I'm feeling depressed therefore this is also depressing. It's not a happy love story so please don't read it if that's what you're expecting.
I've proof read it twice and edited twice for corrections but can't face doing it again, so I'm sorry if there are still mistakes.
It's rated M for safety because yaoi is implied, but it's not descriptive or offensive in any way.
The characters belong to Square Enix, but the idea is mine and for that I can only apologise.
Changing emotions – Zack's point of view
The hour was late into the night, or perhaps it was early into the morning depending on how you looked at it. The sun had gone down long ago allowing the moon to take its rightful place in the sky, the stars happily enjoying their turn to sparkle brightly before the pre-dawn light came once again to hide them away from mortal man's sight. Yet already there was that feeling in the air that it would not be long until daybreak, the stillness of the world being almost like that of the pregnant pause a newborn took before taking its first breath in the world.
But the raven haired soldier was aware of none of this mystical beauty, as he sat quietly at the small dining table within his apartment staring blankly out of the window beside him. The young man no longer able to fully recognise the image of the person reflected back at him in the glass, as the once youthful and dazzling violet eyes he'd been famous for now looked back at him dulled of their innocence, due to the things he had been forced to experience and cover up for in recent months.
Dishonesty seemed to have become a common occurrence in his life these days Zack noted sadly, the people around him happily weaving even more webs of corruption and trickery as they tried to keep the truth from being seen. But this was not the deception which ate away at the soldier's heart the most during this moment in time, the personal suffering he'd endured though it all not even coming close to the pain he now felt for being just as deceitful with someone he'd claimed to love not so long ago.
It was with a heavy heart that Zack allowed his mind to once again think back to the time when he and the cadet had first met, how it had come at such an already emotionally significant time in his life, and most certainly been the starting point of their unexpected relationship. And while Zack would never regret the time they had spent together since then, he couldn't help but think that, at times, perhaps it would have been better if they'd never met at all. It was a selfish thought and just one more to add to his list, the guilt of it all burning away deep inside his body and making him feel even more disgust at what he had become. But still that revulsion was only slightly less painful than the memories he was currently recalling, as he looked back upon their past together and tried to find the exact point when his love for the blonde had changed
It had all begun with the hunt for Genesis, which had been complicated and revealed more than he'd wanted to know. The lies and deceit he'd begun to see only worsening and raising more questions as those in power quickly tried to cover up the truth. Then Angeal's disappearance had cut him to the core, the whispered words of traitor being spoken about his dear friend and mentor stinging harshly even as he pretended not to hear them. These things had left him feeling both weak and vulnerable at heart, though he often pretended otherwise so as not to draw attention, and he would always save the tears of his aching soul for the night when no one else could see them flow.
But then fate had stepped in and through a shared near death experience had brought them together, the helicopter crash being just one more disastrous event in his life at that time yet also bringing with it a ray of hope and light. He knew that without it he never would have met Cloud or grown to care for him, just as he understood that things would not have progressed the way they did with any other.
He remembered how the unknown cadet had smiled that shy smile while walking beside him, the strong confident steps as they moved through the mountains showing a strength not yet recognised to its full potential. They had passed the time in silence until Zack had casually spoken a few words of praise about his ability to keep up, the young blonde clearly a little surprised to hear them as he mumbled a quick reply. And what a reply it had been. The softly spoken words of "well I'm a country boy too" somehow soothing not only the soldier's heart, but also his soul as well. It also showed Zack that unlike the other cadet far behind them this one had been listening and paying attention to his superiors. Even when he shouldn't have been. And the soldier could remember smiling back at him with pleasure and amusement, the cautious yet spirited youth intriguing him and warming a place in his chest which he'd begun to fear would never feel that way again.
It had also been the first time that Zack had actually been happy with who he was again, the facade he'd learnt to wear slipping away to show genuine pride in who and what he was. He'd enjoyed the way his words had drawn the initially hesitant Cloud from his shell and then stirred the cadet to challenge him as well, the proud declaration of his own place of birth drawing a delightful chuckle from the blonde which had instantly relit a spark deep within him. But it was those first few questions which had allowed him to discover that they had so much in common; their 'backwater' sounding homes being just the start of it once they had really started talking. And then, somewhere amongst the cold mountains and snow, he'd found a reason to smile and laugh again. The light-hearted banter which had formed between them, as they'd walked side-by-side along the unknown path, slowly adding more fuel to the fire of life in his soul. So that once again it began to burn brightly.
Although what had really made his heart skip a beat during all of this was when Cloud had actually revealed himself, when the nervous cadet had removed his military uniform helmet and taken Zack's breath away with his beauty as he made his identity known. It was then that the soldier knew his heart had begun beating for a different reason, the tell-tale rush of emotions coursing through his veins as he stared into those glorious sky blue eyes and saw such innocence and confidence shining there.
That had been the first time they'd met and it had not been the last, his own pain at the death of Angeal and Cloud's subsequent injuries from the same incident quickly forming an unspoken bond between them. Except first he'd been sent away to 'heal'. Whatever that meant? ShinRa having unofficially decided that he might be a risk not only to himself but also others if he wasn't given time to grieve properly after killing his mentor. In truth though Zack had spent most of the time thinking about the young cadet he'd met. His memory of spiky blonde hair and bright sapphire orbs against pale skin making things inside him flutter with life, when all else around him still seemed dead.
Cloud was the reason he'd returned to Midgar and not the attack at the beach, the Genesis clones just providing a nice opportunity to get him back home again. Yet even when he'd returned there had been very little time for them both, with the blonde's training and his own missions rarely giving them time to see each other. But when they did meet up life had become worth living again, his world becoming brighter with every joy he felt when Cloud was around as well as feeling the pleasures they came to share when the night found them in each other's arms.
Zack knew he had been the one to take the young cadet's innocence, the first to kiss those untouched soft lips, and certainly the only person to hear such wonderfully pure breathless cries of passion escape that glorious lithe body. But now things were different because something had changed, his feelings towards the blonde no longer what they'd been before, and for the life of him the young 1st couldn't say when or why it had happened. He just didn't understand what had been said or done to alter his emotions so much in such a short space of time, the love and passion which he'd felt so strongly for Cloud at the start seemingly gone from within him. But what caused Zack the most guilt in all of this now, was that he knew the young cadet had also started to notice this change in their relationship and that hurt him in a way which no physical wound ever could.
He couldn't deny that the time they now spent together had steadily become less and less, and not just because they each had their own duties to attend too. That where before nights had been spent sneaking around and trying to be together, there was now an unspoken distance between them. Both quietly accepting and allowing the old routine of sleeping in separate rooms and on separate beds to happen more often than not. It was also hard to avoid the fact that on the nights when Cloud did stay at his place things had somehow become awkward between them. The few occasions when the blonde had bravely reached out a trembling hand to him in the dark, with a hesitant and clearly uncertain intimate touch to his back or shoulder, normally ending up with his own weak excuses of being too tired or not in the mood.
He also couldn't ignore how the shy loving smiles he'd always gotten from the blonde were slowly developing a more hurt and lost look with each passing day. The strong confident cadet he'd meet all those weeks ago gradually being drowned and washed away before his very eyes in an ever rising sea of confusion and self-doubt. Yet Cloud himself said nothing of these things if he did feel them. The blonde's quiet withdrawal into himself when they were together and things were uncomfortable, only being made worse by the gradually filling pained depths visible in his darkening sombre sapphire eyes.
Zack knew it was wrong and deceitful of him to continue the lie of their relationship if that's all it was now. His feelings in constant turmoil as he tried to work out if what he'd felt was real or if it had just been the result of needing someone. And that was what made the soldier feel cold inside again, the idea that he'd misled Cloud with emotions which weren't really there only to fulfil his own desires. That the love he'd often referred to was in fact just a result of his physical needs trying to justify themselves. Because, sad as it was, he had needed. He'd needed a friend to confide in all those months ago, someone to hold him when the pain and loss became too much, and a companion to give him pleasure as well as a reason to live again.
But now things were falling apart around him again and he didn't have time to think about his own problems anymore. His past wounds not exactly healed, but as patched up as they were ever going to be. ShinRa was in trouble and he knew it, the cooperation's own lies clearly catching up to them as their own soldiers began to leave and turn against them. No one could trust the man beside him fully anymore, the doubt and suspicion spreading like a poison through it all. And because of this Zack found he was pulling away from Cloud more and more, the guilt he felt at having possibly used the cadet in such a way only causing more distance to form between them.
It was only as the first rays of sunshine peeked over the horizon that Zack realised the night had finally given way to morning, the faint light of early dawn gradually spreading outwards and blanketing the world in a soft warm glow. But inside the soldier's chest there was a cold feeling which just wouldn't go away, a place deep in Zack's heart which the light couldn't touch, and a voice within his head telling him that he couldn't keep doing this to either of them anymore.
It was the familiar blaring noise of his bedroom alarm clock going off unnecessarily that pulled the soldier from his sombre thoughts, the unexpected sound instantly cutting through the thick silence and inadvertently flipping a switch in Zack's head so that he finally reach a decision. After the Nibelheim mission he would stop acting like a scared chocobo and deal with it properly, would sit down and talk to Cloud about the things he was avoiding and at least tell the blonde the truth about his feelings now.
After all, it was the least the young cadet deserved before his life was dragged any further into hell by the deceit which already filled the world around him.
Part 2 coming soon.