A/N: This fic will be five chapters long. Each chapter is about a different couple except the final chapter: AthrunCagalli, KiraLacus, YzakShiho, DearkaMiriallia. But I have to warn you that you may not like the YzakShiho chapter if you are into the couple.
I already finished writing all chapters. So don't worry. It's going to be complete. I will update the next chapter next week.
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English is not my first language. Please bear with grammatical errors.
And for your information, my fic is based on the remastered version (but I watched the original version, too).
Disclaimer: I don't own GS/GSD.
Grass on My Side
PHASE-01: Brightened Up
The ballroom was bright. The chandelier looked like it was made of millions of sparkling diamonds. There were other lights placed among flowers and leaves which decorated the wall and the pillars. The well-polished floor reflected the light, adding more brightness to the room. Necklaces, bracelets, earrings, hair clips, and cuff links were shining in the light, too.
Not only the lighting, but also the air of the room was bright, filled with beautiful music, angelic singing voice, and sighs of admiration. Everything in the ballroom was bright.
But her hair is the brightest, Athrun concluded with confidence. Unlike most people in the room including the woman he was looking at, he wasn't watching the Chairwoman of PLANT performing on the stage. His eyes and attention were fixed on Cagalli whose back of the head faced him. He admired her golden hair which was usually falling freely over her shoulders but now tied up in an elegant bun.
It was hard for him to decide which way her hair looked better, or which way he liked it better. While he loved her usual hairstyle because it seemed to represent her free spirit and reminded him of the first time they had met, he loved the kind of hairstyle she was wearing now which was rare because it brought out a hidden side of her. The only thing he was sure of was that either way, her hair was brighter than anything else.
Under his gaze, she turned her face to her brother standing near her. Now Athrun had a clear view of her shining amber eyes and a fond smile on her face. No, not her hair, he corrected his previous thought. She is the brightest of all.
Even in the middle of admiring the woman who held his heart, he noticed the song just finished. After all, it was his second nature as a soldier to be always aware of his surroundings. Along with other guests, he turned his eyes to the stage, giving applause to Lacus.
The pink-haired songstress curtsied and looked around the ballroom with a compelling smile. "Thank you for listening. And I would like to thank again all of you for coming tonight, especially Chief Representative Athha and those who came all the way from Orb." She threw a warm smile at the said woman who had given the speech before her and was standing near the bottom of the stage. "Please enjoy the rest of the night."
She curtsied again before descending the stairs from the stage. Her husband took a few steps forward and held out a hand which she happily took. Cagalli approached the couple with a brilliant smile which, in his opinion, lit up the room more than that chandelier did. They exchanged some words, laughing merrily.
As he had expected, his best friend glanced in his direction and gestured toward him. Along with Kira, the two women turned their faces toward him.
His eyes met Cagalli's, and her lips curved into a small, but genuine smile, not the one she had plastered on her face while talking to and dancing with some important people from Orb and PLANT.
Warmth flooded him, as usual, as if he had been warmed up by the fire in her eyes. The fire born out of her strong will, firm determination, and fierce compassion. The fire which made her amber eyes shine like gold.
It was one of the reasons why he loved her eyes so much. If he had to choose one body part of hers he loved most, it would be her eyes. They were not only beautiful, but also honestly showing her emotions and clearly reflecting her personality, who she was. They always reminded him of why and how much he loved her. And every time he looked into those eyes, so deep, so clear, so bright, he felt the urge to pull her close and hold her forever.
Unfortunately, he couldn't give in to the urge right now. He suppressed it—without much difficulty, partly because of his training as a soldier and partly because he had done it so many times—and reciprocated her smile.
She took her eyes off him as Kira said something to her. He also moved his eyes to the couple walking in his direction along with her. Their arms were around each other's waist, and he felt a twinge of envy over their closeness, which Cagalli and he couldn't afford to show in public.
When they were in the presence of people who weren't aware of their relationship, they had to be very attentive to how they acted around each other, which was frustrating to say the least.
Some of the people who knew about their relationship had asked him if he didn't want an easier relationship. A relationship he didn't have to hide. Actually, Cagalli herself had asked it, too. But she was the only woman he wanted. Yes, it was hard to be with her. He couldn't deny that he sometimes felt annoyed or upset about their secrecy. However, she was worth it.
And he couldn't imagine himself with someone else. Well, maybe except for Lacus. But it was only because they had been engaged and he had imagined he would be married to her someday, though to be honest, it had been nothing more than a fantasy to him. Something beautiful, but surreal. A kind of dream created by someone else and given to him to live. Although he had not protested against the engagement, he had not wanted it, either. He had liked Lacus, but never wanted or chosen her.
With Cagalli, it was a totally different story. She was the first girl, and the only one, he had ever been in love with. He had wanted her, and he had chosen her. She was the only woman he wanted to have a life with. Even if it was a secret life.
Besides, it wasn't like he wanted to have a girlfriend, any girlfriend. What he wanted was her. If he couldn't have her, what was the point of having a relationship? To him, considering having a relationship with someone else was meaningless. It was simply a waste of time.
In fact, he had spent more time worrying over the possibility of her having a relationship with someone else than thinking about his. Not only when she had still had a fiancé, but after the man had died as well.
She had never lacked suitors. She thought it was only because of her position and wealth, or her family name. But he knew some of those men were genuinely interested in her, not what she had, though he had no plan of telling her that. Since he couldn't keep them away from her by himself, he would like her to do it due to her suspicion about their motive.
It wasn't like he doubted her love or loyalty. He just didn't want to take any risks when it came to her. And he didn't like other men being too friendly to her. Well, who does? he thought sullenly as he saw a man speak to Cagalli with a confident smile standing too close to her to his liking. A part of him was itching to walk up to them and pull the man away from her, but it would cause more trouble than it was worth. Besides, she could perfectly take care of herself. With a sense of satisfaction, he watched her dismiss the man politely but indifferently.
Threading their way through guests and tables, and the hall staff busily rearranging tables and chairs to create the dance floor, the three reached the place where he had been standing. The only man among them waved a hand to him. "Hi, Athrun."
"Kira." He nodded in greeting with a smile.
"How are you enjoying yourself?" Glancing at his wife, Kira continued in a teasing tone, "Lacus hoped you wouldn't get too bored, considering you're not interested in music."
He shot an accusing look at the brunet while the blonde and the pinkette laughed lightly. Even though Lacus was aware of it, it still felt rude to him to talk about his lack of interest and appreciation in her singing right in front of her. Not to mention he was a little flustered.
"I've been enjoying myself just fine," he said flatly before turning to the two women and changing the topic to their speeches rather pointedly, which the other three let him do, smiling.
He carefully controlled his facial expression while talking with Cagalli. It was all right to show some affection to her even in public since they were believed to be close friends. Just not too much. Only the same amount as he showed to Kira or Lacus.
It wasn't too difficult for him. He had been polishing his skill for years, and he wasn't the type to express his affection openly in public to begin with. He was sure that when he was looking at Cagalli, he appeared exactly the same as when he was looking at Kira or Lacus, though his friends didn't really agree. But they assured him that no one could tell unless they were close enough to him.
So there should be nothing to worry about, though the thought that his affection was clear to the eyes of his friends somewhat bothered him. He didn't feel entirely comfortable with letting other people know about his feelings. He preferred to keep them to himself, and Cagalli. But he had already given up trying to suppress his feelings for her a long time ago. It seemed like he just couldn't do it.
When he reprimanded her for being too impulsive, Cagalli often insisted that he was just as impulsive referring to the first time he had hugged her or their first kiss. And he couldn't make a good opposing argument for it was true to some extent.
While he wasn't as impulsive as she was—much less—he had been impulsive at those times. He had not thought about his action or its consequence, how she would respond and how it would affect their relationship. He had simply acted on impulse, out of the emotion that had welled up in him.
There seemed to be something about her that stirred his emotions so much that he could do nothing but let them out, whether positive ones or negative ones. Maybe it was the way she expressed her feelings: honestly and fiercely. Maybe it was the way she acted: childish and carefree. Maybe it was the way she made him feel that he was always welcomed to express his feelings to her. Maybe it was the way she made him believe that she would accept him no matter what. Maybe it was just her.
He had more control over his actions now as he had gotten used to strong emotions she awakened in him, which had been new to him and made him bewildered sometimes. He didn't have much problem keeping distance from her, though it didn't mean he didn't want to be close to her or wouldn't try to. He had just learned to do it more subtly.
He casually stepped to the right, partly in order to have a good view of a nearby table which was unoccupied, and partly in order to stand closer to Cagalli.
"Do you want to have a seat?" He tilted his head to the table.
The twins looked at it, considering his suggestion, but the pinkette looked in another direction at the orchestra about to begin playing music for dance.
"Let's dance, shall we? We have had only few dances tonight." Lacus clasped her hands, smiling up at her husband.
"Sure," Kira answered with a tender smile, and added playfully, "as my lady wishes." Lacus giggled.
As the couple started toward the dance floor, the pinkette looked over her shoulder. "Athrun, Cagalli, are you coming, too?"
He regarded the amber-eyed blonde questioningly.
She shrugged before flashing a smile. "Why not."
Then, she held out her hand to him, palm up. He took it, chuckling. "You know, I should be the one holding out a hand to you."
"I'm not a conservative woman," she said rather boastfully. "And as far as I know, there is no rule I can't do it."
"You mean, you would follow the rule if there was one?"
"No way." She threw him a radiant smile, pulling him toward the dance floor.
"That's what I thought." He smiled fondly.
As he put one hand on her back and took her hand in another, he asked with a grin, "Do you want to lead as well?"
Her eyebrows shot up. "Are you going to let me even if I do?"
"I might...if you are sure you won't confuse the steps," he said teasingly.
She scowled. "Like you won't."
"I think I can handle it better than you."
Knowing it was true, she gave him a glare and his shoulder a tight squeeze which, to her dismay, didn't cause much damage. He only chuckled.
"Jerk," she muttered, looking away from him.
Behind an amused smile, he was secretly relieved. He wasn't sure if he wanted to let her lead if she had insisted. Well...maybe he would when they were alone if, and only if, she really wanted to do it. But not here. Not in front of so many people, including his friends who surely would make fun of him.
Still, he had not been able to resist the temptation to tease her. It was simply too much fun. This was another side of him she brought out. Kira had commented that the way Athrun acted around Cagalli reminded him of the time when they had been children. Athrun might have been offended if it had come from someone else or if it had not involved her. But he had not really minded it. He just would say her childishness was infectious, though she might have a different opinion on it.
Although he liked to tease her for her childishness, however, he knew she was maturer than he was in some ways. It was she, after all, that had taught him to forgive and accept.
He wasn't sure if he would have been able to forgive Kira, and himself, during the First Bloody Valentine War if she had not been there. Both for killing his friend. As much as he had blamed Kira for killing Nicol, he had blamed himself for killing Kira. He might have fallen into a pit of endless self-blaming and self-loathing, which might be going to result in his death eventually. But she had been there to give a helping hand, though she probably had not been aware of it.
Even though she had been upset about Kira's death—presumed death—and blamed him for killing her friend, she had forgiven him, even to the extent of wishing him divine protection. He still didn't know how she had been able to do such a thing when they had hardly known each other. When he, and Kira, had not been able to do it even though they had been long-time friends and much closer, and had tried to kill each other as revenge.
It was probably just who she was. A forgiving person always trying to understand other people, and accept them.
It was through her acceptance of him that he had learned to accept himself, and others. He tended to expect the worst and dwell on negative thoughts. She often reprimanded him for thinking "just like a hamster running on a wheel." Someone else might make it sound like an accusation, and offend him or make him blame himself for being like that. But her way of thinking, and speaking, was too comical and too loving, too lovable. The first time she had said it, he had not even thought about the possibilities of being offended or blaming himself until much later.
When she pointed out his faults, she didn't blame him for having them. She simply accepted them as part of who he was. And when he blamed himself, she led him to accept his faults and mistakes and look at the bright side or think about the future instead of fretting about the past. She made him look at himself, both the good side and the bad side, and accept them.
He was sure she had made him a better person. Maturer, and freer. She had made him who he was now. He would always be grateful to her—
"You are doing it again."
Snapping out of his thoughts, he focused on the woman he was holding in his arm, who looked half-curious, half-annoyed.
He smiled sheepishly. "Sorry. I was just..."
"Thinking," Cagalli finished for him.
"Yeah..." He averted his embarrassed eyes.
"What were you thinking about?" Her tone was light, but he could sense a hint of concern.
"Nothing serious. Really." He smiled at her reassuringly, gazing into her eyes with sincerity. She looked at him intensely before her face relaxed into a smile.
"You know, it's rude to ignore a girl you are dancing with," she said jokingly.
"My sincerest apologies, Your Excellency," he replied in an equally humorous tone.
She smiled mischievously. "I won't forgive you until you make it up to me."
He lifted his eyebrows curiously. "What do you want me to do?"
"Buy me lunch after we get back to Orb."
He grinned. "Let me guess. You want a kebab."
"Of course. What else would there be?"
"Well, you may not be aware of it, but there are a lot more kinds of food."
"If you can have the best, you don't need to try the rest," she stated firmly with a little pout.
He chuckled at her childish stubbornness, let alone childish manner. He had been thinking about how mature she was, and she showed how childish she could be. It never ceased to amaze him that such childishness and such maturity could not only exist in one person but fit together perfectly. They intertwined to create such a fascinating personality.
He decided to tease her a little more. "Are you so sure kebabs are the best? How do you know without trying the rest?"
"You just know it when you have the best." She huffed, and then narrowed her eyes. "Are you disagreeing with me?"
He shrugged. "I'm not that reckless."
"What's that supposed to mean?" She glared at him.
He simply gave her a smile before twirling her. Her glare was replaced by a surprised face, then a beaming smile.
He twirled the smiling woman again. Her golden gown swirled around her, reflecting the light and making her look literally radiant. His eyes softened in admiration and contentment. The moment seemed so long, yet too short.
As the last note of the song faded away, he stopped dancing with reluctance. He had not liked dancing before he had met Cagalli. It didn't mean he had disliked it. Dancing had been just something he had to do, not more than that. However, after he had met her, or to be more exact, after he had started to accompany her to formal events as another guest, he had come to like it. During those events, it was usually the only time he could hold her close, keep her all to himself.
He brought her hand to his lips and kissed it gently, which he did only to Cagalli and Lacus. "We better find a table."
She looked at him with warm eyes, and nodded. "I guess so."
As he led her out of the dance floor, he kept his hand on her back. Not intimate enough to arouse suspicion, but enough to satisfy his need to be close to her.
She turned her face to Kira and Lacus before leaving the floor, and he glanced at them too. The other couple seemed to be going to have another dance.
They found an empty table at a somewhat quiet area. It wasn't far from the dance floor, but only a few people were around there, and they were too engrossed in their conversation to pay attention to the pair. It seemed like a good place to rest.
Pulling a chair out for her, Athrun closely watched Cagalli's face. Although she didn't show it, she must be very tired.
They were supposed to have left Orb earlier so that they could take a rest before the ball. However, just a few hours before their planned departure time, a diplomat from the Eurasian Federation had requested for an urgent meeting with the Chief Representative. The meeting had dragged on, and they had arrived at PLANT much later than planned, which allowed them to have barely enough time to dress up for the ball after the arrival. They practically had run from the port to the hotel, where they changed clothes, and then to the George Glenn Hall where they were now, making it just in time.
Even though she had had a short nap on the shuttle, he knew that after hours of socializing and dancing, she was reaching her limit. It was one of the reasons why he had decided against their second dance.
He hoped that after having a rest on a chair and spending time with only him—and close friends of hers—she could regain some energy. Although a few of the guests were already leaving, it was still too early for her to retire. It wouldn't look good if the Chief Representative of Orb left the ball which was supposed to cement ties between Orb and PLANT at the earliest opportunity.
Cagalli had a faraway look on her face, her eyes on the dance floor. As he took his seat, she spoke quietly, "I sometimes envy them." It was nothing more than a whisper. Without his enhanced hearing, he would have missed it.
He followed her eyes to Kira and Lacus holding each other closer than Cagalli and he had. Smiling and laughing, they looked blissfully happy.
He gazed at them for a moment before replying, "I do, too. Sometimes."
She turned her face to him in surprise. "What?"
"I said, I also do once in a while," he quietly repeated.
"You do?" she sounded surprised.
"Is it surprising?"
"Yes—I mean, no—maybe. I just..." She struggled for words before shaking her head. "I was just surprised. I didn't think you'd heard me. And..." She turned her eyes away. "No. It's not surprising...I suppose."
He frowned at her somewhat melancholic face and tone. He said in a low, yet clear and firm voice, "I didn't mean I want something else." A relationship with someone else. He avoided saying it out loud though he knew no one was within hearing distance. It was still better to take a precaution.
"I know." She gave him a reassuring smile, though she still looked a little sad.
He stared hard at her, trying to figure out what was bothering her.
She sighed and turned her body to fully face him. "I know it sounds stupid. But...I sometimes wish I could be...different."
He was taken aback. "Cagalli?"
"It's not like I don't like myself. It's just..." She glanced at the people seated at the nearest table, checking if those people really couldn't overhear their conversation.
He figured she was doing it because the reason she wanted to change herself was connected to their relationship.
Then it clicked in his mind.
"Are you feeling guilty?"
Cagalli snapped her head toward him and looked at him with wide eyes. And he knew he had nailed it.
"I..." She broke off and briefly averted her eyes, biting her lip. Then she looked back at him, smiling weakly. "...A little."
He felt like saying there was nothing for her to feel guilty about. But he knew better. He knew it wouldn't help her just to say comforting, but rather meaningless words. It wouldn't have been much different from ignoring her pain and suffering.
He knew why she was feeling like that. And he knew she needed time to get rid of the feeling. They needed time.
He contemplated for a while before saying slowly, "To be honest, I also wished that. Before."
"I know." He wasn't surprised at her answer. Although she had never said it, he had sensed that she knew about it.
"But then it wouldn't be you. It wouldn't be the Cagalli I know." And love. "I wouldn't like it."
Her selflessness, the tendency to put someone else's pain before her own, was one of the things that had attracted him to her. He loved and had always admired it.
However, there had been times he wished she had not been that selfless. Her selfless devotion to her country and her people was one of the major factors that made their relationship difficult. It was the reason why he couldn't have her all to himself.
But that was who she was, the woman he loved. So he had accepted her as she was. It wasn't like he couldn't understand her. He could, and even though it had taken time, he had accepted the irremovable presence of Orb in her life, in their life. After all, he also loved the country. Not as much as she did, but enough. It was his adopted home. It was the country that had taken him in. It was the country she loved and wanted to protect. And he wanted to protect it, too.
But most of all, he wanted to protect her. He wanted to help her carry the burden, easing the weight. He wanted to give her happiness, not suffering. He wanted to be the one who helped her be herself, not the one who forced her to turn herself into something else.
"I'd rather like you...this way," he finished, feeling a little embarrassed. He had never been good at, or used to, expressing his feelings in words.
She gazed at him with slightly moist eyes. "...Thank you," she whispered before shutting her eyes for a few moments.
As she opened her eyes, she put on a wide smile and said in a light voice, trying to change the mood, "I guess I'm just tired. Fatigue makes you feel down."
Honestly, he wanted to say more. He wanted to tell her he was happy now and this life was his choice as much as her choice. There was really no reason for her to feel guilty. He was in Orb with her because he wanted to.
But she already knew it. He knew she did. And he knew that knowing something wasn't always enough. He had to show it and prove it to her so that she could get over the guilt, and he needed time to do it.
He felt a pang of guilt. It was partly his fault that she still felt guilty or unsure regarding their relationship. What he had said and done in the past had left a scar and it had not been completely healed yet. He often wished he could have acted differently, probably in a maturer way. But he couldn't have. He had not been as mature as he had believed, or hoped. However, she still had forgiven and accepted him, which lessened feelings of guilt over his actions. He just hoped he could do the same for her.
Perhaps he would tell her he was happy with her even though he knew she knew it. It might still help her even a little. But it had to wait until they were alone in a safe place, somewhere they didn't have to worry about being overheard.
For now, he went along with her, smiling warmly. "It does. And you must be really tired."
He touched her shoulder comfortingly for a moment. As he took the hand off her, his heart ached. He wanted to comfort her more, hold her tight. He knew she wanted it too. But he couldn't do it here.
So he tried another method.
"Anyway, no need to thank me. If you keep thanking me unnecessarily, I might be offended."
"Really?" She tilted her head, confused.
He offered a smile. "Yes. Then I won't buy you that kebab."
She looked astonished, and then started to laugh.
Usually, she was the one who made him smile or laugh. She even had made him laugh when they had just met. He liked it about her. But he liked it more when he could make her smile or laugh. Seeing her smile and hearing her laugh made him happy, too. They made him sure more than anything that he had made the right decision.
The life he had chosen, the life he shared with her was undeniably tough, but life in itself was tough. To live was to fight, as she once had told him. Probably the biggest fight ever. If you had to fight anyway, why not fight for something worth it? What was the point of fighting to live if you didn't fight for what you wanted?
And he needed her to keep fighting. She was the fire that eased his shivering and pain in the cold. She was the remedy that healed his wounds. She was the light that guided him in the darkness. She was the anchor that held him to this universe. She was the hope that encouraged him to walk forward, keep walking. She was the reason why he was here.
He had no reason to give her up, to give up the fight. And he had no regrets about his choice.
She wiped the corner of her eye, smiling. "Well, I'll keep it in mind. I certainly don't want to lose my free kebab."
"Good." He smiled back, relieved that she looked like she was feeling better. "Hey, do you want something to drink?"
She shook her head. "No, I'm fine." Then she grinned. "Maybe later. I'll let you know when I want to push you around."
He gave a short laugh, relaxing. Smiling and laughing with her felt so good. This was definitely worth fighting for.
Cagalli slightly shifted, sinking further into her chair while still maintaining good posture.
Seated and looking at the dance floor, Athrun and she had been staying in a comfortable silence. He was a man of few words—when he wasn't reprimanding someone for something, anyway. She was rather talkative and usually the one who started their conversation and kept it going. Even though she liked to chat, however, there were times she became tired of talking and just wanted to keep her mouth shut for a while, especially after she had to talk so much with so many people, like tonight.
It wasn't that she wanted to be alone. She didn't like being alone. She wanted to be with someone, saying nothing yet still feeling comfortable. Athrun was a perfect fit. Not to mention her favorite.
His quiet presence made her relax, and she let out a sigh. She had not realized how tired she was until now.
Athrun turned his face to her, softening his eyes. He didn't pull her to him and stroke her back or arms like he would have if they had been alone, or touch her shoulder like he had a few minutes ago. But looking into his understanding and caring eyes was enough to make her feel content. She felt like he was shielding her from the outside world by simply being there. She could take a little break from being the Chief Representative of Orb. Not completely, with those eyes surrounding them, but it was good enough. Feeling refreshed as if she had breathed the cool, fresh air, she gave him a thankful smile.
He smiled back, and they went back to silently enjoying the familiar company of each other.
Unfortunately, the peace didn't last long. A girl looking several years younger than they were, who Cagalli thought was somehow related to a councilwoman of the PLANT Supreme Council though she wasn't sure, walked up to them, gave a polite smile to Cagalli, a flirting smile to Athrun, and asked him to dance.
"Well..." Athrun tried to find a good reason to decline the invitation, but there was none. Not if he didn't want to be impolite. Turning down a lady's offer to dance was not what a gentleman would do, and he had been raised to be one.
He glanced at Cagalli, who shrugged. "Go ahead. I'm fine being alone. I believe it's quite safe here."
It was not like she had no claim on him, no right to keep him all to herself. In fact, she was the only person who did. But there was no way she could publicly parade her right. Not yet, at least. And she couldn't chase the girl away without making her, and bystanders, suspicious, could she? As they had not been talking before the girl had shown up, the excuse that they had something important to talk about wouldn't work.
Athrun suppressed a sigh and stood up to hold out his hand to the girl with a polite smile. Shooting a wistful glance at Cagalli, he escorted the girl to the dance floor.
As if he had been waiting for Athrun to leave, which he might have, a man of her age, whom she recognized as the second son of the CEO of an Orb's trading company, approached her table to ask her to dance. She smiled at him, but declined his invitation.
It wasn't a secret that she wasn't fond of dancing. She usually turned down offers to dance, using excuses like being tired or being unfamiliar with the song, unless asked by someone too important or a close friend like Kira and Athrun.
She frequently felt glad that only a handful of people were aware of the true nature of the relationship between Kira and her. The rest of the world saw them as close friends, which was a good cover. Since she often hugged Kira in public or danced with him, she didn't have to avoid doing the same with Athrun. She would just say both of them were dear friends to her if someone asked.
Well, unlike Kira who was married to Lacus and had been always open about their relationship even before the engagement, Athrun had not been in any relationship as far as the public knew. Although there had been rumors about him and various women, none had been confirmed. And it had made many people suspicious that there was something between him and Cagalli who also appeared to have no specific love interest.
But it was only a rumor, a speculation. There was no evidence. It was only one of the gossips the media or gossipy people dished up one after another.
Some people even had commented they didn't believe it because she looked more intimate with Kira than Athrun, much to the amusement of both Kira and her. It wasn't like they did it intentionally. It was just that they both had a tendency to be affectionate to people close to them. She had been glad about it and relieved.
She couldn't help a smile, remembering Athrun's reaction to those comments. He had been relieved as well. But at the same time, he had looked like he really wanted to say something but didn't know what to say.
The song ended. And another, older man, who she assumed was a once-celebrated scholar of some scientific area from PLANT, approached her. She put on a smile, politely declining his offer to dance. He sighed dramatically, so she apologized though she didn't feel sorry at all.
Unlike Athrun who cared about being a gentleman, she didn't care much about acting like a lady. She didn't hesitate to speak her mind; she didn't hide her dislike of dressing up and dancing. Although she knew some people called her "a manlike woman" behind her back, she wasn't really bothered by it. Well, she wasn't happy about it and wouldn't mind punching them if she ever had a chance.
But it wasn't like she wanted to be recognized as a woman by those men who asked her to dance, or any man for that matter. Except one.
And the only exception saw her as a woman no matter how she was acting or what she was wearing. He didn't mind her being "unladylike." He said he liked her just the way she was and wanted her to be herself. And he meant it.
Plus, saying she was tired wasn't only making up an excuse tonight. She was actually pretty tired and wanted to rest for some time.
She had already talked to the people she needed to, and there wasn't much need for her to socialize more, though it was preferable. Then again, she wasn't the type to do something simply because it was preferable, especially when she had a perfect excuse not to. Her job tonight was to attend the ball, stay here until most guests left, and look like she was having a good time. She had been doing it just fine.
Realizing Athrun wasn't coming back yet even though the next song was about to begin, she observed the dance floor to find him talking to a different girl, actually a woman a little older than he was, who Cagalli knew was a PLANT celebrity though she didn't know much about the woman except her face and name.
He is just hopeless with girls. Cagalli huffed, half-annoyed, half-amused, watching Athrun and the woman begin dancing. The woman must have walked up to him when the previous song had ended and volunteered to be his new dance partner. It was actually a very usual occurrence. It normally took him four or five songs until he finally found a way—or courage—to avoid any more unwanted dancing.
Wandering through the dance floor, her eyes fell on her brother and his wife. Lacus affectionately tucked his hair behind his ear, and Kira pecked her cheek with a smile.
Cagalli unconsciously touched the back of her right hand Athrun had kissed a while ago. Dancing with him and being kissed by him in public made her a little uncomfortable. It wasn't like she didn't like it. Probably she liked it too much. It gave her a feeling of...yearning. A yearning to touch him and be touched by him more, to hold each other. Something they couldn't do. Not here. Not in public.
She couldn't help but glance at Athrun dancing with someone else, and suppressed a sigh.
Not because she didn't like his dancing with other women. Well, a part of her was irritated, but another part of her found it entertaining to watch him perplexed by forward women. Since she couldn't often see him bewildered and nervous in a non-serious situation, she enjoyed it, though she preferred it if she was the one who made him like that.
However, when PLANT upper-class people were part of the guests, it was a little different. Not only was he more often asked to dance or spoken to by women, but also the intention of those women from PLANT wasn't exactly the same as that of those from other countries.
She knew some of them approached him in hope of luring him back to PLANT eventually, whether they were encouraged by other people or did it voluntarily.
There were many people in PLANT who wanted him back because of his family name or excellent abilities. Or just because they didn't like the idea of a Coordinator living on Earth, let alone immigrating there from PLANT.
There were also as many people who didn't like him because of his deeds or his father's deeds. Both of the groups made her worry about him, though in different ways, and she felt slightly nervous at an event like this.
She was more concerned about the latter group since they were more likely to upset him, and she didn't like it the least bit. But because of her duties as the Chief Representative of Orb and the secrecy of their relationship, she couldn't do much to protect him.
Not that he needed her protection. She knew he could take care of himself. He might become dejected, but she could comfort him and cheer him up later and he would be fine. However, knowing it didn't make her less want to protect him. No one wanted to see their loved ones suffer. Her protective nature and strong feelings for him made it difficult for her to just stand by and watch him verbally attacked by those people no matter how subtle it was.
Therefore, she preferred his mingling with people friendly to him, even if they were too friendly. Even if they made her feel somewhat insecure.
Her insecurity came partly from her feelings of guilt about keeping him away from PLANT, his home country. Because of her strong love and devotion to her own home country, she wasn't completely sure if he was really fine with it.
She also felt guilty about the secrecy he had to endure in the relationship with her. Sometimes she couldn't help but wonder if Athrun wasn't better off with someone else. Someone he didn't have to hide having a relationship with.
But when she had directly asked him that, he had shrugged it off and then asked her back if that was what she wanted. If she wanted to break up with him and be with someone she could be openly together with.
She had been taken aback and needed some time before shouting "No!" She could clearly remember his face while he had been waiting for her answer. Those desperate eyes. He had been worried—no, scared that she might say yes.
Since then, she had never said it again. Even though she sometimes felt unsure, and he sensed it and they talked about it, she had never suggested he should be with someone else. She knew it would hurt him, which was the last thing she wanted.
And she hoped that she would eventually be able to change the situation, at least the one concerning the secrecy. That someday they could become open about their relationship. Someday the world wouldn't make as much fuss over a romantic relationship between a Natural and a Coordinator.
However, there were times she felt doubt creep into her mind. Will the day really come? Not that she doubted the day would come when a Natural-Coordinator couple was accepted as much as a Natural couple or a Coordinator couple. It might take a long time, but she was confident the day eventually would. What she wasn't so sure about was if it would be in time for Athrun and her. If the day would come when they could be openly together.
Of course, there was always an option to resign from their positions and go somewhere they could have a quiet life, undisturbed by the media and politics. She knew it. But she also knew she couldn't take the option.
She couldn't abandon her duty, her country, and her father's legacy. She wasn't of Athha blood, but she was an Athha nonetheless. She was her father's daughter, the daughter of the Lion of Orb. She was the Lioness of Orb. The devotion to her country and her people and the determination to carry the name of her family, live up to the name, and uphold the principles of her father and of Orb were deeply rooted inside her. No matter how heavy the burden was, she couldn't just throw it away. It wasn't the kind of person she was.
And it wasn't the kind of person he was, either. He was the kind of person who would stand up and fight for the greater good rather than escape for his own safety. That was probably why he could understand her. He understood she couldn't abandon Orb. He understood Orb was a big part of her, of who she was, and she couldn't cut it off without turning herself into a different person. He understood her probably more than anyone else.
She knew he wasn't totally fine with her position and duty. At least, he had not been. He had had a problem with the fact that her first priority was Orb. That she couldn't choose him over it.
She had been afraid she might lose him forever when she had decided to stay in Orb instead of staying with him in the end of the Second Bloody Valentine War. When she had taken off his ring. She had not been able to keep wearing it, not just because of her duty, but mostly because she had known that he had been hoping she would choose him over Orb when he had given it to her. She had not been able to do it, and therefore she had not been able to wear the ring anymore. It had felt like a betrayal to him, as much as to marry someone else, to keep wearing it despite knowing fully well that she couldn't fulfill his hope. If she had not been able to give him what he wanted, she had had to set him free so that he could find it somewhere else, find his happiness.
She had still had some hope that he might be going to forgive her for not being able to choose him over Orb. That he might be coming back to her. But she had not been really sure and avoided talking to him for she had not been able to muster up enough courage to find out his decision. It was one of the few times she had acted like a coward, which she hated to do. But she couldn't have helped it. Athrun meant too much to her.
She had been aware that he could have what he wanted if he chose someone else, like the strawberry-haired girl who had stayed with him even if it meant she would fight against her family and her country. There were many girls, not only the red-head, who were willing to choose him over anything. Cagalli couldn't have blamed him if he had chosen another girl like them.
She had known he loved her. She had never doubted that. But loving someone wasn't always enough to stay with the person, right? There were some things you couldn't do even for someone you loved and no matter how much you loved them. Like she couldn't abandon Orb for him no matter how much she loved him. It had been possible that he couldn't stay with her even though he loved her.
But he had returned to her, to Orb, to stay with her. He had understood her, accepted her, and chosen to support her. She would be eternally grateful for it. It was Haumea's blessing that she had him at her side to share her burden and her life with. She couldn't thank the goddess enough. And Athrun, of course.
However, it didn't mean she was sure she was the best person for him. She sometimes wondered if she really could give him happiness he deserved. But she would always remember those scared eyes of his, and remind herself that as much as she was afraid of his leaving her, he was of her leaving him. That as much as she wanted him, he wanted her. She would remind herself to believe him. If he said being with her was what he wanted most and it was enough for him to be happy, then it was true. He wouldn't lie to her. She knew it. She trusted him.
And she trusted other people, too. She trusted that people would learn from past mistakes. That after the two great wars, they sincerely longed for peace, peace between Naturals and Coordinators. She knew there were still some people who wished for extermination of the other race, and even worked for it. As a leader of a country, she couldn't possibly forget it. Especially when she received so many assassination threats because she was one of the foremost advocates for peace between two races and her country was one of the most successful examples. She knew there would always be people like that.
But she hoped from the bottom of her heart that the majority would have been tired of fighting and hating, and learned to accept each other. And it seemed like it was going to come true. Slowly, but steadily. Step by step.
She often felt it was too slow. She was an impatient person. It might be one of the factors that caused doubts in her mind. But she was also a hopeful person by nature. Even though her hope was sometimes clouded by doubts, she had not lost it. She had kept her hope for the future. The future of this world, of Orb, and of Athrun and her.
She had been hoping that tomorrow would be better than today. That the future would be brighter than the past, and the present.
Besides, it wasn't like she was planning to stay in the current position for the rest of her life, anyway. Although most people of Orb preferred an Athha as their chief representative to someone from other noble families, some people had pointed out it wasn't really good for Orb if the Athhas occupied the position exclusively. She agreed with them. Orb needed a breath of fresh air from time to time. Orb, or the position of the leader of Orb, didn't belong to the Athha family. It shouldn't be that way. It could be very dangerous.
When the right time came, she was going to step down. It didn't mean she would completely retire from politics. She would still be the head of the Athha family—one of the five noblest families, not to mention the most influential one—and have a position in the government, let alone duty to the country and the people.
But she hoped that when she became only one of the Representatives, not the Chief Representative, it would be easier for Athrun and her to reveal their relationship; people would be more tolerant of Natural-Coordinator couples by then.
Of course it was only a hope. Nothing was guaranteed.
Despite the fact some of the current members of Orb's noble families were Coordinators, there were still people who didn't like the idea of having Coordinators as part of the government or noble families, especially the Athha family. There would also be arguments over Athrun's father, his past as a PLANT citizen or a ZAFT soldier, and possibly his history of defections.
But he was now accepted as an important part of the Orb's military. She hoped it would help their relationship become accepted as well. Even though it wasn't as many, there were also people who preferred to have more Coordinators in noble families or the government. And people who didn't care about genetics as long as they were doing a good job.
She hoped they could be openly together someday even if it took years or even decades. Despite doubts, she believed most of the time that it would be possible. She was rather an optimistic person. Overthinking and negative thinking are his specialty, not mine, she told herself with a small smile.
She believed being optimistic was important to create the brighter future. She had to have faith in tomorrow, in people, and in herself.
As much as she was bent on serving Orb and its people with all her might, she was determined to be happy, and to make Athrun happy. When she had realized that her father had always wanted her to be happy, listening to his last words during the Second Bloody Valentine War, she had vowed to herself and her father that she would never give up fighting for her own happiness as well as for Orb. Never again. She would protect Orb and have a happy life, just as her father had hoped. And making Athrun happy was essential to her happiness. Brooding wouldn't help her achieve any of them.
Shaking her head a little and breathing deep, she looked at Athrun, who was dancing with a yet another woman, again. He glanced at her at the same time. Their eyes locked, and he flashed her a faint smile. She couldn't resist smiling back, and nonchalantly clasped her hands in front of her face to hide the smile just in case someone was watching her.
She felt her hope and determination grow stronger. Seeing Athrun smile always helped her believe in the future. She knew that he would keep fighting along with her for a better future. That she wouldn't be alone in the fight. He made her believe that together, they could achieve the goal, their dream. That she could protect his smile, his happiness, him. That she could make him happy, and be happy with him.
He was her biggest source of strength.
Noticing someone approaching her out of the corner of her eye, she turned her head to find her twin.
She arched her eyebrows questioningly. "Why are you here? The song hasn't finished yet."
"It will, soon." As he said it, the song reached its end.
She looked around. "Where is Lacus?"
"On a rescue mission."
"Huh?" She blinked.
Kira tilted his head toward the dance floor, and her eyes moved in the direction, back to Athrun.
Athrun and his dance partner were standing on the floor, still in the dance position. It was obvious the woman wanted to have another dance with her reluctant partner. To her dismay, another woman showed up next to them and talked to them with an endearing smile.
The scene was exactly like the one several minutes ago, and the one before that, when Athrun's current dance partner had taken place of her predecessor who unwillingly had given him up. Except that the new woman this time wasn't just another woman, but the Chairwoman herself.
Stepping back from his dance partner, Athrun smiled at his pink-haired friend, obviously relieved. Too obviously, Cagalli criticized. Enough to offend the woman he had just danced with and make her complain.
But it wouldn't happen, of course. Not with Lacus there to help him. She took the woman's place and held his hand, all the while smiling and chatting with both of them, using her charm lavishly to make the woman willingly bend to her will. The woman left the dance floor, casting wistful glances at her stolen dance partner, but didn't appear to have negative feelings toward either the blunet or the pinkette. Typical Lacus.
"You know, you can do that too." Cagalli was a little startled by Kira's voice as she had not been paying attention to him. "It's fine if you and Athrun dance more than once. Everyone knows you're close, and he's one of the few people you willingly dance with."
She shrugged. "If he doesn't want to dance with one girl after another, he should learn how to avoid it on his own. He's not a little kid. I won't spoil him." She added with a smirk, "Besides, I kind of like seeing him squirm."
He sighed rather exaggeratedly before shaking his head with a smile. "You're so cruel."
"You're too soft on him," she retorted. "If you are so sure he needs help, why don't you teach him some tricks?" While Kira was generally gentler and had less experience with formal dance than Athrun, somehow he was better at avoiding dancing with unwanted partners.
A half-amused smile appeared on Kira's face. "I tried. But it seems like he just can't do it."
"Why am I not surprised?" She chuckled.
He asked gently, "Are you feeling better now?"
She looked up at the warm amethyst eyes and gave an equally warm smile. "Yes. I'm having a good rest."
"Then, care to dance with me?" He held out a hand.
"Sure. As long as you won't stamp my feet," she said teasingly as she took his hand and stood up.
"I won't...not anymore," he mumbled, his face flushed. "Though I still can't say I'm good at dancing. Actually, I know I'm a lousy dancer." He smiled sheepishly.
She patted his cheek affectionately. "Don't worry. Anyone looks like a lousy dancer next to them," she said, motioning toward Athrun and Lacus. "Though I have to say we must be the lousiest couple on the floor."
They shared a hearty laugh, getting into the dance position.
They weren't actually that lousy. However, it was true they didn't look good, compared to the blunet and the pinkette dancing ever so gracefully. But neither twin really cared. After all, it was fun to dance with someone you knew well and enjoyed being with. Even Cagalli, who didn't like dancing, had to admit it.
The twins started to move along with music, smiling at each other, and at their lovers who noticed their joining the floor and smiled back.
A/N: Athrun's part is kinda fluffy. I couldn't help it. I'm a downright AC fan. And it's official Athrun is smitten anyway, right? Just watch the series!
But it also serves the purpose. It makes it easier to understand why Athrun chose this life. And the more they love each other, the sadder and the more frustrating it is they have to hide their relationship, right?
This chapter is lighter, though not the lightest, because I believe they already came to terms with their problem in GSD. This is about them after that.
The next chapter will be about Kira and Lacus and heavier.
*posted 04/04/16*
*edited 05/14/16*