Pause, a castle fanfic

It was very difficult to believe this was even happening. She had probably pushed too hard. She had been told to take it easy, don't piss him off, keep him nice and calm and talking about what he wanted so they could negotiate to get the hostages out nice and safely and calmly. But no, she had to let her NYPD homicide cop rear its head and she had blasted him down the phone and now she stood here, staring in disbelief as the world unfolded in slow motion around her; even her heartbeat seemed to have stalled.

Boom. Pause. Boom.

She watched as the dust pushed out from the building, like a sheet on the line on a windy day, but translucent and rolling over on its self. She had to push though didn't she? It was in her nature. But this time she was also driven by fear. And now she had done this. God only knew what had happened to the hostages right now. They could be in pieces, all over the bank. She knew there was nowhere for them to shelter, not without any warning. They were all out there in the open. Exposed. All of them.

Boom. Pause. Boom.

The dust travelled forward like waves on a beach, aggressive and confident in the back, swelling and huge, but hissing away to almost nothing by the time it reached her toes. The SWAT team members in the front backed up out of its way, falling over themselves, as if even letting it touch their riot helmets would allow contamination, responsibility. Kate watched them retreat, their own safety at the forefront of their minds. Her first reaction was to get in there. But of course, she would be stopped; of course, she had to be practicable about it. Now she did.

Someone brushed past her, knocking her heart back into the correct speed. It thundered, as if to make up for lost time. She needed her gun, she wouldn't be allowed in without one. She rushed to her car, where she had left her clothes and badge and pistol, her safety, possibly her rationality, before she had changed into the fire department's paramedic's uniform. She whipped open the door, found her weapon there on top of the passenger seat amongst her clothes and grabbed it. She turned back. Cops with assault rifles were approaching the blown out wound of the bank, flashlights cut weak arcs through the dirty air. She was going to need one of those too and fumbled at the glove compartment where there was always a spare. Then she rushed forward again to join the team preparing to enter.

She was the third through the mangled wreck of the doors, her wrists crossed, elbows raised, heavy gun in one hand, pathetic flashlight in the other. She could taste the earthen flavour of the air on her tongue and behind it, the acrid bitterness of explosives. There was something in her throat and she swallowed down her guilt against it, hoping to dislodge both, failing like she had failed to do her job properly today. Not her job. This was her job now, finding and dealing with bodies, deaths, homicides.

"Castle?" She cried out into the churning dirtiness, her eyes squinted against the bleakness. She glanced into the corners, not paying too much attention. The boys with their bigger guns and superior body armour would take care of any loose ends. She needed to know, had just one thing on her mind. She quickly rounded the pillar, where they had all been sitting together, all of them, there, out in the open, but it was empty. They were gone. She looked around for bodies. Nope. Was that a little relief? 'Not yet,' she told herself.

"Castle!" She called again and again, stepping over wreckage quickly. Out of the corner of her eye she barely registered the carnage and the spread of the men who had come in along with her. Not with her, but merely in tandem. More dust stuck to the back of Kate's throat to join the rising panic she was trying so hard to banish back into her chest. She approached the grilled gate leading in to the back of the bank and then...

"Beckett!"

She dropped her gun from its protective stance and raced forward. They were in the back, the group of them sitting on the ground. All of them? She didn't know. Didn't care to be honest. She searched out just one voice, one face, one name, one man. 'Oh thank god!'

He gave her a slight wave, pleased and she called out over her shoulder that she'd found them and then pushed on ahead, not paying attention once again to protocol, not looking out for danger. She just wanted to get to him.

They weren't even locked in; she filed that away, not letting it register as strange or weird or anything other than it wasn't going to take a blow torch or a search for a key to get to him. He was right there. She practically sunk to her knees in front of him; grinning stupidly, managing to hold it together a little so that she didn't bruise a knee cap as she knelt. He looked relieved and she felt it wash over her acutely; she returned his smile, easily, genuinely, warmly.

Oh that thing in her throat? It was her heart. Because she could feel it now, thrumming like it had a harmonic vibration. She reached for his hands, warning him before cutting away the plastic binding, trying to be careful, not to pull, so the edges wouldn't dig into his skin and cause him more discomfort. She didn't want to hurt him. He looked up at her, relief mixed with pleasure and warmth and release and joy and gratefulness and... rescue. He pulled his hands apart and she reached forward to touch him, to make sure he was real, that bright smile on her face again; she didn't care about giving herself away. His breath was racing as she asked how he was. He didn't answer but his eyes, so intense on hers, expressed everything his mouth wouldn't dare; he didn't even form a smile in return. And it looked like he had just registered to start when Martha spoke up.

Kate turned her head surprised at herself. Shocked even, amazed, that she had let herself get so caught up in just one man, when there was a whole room of other people, just like Martha said. She should know better, she was a cop, there to serve. And protect. But never mind that right now because Castle was fine, and he was free, and he was fine, and she had definitely caught that eye roll before she looked away. She would find a way to redeem herself. She always did.

And she totally agreed with him.