"Oops," said Holly.
Rimmer's stomach tightened. "What do you mean, 'oops'?" he demanded.
"Well, it's not a serious problem, not really. I mean, in terms of universal disasters like supernovae or disco music, it's really nothing at all."
"Holly." Rimmer used his most authoritative voice and gave each word equal weight. "What is the problem?"
Her eyes darted to the side. "It's hard to pin down exactly, but I boo-booed up a bit when I was updating the hologram database. I think I was supposed to hook you up using the yellow wire. I've always had a bit of a blind spot for yellow."
"You have a bit of a blind spot for brains," Rimmer said acidly. "So what is this 'boo-boo' exactly?"
Holly tilted her head to the right, where a small mirror was affixed next to the monitor. "Well, you can see for yourself."
Rimmer stared in the mirror. An attractive brunette stared back at him, her thickly-lashed hazel eyes widening in shock. "You turned me…into a woman."
Lister walked into the room, eating barbecue crisps out of his pockets. "Hey Hol, what's…" He stopped dead when he saw Rimmer and let the crumbs in his hand fall to the floor. "Kochanski?" he said. "Krissy, is that you?"
"No, of course not!" Rimmer said. He clamped his hand over his mouth as he realized that his voice suddenly sounded much more feminine. It wasn't quite Kochanski's voice, but it certainly wasn't his, either.
"Krissy, I've missed you so much," Lister said, putting his arms around Rimmer. "C'mon, give me a kiss."
"Wait, he can touch m—" Rimmer began before he was interrupted by a passionately inept open-mouth kiss that tasted of barbecue crisps and vindaloo. Lister finally broke away and looked down at Rimmer/Kochanski with a dazed, sappy look on his face. He gently traced the H on his/her forehead.
Holly coughed politely. "Well Arnold, it seems that when your program merged with Kochanski's, the power surge made your light bee act like a hard light drive. You're solid as a rock now."
"Holly, could you…could you please use a different metaphor?" Rimmer said, pushing Lister's body away from his with extreme distaste. "And why couldn't you have told me about this before he touched me?"
Lister stared in dumb shock as he suddenly recognized Rimmer's distinctively grating tone of voice. "You can't be serious," he said. He gawked at the holographic woman in front of him. "That's Smeghead? That gorgeous woman, the one who looks just like Kochanski, that fine specimen of the female form… is Rimmer?"
He looked to Holly for support, but Holly simply glanced around evasively. Finally Lister squinted again at the person he had assumed was Kochanski. No, it wasn't quite right. Her hair curled a little too much, her nose was wrong, and her eyes weren't exactly the right color. "Oh smeg, it is you," he said.
"I'm not exactly thrilled about this either," Rimmer said. "Three million and four years without any sensation, and the first thing I get is a personal introduction to your lack of dental hygiene."
"Holly!" Lister said, pounding his fist on the computer screen. "Why the smeg didn't you tell me it was Rimmer before I stuck my tongue down his throat?"
"Yes, why not?" Rimmer demanded.
"Well," said Holly, a faint smile on her face, "I hated to interrupt."