Anthropology: Extra Credit
Hi. This is my first Community fic. It will be several chapters, though I don't know how many. I will be updating about weekly, depending on how often I can get my hands on the laptop. I'm British so have spelled things imperially, or wrong (by which I mean I've made mistake!). If you have any criticisms, preferably of the constructive kind, feel free to share them. Also, I have no idea about the wilds of Colorado, have based the scenery on a quick google image search. Not sure about the unicorns though. Hope you enjoy! NB: I've updated this because I totally forgot that Shirley was preggers! So I'm hoping spring break willbe early enough for her to not be imminent!
"Good news everybody. It appears Professor Bauer intended to offer you a field trip for extra credit. It's already approved by the Board of Governors so I've spoken to the Dean and we've agreed there's no harm in a little jolly. So, if anyone is interested, it will be four days over spring break. We'll be doing a little 'practical anthropology'. Stop snickering." Duncan shot daggers at Jeff, then Pierce and finally Troy. "Field trip! Oh wait – practical anthropology, that's like penises and stuff! Hah!"
-JASPTAB-
"So, we're signing up right?" asked Annie, bouncing from the classroom.
"Four days camping with Duncan and the Dean? Sure, what could possibly go wrong in that scenario?" snarked Jeff. "Still, if it means streamlining my time in this toilet..."
"Well if I can still walk by then I'm in," remarked Shirley, indicating her swollen belly.
"I think it will be fun. We can make some mores..." Britta started.
"What? Some mores? Do you mean s'mores?"
"That's what I said, some mores."
Instantly the whole group broke into hysteria.
"Right after we have our baggels" chortled Troy...
-JASPTAB-
On the first day of spring break the study group assembled beside the small bus that stood, waiting to take them and the majority of their anthro classmates to who knew where, and stacked their luggage in the trunk. Most of the class had a reasonably sturdy backpack or similar. A few notable exceptions included an enormous shiny purple hard case on rollers, a Gucci leather holdall and a ludicrous, diamanté-encrusted pink suitcase set. Jeff courteously lifted Annie's purple case into the trunk, grimacing as he did so and grunting a little.
"Jeez, Annie, what the hell have you got in there? It feels like half a library!"
"Well I wanted to be prepared for any situation, seeing as we don't know where we're going. I've got books on mountain survival, desert survival, survival at sea and one on how to survive a zombie apocalypse. For some reason it seems like the most likely scenario..."
"Mountain survival? Have you even packed any extra clothing?"
"..." Annie flapped her mouth, unable to come up with a response that would make her appear any less foolish. Jeff rolled his eyes and turned away, straight into the welcome arms of the Dean.
"There you are, Jeffrey! I'm sooo excited about this little trip. I don't suppose you'd care to help me load my stuff – I guess I got a little carried away..." he gestured vaguely towards the rhinestone encrusted three-set, his other hand inevitably coming to rest on Jeff's chest.
Jeff hurriedly backed up, allowing him to survey the Dean's latest outfit – a tight Boy Scout Master's number with – Jeff blanched – leather shorts and a very revealing shirt. Shoving the Dean to one side, Jeff made his way onto the bus, making a bee line for the back seat. Behind him the Dean crumpled slightly, before perking up as he spied Troy and Abed fooling around in high spirits and approached to seek out alternative male assistance. He noticed that neither of them appeared to have shaved and as he approached he could hear Abed muttering, "of course we're not actually flying so we can't really crash onto an island but I think we can make it work. I just can't figure out if Jeff is Sawyer or Jack. Or who should be Kate..."
-JASPTAB-
The journey was fairly uneventful. Apart from Troy and Abed's twinky fuelled mania, during which they re-enacted scenes from several shows and movies, including Lost, Alive, Lord of the Flies (and on a slight tangent, Lord of the Rings), Raiders of the Lost Ark and Jurassic Park. Jeff and Britta meanwhile enjoyed a barbed exchange about s'mores. The other three study group members tried to ignore both Trobed's antics and Jeff and Britta's sniping match by discussing what may be in store for them on arrival.
"We'll probably have to observe a load of Reds making poker chips. I hope there's a casino." offered Pierce.
"Pierce!" Annie gasped,looking affronted. Jeff and Britta stopped arguing long enough for Jeff to check his watch and grudgingly hand a note over to a smug Britta, before picking up again as if nothing had happened.
Things eventually quietened down on the bus, with even Troy and Abed reclining into their seats, looking thoughtful and occasionally giggling. A short while later the Dean made his way up to Starburns and quietly insisted he wait until after the bus journey before smoking his 'exotic cigarettes'. Another short while later the bus pulled over into a road side diner as every single member of the class unanimously announced their sudden and insatiable hunger.
Finally the bus stopped at their destination. Disembarking, the class looked around. They appeared to be in a pine forest. Other than trees, sky and mountains there was little to see apart from a dirt path leading deeper into the forest.
Somewhat apprehensively the class gathered their luggage before huddling protectively beside the bus. This didn't last long; as soon as the last bag was removed from the trunk (the Dean almost toppling over under his three cases) the bus backed up along the narrow road before turning and leaving them.
"Right, this looks like the place," exclaimed Duncan brightly before striding up the track.
Abed and Troy excitedly exchanged their handshake before hastening after him. The rest of the class fell in line and started to trudge behind, leaving Jeff, Pierce and Britta with the struggling Dean. Britta turned to Jeff, expecting some witty yet biting remark about being stranded in the middle of nowhere but was concerned to see him standing with his mouth slightly agape, staring in the direction in which the bus had disappeared, his Blackberry hanging limply in his hand.
"Doesn't look like there's gonna be a casino," Pierce muttered before grabbing the smallest of the Dean's cases and following the rest of the class.
"Jeff?" Britta asked, nudging him when he continued to gawp after their transport.
"He left us." Jeff squeaked, before repeating in a louder voice, "He left us!"
"Er yeah. He wasn't exactly gonna park up for 4 days, was he? What's the big deal – worried you'll miss a butt wax?"
"I have no signal. Did you see how far we drove? When was the last town? How far? HOW FAR! Ow!" Jeff broke off and rubbed his cheek while Britta shook the sting from her hand. "Thanks," he scowled.
"Erm, guys? Would you, maybe, erm, help little ol' me out?" Jeff whirled around to see the Dean heaving uselessly on the handles of his two remaining cases. Flushing slightly he strode forward, grabbing the larger of the two bags from the little man before striding off along the path. The Dean gasped as Jeff brushed past him and tottered for a moment before swooning backwards, only to be caught by Britta. He fluttered his eyelashes at her for a millisecond before a look of annoyance crossed his brow.
"Thank you Britta," he snapped, before flouncing off, dragging his case behind him. Shrugging Britta looked around and confirmed she was the last one before following the others.
-JASPTAB-
After about a mile and half- a distance that left a number of the class wheezing, and Shirley muttering about the mistreatment of pregnant women - the path opened up to reveal a clearing in front of a large lake. In the middle of the lake was a wooded island, joined to the clearing by a rickety looking walkway. Abed and Troy looked at each other with undisguised glee and immediately huddled into plan formulation mode. Duncan motioned for them all to follow before venturing onto the walkway. As one the class hung back, ascertaining that their Professor was not about to fall through the dubious looking boards before chancing their own lives on the rickety construction. When he was about 10 yards along Duncan noticed he was alone.
"Come on, you yellow Yankee bastards," he swore, before resuming his crossing. Reluctantly the class followed, stringing out along the walkway. "This would be the perfect time for an ambush," remarked Abed casually, upon which the group perceptibly bunched up. This resulted in a lot of jostling and name calling when Duncan unexpectedly stopped at the end of the walkway. Pierce ended up windmilling wildly before Shirley hauled him to safety. Peering cautiously around each other the class were a little concerned to note that the reason for their halting was a chainlink gate stretched across the top of the walkway. More of a concern was the fact that the entire island appeared to be encircled by chainlink fence, all the more ominous for the barbed wire on top.
"What's in there?" breathed Annie.
"Or what's out here?" commented Chang, grinning cheerfully.
Further speculation was cut off as Duncan fished a key from his pocket and undid the padlock holding the gate closed.
"And voila," he said, pushing the gate open with a flourish. No one moved. "Fine," sighed Duncan, and stepped through the gate. Following a short path the group emerged, unusually quiet, into another clearing. A small shack occupied the far side but otherwise it was empty.
"Right," said Duncan authoritatively. "This is where we get anthropological. According to Professor Bauer's proposal you will be split into two groups, male and female. There are two camps on the island, one to the north and one to the south. Each group requires an impartial observer who will, well, observe. This person should not interact with the group in any way that will influence the actions of the group. You are to observe from within the group in order to keep a more objective view point. Volunteers?"
Instantly Annie's hand shot up. Hers was the only one. "Very well, Miss Edison will observe the girls. Gentleman, you need to decide on a volunteer." The men in the class looked blankly around.
"There's really only one person who can do this," Jeff finally said. "Abed?"
"I accept,"Abed replied. "I brought my camera anyway so it will be a good chance to practice my documentary skills again." With that he rummaged quickly in his bag and pulled out his camera. "The first decision the group must make is who will be their leader. Will they value wisdom?" here he pushed his camera into Pierce's face, "or agility?", the camera moved over Troy, who gave a little thumbs up, "or will the group bow to the natural way of things and accept a born leader?" here Abed turned to Jeff, who straightened his back slightly.
"What are you doing?" asked Duncan.
"I'm observing." explained Abed.
"Maybe you should add the commentary later. It's a bit like...spoilers" said Duncan, in a flash of inspiration.
"Interesting," mused Abed, and fell largely quiet, muttering into the microphone only occasionally.
"Right, so, as David Attenborough correctly pointed out, you do need a group leader. Professor Bauer was quite strict on this one. Following the example of the Maku-Maku the eldest member of each group is the leader. So in this case that will be Mr Hawthorne," Pierce looked about smugly, preening, "and Miss Perry."
"What?" exclaimed Britta angrily.
"I looked at the records Miss Perry. You are definitely the oldest female in the class. September 1980, yes?"
"Well, yeah. But what about..."
"Me?" asked Shirley dangerously. "You assuming that just cos I made the life choice to have children that I gotta be older than you? Next you'll be saying how I must be a wonderful gospel singer and great cook just cos I'm a black woman. It's people like you that are the problem in this society!"
Britta flapped her mouth uselessly, willing herself not to point out the flaws in Shirley's statement.
"'Sides, my birthday is August" Shirley finished.
"So, now that's cleared settled, I'll leave you to it." said Duncan.
"What? That's it? What are we supposed to do now? Where do we go? Where are the showers?" demanded Jeff.
"I'll handle this Jeff," said Pierce importantly. Turning to Duncan he asked, "What are we supposed to do now? Where do we go? Where are the showers? Showers? Screw the showers! Where do we eat?"
"When you arrive at your camp you will find you have been provided with supplies for the duration. Basic sanitary facilities have also been provided. As to what you do now? Well that's really what this is all about. Call it experimental anthropology, if you will. Should any sort of emergency arise me and the Dean will be camped here in the central clearing. Running out of hair gel is not an emergency," finished Duncan, glancing at Jeff before picking up his backpack and one of the Dean's cases and moving towards the shack.
"I call dibs on the north camp" said Pierce, before turning south and striding off. "Come on men!"
"This is gonna be great," said Jeff, gritting his teeth before following Pierce with the other men, Abed scampering around trying to get the most evocative shot.
Britta shrugged and turned north, the other women falling in around her, Annie walking a few paces behind.