Home to You

I sigh as I enter my office early on Monday morning. It's the last time I will come into this particular office and I am convinced I won't miss it but I'm not too sure about the future. I've been waiting to hear from Jack McCoy about my next assignment and it could pretty much be anything. I turn on my ipod and then open my desk drawer and start emptying the the contents into a cardboard box.

Several boxes later and there isn't anything left to put into the current half filled box. All of my relevant files are boxed and really shouldn't be any cause for concern in the future. Appeals has been fairly boring but a much needed break after my failed attempt at Bureau Chief. It's been 2 years since I left that division and I didn't look back. But to be honest, I haven't looked back on much since returning from WPP.

I catch my phone as it vibrates off my desk and manage to answer it without dropping it, "Cabot."

"Alex, it's Jack. I have something for you but I don't know how you're going to feel about it. Kim Greylek has been called back to the Justice Department. Can you catch her cases for the next few weeks?"

I notice the wall clock hasn't made it into my box and I walk across the office and take it off the wall before asking, "What division has she been covering?" I'm putting the clock into the box before I hear him begin his answer.

"She's been working with SVU. I know you said you didn't want to go back there but I could use you there. The detectives could use you there. They have fought tooth and nail with Greylek and they could use a familiar face."

I want to but I don't. I sit in the deskchair but I don't have any words. I'm lost in a moment from years ago, a memory of seeing a dark SUV barreling toward me on the street and gunfire erupting. I have so many great memories of my days prosecuting sex crimes but that night changed so much for me. I had such a great working relationship with the 1-6 but that one night still haunts my nightmares. It changed everything about who I am.

"Alex, I don't have anybody to fill in for right now. Give it a week or two. It's temporary. If you don't want it long term, you don't have to take it. I just need you right now," he nearly begs of me.

"Okay, until you can find somebody else," comes out of my mouth without me realizing I've spoken. Why did I agree to this?

"Thanks Alex, I owe you. Your next assignment is whatever you want."

Before ending the call, I manage to say, "I'm requesting your job." I've been avoiding my former co-workers for three years. I miss them but I barely think of them anymore. About once a month, I catch myself ducking into a stairwell in the courthouse to avoid Detective Benson. I nearly walked into her one day a few months back but she was preoccupied and didn't see me. We were only a few feet apart from one another.

I haven't seen Detectives Stabler or Munch but I did eat lunch with Fin last year. It was by accident that I bumped into him. I was lost in thought when I walked into my favorite deli and I didn't even notice him come in behind me. He was directly behind me in line. After I ordered, he spoke to me. We ended up sitting together and catching up a little. It was awkward but I couldn't walk away from him. He did promise to never mention it to the others after he informed me of how much I had hurt them.

After my boxes have all been moved to my temporary office one floor higher, McCoy texts me about meeting the detectives at a crime scene. I call Cragen and he says he wants me to ride over with him. I wait in front of One Hogan Place until Cragen arrives.

It's been a long day of more depraved parts of humanity. It's just another day on the job but some days, I hate my job. This is one of them. A child molester has been murdered. The monster becomes the victim. We are waiting for the captain who has asked us to take a moment. So, we are just outside standing around waiting for whatever the captain is wanting.

I see him off in the distance and El comes to stand near me. I can feel him just as much as see him out of the corner of my eye. He's just as amazed as I am to see a blond walking with Captain Cragen. She's so familiar but it can't be true. I hear Munch quietly say, "No way, that can't be." But it is, it's Alex.

I hear myself say her name but I'm incapable of coherent thoughts and words. I'm stunned. The last time I saw her was in a courtroom three years ago. That day was the last time she willingly spoke to me and it was the day I thought my heart had been ripped from my chest.

We make it through the crime scene and my brain has slowly come around. I can't believe she is here but if I don't think about her I will be able to function. She's trying to stay seperate from us and for now, I'm letting her. I don't have much to say to her yet, at least nothing I can say in front of the guys.

After we finish with the crime scene, Elliot and I ride back to the 16th. I know he's thinking about her and I know I am too. He's quiet in this supportive way but I know he wants to ask me how I'm feeling. I fake being strong really well but he can always figure out when I'm not so strong. He turns on the radio when I don't speak and then reaches over and pats my shoulder as he eases through traffic. I lean my head against the window and let him take me wherever.

I know it shook her up to see me. It shook me up to hear her voice. Sometimes when I can't sleep, I try to remember what her voice sounded like before everything had went insane. We weren't intimate. We were something though. Before my time in WPP, we spent plenty of time together away from work. I don't think either of us were rushing to define anything. There were plenty of dinner dates and hand holding. I loved her. I don't know how she felt about me but I loved her. It was just awkward because I had never been with a woman. I had never thought I could be attracted to women until I met her.

I remember how nervous I felt around her and find myself smiling. She seemed so sure of herself all of the time, until the first time we were alone together away from work. She had promised me dinner after I fought to get her a case changing warrant. She was making good on her promise and showed up at my office around 7pm a few days later. I don't remember where we went, only how she wouldn't speak on the ride. She stammered throughout dinner and I found myself confused and frustrated because she never acted like that around me.

By the time she paid the bill, I was almost aggravated with her. Normally, we spoke nonstop and that night I couldn't get her to say more than one word responses. I remember asking her if she was angry about promising the dinner. She was cute when she was apologizing. She was tripping over her words and then I realized she was nervous. As she drove me back to my car at the office, I was busy trying to figure out what about me would cause her to be so nervous. We were friends and colleagues and she had never been anything but confident and almost cocky.

That night ended in the car park for the One Hogan. She pulled up behind my BMW and before I got out, I hugged her. I don't know what came over me but I made sure my mouth was close to her ear and whispered, "Thanks for dinner, Detective." When I pulled away, she was blushing but smiling also.

That was how we started dating. We were going slow because of my inexperience with women. She told me shortly after that night that she was bisexual. She laughed when I told her I was possibly confused. I did fall in love with her, we just never spent the night together. She was ok with slow.

Yesterday, seeing Alex was too much for me. I'm stronger today. It's funny to say but Melinda met up with me and gave me a shoulder. She knew back then. She saw more than anybody in the few times she saw Alex and I together. Melinda is such a constant for me, kind of like a big sister, except we are the same age. But she does fill a sisterly role for me.

Today, I'm armed. I'm armed with anger and resentment. That's what I need to deal with her on the "temporary basis" as she referred to her role with us. We don't need her around. I don't need her. I keep telling myself that as I walk into the squad room Tuesday morning. I feel good, I look good and I'm fine without Alex.

I fix my coffee and take a seat at my desk. Elliot and Fin aren't in yet. Munch is sitting at his desk reading a newspaper and Cragen is in his office. When he looks up and sees me, he motions for me to come in his office. I'm reluctant because I know what, make that whom, he wants to talk about.

"Hey, Cap," I say walking in and doing my best to look upbeat. "What have we got today?"

"We have a previously dead ADA who has reappeared after ignoring you for a few years. That's what we have. Is this going to be a bigger problem for you than what I think it is?"

"Sir, I'm not sure what,"

"Olivia, don't play with me," he interrupts, "I know you two were close and I saw your face yesterday. You probably would've looked less surprised if Donald Trump was standing with me. You didn't expect it and neither did I. Are you ok?"

I didn't have a dad growing up. My coworkers know this. Donald Cragen is the only father figure I've ever had. He's watched me grow from a rookie detective into a seasoned veteran. He's watched my failures and victories. He's coached me and scolded me. He's one of the few men in my life that I trust with my life. Those other men I trust are in my unit also, but Captain Cragen is the closest thing to a father that I've ever had. I can't lie to him, well, I can try but it rarely works out well,

"Captain, I'm going to do my best. She didn't contact me for a reason. I don't know what it was but I know she had her reasons. I can deal with it. It's not that big of a deal."

He looks at my skeptically and nods, "I expect you will let me know if there is any kind of problem. And if you need anything, talk to somebody. I'm here for you, just remember that."

I walk out feeling a little flustered. My earlier pep talk seems useless now. All I can think about is how devastated I was for months. How I waited for her for over a year after she returned. I remember what it felt like to see her engagement in the paper. I remember driving to her apartment and the doorman letting me in. I remember standing outside her door and hearing her laughing at something a man was saying. I couldn't make out the words but it felt like a slap in the face. I remember enough to be angry instead of hurt.

I'm return to my desk just in time to hear it, Alex Cabot's heels. I don't look up, I don't even want to see her yet. But, there she is and she takes up her old spot, leaning against my desk. I'm still not looking up at her. I'm being stubborn and I'm very aware of it. She shifts against my desk and I still resist the urge. I'm not even willing to speak to her yet. I just want to remain as professional as possible. I won't look, I won't look.

"Detective Benson, could I have word with you?" I'm still not looking. I mumble, "sure go ahead."

"In private, I thought maybe on the way for coffee."

I don't want to go anywhere with her. I don't want to go outside at all. I glance up and say, "Munch made coffee earlier, there's still some in the pot." I don't watch her reaction. I don't look up again. I do notice her move to the coffee pot and begin to make a cup.

Elliot walk in as she's stirring in the cream and sugar. He sits at his desk and gives me a questioning look. I shrug and go back to the DD5 I was working on a moment before. Cabot comes back to my desk and resumes her leaning. She isn't saying anything and now I feel my face turning red. I know Munch and Stabler are waiting to see what happens between us.

Alex clears her throat and says, "Detective, may I have a word in private?" She's louder this time and I know the guys here her. I don't say anything but move away from my desk and stand. I don't look directly at her. I walk around the desk and stand close to where she is and just wait for her to lead the way.