A/N: Just something I came up with during lunchtime.
"Eat. Eat. Eat."
The voices in my head, the voices of my friends, the voices of my family. They taunt me, teasing me with the idea of food, the idea of creamy chocolate melting into a thick puddle in my mouth. Twisting an oreo, licking the thick vanilla flavoured cream and then depositing that sweet chocolate biscuit down my throat.
But I can't. I can't do that to myself. All of it is just fat, fat, fat. I'm just throwing fat down my throat. I can't eat anything - even fruit has calories, 105 calories per banana. That's a lot. I have to eat my dinner, or my parents would realise there's something up, but I just eat half then complain of feeling sick or full. It works; they don't notice.
There is no one who can help, unless they have a magic food which has zero calories, carbohydrates and fats. Well, there is this one thing... it's called air. And it suits me just fine.
Breakfast is fine - I'm so distracted in the morning that I don't even have time to think about eating. My family all eat breakfast ay different times so no one notices, and I'm so clumsy that even if I have a bad day and want food then I usually forget to eat and to put any lunch in my bag to take to school.
Lunch and breaktime's are a little different, a little harder. Unique knows about... my issues. She constantly tries to offer me food, to catch me off guard. Now and then I'll accept and only remember that I shouldn't have when it's too late and the food is already on its way to my thighs. At lunchtime everyone else has food, usually I get away with saying I forgot my food and no one notices. But it's still hard - watching everyone else eat, even when I avert my eyes and escape in the Hunger Games book series, I can still smell it. The cheese and pickle sandwiches, the roast chicken potato chips. It causes my stomach to gurgle and beg me to feed it. I want to obey, but it's not that I eat, I feel so guilty and bloated. My self-loathing worsens. I feel sick. So it's just easier to ignore it, to dull down the feeling with water or even blackcurrant squash if I feel that bad. That has calories, but not too many. If I don't drink it then I feel dizzy way too often, and if I passed out at school then my secret would be out.
Once I get home and no one's around, the urge to binge is huge. I do some exercise and drink a lot to try and combat my hunger, or try and distract myself by playing Sims. I usually weigh myself then, to encourage myself not to eat. If none of that works then I binge. Potato chips, soup, bread, bacon, eggs, omelettes, pasta. Nothing is safe.
Then I feel sick. My dad comes home around then and shouts at me for eating all the food. He calls me fat. Says I don't need it, my ass is already big enough.
He puts dinner on, says I better eat it after all that or else. So I eat it, and consequently feel even worse. That's when I go to bed and plan what I eat the next day. And it's not very much.