Kate pulled her cardigan around her and folded her arms across her chest. The surroundings were familiar to her but she didn't know where she was or what she was doing there.She walked a little further, smiling to herself at the spring flowers which were just pushing through the earth.
And then as she rounded a gentle bend in the path, she spotted a familiar figure in the distance. And she suddenly remembered why she was there.Her pace quickened and the smile on her face broadened.
She broke into a jog, her cardigan flapping behind her in the breeze, her hair slowly coming loose from its band. But she wasn't making any headway.If anything, she was further away.She stared into the distance, confused and bewildered.She needed to reach her, needed to be with the only person she had ever truly loved, the only person who had ever truly understood her.
She started running again, this time with passion and purpose. She put her head down and pumped her arms and legs.After a short time, she was breathless and unable to carry on any more.Stopping, she bent double, her hands on her waist, her chest rising rapidly.
Slowly, she raised her head and looked in dismay. The figure was gone and she dropped to her knees, her hands clutching her stomach.
"No!"
Caroline jolted awake and pulled herself upright in the chair. She angled her head and listened. Had Kate just called out? She moved forward and stood at the side of the hospital bed, lowering her ear to the breathing tube.
"It's alright Kate. I'm here. Ssshhhh. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."
She carefully picked up her hand in her own and ran the palm of her other hand over her forehead, gently stroking the bridge of her nose with her little finger.
"Kate, can you hear me? Kate, it's Caroline."
Nothing.
"If you can hear me, squeeze my hand. Or open your eyes."
Still nothing.
Caroline's posture slumped and she stood looking at her wife, the tears coursing down her cheeks. She stood that way for almost an hour, speaking softly to Kate and caressing her cheek and rubbing the back of her hand. She longed for her to open her eyes so she could lose herself in the depths of them. And her heart yearned to see the twinkle that appeared when she smiled.
"Hello love. Any change?"
Caroline turned slowly at the sound of Celia's voice. The look in her daughters' eyes pained her and she walked to her side and put her arm around her.
"Not really."
"Oh love."
Celia took Caroline in her arms and gently forced her head onto her shoulder. She rubbed her back and rocked her slowly from side to side.
Her body shook as she silently sobbed in the warmth and safety of her mother's arms, a thousand words unspoken. Eventually, she pulled away and wiped her tears with the sleeve of her jumper.
"Anyway, how are you? How are the boys? And Alan? I hope they are all behaving themselves."
"Yes, they're all fine. Don't you worry about them. You concentrate on Kate and the baby. How is little Flossie?"
Caroline wandered back over to the bed and placed her hand on Kate's shoulder.
"Oh, the baby is fine. They wheeled her in here this morning and I held her and fed her. She looks so tiny. So tiny and and, well, so helpless. She still needs the incubator for a little while because of her jaundice and her low blood sugar. But you would expect that wouldn't you, you know after what she has been through. Poor little mite. I mean, it was a shock for her as well wasn't it? Let's not forget that. Being wrenched from her mother, from Kate like that. It was a million miles away from what we had planned. We wanted it to be so peaceful and calm and so, well so not like this."
"Come on love. Don't you go upsetting yourself. You need to keep your head together for both of the girls. Here, I've brought you a flask of tea and something to eat. And some clean clothes to get changed into. Why don't you go and grab a shower while I stay here?"
Caroline started to walk away from the bed and then turned and went back to be at Kate's side.
"I don't know mum. What if Kate needs me? What if something, well you know, what if something "
She paused, unable to say any more.
"Happens? Nothing is going to happen. And besides you're only down the corridor. Go on. It might make you feel better. It will certainly make you smell better."
Caroline laughed feebly and placed her hand on her hip. She raised her eyebrows at her mother.
"Are you implying that I smell?"
Celia was at her side and she took hold of her hand.
"Only ever so slightly. Now get a move on. I'll be here when you get back."
Caroline closed her eyes and tipped her head back. The water poured onto her face making it difficult for her to breath but she kept her head in the same position, allowing the water to cascade into and over her open mouth until she couldn't hold her breath any longer and she had no choice but to turn away. Her chin fell onto her chest and she panted lightly and ran both her hands through her hair, moving it off her face completely.
Less than 4 days ago, she and Kate had gotten married and they had spent the day celebrating with their friends. The day didn't go off without drama. How could it when Celia was her mother? Things were never straight forward when she was around. That said what had happened that day was all but forgotten now. Forgiven in the throes of the devastating tragedy that had beset the family less than 24 hours after the marriage ceremony.
Kate had promised to be back as soon as she had dropped the boys off. William was returning to Oxford by train and Lawrence was going round to Angus' to give Caroline and Kate time to themselves. Little did they know what was in store for them. She still remembered the knock on the door and the 2 police officers stood on the doorstep. She could still recall every word of the conversation she had had with them and every detail of the accident that Kate had been involved in. However the time that had passed between that day and now was pretty much a blur.
In times of adversity, Caroline normally went into auto pilot. She took control of the situation and commanded her resources like an army of well-trained soldiers. She was level headed and logical and formulated a plan of action quickly and succinctly. But now she was the total opposite. On the outside, she was the same Caroline. Perhaps a little dishevelled and dark eyed but to anyone who didn't know her, she was every inch the head teacher of a very successful independent school, professional to the core. However, she was like a duck swimming against the tide and under the surface of the water, she was moving nineteen to the dozen, struggling to keep her emotions in check and to keep focussed.
Caroline had a beautiful little girl who was being kept in an incubator and Kate was still in a coma under sedation while the doctors assessed her injuries. People had come and gone and offered their help and support although she remembered little of the conversations they had had. Most of it was inane drivel and she paid little attention. The only time she really listened was when the doctors or nurses came to talk about Kate.
The rift between Alan and herself and Alan and her mother was mended and she had even been open to consolation from Gillian. But none of that truly mattered now did it? None of it was important in the grand scheme of things.
Caroline turned off the shower and hurriedly dried herself. She rubbed her hair vigorously and blasted it with the hairdryer while she rifled through the bag her mum had given her and took out the change of clothes. She couldn't help smiling to herself as she caught a glance of how she looked in the full length mirror.
"Oh good lord! You didn't choose this outfit did you mum? I bet Lawrence grabbed the first thing he saw in my wardrobe."
She smoothed down the shirt and pulled her hair back into a clip, quickly applying some lipstick before leaving the shower room.
As she walked down the corridor, she spotted Celia and Alan waiting outside the room where Kate was. She stopped dead in her tracks and dropped the bag that she was carrying. It clattered loudly to the floor.
"Mum!"
It was an anguished cry and Celia hurried towards her.
"Don't worry love. It's OK. It's OK. The doctor is in with her. They asked if we would wait outside while they examined her and did some tests."
She lowered her voice, glanced over her shoulder at Alan and then looked back at Caroline.
"I think he wanted to examine her down below." She mouthed the last two words and indicated with her hands.
Caroline sighed and her body visibly relaxed.
"I thought that, oh God, I thought something had … do you think he would let me in, let me be there to see what is happening?"
Alan walked towards them.
"I'm sure he would love. You are her wife after all. Why don't you go in? He can always ask you to leave if he thinks you will be in the way."
Caroline leaned and kissed Alan on the cheek.
"Thank you Alan. I will."
She knocked gently on the door and without waiting for an answer, opened it slowly. The doctor had his back to her and he carried on looking through Kate's notes. If he had heard Caroline enter the room, he didn't acknowledge her. She stood with her back against the door waiting for the doctor to finish what he was doing and turn around, all the while staring nervously at what he was doing.
"Hi, I'm Kate's partner, err Kate's wife. Kate and I are, we are married."
She stepped forward and extended her hand which was met with a warm smile and a firm hand shake.
"Dr Malik. Pleased to meet you Miss err Mrs McKenzie."
"McKenzie-Dawson. Caroline McKenzie-Dawson."
The name still sounded strange to her.
"We haven't changed our names yet. We only got married 4 days ago. We haven't had time."
Her gaze fell to the floor and she chewed on the inside of her bottom lip while she regained her composure.
"How is she?"
Caroline's eyes pleaded with the doctor for some good news.
"Very poorly. Your wife is very poorly Caroline. May I call you Caroline?"
Holding up her hands and shrugging her shoulders, Caroline nodded.
"As you know, we had to remove her spleen which was ruptured in the accident. We also repaired damage to her stomach wall which had a small tear in it. There is some bruising to her liver which we are sure will heal in time and she also has superficial cuts and abrasions to her back. However the biggest concern for us is the cerebral contusion, or bruising of the brain tissue, which is one of the reasons why we still have her in an induced coma. We are waiting for the swelling to go down and we are monitoring that very closely. And last but not least, there is the small matter of the caesarean section that she underwent. How is your daughter?"
Caroline smiled at him.
"She is doing fine. A little underweight but she is getting stronger every day."
The doctor nodded.
"That's good. Good. Well I am pleased to say that things seem to be progressing well with Kate. Her vital signs are strong and I want to attempt to remove the breathing tube today. You might want to leave the room while I do that."
"Do I have to? Can't I be here? I promise I won't get in the way."
Dr Malik looked at her.
"Only if you are sure. Some people find it a little distressing."
She shook her head.
"No, I'll be fine."
Caroline stood in the corner of the room, her arms folded across her chest. From time to time, she chewed on her thumb nail, something she did when she was extremely agitated or nervous.
"What happens if, err well what happens when you take out the tube and she can't well, you know. Then what happens?"
The doctor had kind eyes and Caroline was drawn to him. He walked slowly across the room and put a reassuring hand on her arm.
"The ventilator is helping Kate because her injuries make it difficult for her to breathe well on her own. While she is on the ventilator, her body is able to rest so that it can heal. It isn't keeping her alive, just giving her that extra bit of help she needs. Does that make sense?"
Caroline slowly nodded.
"We want to give Kate a chance to breathe on her own. If she can do this, we will stop the ventilator. We will do a series of spontaneous breathing trials first to see if she is ready. Then we may use CPAP treatment - Continuous Positive Airway Pressure. She will still have the tube but we will be using the machine in a different way."
Caroline continued to listen intently to the doctor.
"We will wait and we will watch the monitors at the side of her bed. We will watch to see what happens to her oxygen saturation levels, to her heart rate, to her blood pressure. It may be that she just isn't quite ready. And if she isn't we will try again, perhaps tomorrow, perhaps the next day."
The nurse picked up her clipboard and stared intently at the monitors. She started writing something, glancing up and then back down to check that she had written everything right. She gave the doctor a small nod and he turned some of the dials on the machine and stood back, his hands clasped behind his back, his body straight.
"Sats have dropped to 97%. 96%. Stabilising at 96%."
The doctor walked up to the top of the bed. He started talking to Kate.
"OK Kate, this is nothing to worry about. We are just helping to make you better. There is one lovely lady, well 2 actually, that are desperate to see you again."
Caroline blushed and half smiled at the doctor. She fidgeted in the pocket of her jeans and started to make her way to the bed.
"Is she Ok?"
"She seems to be coping very well. We obviously need to keep a very close eye on her. We need to see how well she handles breathing on her own. But the initial signs are looking good. She is a very strong and determined woman, your wife. I think she will be OK."
A lone tear started to slide down Caroline's face and she concentrated on the face of the doctor.
"It is still very early days though Caroline. I need you to understand that. Kate is by no means out of the woods. The swelling on her brain is going down slowly but we won't be sure of the extent of the damage until she fully wakes up."
Her head snapped to the side.
"What do you mean, extent of the damage? What does that, oh God! Do you mean she could be brain err that her brain could be. What exactly are you trying to tell me doctor?"
"The brain is a very delicate and complex organ Caroline and Kate sustained quite a knock to it. When this happens …."
"Yes, yes, I know all about what happens to the brain when it is comes under considerable force Dr Malik."
Caroline was sharp with him but as soon as she realised, she slowly closed her eyes and breathed deeply.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be snippy with you. I'm asking you to give me impossible reassurances, to confirm things when you don't know yourself aren't I?"
The doctor nodded his head and sighed.
"I understand Caroline, I do. But if you want me to be honest with you then you are right. I cannot tell you what the outcomes of this will be. I pray to your God and mine that Kate is the same old Kate when she wakes from this. But I cannot guarantee it. There are no guarantees in this life. I wish there were."