensuous perfection was clad in dark skinny jeans and a female's biker jacket that was zipped up to just below her chin. And those boots with their silver clasps, buckles and zippers; they made Nagisa think of a BDSM-style corset, only for feet and legs. She loved those boots too much, and Shizuma knew it. However, the most unmissable thing about Shizuma's appearance was the cut and bruised lip she sported.
"Oh, I know this one." Nagisa's eyes narrowed accusingly at her former lover before she continued. "You got drunk, depressed and lonely and zoned in on the most unavailable woman in the room, because deep down you really do want to get your ass kicked; punished for your mistakes. And your biggest mistake is letting me go, so that's why you're here now. I've heard it all before, Shizuma."
Shizuma winced at Nagisa's unforgiving words, though the wincing motion only brought more pain to her busted lip and it showed in her expression. "I know I don't deserve your sympathies, but please... I'm begging you..." She leaned her head against the door frame, wet strands of silver hair only slightly obscuring her emerald eyes, allowing her to pull off her trademark sexy-but-wounded look. "Let me in..."
Every time Shizuma asked Nagisa to 'let her in' it was like ripping open the scars left by her on Nagisa's heart and forcing her way through. It was emotional rape every single time, and it has left Nagisa unable to put herself out there for anyone else. And yet she kept taking the beatings, as she already knew this time would be no different. Shizuma had a hold on her that she could not deny with any part of her being. How tragic, that her first love was likely to not only be her last, but the very cause of her destruction.
One click and a deep sigh, then the door swung open to allow Shizuma entry.
You let me violate you. You let me desecrate you. You let me penetrate you. You let me complicate you.
-
Shizuma came to stand in front of the younger woman after closing the door behind her, confident in her ever broken state. She reminded Nagisa of an ancient wonder like the pyramids or the wall of China - so full of cracks and yet still so magnificent. Shizuma's presence was strong enough to be felt through a concrete grave, and it turned Nagisa's insides to mush and her legs to jelly. It was amazing how so much and yet so little had changed between them since their first ever meeting.
Silently Shizuma stepped closer and lifted her hand to stroke a few fingers down Nagisa's cheek, before coming to rest on her jaw and lifting it so that their lips could meet in the softest brush of a kiss possible. However, the unwelcomed shot of electricity Nagisa felt from the simple touch was enough to make her jerk her head back and turn away from the goddess that still carried her bloodied heart around in her pocket. Searing pain bubbled up in the pit of her stomach and she tried her best to remove herself from the situation by leaving the room. "I'll get you a towel..." was her meek excuse.
Shizuma glanced around her briefly as she unzipped her jacket and flung it over the back of the nearest chair, leaving her torso covered by an equally soaked wine-red wifebeater. As she glanced about the room, she spotted a photo frame on a side table and studied the two youthful faces it held. Nagisa and Tamao during their sixth year at Miator; clearly better days judging by their genuine smiles. The silver-haired beauty's eyes narrowed somewhat, and she casually tipped the frame to lay face-down on the wooden surface of the table. Tamao came very close to snatching her beloved away from her recently, though Nagisa likes to point out the fact that they are not a couple anymore. Shizuma knew Nagisa was hers and always would be. She knew there was a deeply unsettling connection between them that could not be broken, no matter how many women she sleeps with or how many times Tamao tries to save Nagisa. Nagisa will always let Tamao down, just like she had most recently. Shizuma smiled like the cat that got cream at recalling her latest victory over the blue-haired girl.
"What's your plan, Shizuma?" Nagisa interrupted her train of thought as she re-entered the room and handed a clean towel to Shizuma, her gaze unwittingly drifting over Shizuma's exposed and glistening arms and shoulders. She groaned inwardly at how her heart drastically picked up its pace.
"Mind if I take a shower and maybe crash here? Some ice for my lip would also be nice." Nagisa marvelled at how nonchalant Shizuma could be in her requests, as if they were long-time friends and the answer would be 'but of course!' The actual situation was entirely different and it showed in the vexed expression on the younger woman's face.
"No, Shizuma. Don't act as if this is okay, as if this is acceptable. You can get yourself cleaned up while I phone you a cab." To say that Nagisa was on edge would be an understatement and Shizuma knew by experience that now would be the time to tread lightly.
She quickly stepped over to block Nagisa's way to the telephone. "It wasn't because of a woman." Desperation spoke quickly.
"Oh whatever."
"I swear. I challenged some arrogant asshole's prowess in business and in bed after he mouthed off about lesbians. I made it clear to him that I was better at both, despite my sexuality. He lost it, too drunk to restrain himself. However, he quickly fled when I dropped the family name. How pathetic is that?" Shizuma's tone quickly morphed from explanatory to mocking by the time she reached the end of her retelling of the evening's events, and the nuance was not lost on Nagisa.
"This was another tirade against the Hanazono name? When are you going to realise that you can't sever family ties with flesh wounds?" Nagisa sighed sadly at her former partner, remembering the days they were both still at Miator, when Shizuma didn't yet have to carry the burdens that came with being a Hanazono. But out here in the real world, she dealt with the pressure recklessly, often leading to self-destructive behaviour. Nagisa knew that Shizuma hated herself because of her last name, but that at the same time it was her lifeline and she would never give it up. So, sometimes, she tried hopelessly to beat it into submission.
Shizuma scowled at Nagisa's unnerving ability to lay her soul bare at every turn and was quick to snap. "You know I don't appreciate your attempts at psychoanalysing me. You forget you're only a student." She accused vehemently while motioning to the papers and books strewn about.
"And yet I still have a better understanding of you than you have yourself!" Nagisa was equally defiant in her retort, which made Shizuma stop and stare at the fiery young woman for a few moments. Nagisa had grown up beautifully and Shizuma could not deny her increased attraction to the resolute red-head. She looked similar in appearance to the 15-year old that Shizuma had first fallen in love with, but in the last five years she had become more of a woman when regarding her slight increase in height and the comfortable curves she now carried. Her red hair was slightly darker and their modern cut allowed a lengthy fringe that framed her sharper features perfectly. She was the girl next door, glowing with mature innocence, and Shizuma was the wild rebel that broke her spirit.
Help me - I broke apart my insides. Help me - I've got no soul to sell. Help me - the only thing that works for me, help me get away from myself.
"Then, if you know I can't do this without you, why do you keep rejecting me?" Shizuma miraculously managed to look both desperate and defiant in the same instance, which was a perfect mirror to both her own shattered sense of self, as well as Nagisa's shattered and torn emotions. As much as Nagisa fought against it, they both knew she was a sucker for Shizuma. However, they were both also painfully aware that Shizuma was, at the same time, utterly addicted to Nagisa.
"It's you that keep rejecting me, Shizuma! You reject me every time you reject your natural commitment to me and run off to lose yourself in some other woman's arms, because it's just easier. The anonymity is easier than an honest promise of self. You've become so good at rejecting and reeling in your own family name as it suits you, that it has spilled over into all other facets of your life. You can't promise yourself to me because you don't even know who you are…" Nagisa, in a pained voice and hurt expression, proved that her maturity far exceeded Shizuma's. Her words lodged in the back of Shizuma's mind in order to torture her subconsciously, as all things Nagisa usually did. Shizuma had become so used to the constant flow of pain that the very thought of Nagisa brought, that she had started feeding off of it as if she needed it to stay alive.
"Then, if this is really just a struggle between me and my family name, help me fight it!" Shizuma pleaded hopefully, stepping closer to stand before her love, despite the circumstances that dictated that she was not her love anymore.
"But it's not, Shizuma. It may have started out as just that, and god knows I tried to help you back then, but it's spun out of control." Nagisa wiped away a stray tear as memories of happier times flashed through her mind, memories of how she was still able to lift Shizuma from the recesses of depression after she had begun her training and grooming as the heir to the metaphorical Hanazono throne. "When are you going to realise that I can't save you? When are you going to realise that it's you that needs to step up?"
Shizuma lowered her gaze thoughtfully, stubbornly fighting Nagisa's words as she mulled over them in her head, but soon she snapped her head back into place. Clearly the acknowledgement of her inner turmoil lost out to the pertinence of her desire, because indeed sex was just simply easier than introspection. "What if I step up right now? Would you let me?" Her green eyes were soon again gleaming at Nagisa with an otherworldly quality to them, which made the younger woman swallow uncomfortably. Shizuma slowly stepped closer, her movements cat-like in nature as if zoning in for the kill.
"Shizuma...don't. That's not what I meant..." Nagisa was exhausted from keeping her guard up around the platinum beauty, and on nights like these when Shizuma was at her most determined, Nagisa never stood a chance. All she could do was to resort to pleading.
"Then..." Shizuma needed only another two steps to come to stand before the girl, and another two to have the smaller female's back against the wall. "What DO you mean, Nagisa?" Her tone was venomous, her stare unnerving, and Nagisa was completely unarmed by the time Shizuma reached for her wrists. "Because I..." Shizuma started as she lifted one of Nagisa's wrists above her head, soon followed by the other as she continued: "Am sick and tired of trying to figure this out!" With Nagisa now fully pinned against the wall, Shizuma shifted her weight onto the smaller woman to add to the pressure that Nagisa was finding to be ridiculously tantalizing. "Why must it be so hard," Shizuma breathed lowly, "when I only want one...simple...thing...?"
I want to fuck you like an animal. I want to feel you from the inside. I want to fuck you like an animal. My whole existence is flawed. You get me closer to God.
Nagisa had half a mind to ask, but she already knew the answer. "Just take it." She spat the words up at the older woman, her voice breaking and near-breathless. "You always do. You never ask. Just fucking do it already and get it over with…" She was tired of the game and she was emotionally exhausted from Shizuma's pushing and pulling. It was time to end it for the night. She closed her eyes and held her breath, waiting, burning up with a volatile mixture of hate, love and lust.
Shizuma let her one hand hold Nagisa's wrists pinned up above her head, allowing the other to rake surprisingly sharp fingernails over the younger woman's collar bone, then finally allowed overly-eager fingers to wrap firmly around her throat. "Do you mean your heart…or your body, my love?" The silver-haired goddess purred like a cat in heat.
"What? Now you're going to try and convince me that you're not here for just another fuck?" Nagisa's eyes shot open and she licked her lips, almost surprising herself at her possessed vocabulary when in Shizuma's arms. She struck a nerve, however. Shizuma's eyes narrowed dangerously as her fingers tightened their grip on Nagisa's throat, causing an extra red shade to colour the girl's cheeks.
"I know that's what you think of me; all that you believe I'm capable of – fucking." She clenched her jaw as she stared at the girl's lips only a few inches from her own. "Why not prove you right? Wouldn't it make you happy to know you were right about me?" Another dangerous squeeze was delivered to Nagisa's now constricting throat as Shizuma let her tongue extend to the woman's hot flesh and slowly ease its way across her flushed jaw. "At least I'm good at it…" She growled deeply into the younger one's ear once she had reached it.
And she was most definitely right. Shizuma was as good at sex as she was at repressing her emotions, and the two tied in together like lace cut from the same cloth. Saying 'I love you' meant nothing to Shizuma unless it was said in the heat of passion. Nagisa always claimed that it was because Shizuma never truly grasped the concept of true love. However, Shizuma argued the opposite, stating that the only way to gauge whether those three little words were said in honesty was when they were uttered at the point where all control was offered up to the object of one's affection. It was this inconsistency in their differing opinions that lead to a lot of heated arguments and a lot of pure unadulterated sex when they were still together, and even after they had parted ways. It was this very issue that was weaving its intoxicating spell in this moment.
Need. Desire. Love. Lust. Sex. Hate.
"Whatever makes you feel better, my love." Nagisa's words were strained from the grip that Shizuma had on her, but in no way did it lessen her impudence, especially concerning the way she emphasised the last two words in such a sickeningly sweet way. "Use me. Do it well." She purposefully turned it into a challenge, knowing full well the effect challenges had on Shizuma, especially those driven by some moral dilemma such as the one she knew Shizuma was experiencing somewhere deep inside of her.
The frustration was aflame in the older woman's eyes and it made Nagisa crack a cheeky smile, just to add insult to injury. Shizuma quickly wiped the smile off the younger girl's face, however, as she covered her lips with her own; not kissing, but devouring. Her hungry affection soon turned violent as she drew Nagisa's bottom lip into her mouth and clamped down on it with her teeth, sucking the sensitive skin until it made the red-head moan in a mixture of pain and pleasure. The sound made something break inside the goddess. "Fuck you!" She hissed as she pulled back from her lover and released her hold, leaving the girl leaning breathlessly against the wall while Shizuma herself spun around to hide her distressed expression.
Nagisa let her one hand tentatively rub the burning skin of her throat before fingering her throbbing lip, eyes fixed on the silver-haired woman's back, heart pounding with a deeply nagging sense of need. She felt cold physically as much as she did emotionally. She was craving the heat Shizuma provided, as much as she despised it. "Just let it go, Shizuma…" She sighed and resisted the urge to close the distance between them with great difficulty. "All the theatrics, all the protestations, all of your goddamn stubbornness! Just let yourself go!" Nagisa wanted to provide Shizuma with the push she always needed, the push to break down the walls she kept around her to separate her feelings from her actions. It served her in her demanding professional life, but Nagisa refused to stand for it when Shizuma brought it into their broken relationship. Yet she knew that Shizuma struggled to make the distinction.
"You know I can't." Shizuma's voice was shaky as her head remained hanging low.
You can have my isolation. You can have the hate that it brings. You can have my absence of faith. You can have my everything.
"Then let me remind you… One last time…" Nagisa sighed and uttered tenderly, slowly but confidently stepping closer to her lover. "And my love, I promise this will be the last time… I'll remind you that you can…" Soon Shizuma could feel small fingers gently slide onto her hips as Nagisa spoke, their warmth in stark contrast with her own still wet and cold skin. They slowly travelled upwards and took the soaked shirt with them, exposing bit by bit the tantalising milky flesh that has sustained Nagisa's desire through numerous lonely nights. Instinctively Shizuma raised her arms above her head and allowed the smaller girl to remove the garment completely, then watched as it dropped to the floor to her side. She felt her insides start to melt and trickle from her body, the resulting fluid seeping into her underwear. She closed her eyes slowly, and tried to let go of herself, let go of the defence mechanisms, let go of the fear, let go of everything that was keeping her separated from the woman she truly loved.
Help me - tear down my reason. Help me - it's your sex I can smell. Help me - you make me perfect. Help me become somebody else.
A throaty moan escaped the younger of the two women as she bit down on her older lover's shoulder, eyes closing almost as tightly as her thighs around the silver-haired goddess's hips, sensational pain shooting up her spine in rapid bursts. "Does that hurt?" Shizuma asked breathlessly, her face buried in Nagisa's hair, the scent a mixture of shampoo and sweat.
"Not enough…" Nagisa growled in return and shoved Shizuma off of her naked body, summoning her hidden strength and successfully flipping the larger female onto her back, the sudden urge to take control overwhelming the red-head. "Now shut your mouth and do as I say…"
Nagisa's change in demeanour caused such a thrilling sensation in Shizuma as she had never felt before, her emerald eyes widening as her shoulders got pinned down to the matrass and Nagisa climbed on top of her, tightly straddling her hips. The woman was clearly not used to being forced into the submissive role, her confusion at her situation rolling in mixed expressions across her face as her young lover's hips started to move, grinding their dominant passion right into the core of Shizuma's being. She opened her lips in an attempt to protest, but was quickly subdued by Nagisa's fingers hooking into her mouth, enforcing her command for Shizuma to stay silent.
"You don't always have to be in control, my love…" Nagisa moaned out lowly as she arched her back, with eyes, darkened by feral desire, glaring down at her lover. "Let go and watch how things turn out just fine…" Nagisa's fingers curled up against Shizuma's shoulders in that instant and her nails could be felt against the slick skin. Before long they were scoring deep red lines right down the front of the older one's body, painfully marking their territoty and leaving Shizuma to groan in ecstatic pain.
No moonlight filtered through the window that night; the rain beating its relentless rhythm against the glass, allowing little streams to cascade against the hard substance. The same scene was playing out in Nagisa's bed as the night drew on; two naked bodies writhing in perfect unison, moving to the melodic rhythm of their own cries of pleasure. A point existed where their humanity faltered and gave way to pure animalistic instinct that drove their near-violent exhibitions. In their most feral form they performed the sacred ritual that pleased their natural gods and was in turn blessed with fiercely vigorous ardour to perform their desires with.
"Let go, Shizuma…let…go…" Nagisa groaned into her lover's ear before flicking the tip of it into her mouth and trapping it between her teeth. She had bruised and beaten the goddess this night, left her ragged and in ruins, and now she wanted to put her back together again. As she stretched her milky skin over the older woman's naked back she revelled in the way their perspiration allowed unfettered movements during their erotic dance. Very soon her small fingers were curled into the back of Shizuma's silver mane and she pulled her head back forcefully as if putting the brakes on the horse she was riding. "Nagisa!" Shizuma gasped her young lover's name in surprise as she cocked her head back and bit down on her bottom lip when she felt the heat start to accumulate in the deepest crevices of her body. While her one hand kept Shizuma in place, the other hand took her places she had never been before, working their skilful, magical ministrations between the clenching thighs of the goddess.
"Let go…" Nagisa whispered in earnest to match her frantic movements, the words coming out of her dry lips in a low hiss.
"Nagisa…" Shizuma whined throatily in response, her vision going dark even with her eyes wide open.
"Shizuma…" The smaller red-head urged her lover onward with her own pleasurable little whimpers.
"I…love…you…!" Shizuma's body grew rigid and then lost itself in the shaking tremors that could be felt by Nagisa as they rippled through her lithe goddess once she finally reached that supreme level of ecstacy.
I want to fuck you like an animal. I want to feel you from the inside. I want to fuck you like an animal. My whole existence is flawed. You get me closer to God.
When the morning dawned it was surprisingly bright and Nagisa was awakened by a particularly sharp ray of sunlight piercing her ember eyes behind their lids. The sudden realisation that she had an exam awaiting her made her jump out of bed in haste, only to pause when she suddenly felt undeniably naked and turned around to glance at her empty bed. Was it a dream?
Shizuma was predictable in her fickle behaviour and comprised such a beautiful paradox in her own right. Nagisa had not been completely surprised when she found the woman having pulled her normal disappearing act the morning after a steamy night. However, she did hope. She knew she shouldn't have and that hope was a precious thing always inevitably wasted on Shizuma, but she was helpless to not let hope string her along and tug on her heartstrings time after time.
Her thoughts drifted between the facts she had studied and the goddess that drove her obsessions as she walked out of her exam later that afternoon, unable to shake the aching feeling of loss and yearning that burdened her. She could not deny that it had been an incredible night and that the lack of sleep and study time had been well worth it. But she also simultaneously hated that fact. She didn't want to want Shizuma, didn't want to need her, didn't want to be so haunted by her. She didn't want to open herself to the emotions Shizuma fed her because, as the emerald-eyed woman had yet again proven that morning, she would just turn and disappear once she had had her fix, leaving Nagisa feeling utterly empty and alone.
Her book bag hit the floor of the train with a thud as she dropped it next to her seat, then slumped down onto the uncomfortable bench with her head automatically coming to rest in her hands. It had been a long day and there was a merciless headache creeping up on the red-head that she hoped would hold back on killing her at least until she got home. Her sleepy eyes lost their gaze in random space, but a distinct scent filled her nostrils and yanked her mind back into focus soon enough at recognising the almost ethereal presence of someone she knew. Lifting her head to study the faces of the other people in her subway car, she could soon feel sharp pains shooting through her chest as she met the glinting emerald gaze of her lover.
Shizuma was seated a few feet away and watching Nagisa with a satisfied little smile on her lips and Nagisa soon realised that Shizuma must have been following her around. She couldn't understand why and found herself surprised by the platinum-haired beauty for a change. It was that pleasant surprise that renewed her sense of hope yet once again as she continued to stare silently at the object of her affection. She couldn't deny it; the woman made her stomach churn with excitement.
The whole ride was filled with silence between the two as they remained seated apart, communicating wordlessly with their gazing. There were no threats, no challenges, no glaring hatred nor hateful desire. Just simple acknowledgement of the other's existence; and it was enough. The late afternoon sun slowly turned to dusk and darkened as their ride came to an end at Nagisa's stop, which would double as Shizuma's stop for the evening as well. Nagisa stood and slung her bag over her shoulder, then turned to observe Shizuma who had silently approached the younger woman and was waiting for her to take the lead onto the platform.
The few blocks' trip to Nagisa's apartment was further spent in their quiet manner, with one small exception. Some steps down the first street had seen Shizuma slip her hand into Nagisa's and maintain the hold tenderly, which Nagisa contently reciprocated as she intertwined their fingers and they continued on their journey. The cool evening air surrounding them seemed sweet and innocent about them. Things were simple. Things just felt right.
"I don't want to run anymore." Shizuma spoke softly once they reached Nagisa's front door, turning to face her young love and refusing to let go of her hand. She lifted Nagisa's fingers to her lips and pressed and gentle kiss to them, then let go of a soft sigh that sent cool air cascading over the younger woman's skin. "All I do is run in circles and I always end up here – at your door. I can no longer see the point in running when I always run to you in the end." She mustered a hopeful smile as she watched Nagisa with an expectant glimmer in her eyes.
"I always hope for this, Shizuma. How do I know that this time it won't be in vain?" Nagisa frowned, the look captured in her own eyes bespeaking her confusion and her fear. She was well aware of the fact that they needed each other; that they will always need each other. But she had to wonder whether the need will overcome the obstinate will.
Shizuma's reasoning was simple, and she gave it with a smile: "Because you're the reason… Everything I do, everything I don't do, everything I achieve and everything I mess up – it's all because of you in some way. The only way I can survive is to live in harmony with my love for you. And I want to do that. You've reminded me how to live, and I fear that without you I will die…"
Nagisa summoned as much courage as she could manage and pushed her fears aside. She could not worry about Shizuma's obstinate will if she planned on submitting to her own. She would not be a hypocrite, and she would not live in regret. Besides, what was one more attempt at happiness when you were bound to someone for life no matter what? There was no choice, just acceptance.
"I love you. Don't make me regret it…" Nagisa sighed and smiled up at her goddess. Her goddess. She couldn't help but be proud of that fact. Silence further ushered them into the apartment, and the door closed on a troubled past, only to open up to a new beginning.
Through every forest, above the trees; Within my stomach, scraped off my knees; I drink the honey inside your hive - You are the reason I stay alive