You know, I've never prayed before.
Hell, I don't even believe in God, or any sort of universe ruling deity. It just doesn't make sense, to put your faith so blindly in something that you can't see.
But…when I saw my aibou lying hurt on that arena floor…I did. That is so to say, I said a prayer, and for that brief, fleeting moment I did believe. Because I figured that since I couldn't save him (and that dumbass pharaoh sure as hell wasn't going to) that…maybe…whatever was out there could.
Contrary to popular belief, I DO care for Ryou's well being. Not because he's my partner, or because I wouldn't have a body (although the thought does not tend to bode well with me) to possess, but because in a simple, indescribable way, we are alike. We are bonded, as one.
I'm the first to admit that wholesome goodness turns my stomach; that I'd rather have carnage and chaos vibrating around me. I'm not like the pharaoh and his brat – I do not want to spend quiet evenings at home, wrapped around each other and basking in a bond that allows them to share their most intimate thoughts. And Ryou, for his part, knows and respects this. Because for us, for he and I to have any remote chance of bonding, there must be, however small, a bit of likeness between the light and dark. I like to think of it as Pandora's Box; what he fears the most I splendor in, and what annoys and aggravates me the most he joys in doing. Not to spite the other, but because that is just how our personalities are. In the other, we find our most damning, most world shattering emotions.
I suppose the emotion I fear the most is compassion. Or love, or friendship; Ra, take your pick. I simply can't see how these feelings of…benefaction can bring one closer to wealth and power.
And for the life of him, Ryou tries to explain. He tries to show me that with these emotions come, bigger, brighter things. That if I were to let go of my hurt, the pain that lingers deep inside my unconscious thought, that I would find myself free. Freer than I've ever felt in my existence.
But it's hard you know. It's hard to drop the habit of loathing mankind after so many millennia.
For the most part, what I despise is human nature. A perfect example of this would be aibou's friends Jounouchi and Kaiba. They simply do not like one another…just to not like one another! I do not like the pharaoh for his blind assumption that everything, regardless of how hopeless it all may seem, will work out in the end. And his brat is the same way, but more so, which is infuriating. The others…as for them, I do not find their presence necessary, so therefore I do not think of them as important. But to get back to my point, this…animosity that exists between Jounouchi and Kaiba is ridiculous; pointless in its idiocy. Neither gain. Neither have any REAL reason to hate the other, only that it's a mutual disrespect, which I silently admit Kaiba started. It is in this that I find my reasons for lashing out at the world. I see no reason why all must war. I hate only because I went without most of my mortal life. I hate because it's…easy. You realize? Negative emotions are much easier to control. When you trust, when you allow someone to get close to you, you are in effect putting your own emotions into their hands. What if they reject you? Then you hurt inside.
If I had to blame something for the way I am, it would be the world. It would be the people who kicked me as a child when I begged for food. It would be all the times I watched children my age with their families, happy and loved, while I stood alone and helpless.
Bitter.
I suppose that's what I am. I'm bitter for what I'll never have, and for what I want so desperately. I'll never have a gentle hand to sooth away my every woe. I'll never have the world in my rule. I'll never trust someone enough to let them have my heart.
And, oddly, that's what so bittersweet about my hikari and I. For all he wants is to touch my soul…and I all want is to use him for his light.