The Truth Lies in a Letter

Summary: After Rumple leaves for the Underworld, Belle finds a letter telling her the truth about his motivations, and how he managed it.

Rumple had gone to the Underworld. On one hand, she was proud of him. To go so willingly into the Underworld to help Emma find Hook was a brave thing, and a kind one. The two men had been enemies for a long time. And as he'd pointed out, he knew the dangers far better than anyone else. It spoke well of his courage, that he would brave death once again for a man he'd once despised.

She worried about him. It was a dangerous undertaking. And to bring back a soul from the dead was in violation of the laws of magic. Magic had a price, as he often said, and she wondered what price Hook's resurrection would be.

Rumple's resurrection had cost Neal his life. He'd regained his life at the cost of his son, and Belle knew that still haunted him.

She ducked into the shop, finding comfort in the scent of the dusty antiques. Here was where they'd made so many decisions. He'd promised to return to her here, and she was more than willing to wait for him.

White caught her eye, a slight flutter of paper on a counter she was sure had been empty when she'd last seen it. She moved closer, and realized it was a letter, her name written in Rumplestiltskin's familiar flowing script.

She frowned. She'd only just seen him last night, right before his departure. And he'd said he'd only be gone a day, so why would he need to write her a letter? Curious, she opened it.

Dearest Belle,

She smiled at the opening. So oddly formal, and yet so sweet and utterly him. She kept reading, and as she did, she felt her smile fall away.

Dearest Belle,

By the time you get this, I will have started to the Underworld with Miss Swan, and most likely her family of heroes.

Forgive me. There was so much I wanted to tell you, that I should have told you before I left, and yet, my heart has once again turned coward on me, and I find myself having watched you leave without telling you any of it. It seems every time I promise to be the man you deserve, I fail you miserably at the execution. I know a letter is a poor way of even attempting to make amends, and yet, I have not the courage for anything more. I am sorry. And if, after you've read this, you would rather walk away again than wait for me, I will understand. You deserve so much better than the man I've proved myself to be.

I didn't lie, when I said that I had to go to the Underworld because I was the only one who had been. Nor did I lie when I said it was because my blood could summon the ferry. Both are true. And yet, neither is the reason that Miss Swan demanded I take her. Nor is Hook's salvation the primary reason I agreed to go.

I...when Hook gave his life...when he bound the darkness inside Excalibur and sacrificed himself...I did something. Before I gave him the sword, I bound it with magic, not to contain the Darkness, but to channel it, into a new host. Or, I should say, an old one. At the moment Hook sacrificed himself and Excalibur shattered, a new dagger was forged, and I returned to being the Dark One. Miss Swan demanded my help because she uncovered my deception. In fact, taking her to save Hook was meant to be the price for her silence. For keeping the secret from you.

I wish I could say I never meant to keep it a secret. But in truth...I cannot say. After all, I had a chance to tell you, and I failed to. I fear I am still a coward, just as I fear that, having discovered the truth, you will turn from me. The darkness has, after all, been the source of so much pain and so many disasters, you are well within your rights to hate me for once again assuming it.

I would not blame you if you were horrified by my silence, my deception. If you were angry with me. Nor would I blame you if you chose to burn this letter without reading the rest of it. However, I would ask...beg you, to grant me a last indulgence, and read to the end. Hate me if you must, but please, at least let me tell you my reasons.

I know what Emma thinks, that I have taken the dagger and returned to being the Dark One for power's sake. And I will not deny that the power is tempting. But it isn't the only reason. Not for this. I did this...because of my son. For Bae.

My son died for me. He took my place in the Underworld. I know what kind of fate awaits the Dark Ones, and it is not a pleasant one. We are monsters, Belle, and monsters get no peace, not even in death.

Bae was not a Dark One. He took my place, paid that price, for me. And, I fear, he took my place and penance in the Underworld. And he doesn't deserve that. Not Bae. Not my sweet boy. To know that he is there, what he may endure because he loved me...I cannot let that stand.

With the power of the Dark One, especially now that it has mixed with Excalibur's light magic, I can go the Underworld. I can find my boy. And I can save him. Though I do wish to bring him back, I know the price may be beyond me. But I can, at least, make sure my boy does not suffer, that he is in a better place.

I always intended to make this journey. To go to the Underworld and find Bae. To save him if I can. That was why I altered the magic of Excalibur as I did. To make this possible. And also…

As Rumplestiltskin, I have nothing save my own soul to offer. And though I would offer it freely, I fear that a soul already living on stolen time may not have much bargaining power. But with the Dark One's magic to sacrifice, I may have something worth trading. Or, perhaps, I need only use it as the key to get to Bae, and I can bargain on other terms for his salvation. I don't know. The rules are different in the Underworld. But I had to try. Have to try. Bad enough to leave Bae in my place when I thought there was nothing I could do. To leave him when I might have a way to aid him...I could never forgive myself for that. I could never endure that. And even if you were by my side to aid me, I fear I would only drag you down with me as I sank into despair, as I have already done so many times since his death. And before that.

I will help Miss Swan find her pirate. I promised I would, and I don't wish to break that deal, even if her side of the agreement has been rendered void. I may be the Dark One again, but I am still trying to be a better man, for all that I am still a coward.

I will find Bae. And I will either see him safely at peace, or I will bring him home, whichever I can bargain for. I must try.

I intend to return to you. If I am still the Dark One when I do, and if you still wish to try and love this broken, wretched, coward that I am, then feel free to try and break my curse. I feel confident that you can, even now. If I am not the Dark One, if I am only Rumplestiltskin...know that you have my heart still.

If you wish to leave, I will not stop you. If you wish to chastise or punish me for what I have done, I will accept it. And if you choose to stay, to love me still and try to make it work, then I will welcome you with all that I am. And I will try to be the man you deserve.

I love you Belle. I am sorry that I lacked the courage to tell you the whole truth before I left, that I was forced to write it in a letter. You deserve so much better than this.

I remain forever yours, no matter what may befall.

With all my heart and soul,

Rumplestiltskin

Belle read the letter through twice, her hand over her mouth as tears streaked her face.

On one hand, she was furious with him for not telling her the truth. How many times had they had this argument? And yet, he hid things every time.

But he had written her a letter this time. He'd made an effort. He was right, he should have told her everything to her face. He should have been honest when she'd asked him. But the fact that he'd even bothered to tell her at all, even in a letter…well, it was more than she'd seen from him before.

Well, since he'd returned from death. From the vault. He had been honest with her about Henry, and about Pan. But death and Zelena had made him different.

She'd begun to understand, while he was banished, that there were things she hadn't considered that influenced him. His exposure to darkness in the Vault, his year of torment at Zelena's hands and the way they'd all handled the aftermath…

She'd talked to Archie, while he was banished. And Archie was an excellent Devil's Advocate. He'd told her early on that he'd had his own concerns about Rumplestiltskin, about the effects of death and resurrection, the loss of his son and a year of being tortured and imprisoned. She'd told him about the dagger, and he'd pointed out to her the things that being controlled like that, threatened like that, could do to a man. Not that he'd said it excused Rumplestiltskin. Far from it. But he had urged her to consider those things, along with her own hurt and frustration and anger. And his words had reminded her of her own feelings, when she'd used the dagger to control Rumple while they were dealing with the Snow Queen. She'd been so angry, she'd forgotten how she had also abused his trust. And his love. She'd controlled him with the dagger. She'd said she loved even the darkness in him, while constantly demanding he be a better man, more like a hero. She'd willfully ignored the things that had been done, and the marks they'd left on him.

She was angry with him for failing to tell her before he left about the dagger, and the fact that he was once again the Dark One.

She was afraid for him. For his safety, for his life. For his heart, if he couldn't save his son.

She wanted to believe he was telling the truth in his letter. He had told her his secret, and she wanted to believe his reasons were honest as well.

Her heart broke for him. If he had been telling the truth, the fact that he'd done something so extreme hinted that he'd been suffering far worse than she'd imagined.

Then again, he'd tried to re-write reality for the sake of his suffering. She wasn't sure this wasn't the same thing.

She re-read the letter again, seeing the words 'coward' and 'wretched' and 'monster' as he described himself. He still had such a low opinion of himself. She was fairly certain she had contributed to that over the past year or so.

She read the letter one more time, then folded it carefully and put it in her purse.

She and Rumple would need to have a long conversation when he returned.

She was angry at him, but she didn't hate him, and she didn't plan to leave him now. So she would wait, and when he returned, they would talk. And hopefully, they would find a place where they could begin to work through the problems that faced their relationship.

It would take a long time to pick up the pieces. But she could give the man who had written that letter a shot.

Author's Note: AU wishful thinking. Couldn't help it.