"All right. Let's see… your mission…" Monogram was looking over his papers.
Perry sat in front of the big television screen, chewing on his teddy bear's ear.
"Dr. Doofenshmirtz has been-" Monogram looked up. "Oh no. Not the bear again. Agent P, we talked about this last week. Why can't you leave the bear at home?"
Perry shrugged. He didn't know why he liked to take Snugglebear everywhere. It just made him feel happy for some reason. Yesterday Phineas had made some modifications to Snugglebear while Perry was asleep. Perry wasn't sure what they were, though, because he had grabbed the bear from Phineas before Phineas had a chance to explain each new feature.
"Agent P, you're too old to get attached to a ratty toy. Put the bear down."
"Says the man who has a Ducky Momo toy in his bedroom." Perry mumbled.
"Don't make me come down there, Agent P. Put the bear on the desk."
Perry continued to chew the bear's ear. The ear must have been close to a button that Phineas added in, because a piece of candy fell out of the bear's mouth.
"CANDY DISPENSER ACTIVATED." Said Snugglebear. "ENJOY YOUR TREAT. YUM. YUM."
Monogram sighed and walked off of the screen. He entered Perry's lair a few moments later.
Perry was still chewing on Snugglebear's ear. Candy kept coming out.
"YUM. YUM. YUM. YUM. YUM. YUM." Said Snugglebear.
"Cheese and crackers, Agent P! It looks like you had a piñata in here!" Monogram picked Perry up and set him down on the ground. "Give me the bear."
Perry growled at him.
Monogram snapped his fingers. "Enough with the attitude. Give me the bear. I'll get it to your host family. Keep it in your home from now on."
Perry backed up.
"Agent P, that's an order."
Perry slowly handed Monogram the bear.
"Thank you." Monogram said. He took the bear by the right paw and was squirted in the face with water.
"WATER SPRAY ACTIVATED." Said Snugglebear. "ENJOY BEING WET. HA. HA."
"I like that bear." Perry said.
Monogram placed the bear on Perry's desk. Perry picked it up and held it against his cheek.
"Agent P, put it back."
Perry started to whimper.
"Carl, he's not following my orders."
"Well, you did try to take his teddy bear." Carl responded from the screen.
"He can't take a teddy bear on a mission! How ridiculous would that look? And he doesn't just LIKE it, he's OBSESSED with the thing."
"YUM. YUM. YUM. YUM." Said Snugglebear.
"Agent P, enough."
Perry stopped chewing on the ear.
"Come straight back when you're done with your mission." Monogram said, taking the teddy bear away. "I have a friend I want you to meet. He's an animal psychologist."
Perry was starting to think about attacking Monogram for Snugglebear.
"Go on." Monogram said, scattering his thoughts. Perry sighed and left.
"And now, Perry the platypus, I will rid myself of you!" Doofenshmirtz said.
Perry was thinking about tennis balls. He hadn't chewed on one in a while (He found it undignified) but he remembered how much he used to love doing so. Maybe he could try chewing one again. Would the taste and texture still appeal to him?
"…The Whateveryouwantinator!" Doofenshmirtz said, pointing at a large machine. "All I do is tell it what I want, and the inator will create it! Like this." He went up to his inator. "A giant, metal, platypus-eating monster, created for the sole purpose of destroying Perry the platypus."
Perry chewed on the bars of his cage.
"Don't bother, unless you can chew through metal." Doofenshmirtz told him.
Perry continued to chew.
The inator began to glow. A huge robot burst out of it, and the inator shattered. It roared powerfully.
The hair on Perry's neck stood up. He backed up as far as he could.
The robot monster was huge, about three Doofenshmirtzes tall, and it was bright red. It didn't appear to have any eyes, but it definitely had teeth. It had two mouths, and three large purple tongues poked out of each one.
"Uh… I was kind of hoping it would be prettier." Doofenshmirtz said. "Oh, great. Now the inator's broken."
The monster roared again, and the building shook.
"I'm calling you Inatorkiller." Doofenshmirtz said. "Now, get Perry the platypus!"
Inatorkiller turned and crashed through the wall of Evil Incorporated. He jumped down to the streets of Danville and ran away.
"Well." Doofenshmirtz said. "That was a total waste of money."
Perry shuddered. Inatorkiller had really freaked him out.
"Curse you, Inatorkiller the monster!" Doofenshmirtz yelled.
Perry knocked on one of the bars.
"Oh. The cage. Sorry, I forgot." Doofenshmirtz opened the cage and let Perry out. "Tomorrow, I'll have a better evil scheme for you to foil. Maybe something monkey-related, I dunno."
Perry entered his lair and grabbed Snugglebear back from Monogram. Monogram was standing next to a short man with glasses.
"He's obsessed with the teddy bear." Monogram explained. "He chews on it and cuddles it all day. He refused to part with it this morning."
"I have seen this before." The short man said. "Many animals grow attached to their toys."
"He's not a toy." Perry growled. "He's my friend." He chewed on Snugglebear's foot. Water sprayed Monogram.
"HA. HA." Said Snugglebear.
"But WHY?" Monogram said, wiping his face off. "And why this particular bear? I gave him plenty of toys when he was younger, and he never touched any of them."
"Hard to say." The short man said. "Some animals grow attached because they think of the toy as their baby."
"He has plenty of real offspring, so that's most likely not it." Monogram said. "Which reminds me. I need to call the vet and see about getting him fixed. We would have done it earlier, but a lot of things came up… anyway, besides the baby thing, why?"
"Some animals are lonely and think of them as friends." The small man bent down next to Perry. "May I see the bear?"
Perry hissed at him.
The short man gently touched the bear's foot. Perry growled and snapped at his finger.
The man drew back. "You know what it might be?"
"What?" Monogram asked.
"This bear has the same wooly texture of a platypus. Was this animal separated from its mother too early?"
"Well… he was a day old when I found him."
"That could be it. He never had a mother to nurture him, and he has projected that onto this bear."
"So he thinks the bear is his mother?"
"WHAT? No way!" Perry turned away from them.
"No. The bear simply provides the same amount of comfort to him that a mother would. That's why he doesn't want to be separated from it. He'll grow out of it in time. Or project the feelings onto another object."
"He shouldn't have to 'grow out of it'. He's a highly trained animal agent."
"You can train an animal to do almost anything, but it's difficult to train them out of an instinct." The short man said.
"What does any of this have to do with instinct?"
Perry grabbed Snugglebear in his mouth and shook it.
"Hunting, perhaps." The short man said.
"How do we fix this?" Monogram asked. "He can't walk around with a teddy bear everywhere."
"Maybe he just needs to spend more time with humans. Take him out to dinner or something." The short man said.
Perry was pretty sure it wasn't his mother's fault that he was so attached to Snugglebear. Sometimes he missed his mother, but not often. And he visited her sometimes, and sat through her stories about magical eggs and daytime. But the bear was not his mother, or his baby. It was just a chew toy that calmed him down sometimes. Was it such a crime to want to take a fuzzy, cuddly bear everywhere?
"All right, Perry, let's have some lunch." Monogram said. "CARL! We're going out for lunch!"
"Uh… no offense, sir, but I don't know if I feel the same way about you."
"As FRIENDS, Carl!"
"I MEANT as friends. What did you think I meant?"
Monogram sighed. "Just get down here. We're taking Agent P for some lunch."
Perry looked pitifully at Monogram.
"Leave the bear here." Monogram said.
Perry frowned, but he put Snugglebear on the chair.
"Oh, gross!" Carl said as he came into the lair. "Agent P, there's a moldy square on your desk."
Perry looked over at his desk. On top was a little plastic baggie, containing a very green sandwich.
"Steve the sandwich is back." Perry muttered.