Hanna sank down on the steps in her house, her head leaned up against the railing. It was dark inside and outside. She hadn't bothered to turn a light on. What was the point? No one was home. She liked it this way, though. It was better this way. Hanna needed to be alone on nights like this. If Hanna had it her way, she would be alone every night.
She stood up and walked to the kitchen. There was nothing in here for her; nothing she wanted. It was junk, all of it. Hanna opened the fridge and pulled out the remaining portion of her birthday cake. She wished her mom hadn't saved it. She told her mom to get rid of it. Send it with the neighbors, Hanna said. Do whatever you want. Instead, Ms. Marin stashed it in the fridge right in front of Hanna. There was still half a cake left.
The other girls didn't understand. Hanna pulled out a fork and poked the cake thoughtfully before plunging in and getting her first taste of the strawberry frosting. Ali understood. As much as Hanna hated everything Ali ever did to her, Ali understood. She had helped Hanna. Hanna knew it was stupid. It was unhealthy. It was dangerous. But Hanna was desperate both for Ali's affection and to join in her friends when they exchanged clothes. She was so jealous that they could do that. Hannah dropped the fork for a second and looked down at her top.
It was Emily's. She had borrowed it last weekend.
Hanna picked the fork up again and took another bite. The clock on the wall was the only sound besides her chewing. Her mom wouldn't be home for hours. Hanna's dad was in town. They both encouraged Hanna to come to dinner with them, but she declined. She wanted nothing to do with the man that left her behind. If her mom wanted to get hurt again, so be it. Hanna wasn't having it.
It was funny to think about Alison now. It had been months since her body was found but every day Hanna thought back to the hot summer days the five girls laid sprawled out sun bathing or swimming at Spencer's pool. There were times that Hanna felt she was part of an all-exclusive club that only the most powerful girls of Rosewood could join. How elitist, she thought as she took another bite of cake. Ali was their president. No, Ali was their dictator. Hanna still couldn't believe how many secrets she spilled to Ali, how many secrets were created because of Ali – it was disgusting. Hanna never loved and hated someone so much at the same time. Ali was responsible for A and A would be responsible for Hanna's ultimate downfall.
With only half the cake left, she dug through her bag and pulled out her cell phone. A's text was still open on her phone. Tears brimmed Hanna's eyes but she wiped them away. This, Hanna thought, was the ultimate betrayal.
There was a photo open on Hanna's phone. A sent it. Hanna remembered taking the photo. Well, no. Hanna remembered the photo being taken. She remembered the flash and how it burned her skin almost as badly as the blade of the knife she used to cut herself. Her parents had just separated. Hanna locked herself in the bathroom. She didn't know how long it had been. After a while, the hours seemed to blur together and Hanna found herself sitting at the edge of the tub with the water running, soaking her feet. Aria had come by first but given up after a half an hour of pounding at the door. Emily and Spencer came as a team. They, too, gave up. It was Alison who busted down the door and found Hanna sitting on the tubs edge, her thigh with three deep gashes on it, and the tub water a faint pink. Ali had slammed the door shut. Hanna was too slow; she couldn't close the curtains to the tub fast enough. Ali snapped a pick of Hanna, her leg, and the blade in her hand before Hanna could stop her.
"That'll teach you to do that again," she hissed. "I'll show everyone."
"Ali don't," Hanna pleaded.
"I promise I won't tell anyone if you promise not to do it again."
Hanna never did end up doing it again and Ali never stopped reminding her of her threat. At the time, Hanna thought it was just Ali's way of being a friend. Now Hanna wasn't so sure. Someone out there had the picture; they had all the secrets that the girls ever told Ali.
She slipped the remaining cake back into the fridge and climbed upstairs into her bathroom. Hanna dug through the cabinet until she found a fresh razor. She snapped it in half and broke the top so the five tiny blades slid out individually. Hanna slipped off her shorts and ran the bath water, fiddling with the blade between her fingers. She could still see the faint scars from two years ago where she had cut herself for the first time.
When the tub water ran up to the very edge, Hanna took one of the thin, flimsy blades and dug into her skin.
"You broke your promise," Hanna whispered. "So I am too."