Thir13en Furs
by ff_b
Arthur: My late uncle Cyrus was a very rich collector of unique things, including ghosts...and I just inherited his estate!
Dennis: Well, a man's gotta have a hobby...plus I'm a psychic and ghost hunter, so maybe I can help you out with the ghosts...
Arthur: It gets better...the house is mostly made of glass, and it serves as a prison to these ghosts, who are held in check by containment spells in Latin etched onto the floors and movable glass walls of the house.
Dennis: Well, Latin is the language of the dead...or is it a dead language? I dunno...I took Spanish in school!
Arthur: Whatever! And at the heart of this house is an evil machine designed by the devil and powered by the dead to open the Eye of Hell...
Dennis: Sounds like fun!-Alright, I'm sold!- -Let's get to it!
Arthur: Oh, one more thing...being that this is a parody, the ghosts are all furry...anthropomorphic animals, that is.
Dennis: And the down side, is?
Arthur: Dogged if I see one! Well, let's take my brats Bobby and Kathy into this hell house, together with their nanny, Maggie, and a ghost rights activist, Kalina, who wants to free the ghosts.
Dennis: A little less talk and a little more action, that's what we need around here!
Arthur: Well, excuse me for setting up the damn story!
(A little later...in the estate house of Uncle Cyrus...)
Dennis: Put on my ghost goggles, so we can see the spirits...
Arthur: Who are they, Inky, Pinky, Blinky, and Clyde?
Dennis: You'll wish!-Oh oh, here they come!
The First Born Son (a cute little bear with an arrow in his head):- -Hi, wanna play?
Arthur: Ouch, that's gotta hurt!
Dennis: He's dead, Arthur, he feels nothing...but not to worry, this ghost is only gross, not dangerous.
The Torso: (a dismembered deer)- -Damn the hunters!- -Damn them all, I say!
Arthur: I feel your pain, buddy...
The Bound Vixen: *moans and gyrates*
Arthur: What the hell?- -But I find myself strangely aroused...
Dennis: Of course you do, she's a fox! But remember, she's dead, although not dangerous. I wouldn't recommend necrophilia, though...
The Withered Lover: (a rabbit, partially burned and dragging an IV stand) *approaches and smiles*
Dennis: It's your late wife, Arthur...she could never harm you.
Arthur: Peachy!-But you never experienced my marriage!
The Torn Prince: (a mutilated dog) I died in my car...
Arthur: That ought to teach 'ya not to text and drive!
The Angry Princess: (A cat, brandishing a knife)- -I hate men!
Dennis: Didn't I date you?
The Pilgrimess: (A raccoon, arms and head bound in colonial-style stocks) *moans*
Arthur: Sorry, we're not into the bondage and domination scene, thanks anyways...
The Great Child and Dire Mother: (An enormous chicken and his mother, feed dripping from his mouth) [they stare]
Dennis: Worse case of "failure to launch" syndrome I've ever seen!- -Exceedingly gross, but not dangerous...
The Hammer: (A pissed-off circus bear) --RAWR!
Dennis: Careful, Arthur, this one can hurt you! (is picked up by "The Juggernaut" and smashed; dies, his spine broken...)
Arthur: Oh great, now I'm on my own!
Kalina: What am I, chopped liver?
The Jackal: (a rabid jackal, his head encaged) *snarls and claws*
Arthur: What, you're gonna scratch me to death? That smarts, but is it lethal?
The Jackal: Well, you could get a really nasty infection!- -Hoo boy, I wouldn't care to be in your shoes then!
The Juggernaut: (a very ticked-off cow) - -Ever hear of the Mad Cow?- -Well, I am her!- -Your kind has been killing my kind for food since time immemorial, and now I figure turn-about is fair play, monkey boy!
Arthur: Nothing personal, Cow, but you're one unhappy meal!
The Juggernaut: (hearing chanting in Latin) Oh oh, gotta go...magic calls...but I'll settle your hash later! (snorts and vanishes)
Arthur: My kids!- -They're in in the center of this house by the core machinery, surrounded by whirring and sharp metallic rings!
Bobby and Kathy: Dad, this sucks!- -HALP!
Kalina: The ghosts must be freed from here, Arthur...and only your love can free your children! You gotta sacrifice yourself by throwing yourself into the rings!- -You see, you're the 13th ghost! Gotta complete the ole Black Zodiac!
Arthur: Wouldn't "Black Zodiac" be a great name for a rock band?
Uncle Cyrus: Hey kid!- -I'm really not dead, 'ya see?- -Psych! I've just been playin' with your head and using 'ya, ain't I a stinker?
Arthur: Why, you SOB! (fights with Uncle Cyrus but gets beaten and thrashed by his cane)
Ghosts: Hey, that's the guy who imprisoned us all here!- -Payback time is hell, Dude! (Ghosts grab Uncle Cyrus, lift him aloft screaming and hurl him into the whirling blades, which dismember him and fling gory pieces in all directions...)
Arthur: Well, that was distinctly unpleasant...Kids! (embraces children)
Bobby and Kathy: Pops!
Maggie: Well, I never operated machinery designed by the Devil before, so I'm just gonna throw levers and stuff...
(The machinery runs faster and faster, finally flying apart and destroying the house...)
Arthur: Well, people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw bricks, or strip demonic machinery gears, for that matter!- -Alright, kids, clean up this mess!
Bobby and Kathy: Clean it up?
Arthur: Yes, every stitch...
Kathy: Must be the Season of the Witch...
Arthur: You got that right...and as for me, I got a hot date with the Bound Vixen!- -Wooo!
(fade to black as Dr. Hook's "Season of the Witch" plays...)