Dear Beatrice,
My name is Lemony Snicket and I realise that you have never seen or heard of me before but, I beg of you, you must read this letter. The world is not what you think it is and I am writing to warn you that you are in great danger.
Mr Baudelaire, you're – how shall I put it – close friend – is not who he appears to be. He is a charming man, I assure you, but there is more to him than what firsts meets the eye. Given I am as fictional as you are, when somebody in this world receives a letter that contains the sentence 'Mr Baudelaire, your – how shall I put it-close friend – is not who he appears to be' we assume that the writer is warning us of a Bad Guy who we should look out for.
But, if we venture out of our fictional world then we will realise that there is no such thing as 'Good Guy's and Bad Guy's because everybody has different opinion on the Guy's in this world and so we cannot possibly categorise everybody into a 'Good Guy' or a 'Bad Guy' especially if that person happens to be a lady, because ladies are not Guys at all. What I am saying is that although I may be a 'Good Guy' to my dear friend Larry the Waiter or Josephine Anwhistle, I am almost certainly a 'Bad Guy' to Fernald and Count Olaf.
To Mr Baudelaire, you are most certainly a Good Lady-Guy, but what he has not told you yet is that he is part of V.F.D. V.F.D stands for many, many things from doilies to fire engines to violet flowers, but the V.F.D. I am talking about stands for a Very Financial Discovery.
This Discovery has not been made yet, but the code to the discovery is in the Sugar Bowl, which is what V.F.D. are looking for. V.F.D used to be one organisation that wanted the contents of the Sugar Bowl for one thing and one thing only. (I shall not write down the contents of the Sugar Bowl in case this falls into the wrong hands.) But since then, it has split and many members who appear to be working in the organisation have made a Victimising Fiendish Decision of there own, which is to use the Sugar Bowl for some purpose that I have not yet been enlightened with, This organisation is made up of about fifty people, scattered all over the world. They're leader's names are so deadly that I will describe them to you as the Man with a Beard but no Hair and a Women with Hair but no Beard (which is a very tragic thing to have lost.)
The organisation Mr Baudelaire works for has been free form any of these people until now, when a certain member has turned, a phrase which here means: a man called Count Olaf has changed his ways in order to become what you and I must know as a Bad Guy. Count Olaf is working with Mr Baudelaire, who is still in the dark about what he is doing, and together they have discovered something in your house which they need to get to Dark Avenue, where J.S is currently situated. Mr Baudelaire plans to marry you, obeying Olaf's orders so that the house can be burned down in fourteen and a half years time, which is the time it will take to put his plan into action in the Valley of Four Drafts. During that time, you and Mr Baudelaire will escape to Dark Avenue in order to begin your journey to the Sugar Bow. I must not reveal its whereabouts in such an unreliable tool as paper.
I gained this information from Larry, who said 'I didn't realise this was a sad occasion' to me at a restaurant when I was grieving my dead mother a few weeks back. Without really knowing what I was doing, I shrugged sadly and replied 'the world is quite here,' to him, before prodding my Cheer up Cheese Burger half-heartedly with my fork. Larry then gave a gasp and asked me if I was me to which I replied that 'Yes, of course I was me else who else would I be?'
Larry gave me a note of information before hurrying off. I have recorded everything you need to know in this letter, but he gave me some other information about the sugar bowl which has made me see what I must do. Since then and now, I have spoken to Count Olaf and know more of his plan than I did before. In order to know the whereabouts of the sugar – bowl it seems, he needs money, and so plans to steal your fortune, along with three other families: the Quagimires, the Jones and the Royal's. I have told you everything I am able to in this letter, and I have given it to Larry to deliver. Next time a waiter says to you 'I didn't realise this was a sad occasion' reply with the informative and this letter will be given to you.
After all this writing I have realised that the information you need to gain this letter, is inside the letter itself and so I shall keep this on my table and grieve over it as I wonder if you would have survived if I had told you all you needed to know. It is a bit like putting a treasure map inside a treasure chest.
You do not know me, and you never will, and I should like you to remember that only I have no way of telling you without revealing who I am, which would spoil the statement entirely. What a very messed up world this is. There are to many secrets to hide and to many facts to make sense of.
Whatever happens, you must remember that nobody is a Good Guy or a Bad Guy. Not even Olaf.
With all due respect,
Lemony Snicket.