An Interview with Harley Quinn, a suicide squad fanfic

AN: Hi guys! This is just a small oneshot inbetween. It's something new I felt like trying out and I'd really like to know what you think.

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An Interview with Harley Quinn

Harley Quinn, Gangster Queen of Gotham City and longterm girlfriend of the infamous Joker has taken some time to speak with me after such a popular demand from our readers. We met in a secret location and spent a pleasurable hour together. The young woman is confident, relaxed and very friendly.

Leila: Let's start with something easy. How are you feeling today?

Harley: Great. I feel great everyday.

Leila: What does your typical day look like?

Harley: I get up late, eat breakfast, do some work around the house and then usually go to the club from nine to five or six.

Leila: What kind of breakfast do you eat?

Harley: I try to eat healthy, but Mr. J. usually ruins that plan.

Leila: What does he like to eat for breakfast?

Harley: He usually talks me into making pancakes for him and then I end up eatin' them as well.

Leila: What do you do in the club?

Harley: I dance and make sure our guests have good time. It's the best job I ever had.

Leila: What was your worst?

Harley: While I was a student I worked in retail. That was horrible. Sometimes the customers were really mean.

Leila: While you were studying Psychology?

Harley: Yes.

Leila: Did you like being a psychiatrist?

Harley: Yeah, it was ok.

Leila: How would you describe your life before meeting the Joker?

Harley: It was so borin'.

Leila: How come?

Harley: Things just had no meanin'. I lived my life the way everyone else does, but I wasn't...I wasn't myself. Not really.

Leila: And now you are?

Harley: Yes.

Leila: When we announced that we would be doing this interview with you we were sent many questions by many people. And since we can't ask you all of them we sorted them to see which question came up the most and the topic people are most interested in is your relationship with the Joker.

Harley (laughs): Ok.

Leila: You don't have to answer them if you don't want to. So one question which was asked many times was: When did you fall in love with him?

Harley: Oh wow...that's a tough one. (pauses) I think it was when we first met and I was his psychiatrist, but I'm not sure. I didn't realize I was in love with him after our first meetin'. I liked him, I loved goin' to work, but I thought it was because we were gettin' along and I was helpin' him. I didn't get that I was fallin' in love with him. So, yeah for me it was love at first sight, but I didn't know.

Lelia: When did you know?

Harley: When he tortured me.

Leila: Did you enjoy it?

Harley: No, but I knew that everything would be ok. I trusted him and that's when I knew I loved him.

Leila: Do you know when he fell in love with you?

Harley: When he saved me in the Chemical Vat.

Leila: The 'Daddy'-thing...whose preference was that?

Harley: His! He started it and now it's stuck.

Leila: Do you know his real name?

Harley: Yes.

Leila: Will you tell us?

Harley: No.

Leila: People want to know what you and the Joker did on your first date.

Harley: Well, our first date was after he escaped from Arkham. We spent the entire night tellin' each other jokes to keep the other person awake. (Giggles). That was funny.

Leila: This question was in every mail we received: What is sex with the Joker like?

Harley (laughs): There is no right way to answer that. If I say good, he'll say what do you mean it's only good?! And if I say it's the best sex I've ever had he'll want to know who I'm comparin' him to.

Leila: So what is your answer?

Harley: Well, what is sex with your boyfriend or husband like?

Leila: Ok, next question. Have you two ever broken up?

Harley: Not really. There were times when we fought so bad that I moved out for a while, but we were never broken up. Not really.

Leila: What did you fight about?

Harley: Usual things. Jealousy, stupid arguments about housework, he works too much and hasn't got enough time for me...you know things like that.

Leila: What kind of a roommate is he?

Harley (laughs): We used to fight about the mess in our house all the time, but since we got a maid, things are better.

Leila: What is the most romantic thing he's ever done for you?

Harley: When I came out of prison I had problems eatin' normally again. And he said if I can't eat then he shouldn't be able to either, so he wouldn't eat anythin' at all, until I could. That was pretty neat.

Leila: What is the worst thing he's ever done to you?

Harley: I don't want to answer that.

Leila: Sorry.

Harley: No. It's just that...if I tell you what the worst thing he's ever done is, then I have to tell you what the worst thing is I ever did. (laughs). And I don't want to do that!

Leila: This is a very personal question, but it came up a lot. There have been many rumors and there were many speculations. (pauses). Was there a baby?

Harley (after a pause): Yes.

Leila: And you lost it?

Harley: It's gone.

Leila: Other questions I heard a lot are about you and Harleen Quinzel. Is it ok if we talk about her?

Harley: Sure.

Leila: Do you remember what your life was like before the Joker?

Harley: Parts of it are gone due to the shock therapy. But I remember feelin' unhappy or atl east unfulfilled.

Leila: Do you remember your family?

Harley: Yes. They weren't very nice to me though. I wish I could forget them.

Leila: Ok. Do you miss being Harleen Quinzel?

Harley: No.

Leila: Why not?

Harley (sighs): Well like I already said, Harleen was so average, so borin'.

Leila: But are there things you miss from your former life?

Harley: Sometimes I wish I could get a tan, but that's just a thought that passes at some point too. Oh! And sometimes I miss her hair.

Leila: Her hair?

Harley (nodding frantically): Yeah, 'cause her hair was like healthier and darker and curlier and I miss that sometimes. But Mr. J. says I'm perfect the way I am.

Leila: So, I realize this is a personal and perhaps dangerous question, but try to see it as a compliment: What are you afraid of?

Harley (laughs): How is that a compliment?

Leila: Well, people seem to think you're fearless.

Harley: Fearless is a bit of a stretch. I've been through more than most people have, so I might seem fearless. But if you spend enough time Mr. J you always come into new situations where you think this is the end and somehow he always gets you out after all. So maybe he makes me fearless. (pauses) I don't like water, because I can't swim, but I'm not afraid of it.

Leila: Are you afraid of Mr. J?

Harley (smiles): Isn't that the fun of it?

Leila: Many of our readers have wondered how you would describe your perfect day.

Harley: Ok. First of all the day starts off with breakfast in bed and a good espresso. Then a long bath. Then another espresso. Then I spend the rest of the day reading romance novels.

Leila: You like romance novels?

Harley: That's kind of my guilty pleasure. (pauses). One of them.

Leila: Do you have any other hobbies?

Harley: I'm not really a hobby-kind-of-girl. I just live every day as it comes and like spendin' time with my Puddin'.

Leila: And how do you spend time together? Do you watch a lot of TV?

Harley (laughs): Mr. J. doesn't like watchin' TV, he says it rots the brain, but since my brain has already been fried you know...I like watchin' TV with him, but he rarely gives in.

Leila: And what kind of TV shows do you watch?

Harley (giggles): Like I said, this is on me, but I love watchin' wedding shows with him, you know My Perfect Wedding or My Wedding Dress. Those kind of things.

Leila: Is there going to be wedding in the near future for you two?

Harley (smiles): Maybe.

Leila: What else do the two of you do together?

Harley (grins): Well he's going to get mad at me for tellin' you this, but sometimes he reads to me.

Leila: He reads? Your romance novels?

Harley: Yeah. Or whatever. I like Horror-stories too and he always does these really creepy voices to make the entire thing more scary! It's...I just love it.

Leila: My last question for you today is: What does your future look like? Do you have any plans?

Harley: I'm also not a plans-kind-of-girl. That was more Harleen's thing. I'm happy to live everyday spontaneously. I'd like to meet up with some of my friends from Suicide Squad, but that's a bit problematic seein' as most of them are still stuck in jail. So, we'll see.

Leila: Thank you so much for this Interview, Harley.

Harley: You're welcome.

Interview by Leila Lester from the Gotham Guide.