Disclaimer: I don't own Glee. I don't own any of these either: "Try Not to Breathe" by REM; "To Lose My Life" by White Lies; "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan; "Hold On" by Sarah McLachlan; "With You in Your Dreams" by Hanson; "Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult; "Calling all Angels" by Train
Kurt's insomnia has gotten so bad that he can't tell if he's asleep or awake anymore. Everything kind of blurs together and becomes one stream of consciousness and he feels like he's falling apart and flying at the same time. It wasn't this bad when his father was in the hospital but now…
He sits in French, thinking about his mother and how she sang him lullabies to get him to sleep and how he can't remember what her voice sounds like anymore. He knows he has a tape of her singing, quite a few tapes actually, stashed in the bottom drawer of his dresser, but he can't bear to open it. She left him, left him when he still needed her and he'll never forgive her for it. He misses her so much and wants, needs her there, and she never will be. Because she left him, she abandoned him.
His phone vibrates in his hand and as he looks down at it he realizes he's atop a building that can't possibly exist in the real world – for one thing it's see-through and really, really high up but there's no wind. He opens his phone to see who is texting him, because he knows it's a text and not a call.
So now it's up to you. For both of us - now it's up to you...
When he looks up the bell rings and he's back in class, gathering his stuff and leaving the room. He walks through the halls, dazed and a little confused – is he awake? Is he asleep? Mercedes comes up and threads their arms together.
"Boy, you look tired, are you alright?" He turns to smile at her, nodding and starting a conversation about fashion. He's confident the circles under his eyes aren't showing, he's good at hiding bruises and such, and he knows his father hasn't seen them, so he knows she can't possibly see them either.
A large, heavy body slams into him and he goes colliding into a locker, hard. The side of his body hurts and Mercedes is urgently asking if he's okay. He straightens his clothes and nods, tersely. They go to calculus.
XXX
Two hours later, his phone vibrates and he's almost afraid he'll have another moment. When he looks down he sees Blaine's name flashing and a smile lights his face up.
Sleeping Beauty is the best Disney movie.
And thus begins an epic text battle over Disney movies. And Kurt's sure he's awake, because Blaine is too good to be a figment of his imagination.
XXX
He recognizes Rachel's room and wonders why he's in it. He can't remember getting there. Is he dreaming? Is he awake?
"Kurt? Did you hear me?" Rachel asks, looking at him in concern.
"No, I'm sorry my mind was away. What did you say?" He asks politely, trying not to let on how freaked out he is. Is he dreaming?
"I said that I think for this Glee assignment I think you and I should do 'The Point of No Return' from The Phantom of the Opera. It's perfect!" She beams at him and Kurt can't for the life of him remember what the Glee assignment for this week even was, but if she's happy then it must be okay…right?
"Okay."
As he and Rachel practice – he, of course, has the part of the Phantom and she Christine – his phone vibrates and he calls a break to check who is texting him. Blaine. He smiles.
Abandon thought & agree to come 2 Dal. Halo tournament 2 see me.
XXX
He's walking along the empty halls of McKinley and then they're the halls of Dalton and Kurt stops under a huge, beautiful glass ceiling with light shining down. This is a dream.
I will try not to breathe.
This decision is mine. I have lived a full life
and these are the eyes that I want you to remember.
No. Kurt doesn't like hearing this song and doesn't like hearing her voice singing it. No.
He jerks awake when his phone sings Katy Perry's "Firework". He looks around, confused, especially as the song changes from "Firework" to "Welcome to the Black Parade" and he realizes that his room looks like a weird mixture between his room and Artie's, which is weird because he's only been in Artie's room once. And across his wall words start to appear:
He said to lose my life or lose my love,
That's the nightmare I've been running from.
So let me hold you in my arms a while,
I was always careless as a child.
And there's a part of me that still believes,
My soul will soar above the trees.
"I need to wake up." Kurt whimpers to himself. And a horrible thought occurs to him: What if he is awake?
He falls out of his bed this time, and wow that kind of hurt, and that means he's awake doesn't it? He looks at his clock – 4 in the morning. He managed to fall asleep at midnight. Quite frankly, he didn't care if it was unhealthy; he was not going back to bed. Not today.
XXX
"Wes and David bought sweet tarts and said the grape was you while the blue was me and that somehow meant we should team up when you come here for the Halo tournament. I don't get it, but okay, whatever. What say you?" Blaine is talking and Kurt is happy, because that means he's awake.
"That's fine. So, grape huh? Why grape?" Kurt asks, tucking books into his locker and, after looking around briefly, grabs the few rubber bands he has lying there and slips them around his wrist.
"I have no idea. Something about it being 'endearing' and 'fashionable' – honestly, I think they were a little too sugar happy, if ya know what I mean?" Blaine laughed on the other end of the line and Kurt smiled, walking toward the band room for Glee club. He talks to Blaine as much as he can and as often, Blaine is one of his indicators of awareness – if he hears Blaine's voice that means he's awake. This is fact because Blaine is too wonderful, too magical, too human, and too gorgeous to be a dream.
It's why he stalls when he gets to the door, not wanting to hang up with Blaine and go back to wondering if he was awake or not.
XXX
His father is yelling at him and Kurt's fingers find the rubber band around his wrist and pull it away from the skin before letting go. It doesn't sting, so he's dreaming. Knowing that, knowing that he can scream at his father and not worry about his health or hurting his feelings, he just starts screaming at him. It makes him feel better because for all his father is "understanding" it's not like Kurt can go to him about boy trouble of ask advice. About anything. His father doesn't care about the things he's interested in, doesn't like the fact he's gay, likes Finn better than him, and while he loves Kurt he doesn't understand him, or even want to try.
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction or a beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
And it's her voice, god why, why? She left him, why is her voice in everything? And why isn't she letting him sleep? Her voice is supposed to sing him lullabies not torment him.
"LEAVE ME ALONE! I HATE YOU! YOU LEFT ME! I NEEDED YOU AND YOU LEFT ME AND I HATE YOU!" Kurt screamed, crying.
He jerked awake in his bed and reached for his phone, sobbing. He could barely make out the screen on his phone through his tears, but managed to find Blaine's number and click on it.
"Kurt?" Blaine's voice, sleepy but real and that meant he was awake.
"Why did she leave me? I needed her and she left me." He sobs out, almost incoherent.
"Whoa, whoa, what? Kurt, what? Who?"
"My mom, she left me and I needed her and why did she go?" He curls up on his side, holding the phone close to his ear, crying. Blaine makes shushing noises on the other end.
"No, no, don't think that Kurt. She didn't want to, remember? You told me she was sick. C'mon baby, don't cry. She didn't want to leave you, no one would ever ever want to leave you." Kurt just cried more.
"Did I do something? Is that why she left? I must have done something…"Kurt can't talk anymore, the pain wells up and steals all his words. Blaine makes a distressed sound on the other end of the phone.
"No, no, baby, don't ever think that. It was never anything you did, baby, it was never anything you did. You're wonderful in every way and she must have been so, so sad to leave you, but she didn't have a choice. Calm down, it's gonna be okay. She didn't leave you, Kurt. She was stolen from you, she was sick, remember?" Blaine's voice soothed the pain away and Kurt gasped a few times, trying to pull himself back together through sheer force of will – it's always worked before. "Kurt, talk to me."
"I'm sorry for waking you up, I just…" Kurt sniffed a few times, breathing deeply. "I needed someone to talk to." His eyes caught sight of his clock – 3 in the morning. "I'm sorry for freaking out on you; you must think I'm…" He trails off, not sure he can bear the thought of Blaine thinking badly of him.
"No, you were upset. I'm glad you called." Warmth wells up in Kurt, is it humanly possible for one person to make another so happy? "You want me to talk to you until you fall back asleep?" The thought of sleep frightens him, but talking to Blaine…maybe if Blaine sings him to sleep it'll be better?
"Can you sing to me?" He wipes his tears away, trying to relax.
"Of course, baby." And Kurt's breath hitches because Blaine called him an endearment. Had he been calling him that the whole time? And then Blaine started to sing, soft voice making Kurt feel better and stronger and cared for; is it possible for one person to make another feel this good about themselves?
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
You know that only time will tell
What is it in me that refuses to believe
This isn't easier than the real thing
My love
You know that you're my best friend
You know I'd do anything for you
My love
Let nothing come between us
My love for you is strong and true
Kurt smiled, he loved Sarah McLachlan. And Blaine's voice did her justice; much like his voice did Katy Perry's songs justice. And Blaine sounded like he meant what he was singing.
Am I in heaven here or am I...
At the crossroads I am standing
So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
That you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll
See another day and we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile
Across your face
Kurt closed his eyes, listening to Blaine's voice, loving it with every fiber in him.
XXX
His wrists have angry, red welts circling them, because Kurt has discovered that the pain keeps him awake and awake is good. The pain makes him aware that he's awake and also keeps him from sleep. He stays awake until he crashes and when he does, its bliss – no dreams. His grades are steady at B and his father doesn't know that Kurt doesn't really sleep much anymore.
Blaine and his fellow members of New Directions are worried about him, but they don't understand. Blaine calls everyday and Kurt clutches to his voice, because that means he's awake. Blaine sings to him often and sometimes the edges of his vision grey, as if he wants to fall asleep, but then he snaps the rubber band and he's awake.
Sectionals are in two weeks.
XXX
The week before Sectionals Rachel finds out that Kurt isn't sleeping – "Surprisingly, you can still sing and dance, but that's probably just the adrenaline rush. We need you in top condition for Sectionals if we are to win. I won't have this." – and thus arranges a new sleeping schedule for Kurt. He is to sleep with someone else, because that always helped Rachel when she was a child. Kurt doesn't fight it because he simply doesn't have the energy – he saves and uses all his energy for Glee.
He sleeps with Mercedes the first night.
It's not goodbye
Don't look back at this time as a time
Of heartbreak and distress
Remember me, remember me
'Cause I'll be with you in your dreams
Oh I'll be with you
Her voice coming from every direction and he's trapped in a room with no doors and windows. He wants to scream and shout, but instead just cries and begs her to stop. He wants Blaine.
When he wakes up, Mercedes is dead and cold and he's still crying and
Mercedes shakes him awake, looking alarmed and concerned. He cries in her arms for an hour and she falls back asleep. He stays awake, pacing her room, snapping the rubber bands to keep himself awake. He wants Blaine, but it's three in the morning and Blaine has exams this week, he needs his rest. But that doesn't stop the want.
XXX
Tina is next. She has a big dog that sleeps between them on the bed and once he wakes up to see it chewing his arm off, but there's no pain so he knows he's still asleep.
He wakes up again to see Tina draining the life of a Barbie doll that stares lifelessly at Kurt.
He wakes up again to see the room on fire.
And again to see it underwater.
The final time he crashes out of her bed and hits his head against the floor, which hurts and he's happy because that means he's awake. She wakes up and sleepily walks over to him, pulling him by the arm downstairs to make him some tea. He slept a total of two hours. He goes over his text messages, reading all the messages from Blaine and wishing he could call him, but Blaine needs to make a certain grade or he can't go to Sectionals. And Kurt needs Blaine to be at Sectionals.
XXX
Quinn's mother is only okay with Kurt sleeping over once he admits that he'd much rather "take advantage of Quinn's boyfriend then her" not that it's true in anyway, Sam is not his type for all that he's cute.
They actually spend most of the night talking about Quinn's family and why Kurt still hasn't forgiven Quinn's mother for kicking her out when her father discovered she was pregnant. Quinn reveals that she hasn't forgiven her mother either and will never trust her again, but stays in the same house because what else can she do? She won't be able to graduate High School without a home so it's purely a case of self preservation.
He finds himself underwater, in a city that doesn't exist. Waterfalls fall up and he thinks he sees Jesse St. James' head floating above the city which freaks him out, because why are these things so violent?
"Not everyone should be parents."
Across the cobblestones he's walking on, words wind their way in front of him, forcing him to read them.
All our times have come
Here but now they're gone
Seasons don't fear the reaper
Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain
We can be like they are
"Don't fear the Reaper."
He sits and covers his ears because he doesn't want this, he doesn't want this, why can't she let him sleep? Why is she torturing him? Wasn't it enough that she left him, abandoned him, and now she's coming back to what? Prove she never loved him and still doesn't?
He gets it – he's unworthy of love and will never be loved, he gets it, but does she have to shove it in his face?
He wakes up to Quinn stretching and going about the motions of her morning routine.
"Oh, hey, sleeping beauty. Heads up, your boy called earlier – your ringtone woke me up – so I answered. He didn't seem very happy to have a girl answer your phone." She said flippantly.
"Blaine? Blaine called? I didn't hear my phone…"
"Of course you didn't, silly, you were asleep." Quinn smiled sweetly. "He seemed to think we were…well, I played along because he sounded cute and much too good for you. Hope you don't mind." She smiled and Kurt felt like crying. "He said he doesn't want to talk to you anymore."
Kurt started hyperventilating – how was he to know if he was awake or asleep without Blaine?
"Kurt, Kurt, wake up!" Quinn's voice broke through and he bolted upright, still hyperventilating and crying. Quinn wrapped her arms around him, trying to soothe him. His chest hurt no doubt from the hyperventilating, which meant he was awake. Right? That counted, didn't it?
"Am I awake?"
He wanted Blaine.
XXX
Brittany bundles him in blankets and asks if she can cuddle with him. He blinks, but nods because really, they've made out with each other, he can handle cuddling. She falls asleep cuddled against him and for some reason Kurt just can't get to sleep. He's not uncomfortable, per say, Brittany is asleep and there isn't anything actually sexual about having her pressed against him – which he feels it should be sexual but it just plain isn't. With a jolt he realizes that the moment he was sitting across Blaine at Breadstix for lunch one day was so much more sexual then being pressed against Brittany on her bed.
He spends the whole night either staring at the ceiling or snapping the rubber band out of boredom.
XXX
Mike Chang and Kurt only get along in private – in public Mike is awkward and only really hangs out with his other football peers or Tina – who bullied him into letting Kurt not only spend the night but sleep in his bed. Kurt is thankful that he's willing to go there, it makes him feel like he is worthy of having guy friends. Straight guy friends.
Mike plays video games and Kurt plays second set of eyes and cheerleader for him, they have a good time, all things considered.
He blinks and suddenly Mike is kissing Tina in front of him and they're in Glee. He snaps the rubber band and he's back in Mike's room, in his bed, watching Mike play video games.
Then he's sitting in French, bored out of his mind because he already knows French and they won't let him test out because then he won't have enough classes during the day.
The bed jostles when Mike climbs in next to him and Kurt yawns. He's had more sleep this past week then a long while, but Rachel is still probably not going to be happy. Yesterday his wrists started bleeding from the snapping, so he really shouldn't…Well, if he moves the rubber bands up…
He moves the rubber bands further up his forearms, just as a precaution. He waits till six so he can call Blaine and get validation that he's really awake.
XXX
"So, like…how many hours of sleep have you had this week?" Sam asks and Kurt jolts out of his daze to look at him. He thinks for a bit.
"Twelve-ish hours." Kurt whispers, somewhat amazed at the low number, especially as he realizes that's the most sleep he's had in a long while – maybe not a month, but the monthly average is still insanely low.
Kurt's phone vibrates and he whips it out.
I need to know that things are gonna look up, 'cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup. When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head, When you feel the world shake from the words that are said…
He throws it away, looking around wildly. Sam had vanished. Kurt tries to stand and finds the world turning sideways.
He blinks and realizes his head is pillowed on Sam's shoulder and the boy is playing Silent Hill. He starts to pull away when Sam's hand comes up and pushes Kurt's head back onto his shoulder.
"I don't mind you sleeping there, you need rest. You were out for two hours, by the way. Go back to sleep." Sam says, completely distracted by his game. Kurt closes his eyes and listens to the sounds of Sam playing Silent Hill – if Kurt wasn't so tired he would have asked for another controller to play with Sam, but he was exhausted and wished he wasn't so frightened of sleep.
About two hours later Kurt still has his eyes closed and is in some half dazed state when Sam turns the television off and picks Kurt up. Kurt's too out of it to protest too loudly, though he does make a questioning noise, or at least he hopes it's questioning.
Sam deposits Kurt onto his bed, laying down and throwing an arm around him, which makes Kurt kind of giddy because Sam is really, really cute. And really, really straight, so what is he doing?
"I'm secure enough in my sexuality to sleep next to you and kinda cuddle with you – am I giving you the wrong signals or making you uncomfortable?" Sam asks, sounding genuinely unconcerned. Kurt is reminded of the day when he was at Dalton and was told that a zero tolerance harassment policy was "simple" – sometimes he forgot that just because he was gay that didn't mean he was toxic or contagious.
"No, you're not making me uncomfortable…I was actually worried I was making you uncomfortable…" Kurt can't see Sam in the dark, even thought the boy's head is right next to his on the pillow and Sam has an arm around him.
"Nah, you're a good guy, Kurt, you're just gay – so what? Anyway, I hope you can sleep, because even thought Rachel is kinda…intense, she's also right, you need to sleep more."
Kurt starts to cry, quietly, and he's silently berating himself for it because how gay is that?
XXX
Rachel and Kurt listen to the Wicked soundtrack and sing "Defying Gravity" together, Kurt forgets to throw the high F and Rachel and he fight for thirty minutes over it. Apparently, him throwing the competition for his father means that he doesn't respect her or himself enough to sing beside her which somehow changes to them yelling at each other over fashion.
By eight o'clock they're both in bed, stiff next to each other.
"I'm going to hug you, because I usually sleep with a teddy bear." Rachel says as she scoots closer and curls into him, throwing an arm around him like Sam did. He puts his chin on her head and closes his eyes.
They sleep until Rachel's alarm goes off.
XXX
Sectionals goes off without a hitch and for once he doesn't have to question whether he's awake or not. But, he finds that the full nights rest is actually making things worse – once New Directions is done performing he's exhausted and wants to sleep for a year. Once on stage and the winners are announced – New Directions won – all his friends are clapping and screaming and jumping around and Blaine is walking towards him with a congratulatory smile on his lips.
"Congrats, guys, Kurt." He smiles at them all and a few of the guys are looking at him in confusion and some of the girls are hiding smiles. Kurt is sure that he has this stupid grin on his face because he can feel it.
And then seconds later, Blaine can feel that goofy smile as well as he leans over and kisses Kurt on the lips and Kurt wraps his arms around him and the Warblers are either whooping or cat calling and he's sure his Glee club isn't that much better. Somehow, both groups of teenagers get off the stage, even though it's hard for Kurt and Blaine because they don't stop kissing, which is fairly ridiculous because really…
Hours later as the after dinner winds down Kurt starts to feel the adrenaline leave him he's happy that Blaine is there, because that drifty uncertainty between dreams and reality is shifting again.
"Kurt, are you alright?" Blaine asks, looking over at him in concern. The edges of his vision are graying and Kurt's scared because sleep is…sleep is…but Blaine's here. Maybe it'll be okay? Blaine always makes him feel better and he's…
"You're here now, so I can sleep now, right?" And everything grays out and the last thing he is aware of for a long time is Blaine's arms catching him before he falls.
XXX
He's standing in his mother's room, the old room she had in the old house before they moved because it was too hard to stay. Her perfume is on the dresser, her make-up on the vanity, her shoes in front of the bed and a long, beautiful gown draped on the bed, waiting for her. Kurt swallows hard and feels her presence behind him. He doesn't turn, doesn't move, and when he feels her hand land on his shoulder he starts crying. She turns him around and there she is, in all her beauty and glory. Strong and not ill. Not deathly pale with sunken eyes.
She wraps her arms around him and he clutches her desperately, sobbing into her neck and he can smell her perfume and feel her warmth.
"It's good to see you, mon fils." She whispers, picking him up and settling them both onto the bed. He doesn't question how she is able to physically pick him up.
"You seem to be going through some bad times, ma amour." Her fingers card through his hair and oh God it's been so long since someone other than Blaine did that to him…
"You left me." He sobs out and she makes a wounded sound but doesn't stop carding her fingers through his hair.
"No, I was taken from you. I tried so hard to stay for you. I tried so hard, but nothing I did worked. I didn't want to leave you or your dad, but the choice wasn't mine." She whispers to him, kissing his head and he feels like he's 5 again and that mean kid from down the block made fun of him and he went crying to his mom.
An indescribable amount of time later, Kurt has stopped crying and is resting against his mother, emotionally drained and somewhat numb. His mother brushes back his hair and he finds himself telling her about how hard it is for him at school, how the bullying used to terrify him but now that he has Glee – and by extension Noah Puckerman – he knows that if things get too bad, if he's attacked, he'll be avenged at least. Puck won't stop the bullying, but he will maim or possibly beat to death someone who takes things too far and lands Kurt in the hospital. And he has Blaine, beautiful wonderful Blaine who adores him and kissed him after he lost Sectionals to New Directions.
"He sounds nice." She finally says, hand still in his hair. "You be sure that he treats you right, mon amour." He's always been secretly happy that Blaine doesn't know French because his mother is the only one with the right to call him "amour"; if Blaine tried he's pretty sure he'd just break.
"I know thing are difficult….but your dad loves you. He's not the smartest person on the world, but he means well. He's trying, ma amour, he tries. I know that's not good enough, but between him, this new boy in your life, and your friends…it's okay to be happy. You can allow yourself that." He sniffs and burrows into her side.
"I wish you were alive. I wish I could go home and have you there to talk to, to sing with, and to rehearse for Glee. I wish I could go home and cry in your arms for an hour because McKinley is a homophobic keg-hole and I'm scared everyday when I walk down the halls. I wish I could go home and gush about the cute things that Blaine does and will do down the road. I wish I could go to you and talk about boys and musicals and fashion and my friends and…I wish you weren't dead. I wish you were there to teach me how to cook, I wish you were there to go shopping with me, I wish I didn't have to still answer the phone sometimes with 'no, she's dead I'm her son', I wish I could introduce Blaine to you and have you gush about how gentlemanly he is while telling him that you know seven ways to get away with poisoning someone. I miss you." He says, crying by the end of it again because he didn't realize how much he wanted her in his life until Blaine, until he had something he couldn't talk to his father about not because he didn't want to upset him but because he knew he didn't want to hear it.
She moves and he clutches at her, not wanting her to go. She smiles down at him, kissing his forehead.
"I love you, mon amour." And she's gone.
XXX
He wakes up in the hospital – correction, he wakes up in the psych ward in the hospital, with Blaine asleep and holding his hand and his father crammed in a chair in a corner. The fact that Blaine is there confirms it's day time because no way would a hospital in O-fucking-hio allow a boyfriend to stay past visiting hours. His arms are bare and for the first time Kurt really looks at the state of his wrists and forearms and feels horror at what he's done to himself – his wrists are bandaged up but there are angry welts still present on his forearms.
"Hey." Blaine's soft voice takes his attention away from his arms and Blaine is smiling at him.
"Hey." Kurt whispers back. "How long…?" He isn't sure what to finish with – how long he's been out or how long Blaine has been there.
"You've been unconscious for two days. We rushed you to the hospital when you fainted on me. They put you here once they saw your arms." Blaine's fingers trail over the bandages and Kurt feels the need to assure the other boy he's not suicidal or something.
"Can you kiss me?" is what comes out instead. Blaine looks surprised for all of a second before it melts into that self-assured smile that Kurt finds so incredibly sexy. He leans over the bed and presses their lips together and it's wonderful and amazing and overwhelming and perfect.
"Thank you." Kurt breathes when Blaine pulls away. He smiles crookedly at Kurt.
"For what?" Blaine asks, eyes straying to his lips once more.
"For everything." Blaine moves in for another kiss and Kurt knows everything will be okay.