This is a short vignette, an AU fic of Aya contemplating suicide. Pretty
intense stuff. Just out of thought.enjoy.
-------------------
I Refuse To Die
-------------------
So this is me. My hair is messed up, makeup smudged on my face from tears,
tears that mean nothing. I've got cuts all over, the scent of alcohol
reeking on the floor. In one corner of the room, the window curtains are in
tatters, torn out of rage, another corner, bottles of various pills. Of
drugs. Of anything that empties your mind and has no remorse for the
departure, only pain and confusion. And worse. I'm in a fetal position,
hugging a teddy bear that a long-lost friend gave me, rocking, making
lowing sounds.
This is what you left me.
You. You, of all people.
I can't stop rocking. My tears are wasted. Because I wasted 17 years of
this life I had, in hopes that two of those years would be the best years
of my life. They were for you.
Otohata-kun.
Ever since I first met you, I always thought the world about you. Your
looks, your smile, your character. But I tried to hide them, in fear that
you would reject, that you, you, of all people, would ruin who I am. Fear.
It's such a powerful word, isn't it? It drives you crazy. Oh, but for me,
it's worse, much worse.
You should understand who I really am. Sure, I may be smart, and know
everything one needs to know about life, the birds, the bees, and B'z in
particular, but I am trapped. I can't get a job; my parents treat me as if
I were cattle, those ignorant excuses for guardians; and I'm forced to do
something I don't want to do, and that's be the most intelligent being the
world, and God, has ever seen.
I'm not perfect. I have no desire to be. I even had to conduct subsidized
dates for a time just to make ends meet. Did you realize that? I could have
been raped, beaten, impaled to death in the worst way you can imagine, if
Ran didn't save me.
I was free for a time back then. And then I met you. Sweet, handsome-
looking, you were like a chocolate. A chocolate that melts in your mouth,
but doesn't go away. Or at least I thought it would go away.
When I told you that I loved you, you rejected me. Straight. Forward. In my
face. Without remorse, without apologies, without regrets.
And I fell once again into the trap. The chocolate has gone, as have my
hopes of living the life I want to.
I try to get you off my head, my mind, me. I tear down the curtains, ruin
my once-clean-looking bedroom, tear off some of my hair in frustration. I
even bought pills to keep me asleep, to wake me up, to make me feel happy.
My parents don't even bother to give me counsel. They have packed their
bags, departed, oblivious. Leaving me by myself.
I don't know how to pay the bills for my house. Why don't I leave it to you
to do it? Oh, I see, you said you didn't give a shit about me. Is that it?
IS THAT IT?
No one's gonna be able to pay the bills, to pay what I owe to society. Not
you, not Ran, Miyu, Tatsukichi, Yuuya, or even poor Aya.
I've slashed myself. My arms, legs, face. The blood is still pouring down
as I write this letter. It flows like red waterfalls. Interesting that I'm
still alive, huh, Otohata-kun, as you read this?
Yet, I refuse to die. I refuse to take my life away. I value my life more
than anything else. Ran told me that. But the blood is still flowing from
these wounds I have made.
I refuse to die. I refuse to die. I refuse to.
For I want to live.
-Aya
----------------------------------
End
Review, feedback, etc. are always welcome.
intense stuff. Just out of thought.enjoy.
-------------------
I Refuse To Die
-------------------
So this is me. My hair is messed up, makeup smudged on my face from tears,
tears that mean nothing. I've got cuts all over, the scent of alcohol
reeking on the floor. In one corner of the room, the window curtains are in
tatters, torn out of rage, another corner, bottles of various pills. Of
drugs. Of anything that empties your mind and has no remorse for the
departure, only pain and confusion. And worse. I'm in a fetal position,
hugging a teddy bear that a long-lost friend gave me, rocking, making
lowing sounds.
This is what you left me.
You. You, of all people.
I can't stop rocking. My tears are wasted. Because I wasted 17 years of
this life I had, in hopes that two of those years would be the best years
of my life. They were for you.
Otohata-kun.
Ever since I first met you, I always thought the world about you. Your
looks, your smile, your character. But I tried to hide them, in fear that
you would reject, that you, you, of all people, would ruin who I am. Fear.
It's such a powerful word, isn't it? It drives you crazy. Oh, but for me,
it's worse, much worse.
You should understand who I really am. Sure, I may be smart, and know
everything one needs to know about life, the birds, the bees, and B'z in
particular, but I am trapped. I can't get a job; my parents treat me as if
I were cattle, those ignorant excuses for guardians; and I'm forced to do
something I don't want to do, and that's be the most intelligent being the
world, and God, has ever seen.
I'm not perfect. I have no desire to be. I even had to conduct subsidized
dates for a time just to make ends meet. Did you realize that? I could have
been raped, beaten, impaled to death in the worst way you can imagine, if
Ran didn't save me.
I was free for a time back then. And then I met you. Sweet, handsome-
looking, you were like a chocolate. A chocolate that melts in your mouth,
but doesn't go away. Or at least I thought it would go away.
When I told you that I loved you, you rejected me. Straight. Forward. In my
face. Without remorse, without apologies, without regrets.
And I fell once again into the trap. The chocolate has gone, as have my
hopes of living the life I want to.
I try to get you off my head, my mind, me. I tear down the curtains, ruin
my once-clean-looking bedroom, tear off some of my hair in frustration. I
even bought pills to keep me asleep, to wake me up, to make me feel happy.
My parents don't even bother to give me counsel. They have packed their
bags, departed, oblivious. Leaving me by myself.
I don't know how to pay the bills for my house. Why don't I leave it to you
to do it? Oh, I see, you said you didn't give a shit about me. Is that it?
IS THAT IT?
No one's gonna be able to pay the bills, to pay what I owe to society. Not
you, not Ran, Miyu, Tatsukichi, Yuuya, or even poor Aya.
I've slashed myself. My arms, legs, face. The blood is still pouring down
as I write this letter. It flows like red waterfalls. Interesting that I'm
still alive, huh, Otohata-kun, as you read this?
Yet, I refuse to die. I refuse to take my life away. I value my life more
than anything else. Ran told me that. But the blood is still flowing from
these wounds I have made.
I refuse to die. I refuse to die. I refuse to.
For I want to live.
-Aya
----------------------------------
End
Review, feedback, etc. are always welcome.