August 1 1:21am
I am so vair vair tired. Being a Sexkitty is harder than it looks. I don't think I'll ever fall asleep.
One minute later
How did I end up snogging Dave the Laugh again? Well, maybe it was the call of the cosmic horn, or maybe it was because I didn't want him to attack Masimo. But, anyway.
Flashback Me and Ms. Prissy Knickers (Jas) were walking to the Buddha Lounge for a Stiff Dylans gig. We planned on meeting up with Tom and the gang later, and I would see Masimo seeing as he was playing tonight. Anyway, we were walking when Dave the L showed up, and walked with us.
"Hello Ladeeeeez, the Vati is here!" He said, whilst jumping out of a bush.
"Gadzooks Dave! You almost made me poo myself!" I said.
Eventually we all calmed down enough to biff Dave, and soon we were at the club. Dave and I were dancing like loons in loonville on loon tablets. It was vair vair fun if you ask me. When all of a sudden Masimo came up to Dave. He looked at bit miz.
"Ciao, Georgia, Dave. Are you how they say, having fun dancing with my girlfriend." Oh boy, it looks like fisticuffs at dawn!
"Oy! Mate, don't hit me with your handbag!" Dave said in mock terror. Oh buggering buggeration. But I don't think Masimo really got it, and then, Dave and Masimo started going at it, so, I jumped in the middle of it, and well, I didn't really have time to think about what to do so, I gave Dave a snog. A proper snog. On the lips, in front of my boyfriend, that is when Masimo stropped off, like a stropping thing on strop tablets. I hope he's not got the mega hump with me. Oh merde, and poo.
So, that is why I am awake, thinking about Masimo, and Dave. I don't think I will ever fall asleep, I am just wa- ZZZZzzz.
August 1 10:39 am
Up at the crack of dawn. Great, I can hear the Swiss Family Mad going on about something, and oh merde, I think I hear Uncle Eddie.
"WAKE UP GINGER. BAD BOY! GET UP!" Libby yelled at me.
"Ouch Libby! I need my sleep, please take pantalizer doll to your room.
10 minutes later
Finally got Libby out, Now I am going downstairs to see if I can make the elderly loons quiet down.
"Hello my vair lovely family, I am here, to ask you to please, SHUT UP!"
Back in my bed of pain
Ohhhhmmmmm must relax. I don't need any lurking lurkers. They love stress. Ohhhhhmmm. I think I might do a face pack.
5 minutes later
Back in bed with a face pack on. There we go, nice and relaxing. But I am still full of confusinosity with Dave. Why hasn't he phoned? Don't you think after an accidental number 4 snog he would call? I mean, I would.
1 minute later
Maybe I will call him.
2 minutes later
Ringing Dave…. Why isn't he picking up.
½ a second later
"Hello you've reached PANTS headquarters. Leave a message after the beep. BEEEEEP."
"Hi, Dave, It's Gee, I think we need to talk."
"Oh, hello Kittykat."
"Dave?"
"Yes."
"Oh, Hello."
"What is it we need to talk about?"
"Meet me at the park at 1."
"Okay, S'laters Kittykat." And he hung up.
5 minutes later. Back in my room
I have 2 and a half hour to become a Sexkitty. And that is harder than It looks my beautiful friends. Much harder than it looks.
1 minute later
Looking through my closet. I think I will wear a black off the shoulder top, with denim skirt. Trainers? Heels?
1 minute later
Decided on red kitten heels, and to be following my red theme, I will be wearing red lippy.
2 minutes later
Makeup time. Should I go natural? Or should I make myself look like a top Sex Kitty
1 minute later
I will be going natural. I don't need Dave to think I really fancy him. Because I don't.
30 seconds later
Do I?
1 minute later
Of course not. So I have decided on just foundation, lippy, 5 coats of mascara, and a bit of eyeliner.
12:30 pm
Walking to the park. Skippy skip, run. Having fun all aloney on my owney, while I walk to the park to see Dave.
1:00 pm
At the park. Waiting for Dave. Where is he?
1:02 pm
Hahahhaahah. Oh my giddy gods pyjamas. He's running like a loon! His legs look like they're having a spaz attack!
"Gee!" Dave yelled from across the park
"Hi Dave."
"Phwoar, Kittykat, you have really outdone your self this arvie."
"No, I didn't."
2 seconds later
I hadn't, had I? Oh bugger.
1 second later
"So, Kittykat, what is it we need to talk about?"
"Dave, what happened last night, you know, with the accidental snog…."
"Accidental? Kittykat, you snogged me proper, in front of the Italian Stallion, that does not seem accident to Jack The Biscuit."
"But, it was."
"Whatever you say Gee."
"Am I forgiven?"
"For what?" "Aren't you mad at me?"
"No."
"Yes you are, you suddenly seem to be a bit like you've got the hump with me"
"But I haven't."
"Dave…."
"Okay, so I have. Just a bit. But I will forgive you if you say ' Dave, I love you, you're Jack the Biscuit!"
"I will not say it."
"Okay then Kittykat. I guess the hump will be staying."
"Dave I love you, you're Jack the Biscuit." I said dully.
"Say It like you mean it, you cheeky minx, you."
"DAVE, I LOVE YOU, YOU'RE JACK THE BISCUIT!" I screamed.
"PANTS, Sexkitty, I think you burst an eardrum."
"Sorry."
"Well I must be off now. Tatty bye!" He said, and was off.
Back home
Ringing Jas….
1 minute later
No answer. Stupid vole woman. I bet she's off on a ramble with vole man.
1 minute later
Phoning Rosie.
"Hello Viking Central, Rosie the Viking bride speaking."
"Err, is that err, Gee or something?" I heard Ellen dither.
"YEAH ELLEN, IT"S GEE! WANT ME TO PUT HER ON LOUD SPEAKER?" The crazy Viking yelled through the phone.
"Rosie… It's Gee. I was just wondering, well, We need an Emergency Ace Gang meeting. Can I meet at yours?"
"Sure Gee! Be here in 10." And she hung up. Bugger.
1 minute later
Walking to Rosie's house. She is quite demanding.
At Ro-Ro's
"So Gee, what's this Emergency Meeting for?" Rosie said.
"Last night, we all know that I accidentally on-purpose, snogged Dave in front of Masimo, and I don't know what to do. Do I like Dave as more than a matey-type mate person, or is he just a snog mate? I know I like Masimo, but err... I think I might, sort of, kind of, eerrr..." Oh Gadzooks, I was turning into Ellen.
"C'MON GEE! Stop dithering"
"Well, I guess I don't know. Dave is no more than my mate. We're top mates, actually."
"Oh JA oh JA! Let's dance pretty fishies!" That was Sven, if you didn't know that, well, you are quite dim. Aren't you?
Back in my Bed of Pain, while on the Rack of Love
I must grab my red bottom by the horn of the wotsit. I am with Masimo. He is gorgey porgey and a great snogger. But Dave does that nib libbling thing. Hmm.
1 minute later
I will make a list.
Pro Masimo: He is gorgey porgey, he speaks the language of lurrrveeee, he likes me, maybe even loves me.
Con Masimo: He speaks the language of lurrveeee, which makes him pretty hard to understand, his sense of humour is hard to find underneath the language. He flies back in forth from Here to Italy.
Pro Dave: He is nice, he is my mate, he is funny, he is quite groovy gravy looking,
Con Dave: Well, there's the fact that errr… he... well.
2 minutes later
I cannot think of anything wrong with Dave.
1 minute later
Surely there must be something.
½ second later
Nothing, nein.
4 minutes later
"GINGEY! READ ME CINDYFELLOW! NOW!"
1 minute later
All nice and snuggly- buggly with Libs, and pantalizer barbie, Mr. Potato head, Angus, Gordy, and I think some rotten celery. Joy unbounded.
"Libby, why have you got rotten celery in bed with us?"
"IT'S NOT CELERY! It's Mr. Potato heads wife!" merde.
1 hour later
Finally finished reading to Libby and her "fwends". Now Libby is off to terrorize another part of the house. But ho hum pigs bum.
2 minutes later
I am vair vair hungry from all the work I've done today, I think I'll go downstairs and see if we have any thing to fight off scurvy.
2 minutes later
Nothing, Typico, Mutti hasn't gone shopping in years.
1 minute later
Oh lovely, my dear old grandvati has given me a fiver. Happy days! Maybe I'll just go steal some of Vati's money. I am sure he has some left in his leatherette pants.
5 minutes later
Found 4 tenners in Vati's trousers! Off to Boots!
2 minutes later
Walking to Boots. Gadzooks it is hot out. I am sweating like a loon.
1 minute later
Still walking. Since when did it take soooo vair long to get to Boots.
2 minutes later
Finally at Boots. Why is Dave here? He's not on the turn is he? Oh gadzooks. Dave is here with Emma!
"Hi Dave. What're you doing at Boots? Not on the turn are you?" Hahaha I crack myself up.
"What is the name of PANTS Gee. I am here with my girlfriend Emma."
"Girlfriend, Dave, hmm. Were you two going out last night, when we accidenta—"
"Gee. NOTHING happened last night."
"Hmmmm. Fine Dave. Be that way."
1 minute later
I can't decide whether I want an orangey-pink lippy with apple coloured cream blush, or if I want lip sealant, what will keep the entire colour on through the night, and if I want fruit sundae flavoured lippy along with it. I shall ask Dave the Laugh.
1 minute later
On second thought. No. I don't think his new girlfriend type person would like that.
2 minutes later
But I really do need a second opinion.
1 minute later
Asking Dave the Laugh. Because he is my mate, and I love him.
1 minute later
Love him?
30 seconds later
No I don't love him. Well I do, in a matey way. Not in any other way, because I am the almost girlfriend on a Luuurve God, a Luuurve God that I need to ring. Oh merde, I forgot he was in a huff with me until just now. How did I get myself back on the rack of love. My almost maybe boyfriend might hate me, and the guy I MIGHT love has a girlfriend. And before I knew it, I was blubbing like a blubbing thing on blub tablets.
1 minute later
Running, pant, pant. Blubbing and running, is quite hard. Oh Gadzooks, I hope no one follows me.
Back home
In my room, blubbing my bed, all wrapped up. Everything Is just vair wonderful. Not.
1 minute later
Great, now I have a loony toddler trying to invade my space with Mr. Fish and me other slimy substances that Libby plays with. Erlack a pongees!
2 minutes later
All I can hear is Mr. Fish saying "Maybe it's beCOD I'm a Londoner. It is squirming about everywhere like it is alive. Great, someone is at the door. Pray God it's not Uncle Eddie.
1 minute later
It is. Why. What did I ever do to you Lord Sandra?
2 minutes later
"Gee! We're going out for Pizza. Do you want to come with?" Mutti said from my door.
"Of COURSE I do Mutti, because I love to spend time with you and that Baldy thing I call my uncle."
"Stop being so bloody cheeky. Come on Libby."
5 minutes later
After much arguing the Swiss Family Mad has finally left, I can hear them racing down the street in the clown car at about 5 miles per hour. If even that.
1 minute later
I wonder what I have done to make my life so vair crap. There is only 2 days left of the summer hols, my matey type mate person that I might love has a girlfriend. And I've said this 500 times, and I will say it 499 times more, I am almost the girlfriend of a Luuurve God, who has got the hump with me. Why me, Baby G? Why me.
Still questioning Baby G.
Someone is at the door. I know it's not my mates because they would phone first. I hate whoever it is, for making me get out of my snuggly buggly bed of pain and sadness.
"Whoever it is, I am vair vair grumpy and cannot be bothered to talk." And that is when I heard the words
"What in the name of PANT'S are you going on about Kittykat,"
"Dave. What are you doing here?" And that is when he snogged me.
2 minutes later
We have moved to the couch! He is doing that nip libbling thing. Yummy scrumboes! Oh he is so vair vair good at snogging. Now he's doing that neck nuzzling thing. Merde. I am turning all jelliod knickers.
1 minute later
"Now Kittykat, I have given you the Dave the Laugh stamp. Wear it proudly. Tatty bye." He's left! You can't just make me turn into jelliod girl and run off! And what does he mean by Dave the Laugh stamp? Hmm…. Oh well. I guess I'll just ask him later. Oh bugger. I have let my cheeky red bottom return, haven't I? I wonder if Emma knows that Dave and I have been being Cheeky little minxes. Probably not. Poor Emma, But then again, I am just as guilty, because I have Masimo. Buggering buggeration. How I have I got into this mess again.
1 minute later
I might take a trip to the tarts wardrobe to see if my hair has been ruffled by the vair good snogging.
2 minutes later
Oh Gadzooks and PANTS Dave has given me a love bite. Dear gott in himmel. Why must I have been marked. Must cover it, must find concealer. Oh poo. It is far to gigantibus and dark to be covered by my foundation. I need to find Mutti's.
3 minutes later
I have found Mutti's foundation. But it seems that Angus has gotten hungry, because he has EATEN IT! I guess I will just have to go off to Boots. With the tenner I found whilst invading my Mutti's personal items.
1 minute later
Stupid blunder boys are giving me cat calls. What makes the think they have the right to do that?
1 minute later
Now the elderly are giving me dirty looks. Dave must die. Once I get this concealer on my love bite. I will give him one of his own. Speak of the laugh. I am ignorez-vousing him.
"Hey Sexkitty."
"Kittykat? Are you ignoring me?" And that is when I pushed him into the bush, and gave him a love bite. On the front of his neck, for all to see.
"You, and I, I have, what?" Dave is speechless! HA! Teaches you, you cheeky thing.
Walking home from Boots
Ho hum pigs bum. I may have a gigantibus love bite, but so has Dave the so-called laugh.
Back home
Oh poo. The Swiss Family Mad is home. This means I must creep up the stairs like a creepy things a creep tablets. Quiet as a mouse. Mousey girl!
"Gee? Is that you?"
"No Vati, it is a burglar. "
"Don't be so bloody cheeky."
2 minutes later
Putting concealer on a love bite is much harder that it looks. I still have a mark where the love bite is. Double poo and ordure.
1 minute later
Made a mixture of talcum powder and water, and I am going to rub it onto my neck and cover it in foundation. See how vair smart I am in a crisis time like this?
2 minutes later
I have a lump from the goo I put on. But who cares, I am love bite free and Dave the Tart is not. I wonder how I got myself into this mess again. First it was with Robbie, the ex- Sex God. I had used Dave as a red herring. Then I had cheated on Robbie with Dave. Then Dave and I properly went out, but not for long. Then, Masimo came about, and I have cheated on him with Dave again. Bugger. How is it possible for one girl to have a red bottom so large. That's right, it isn't. I am just one cheeky minx, with a hint of Kittykat, and Sexkitty in my blood. Where I get it from, I am not sure. Not from my transvestite Vati, or my prozzie Mutti. That is for sure. Maybe I have gained it. Or maybe it is just an allusion because I am so much better looking then Mutti and Vati. Also much better looking than Fringey. I wonder how it is possible to get fringe soooo vair vair large.