The New Guy in the Red Shirt: The Adventures of Fred Smith

The young man of average height, average weight, average build, and otherwise just plain average everything stepped off the shuttle in hanger bay 2 of the Starship Pons&Fleischman. He grinned from ear to ear. Yes, he had finally graduated from Star Fleet Academy after only 13 years. It took 13 years, not because he was stupid. No, far from it. He was one of the best and brightest Star Fleet had to offer. In fact, he graduated 5th in his class, when he did finally graduate. You see, Ensign Fred Smith is a bit accident prone, and spent most of that 13 years unconscious for one reason or another, in a hospital bed.

Things were looking up. He had graduated, and with only suffering one severe allergic reaction during the graduation party. And his 45 minute shuttle trip was completely free from the threat of near death.

A pretty Bajoran lieutenant greeted him. "Hello" she said, "I'm Lieutenant Siresa."

Fred walked forward, taken by her beauty so much that he didn't see the cable running across the floor. His ankle twisted, tripping him up, his head bounced off the shuttles warp nacelle before crashing hard into a diagnostic panel which had been just rolled into place. He hit the floor, you guessed it, unconscious.

Fred awoke in sickbay the next day, and was released not long after. "All right." he determined, "I had one little mishap, but I'm not going to let that get me down. After all, this is a ship of scientific exploration, not a battleship. How much trouble can I get myself into?"

He reported to the Captain. "So, you're Ensign Smith." the captain said looking him over. "You know, we got two more members added to the medical staff just for you?"

"Only two," Smith said in shock, "someone's feeling optimistic."

The captain went on, "Anyway, you'll be training on navigation. You're already a day behind, so you need to report to Lieutenant Jankouski at once."

"Yes Sir." Smith said turning to leave the Captains ready room. The door opened as he approached, but with a flash of sparks, the door slammed shut on Ensign Smith.

Two days later, when he was released from sick bay, Fred reported to his new training post, where he found a real problem. Lieutenant Jankouski and the Chief Engineer were peering down a Jeffreys tube.

"Ensign Fred Smith reporting for duty sirs." Fraid said, happy to be doing anything.

The two men looked him up and down and then smiled at each other. "We have a problem, Smith." Jankouski said. "It seems the ship can't turn left."

"Can't turn left?" Fred asked in shock, pausing to absorb the information. "Ok, what do you need me to do?" he asked, eager to help.

The chief engineer said, "About 50 feet down that Jeffreys tube is a reset button for the systems that makes the ship turn left. I would do it myself, but I'm a big man, and just don't fit.

Fred turned to Jankouski who admitted shyly, "I'm claustrophobic."

The chief engineer cut in hurridly, "We need someone average sized who is not claustrophobic. Are you our man?"

'I am average sized' Fred thought, 'and claustrophobia is one of the few conditions I don't suffer from.' "I'm your man." He said.

"OK", the chief engineer said, "We have to hurry. We're expecting a delegation of Vulcans in 15 minutes, and we have to be ready."

Fred ducked into the Jeffreys tube. "Oh Smith," the chief engineer added, "I'm sorry for the door problem."

Fred spun around into the tube, "Don't worry, that kind of thing happens to me all the..."
SMACK!
The door to the Jeffreys tube flipped up hitting him in the face. The two men pulled Fred from the Jeffreys tube. Fred was dazed but conscious. Teeth dribbled from his mouth as he tried to speak. "Caitian women are hot!"

"Did you say, 'Caitian women are hot'? Jankouski asked.

Fred's head bobbed toward the navigator. "Wouldn't you be if you wore a fur coat everywhere?" he giggled.

"We need to get him to sick bay." One man said to the other.

"I can get there my...my...self!" Fred announced.

The two men had a lot to do, so they let him go. Fred staggered through the corridors drawing stares wherever he went. And no wonder, his hair was tousled, his eyes bloodshot and his entire face was turning the most remarkable shade of purple. Fred's head spun and his ears rang. He was completely disoriented.

Fred stumbled into a large receiving room full of people. 'The Vulcan delegation' he realized through the fog in his mind. He had better go pay his respects. Fred staggered toward the Vulcans who were in reality Romulan spies. Mistaking his bright purple complexion for that of a rebel from the moon of Tholian 7, they drew disruptors from their cloaks and fired.

Fred awoke in sick bay to be cheered as a hero. He was the one who single handedly flushed out the Romulan spies. Additionally, for having been shot selflessly by throwing himself between the spies and his commanding officers as they fired their disruptors he received the medal for Bravery and a promotion to Lieutenant First Class.

Fred's first two weeks had gone very well. He had only been unconscious and in sick bay three times.