Title: Autobot Vs. Human Super-Computer

Summary: Really, do I need say more?

Warnings: Complete crack, mild cussing, and a fragged off Ratchet

Author Note: This is a prompt given by Jaacs McHenry. I loved the idea and it made me laugh when I read it. Thank you, Jaacs!

Remember… This is in between Life #1 and Life #2. If anyone ones to submit a prompt in the form of simply one word or a small summary, feel free to do so!

"This is impossible."

"Ridiculous. This is entirely possible, Nicole."

"Not all of us are geniuses like you, Prowl."

"Please. I am not a genius, I simply have the patience and processor power to deal with the long periods of time and concentration this requires."

"Exactly; that's what a genius is."

The tactician sighed sharply. "Nicole, do not try to redirect me. I've lived with Jazz far longer than you've been alive to recognize that trick. Now, focus on the chess board and make your move."

The black-haired femme scowled but looked back to the board. After about three seconds of staring, she moved her queen. Prowl sighed again as he analyzed the board. "You left your king open."

"And?"

"That is a fatal move."

"You mean it could make me lose?"

"Yes."

Nicole sat back and crossed her arms. "Go ahead," she said, shrugging. "Put me in checkmate or whatever. I need to go meet Ironhide for training in fifteen minutes anyways, and I think I can get in a few minutes with Barricade if I leave now."

The SIC frowned, but nodded. "Alright. You can go. But I expect to you to come back tomorrow, Nicole."

Said femme had already put up the chess board and was halfway to the door when he said it. She groaned like a wounded soldier and slouched. "Really?"

"Yes, really."

"Oh, c'mon, Prowl! There's some genius kid in some foreign country somewhere that's just dying to play chess, and you pick me? Even I agree that there's a better choice than me!"

The tactician just turned back to his computer and began pulling up the last report he had been working on. "Same time tomorrow."

She grumbled as she stuck the chess set under her arm and the door slid open. "I'm not a super computer, Prowl. I don't do math equations or play solitaire and chess for fun. If you wanted that, you should've just hacked into some human super computer or asked one of the smarter bots on this base to play with you."

"This discussion is over, Nicole."

"Fine! But when you complain about me not trying it's going to be your own fault!" The doors slid shut behind Nicole, returning Prowls' office to its usual quiet.

But even several minutes after she had left, the SIC's mind was still pondering on her words.

"What now?"

"Level 6, section 1."

"What? Ironhide, that's two whole levels above where I am now!"

"And?" The gruff warrior asked, keying in the command for the simulation room. "Weren't you just boasting that you could beat the twins' record at it?"

"Well… Yeah, but that's different."

"I'd love to hear your explanation for this one."

Nicole shifted uncomfortably on her pedes and held up one servo. "One: they have each other. Two: I meant I could beat it when I got to it. Three: I just don't want to do it."

Ironhide snorted and crossed his arms as he loomed over the short femme. "That's such a wonderful excuse. Almost better than the last."

The black-haired femme looked like she might stamp her pede. "Ironhide!"

"Suck it up, shortie. Let's see those superior fighting skills of yours. And no AllSpark help, either. You're gonna have to learn how to deal with fighting like every other bot."

Nicole growled something unintelligent but marched into the middle of the simulation room while Ironhide went into the small observation room. The AllSpark femme tensed as the familiar humming noise filled the air as the simulation started.

Ironhide's private comm. link suddenly pinged with Barricade's ID on it. Opening it, the black warrior prepared himself for whatever the Mustang had to say.

There was a hesitation on the other end of the link before Barricade said tiredly, ::Ironhide, Nicole's complaining to me as loud as she can over the bond.::

::Is that supposed to be my problem?::

There was a long sigh. ::Just keep her in one piece, please.::

Ironhide snorted and shut the comm. link. "That's going to be her own problem," he said happily to himself as he watched Nicole trying to dodge and shoot 3D holograms of Decepticons while running. After a moment of consideration, he started recording the training session and made a note to send it to Ratchet later.

Nicole, meanwhile, was cursing Ironhide and his creators and his creators creators as the holographic Decepticons seemed to appear out of nowhere. The blasts that the holographs shot weren't lethal, but they stung like a bee sting.

"Damn it!" She snarled as three more blasts managed to land on her back. Without thinking she fired off a few shots at the holograph that had fired them, making it vanish.

That's when Nicole's comm. pinged.

::What the hell do you want now of all times?:: she snapped.

Prowl's calm, cool voice interrupted the mayhem around Nicole as she fired off another round of shots from behind her temporary shelter. ::Nicole, I was thinking over what you were saying earlier.::

::That's wonderful to hear, Prowl, but- Ow! What the frag- Can I not call a Pit-forsaken timeout?::

The tactician went on as if he hadn't heard her. ::You are right, Nicole. It has been awhile since I had real competition in chess. So, I'm taking your advice and hacking a human super-computer.::

::And you're telling me this why?:: Out loud, Nicole stood up from behind her cover and frantically made the time-out sign to Ironhide in the observation room. The black mech laughed and said over the intercom, "There aren't time-outs in war, femme!"

"Frag you, slag-eating- OW!"

Prowl, completely unaware, continued. ::I was going to tell you thank you, and that our chess session tomorrow was cancelled.::

::Prowl, I don't give a DAMN about chess at the moment because Ironhide's being sadistic and trying to kill me!::

::Please, Nicole.:: The SIC said flatly. ::Ironhide may sometimes have rough tendencies, but he would not intentionally try to kill you.::

::You aren't running for your fragging life!:: Nicole practically snarled across the line as she had to abandon cover. ::And the fragger is just sitting there and laughing at me!::

::Good day, Nicole.:: Prowl said calmly and cut the line.

Just as three Decepticons trapped her in the corner, the session timed out and all the holograms disappeared. Nicole froze in her fighting stance for a few moments before sagging in relief and falling to her knees. "Oh my God."

Ironhide left the observation room, walking up to her with a smug smile. "You died 38 times."

The AllSpark groaned from her position on the ground. "Good to know."

A few hours later after the training session, Nicole stalked into Prowl's office scowling, feeling sore in places she hadn't knew existed. Without even announcing her arrival, she transwarped up to Prowl's desk. "What? I'm grouchy, tired, and ready to snap the next person who asks me how training went in half. Make. It. Quick."

But instead of Prowl sitting in the chair behind the desk, it was Jazz, with his servos tapping rapidly at the keyboard and visor fixed on the computer screen. Prowl stood behind him also looking at the screen.

"Hey, Nicki," the silver saboteur greeted cheerily. He broke his gaze on the screen to shoot her a cheeky grin. "How'd trainin' go?"

"Frag you."

"Love ya too, Nicko," he snickered as he went back to the computer.

Prowl ignored both of them and spoke to Jazz directly. "Are you almost in?"

"Yeah, now cool yer circuits and stop ventin' down my neck."

Nicole glared at them both impatiently. "Well? Anyone going to tell me why you asked me to come here?"

Prowl looked at her with that irritatingly calm expression. "So you could make Major Lennox understand why we are hacking into Earth's best super computer."

Confusion replaced the femme's irritation. "Super computer? And Lennox isn't even here-"

"What the hell are you doing?"

Jazz snickered again. "He is now."

Said soldier strode in followed by a disgruntled looking Epps. "What do you think you're doing? This is against nearly every protocol- For God's sake, it's violating international security!"

The Autobot SIC looked down calmly at the major. "Major Lennox, I can assure you we are not doing this to harm international security."

Epps crossed his arms. "Then why are you hacking the world's best super computer, then?"

Prowl turned his cobalt blue gaze to the computer screen again and simply said, "Chess."

Nicole, still feeling thrown out of her element, transwarped down to the floor beside the two soldiers. "Um… Lennox, I think they're hacking it to play chess."

"Figure that out for yerself, Nicki?" Jazz drawled, still focused on the computer. "And I thought ya came up with this idea in the first place."

While both Lennox and Epps glared at her, the femme glared at Jazz. "Well, excuse me, but I'm still on square one here because someone threw all this at me not two minutes ago!" Feeling the human soldiers glares, she added, "And I didn't even mean it!"

Sighing exasperatedly, Lennox ran his hands through his hair. "This is ridiculous. Do you know how many officials this is going to have breathing down my back when they hear about this? You- You can't just hack a government super computer-"

"Sorry, Will," Jazz interrupted, sitting back with a satisfied grin, "but I just did."

The next morning when Ratchet walked in Optimus Primes' office, he instantly knew something was wrong.

The Autobot Leader looked troubled. And he never looked troubled. As part of his role of leader and Prime, he didn't have time to look troubled.

Skipping straight over greetings, the CMO just sighed and plopped down in the guest chair. "Okay, what's wrong now?"

The normally stoic Optimus just stared at his desk. "I'm…not sure."

"Not sure?" Ratchet felt his already thin patience wear thinner. "How can you not be sure about what's wrong?"

Finally Prime looked up to meet his gaze. "Prowl… Prowl did not turn in reports that were due this morning."

Ratchet blinked once, thinking he finally understood the meaning of 'twilight zone'. Then, "There is something wrong about that." Without say anything more, the CMO got up and left the Autobot leader's office just to enter the office next door.

And he did not expect the scene that greeted him.

The only way he could describe it was that it looked like Nicole, Taylor, and Willow had pitched camp on Prowl's desk. Along with sleeping bags, empty bowls of what he guessed had been popcorn, and other junk food sat the three femmes themselves. Taylor was sitting on her sleeping bag reading the latest People magazine, Willow was tucked her own bag playing on her phone, and Ratchet guessed that Nicole was recharging in the sleeping bag that was completely zipped up, covering her helm.

To add to the bizarre situation, Prowl was staring intently at his computer screen, still as a statue and not even pausing to glance up at the neon medic as he entered the office.

Ratchet at least had enough sense left to make sure his jaw didn't drop. Instead he went for what was going through his processor:

"What in the Pit are you doing?"

Only Taylor and Willow looked up at him looking more tired than he thought healthy. Willow shrugged in her sleeping bag, her magenta hair looking disheveled. "Not real sure, actually."

Taylor sniffed. "Well, I listened unlike some people, so I know what we're doing."

"Fine, Ms. Know-It-All, what are we doing and why didn't you inform me seven hours ago?"

Taylor ignored her and smiled back at Ratchet. In a voice that could have been talking about the most normal thing in the world, she said, "We're watching Prowl play chess."

Ratchet felt Optimus' presence behind him, but ignored that in favor of the two humans on the desk. "Please elaborate," he deadpanned. "I'm sure you have a very interesting reason."

The blonde sucked in a deep breath. "Well-"

Willow groaned and pulled the sleeping bag over her head. "Oh, God, here we go again."

"-Prowl was trying to teach Nicole how to play chess, and I personally think that's impossible, but he said he'd try anyways, so they were playing chess yesterday and Nicole started trying to come up with all these different reasons why not to play it and one of those reasons was that there was probably- No, definitely a super computer smarter than her. And after awhile Prowl got to thinking and decided that he'd get Jazz to hack a super computer so he could play chess with it, and we decided that we'd stay in here and see how long it took him to beat it."

The neon medic tried to sift through that mess she called words. After trying for a few moments he gave up and scowled down at the two human girls. "How long has it been, then?"

Taylor and Willow looked at each other before looking back to Ratchet. "Um…," Willow started uncertainly, "Well, you'd have to ask Nicole that. She was here before us."

"Well then, wake her up."

Both of them shared another look before shaking their heads quickly.

Ratchet felt his irritation grow. Again he asked himself why no one ever wanted to do the easy thing and just do as he fragging said.

"Why not?"

"Because," Taylor said in a low voice, "she's scary when you wake her up."

Willow nodded, sitting up. "Scary as hell, man."

The medic resisted the urge to roll his optics. Why did he have to do everything around here? With a small growl, he slammed his servo down flat on Prowl's desk right beside the recharging form of Nicole, making a noise that wasn't that different than a cannon shot.

Nicole was out her sleeping bag and standing in a split second, weapon systems coming online with a whine and her optics so pale they were nearly white.

It took her a few seconds to realize there wasn't any real threat. And when she did, she looked from Ratchet to Taylor and Willow and back. "What…just happened?"

"I woke you up," the neon medic said in a tart tone, shooting Taylor and Willow glares.

They were too shocked to notice. Willow's mouth was open and her skin was the color of a sheet of paper. Taylor mirrored her expression, but she had let out a small scream when Ratchet had slammed his servo on the desk.

Willow let out a shaky breath, running her hands through her magenta hair. "Jesus. I think I peed my pants." Then she sent a scowl at Ratchet. "Jerk. Warnings are called warnings for a reason."

He ignored her and frowned down on Nicole, who was slowly piecing together what had happened. "How long has Prowl been playing chess on the computer?"

The femme glared at him. "You woke me up."

The medic let out a low growl that would have had other bots running and slowly repeated himself. "How long has Prowl been playing chess on the computer?"

"You woke me up."

"I know that, Nicole. Now answer the question."

The small femme pointed at him, optics smoldering. "You owe me five hours of recharge, got it?"

"Yes, I do, now just answer the fragging question!"

"Fine! He's been playing for fourteen freaking hours!"

"And has he refueled?"

Nicole crossed her arms, scowling at nothing in general. "What do you think, smartaft?"

Taylor and Willow watched in amazement as Ratchet restrained himself from grabbing the femme and shaking her. All the while he reminded himself that this was the AllSpark, and no matter how stupid, stubborn, and insolent she was, he couldn't do any of the painful things that involved his rotor saw going through his processor if it meant having an angry Mustang or a pair of vengeful adopted-creators on his servos.

And the fact that she was the giver of life for their race had something to do with it, too, he supposed.

So instead, he counted back from ten twice and let out a hiss of hot air through his vents. Resetting his optics, he scowled down at Nicole. "Nicole. My patience is on thin ice. So please answer my question with a straight answer."

"Why should I?" She snapped back.

…Suddenly all those thoughts of all the painful things he could do with his rotor saw came back.

Before Ratchet could bring his wrath down on the femme, there was a small release of air, sounding tired but satisfied. "Done."

Every other being in the room turned to look at Prowl, who was unusually slumped in his chair with his optics dimmed. He noticed the sudden silence and looked at each of them with a questioning gaze. "What?"

Ratchet, his temper already past the boiling point, slammed his servos on the desk (narrowly missing Taylor, who squeaked in fright) and leaned across to invade Prowl's personal space. "'What'? Are you just deaf and blind, Prowl, or stupid? Did you not just hear or see any of that?"

The SIC frowned and rolled his chair backwards a bit, straightening. "Ratchet, I am not stupid, nor blind or deaf. I had my audios turned off, and when I am focused on something, I rarely look away from what I am doing."

The medic let out the growl he'd been holding in this whole time. "With that glitched processor of yours, did you even consider refueling?"

Prowl's frown deepened. "Of course not. I was too busy playing chess to worry about refueling, Ratchet."

Whether it was the tactician's calm tone or that his sanity finally took a hike or maybe both, it finally made the medic snap. Snarling something vile about glitched mechs and stubborn AllSparks in Cybertronian, Ratchet stormed out of the SIC's office and nearly rammed into the Prime, who had been watching the entire ordeal silently from the doorway.

The Prime hummed as he watched the medic clear a path down the hall. "That went well."

Prowl nodded, standing and flicking his doorwings to work out the kinks that had formed in the time he had been sitting. "Indeed." He sent Nicole a small frown. "I cannot imagine what you did to upset Ratchet, Nicole, but I can tell it worked."

She gaped at him. "Wha- But-"

The tactician ignored her and nodded to Taylor and Willow. "Good day, ladies. I think I'm going to go refuel now." He paused as he stopped beside Optimus in the doorway. "Prime, I'll have those reports by the end of they day."

The Prime nodded, smiling. "I have no doubt you will, Prowl."

Willow spoke up just in time to stop Prowl from leaving. "Did you beat the super computer?"

The SIC smiled the smallest of smiles. "Of course. What did you expect?" And with a final flick of a doorwing, he continued down the hall to the Rec room.

Taylor grinned. "I think we should get solitaire installed in Prowl's computer."

Willow snickered. "Don't give him ideas, blondie. Now start helping me clean this up." She stood up and snapped her fingers at Nicole. "Stop sulking and help us."

Nicole was glaring at where Prowl had disappeared, arms crossed. "I feel so scandalized right now."

Optimus Prime chuckled at the femme's expression. "Don't think too much of it, Nicole. I think Prowl was just kidding."

"Prowl? Kidding? Those words don't fit in the same sentence."

Taylor elbowed Nicole in the side as she rolled up her sleeping bag with a smile. "I'm serious about solitaire, Nicki."

"Don't even think about it, Taylor."

Right… Okay, so it was very long one-shot. But I write long one-shots.

I hope you liked it, Jaacs!

Leave a review on your way out, please. :)