After their twenty-first birthdays, Naruto and Sasuke weren't often apart.
Even as ANBU Black-ops, they often found themselves assigned together, if not with Sakura and Sai alongside. Always, they had each other at their backs (and Sakura and Sai; give credit where it's due) and it was customary for the four of them to sit down for a hot bowl of ramen and a few drinks after a mission.
The first was the worst. Obviously.
Naruto threw up the night they returned through the Konohagakure gates, bile and rations spilling down into the bushes before they'd even made it to Ichiraku. Deny it he might, but Sasuke was nauseous the whole time, and could barely down meals for the rest of the week. Sakura retreated into her books, and Sai-
-well, Sai was Sai. ANBU will be ANBU.
Frankly, in hindsight, it was all the blood.
ANBU wasn't stingy with blades – theirs were razor-sharp, a risky affair and an occupational hazard. Sasuke liked blades, had an affinity for them, but Naruto wouldn't stop waxing lyrical about his trusty kunai at first. The night they set out, the four of them were still sane. Naruto was merrymaking, loudmouth suddenly hushed as they fell asleep one by one in the trees; Sasuke measured his strength by throwing rocks at Naruto's tree and fell asleep early; Sakura was organised and Sai was dead to the world.
It was a simple mission – intel-gathering, the basic stock-standard ANBU kind of thing. What they hadn't really expected (excluding Sai, of course) was the amount of torture it took to get it out of a loyal mark. Blood ran rivers in the underground hideout where they cornered the man, and screams were a new jarring kind of music. Sasuke was not at all proud to remember, afterwards, that he managed to stay cool-headed and quickly learned some smart techniques from Sai. Thank God Kakashi wasn't there, he also remembers thinking, because this was exactly the kind of incriminating performance that his old mentor would consider reason enough to drop by with vegetables and a gentle honesty session.
To his credit, Naruto was impressive too – he'd definitely matured, and clearly was aware of the importance of not only succeeding in their first mission together, but also to gather the intel they needed. Honestly, Sasuke hadn't worried about Sakura, and it turned out he didn't need to either. Medics are terrifying in their calm towards biological aberrations, and she was no exception when fingers and toes fell in quick sequence.
Yes, the first mission was the worst one.
They grew desensitised to it, of course – Sasuke isn't proud of that either, to date, but what can one expect? When Sakura started reciprocating Lee's attentions around the village and put a bit more work into her studies in preparation to take on her own student, Sasuke, Naruto and Sai started eating together. Eventually, it was just Sasuke and Naruto, Naruto and Sasuke.
"We've grown, haven't we?" Naruto says with a smirk one evening, lips blurred by an empty glass sitting between him and Sasuke. He's clearly a little intoxicated, but so is Sasuke, and the lazy question makes him think back to their Genin days.
"Yeah, yeah we have," he agrees quietly, and the silence that ensues is a mutual understanding that that growth is not in the best way. First there was friendship that stemmed from their competition, then a certain maturity when Sasuke struck out on his own with Orochimaru (he winces at that memory, every time), and they bared their souls for the first time in the Valley of the End as thirteen, fourteen year-olds. After that, they grew stronger and ever stronger on their own, but if Naruto's philosophical wanderings are anything to go by, those years they spent apart were never really apart.
In truth, Sasuke thinks, they've been together from the start.
They down another round of drinks but they're not quite drunk when they stumble out of the bar, a conscious metre apart. It feels strange not to sling his arm around Naruto's shoulder or vice versa like that time climbing trees in the Land of Waves, but to fill that emptiness between them is…equally as strange. A little terrifying.
When they part with rueful smiles and a stiff wave, Naruto is the first to turn away.
Thus, after missions and missions together, they're a little perturbed when Kakashi tells them that the next one is for Sasuke, and Sasuke alone. Meanwhile, Naruto would take on Hokage training, so to speak, and from then on their missions would be more often separate than not.
Naruto shrugs it off more quickly too, thousand-watt smile gleaming bright as he turns to Sasuke, "Hokage training! Doesn't that just sound like a ball?"
Sasuke falls back into old habits because sometimes, he feels like he doesn't know how to do anything else. "Sure, deadlast," he smirks, "Have fun."
After that, Naruto makes to chase him around the village ("Deadlast?! How many years do you need to put between us for this to stop?! I can beat you in battle very easily now thank you very much-") but Kakashi gives him a look, and Sasuke understands.
It's been four years, but he's still not quite a Konoha ninja to many. There's trust to rebuild.
What hurts most is that Kakashi is still concerned about him hurting Naruto.
It makes him wonder if Naruto looks at him secretly and frowns instead of smiles.
Does Sakura do that too?
Was that 'forgiveness' tirade just a fake to make him feel better?
Sasuke is re-evaluating, and upon closer inspection, nothing holds up. He excuses himself before the burning behind his eyes materialises into humiliating tears. Kakashi's expression is unfathomable, but Naruto's eyes bore into his back all the way to the door and even after, and Sasuke isn't sure how to feel.
…
Having always had the certainty that Naruto would be watching his back all the time and now having that certainty taken away, Sasuke finds setting out alone a very nerve-wracking prospect. When he dresses in the evening, slipping between the shadows to the meeting spot with his new team, the knowledge that Naruto is not heading to the same place in the same attire with the same stupid grin and mission briefing, is a little sad.
Their mission is to locate a rogue Nin hideout, stake it out and flush out the inhabitants, all in pitch black darkness. Then to figure out the truth in recent rumours hovering around the Fire Country about a rogue Nin attack.
All Sasuke can think of is the blood.
The blood that would involve. Rogue Nin don't speak willingly, and they are strong,
Why is this an ANBU mission and not a Jounin cell mission? Sasuke knows why. The interrogation, for one, because Jounin aren't necessarily ready to torture and do so creatively. Also because no one should know about these rogue Nin in the first place – to find out their hideout is highly risky and possibly expensive information that no one but black-ops controlled by the Hokage should have access to.
It's already late when Sasuke passes by, but he can't help noticing that the light in Naruto's apartment is still on. After all these years, loved hero of the people and whatnot, the knucklehead is still living in that drab excuse for living space. Sasuke has been inside once or twice now, and he knows. Naruto is such a sentimental sop.
Not really sure why, Sasuke alights on the windowsill of Naruto's floor (his friend's floor; it still sounds a little uncomfortable but he's rolled the word around on his tongue a few time and now it sticks). He knocks lightly, and wonders if it can be heard. After a few moments, Naruto pulls open the curtain and gapes at Sasuke, before unlatching the window and yanking it to the side. Of course he could hear it, he's a shinobi trained through and through.
The window makes a horrifying screech and they both cringe at the noise, though Sasuke does it behind his mask.
"Why are you here?" Naruto asks quietly, reaching out to pull the mask off – a dog; it's a gift from Kakashi, along with the pressure of his legacy – and Sasuke shakes his hair out, relishing the chill night breeze that washes over his skin.
As Sasuke registers the question, he takes a long moment to answer because…he doesn't really know either. "I don't know," he replies finally, and it's the whole truth.
Part of it? Sasuke doesn't know anymore.
There is a long moment of silence, and Naruto's eyes are like blue pits that stare back at him, unreadable. A lump lodges itself in Sasuke's throat, and he's a little afraid of the golden Adonis that stands – untouchable, indecipherable, so far away – right before him. This is judgement, he thinks.
Naruto shifts his weight and his hair flops slightly to the side. He's calculating, and it's discomfiting for Sasuke to be on the other end of that lens; he's so used to being the one who calculates. All the power has been stripped from him.
As the lapse in conversation draws on, Sasuke grows aware of a pounding heartbeat in his ears, blood rushing to his head, a quickness in his breath. It's all so alien, so foreign, and the only way he can explain it is like fighting – Naruto. Not really knowing if he will survive, let alone win; the thrill in pain and in dealing it in return. Yet now, it's difficult to say if he'd rather be throwing a punch or-
-God, just to touch his face.
He feels hot all over, a spiky, ant-like irritation that creeps across his body. Sasuke isn't sure he wants to leave more, or stay.
Naruto makes the decision for him, and ends the staring contest. "I'm sorry, you should go; the team shouldn't be kept waiting." He offers a smile – just like any usual one, but Sasuke is sure this is faked. However, he's too flustered to delve (and is it any of his business?), so he presses his mask back on with nervous, shaking fingers and makes to leave.
"Later, then," he mumbles, and Naruto nods back. "Stay safe," Naruto calls after him as he leaps off the sill into a tree, feeling the branch bounce slightly under his weight, though the leaves don't rustle. Sasuke lifts his hand in farewell, unsure of whether Naruto will see, but when he looks back several blocks down after jumping from tree to roof to tree, the man is still standing at the window, lingering, hand on the frame.
It surprises him how much they've actually grown, despite that conversation months ago in the bar. That realisation has never been brought home as starkly as it is now, staring at the silhouette of a full-grown adult.
He still remembers the clumsy, brainless boy who was too loud and too confident for his own good.
As the sky wholly darkens and leaves rush by in a blur, he replays it over and over in his head:
"My name is Uzumaki Naruto! My favourite thing is ramen. What I like even more is when Iruka-sensei treats me to Ichiraku Ramen. What I hate is the three-minute wait after pouring in the hot water, and my dream…."
…
The mission doesn't disappoint. The hideout isn't overly difficult to place, because being ANBU there are requirements and they're all pretty good at the espionage affair. Afterwards, however, a huge fight ensues and Sasuke himself is finding things difficult to keep in hand. They lose two team members - one to loss of blood afterwards, and one to an instant death crushed by a boulder. Things don't get any prettier. Sasuke forces himself to call on Amaterasu even though as ANBU that is strictly prohibited (because ANBU are anonymous but who else can perform eye tricks?), and even then he only barely saves his third teammate from certain demise.
They get no intel, but after some thorough scoping over a week, they conclude that there are no more rogue Nin nearby.
This time it's not screams that threaten to plague his dreams at night, but rather the paralysing terror of his teammates as the battle flew out of control. ANBU don't really engage; they assassinate. By all counts, this mission is almost completely a failure.
As he lies between two branches on a tree a dozen feet from the ground, he thinks of Naruto. The night is a dark one and his remaining teammate is a few metres away, sleeping in almost complete silence in the crooked embrace of her own tree. Sasuke forces himself to replay the battle – all the missed opportunities and mistakes, even the temptation to try his hand at Izanagi (foolish of him, he knows, but things were desperate). And, of course, Naruto's face that flitted in between.
There were several moments when Sasuke risked a mortal wound and the attacker missed by a hair's breadth. Each time, without fail, he'd remember either the Valley of the End or Naruto – their own battle, all the danger involved in that; though it doesn't really count as Naruto never really intended to kill him – and he'd move aside, force his body to shift even slightly despite the fatigue.
Then he'd think of Sakura, and how she'd kill him ten times over if he died before she got the chance to heal him.
After that, Kakashi – he's still strangely obsessed with seeing what is really under the mask. Also, of course, with making the geezer proud because though he might deny it, he's still rather fond of the man and his antics.
Finally, even Sai, the cold bastard. Sasuke can't be replaced again. Grudgingly, he also recognises that Sai has pulled him out of a few scrapes along the way, too.
Thus, in the quiet solitude of a peaceful night, Sasuke fingers his dog tags and listens to them clink softly in the darkness. Having a mission away from former Team 7 is both a disarming and enlightening experience. He finally has space for himself, to analyse his emotions in detail. It's not something he would have done a few years ago, but Naruto has made him see that stoicism is good but also makes him a sort of sociopath. Sometimes letting the dam break can allow for the most bizarre realisations.
It's now that he stops, listens to his heartbeat – regular, comforting – and thinks back to the minutes with Naruto in the window. Sasuke presses his palm against his chest and tries to recall the arrhythmic rhythm of his heart then, daring to wonder if-
-no, but that can't be, it's just the madness of being separated-
-he feels a bit more for Naruto than before?
Sure, they started off as rivals, then warmed to become a wonderfully confusing sort of best friends. After separation, they were bonded still by friendship that deteriorated in intimacy but gained, he supposes, in blind strength. Of course, that would have all been Naruto's doing (but wait a minute, Sasuke thinks, he's just telling himself that he tried to push Naruto away but if he's going to do this analysis the right way, he has to recognise that that's not completely true).
When did this begin?
Three years ago, he thinks; in a soft and surreptitious way at Ichiraku Ramen.
The light shifted around Naruto, a flattering orange ambience that faded the starkness of his hair and sharpened the molten-glass cerulean of his eyes. His laugh was face-splitting, star-shaming, brilliant pearly teeth and exuberant joy written, no, ingrained into his every movement. When he reached out, tan hand glowing like honey and gold over Sasuke's pale palm, he locked their fingers together like the world was theirs to take, only theirs, and all past mistakes were forgiven because the universe had been reborn.
"Blame you? Sasuke, are you blind? No, sorry, wrong choice of words; Sasuke, you must be barking mad to think that. For a time I did, I'll be honest with you, but never forget this: you are my forever, my constant. We started together and you'd be crazy if you thought I'd let us end apart. You're my friend, Sasuke, and I'll tell you straight out that it hurt like hell before. But what does that matter now? I'd be a fool to blame you while you're around and pine after you when you leave. No, I'm moving on, and right now all that matters is that you are here, in Konoha, and – God, aren't I just the luckiest man alive? Everyone I love is right by my side."
All night long, the starlight blinking like topaz in his very skin, Naruto was the lighthouse beacon and his light never did falter.
…
It's before dawn when Sasuke and his companion flit through the Konoha gates and slip like shadows between the waking people to report back.
As the sky changes from pastel pink and purple to a watery blue, they lift hands to knock at the door to the Hokage's office and Kakashi opens it before they can make a noise.
"Good to see you back," he nods, and doesn't let on his confusion at the absence of two other shinobi, though Sasuke can sense his concern.
"The mission was a failure," Sasuke begins, and his companion stiffens almost imperceptibly. They hadn't talked it over though Sasuke made it clear he would do the explaining, the night before.
Kakashi narrows his eye and motions for him to continue. Sasuke clears his throat, "The mission was a failure – we lost two operatives in the field, and managed to extract no intel from the targets."
The woman (a cat mask) shifts her balance and almost makes to interrupt, but stops herself. It irritates Sasuke, who is bent on painting this mission in the clearest, ugliest true light as he possibly can. He's done with being covered for, done with being an afterthought to Naruto and having privileges simply by being the next Hokage's good friend. He's done with the pitying looks shot his way when people recognise him, done with stony silences from shinobi who've lost loved ones to the Ninja War and to him; done with being unable to carry his own burdens by himself.
"All the rogue Nin in that surrounding area were eliminated. However, it is unclear their initial motive and the mission objective to discover further links to other possible threats was unachieved. Therefore, this mission was a failure."
Sasuke bows his head and feels a flutter in his chest at his own vulnerability. "I am ready to accept any punishment for this failure."
The woman takes a moment, but she follows suit and echoes him, albeit slightly reluctantly.
With a rustle of clothing, Kakashi stands (Rokudaime Hokage, Sasuke; don't get familiar) and paces slowly towards them. "I heard there was Amaterasu seen in the forests near the reported location of the hideout. Do you know anything about this?"
"Yes, sir. I breached the ANBU code and resorted to a Kekkai Genkai, in foolishness. For that too, I apologise and am willing to accept punishment."
"Is that so? You know that you are at fault."
"I do."
He walks away slowly and stops in front of the cat ANBU. "What is your understanding of the result of this mission?"
Sasuke sighs inaudibly as the woman winces slightly at the question.
"It was a failure, sir, as the mission objective was not successfully achieved. However, the rogue Nin were entirely eliminated and will no longer be a dire threat as precautions were taken to ensure the area will no longer be a safe harbour for anyone."
Nodding slowly, Kakashi steps back to his desk and hands the cat ANBU a pile of paperwork. "I expect the mission report on my desk tomorrow morning," he informs her, and she nods before leaving – a flash of movement out of the open window.
"Sasuke," Kakashi sighs, and it's a note of long-suffering. "Why do you insist on being so hard on yourself?"
Lifting his head, Sasuke surveys the room and his old mentor gives a chuckle. "It's just the two of us, rest assured," his eye crinkles in a smile and Sasuke slowly takes off his dog mask.
"Hard on myself? Like you can talk," he mutters in reply, and Kakashi shakes out his sleeves to pull his Hokage jacket off. He leans forward, and it's just like eight years ago the first time; youthful and wise, a white-haired enigma.
He smiles, and Sasuke is surprised by the flush of emotion that slides through his system. "Sometimes missions are failures. However, that does not rule out their successes."
Sasuke shakes his head obstinately, "I'd only ever have the privilege of downplaying the failures while you or Naruto are Hokage. Any other would expect ANBU to be self-critical and be prepared for punishment."
"That's true, I'll give you that, but that's not all I was getting at."
Kakashi begins to pace again, across the floor of the spacious, airy room. Sasuke watches him and frowns at the ambiguity of their situation, but there's also a flutter of hope in the pit of his stomach. Hope, that Kakashi no longer treats him like a mentally-infirm patient, but rather just a treasured student. Hope that more people have forgiven him in this time than he realised.
"I hear from Naruto that you're always pushing away those who love you."
Stiffening, Sasuke makes to interrupt but Kakashi holds up a hand, his back to the ANBU as he gazes out of the huge window in the room.
"Let me finish. I hear that though you now recognise the need for emotions, as well as love and being loved, you're unconsciously pushing people away because you're afraid – I don't know, uncertain – that they haven't forgiven you and thus you have no right to try and become their friend or such. You're denying yourself your own freedom, Sasuke."
It drives a stake through his heart to hear those words from Naruto, and then from his teacher. Indeed, more people have been observing him than he has taken the care to notice, and in these short years, Naruto has indeed grown and grown perceptive. Sasuke cannot distinguish emotions from truth anymore, but the one constant that has always remained with him is the bond with Naruto. Turns out he doesn't know the shinobi as well as he used to, or thought he did.
Is it true, though? Sasuke can't tell. It's hard to tell anything through the turmoil that threatens to drive his mind black.
Kakashi turns around and walks toward him, eye bright in the shadow of his face as the light falls over his back and outlines his figure.
"Think, Sasuke, let yourself think. You've well proven yourself in the past four years and it's high time you had a life of your own. There will always be people who hate you without any room for redemption in their hearts, but your true friends have already forgiven you."
He presses a hand on Sasuke's shoulder. "You're no longer Orochimaru's body double, nor Madara's plaything; you are Uchiha Sasuke and you are a Konoha shinobi. Go and follow your heart instead of shying away from anything that might hurt you."
Then, Kakashi turns his back and waits without another word until Sasuke has left.
…
Konohagakure is a large village, by any count.
Sasuke wanders through it, aimlessly, listlessly. He's unaware of the people around him and the emptiness of his stomach; has even forgotten the terror of his last mission. Instead, he's lost in a trance.
The village has changed a lot since he lived here, but it's no surprise given that Pain destroyed it years ago and it had to be rebuilt from scratch. History seems so removed here, where it has regained a bustling day life and the people are leading such mundane, content existences that it seems nothing could possibly have been amiss just a few seasons past. The only sign that things have really changed are intermittent posters of Naruto's smiling face pasted across walls, labelled: The Hero of Our Time.
Here, Sasuke could almost imagine being five years old again, pitied and lonely, and that the same stupid blond boy would be sitting on the slope above the jetty, brooding.
Things have really changed. He's no longer the same vindictive avenger he used to be, and Naruto is no longer the feared demon fox. His values have changed, his appearance has changed; the world no longer seems to fit him mould by model.
…
It's soon evening, and Sasuke sits alone at a partition secluding two seats, and picks at his food.
Metres away at the restaurant doorway, there is a commotion and Sasuke looks up languidly, and his attention is arrested by two bright blue eyes.
Golden hair.
An incredulous gaze.
Sasuke's breath stops, and he wonders for a moment where he is.
The moment ends abruptly when Naruto looks away and laughs sheepishly at the faces turned his way, rubbing the back of his neck with a hand. "Hello, hello," he tells them, shaking a few hands and nodding in acknowledgment. "Enjoy your dinner, everyone!"
The conversation peaks moments later and slowly abates. Naruto picks his way through the tables towards Sasuke, and stops in front of him. "So, you're back."
All of a sudden, the laugh has vanished from his eyes and the space between them is tense, uncertain.
"I am," Sasuke agrees, and Naruto slides into the chair opposite him. "Why did you come to this place?" he asks, and Sasuke shrugs. "It just appeared on the corner of the street and I picked it."
Naruto chuckles, "That's kind of why I'm here too. Coincidence, no?"
"Did Kakashi tell you I was back?"
"Nah," Naruto shook his head with a smile. "But I kind of felt a vibe."
After a few more moments, he gestures to Sasuke's salad. "Are you going to finish that?"
"No," Sasuke replies, and Naruto nods slowly. "Want to go back to my place?"
"Is there dinner?"
"Of course," Naruto says, and Sasuke pretends he doesn't realise it's just going to be two-minute ramen like always. "Alright," he agrees, and they stand and pay the bill (Naruto pushes Sasuke out of the way at the cash register and then drags him out of the restaurant, followed by a few curious eyes).
They run back to Naruto's apartment, keeping a comfortable pace together. It's funny, Sasuke thinks, that after beating all those high-end rogue Nin and Danzo and even his brother, ill as Itachi was (rest his soul), the only shinobi who can compete with him is still his best friend – resident braindead, silly, bumbling blond hero.
Training together, they really are at the same level.
Naruto points to the lights overhead and Sasuke counts their colours. He smiles at a little boy carrying a lantern, and looks away when the mother draws her son a little closer. Naruto notices, however, and flashes the woman a beaming grin and she is taken aback for a moment, before she nods to Sasuke too and smiles back in return, albeit a little hesitantly.
The stars are almost impossible to see under the fog of factory pipes and vapour rising off of hot bowls of food in outdoor stalls. "The lights are too bright," Naruto mentions once in passing, and Sasuke hears more than that simple sentence, more longing than just for stars.
…
"Milk?"
"Do you have water?"
"Ok."
Naruto fills a glass of cold water and slides it across the table. Breathing lightly over his bowl, Sasuke tries the ramen and nothing has ever tasted so good, though he'd rather die than admit that to Naruto. It's probably because he's hungry, and safe.
Safe. It's not often that he can feel that unconditionally, but here, he does.
"So, uh," Naruto tries to speak with his mouth full of noodles. "It's a bad question, but how was the mission?"
Sasuke shrugs, and his friend understands. "It was alright. Felt strange without the lot of you chatting over my head all the time, though."
They drop the subject and Naruto moves onto the new ramen stall that has opened not ten metres from Ichiraku. "It's a scandal," he exclaims furiously, but Sasuke finds it increasingly hard to take him seriously as Naruto finds more and more creative ways to stuff his mouth with food and talk around it, spewing crumbs and soup everywhere.
When there is a lull in conversation (which isn't often, given the rate at which Naruto talks like the world is going to end any minute), the silence is punctuated by soft groans of "This sauce! The meat! Oh man, this is so good," or "I wish I could eat another bowl."
Finally, Naruto leans back and pats his stomach. "Man, I'm stuffed," he grins, and belches rudely. Sasuke can't quite stop a snort and they look at each other over the table, and burst into laughter.
"Alright, alright," Naruto gasps as the fit subsides. There's a certain kind of beauty that comes with laughter regardless of how ugly it might look or sound. Sasuke is so, so glad that he is back. Suddenly the world is all in colour, a psychedelic spin of colours that bring every sound and movement into unbelievable clarity.
"It's sorta late, do you want to sleep?"
Sasuke looks up, and thinks. "Yeah, I'll go," he replies, and stands to push his chair back. Naruto runs around the table and waves his arms, frightfully energetic for a man so incredibly full after, what, four bowls of instant ramen?
"No, no, no, no, no," he proclaims, and Sasuke pauses in confusion. "You are not walking back to your place this late, this full, right after an ANBU mission. Alright?"
"Not a chance," Sasuke says, brow furrowing. "I can't stay here! That's trespassing. You need your sleep; besides, you also know what it's like the first night after a mission."
There's sympathy in Naruto's eyes, but also obstinate persistence. "I do, but that doesn't change anything. In fact, I've been thinking lately that that's all the more reason for there to be friends around. After all, what is a friend for? A friend in need is a friend indeed."
Sasuke is overtaken by panic at the thought of having Naruto next door tonight. Tonight, of all nights. His mind swims with thoughts: the in-depth analysis before sleeping in a tree, Kakashi's lecture, wandering the streets, and the terrible nightmares.
All perfectly valid, incredibly important reasons to be sleeping at his home, alone, tonight.
However, just as he managed to bring Sasuke back despite all odds, Naruto's insistence is hard to deter. "Absolutely yes," he decides, and that's that unless Sasuke wants to start the Fifth Ninja War.
"I'm a room away if you need, and the walls are thick," Naruto says with a smile, and Sasuke breathes slowly, trying to convince himself that this will be alright after all. "Sure, thanks," he murmurs, as Naruto rolls out a futon on the floor and carries a pillow from another room.
He points to the light, "Use it if you need," and the toilet ("Over there"), and wishes Sasuke a good night. "Sleep well and don't hesitate to call me if something comes up! I'm a light sleeper, but I sleep easily."
Sasuke nods, and dares to think that it will all be alright.
He listens at Naruto's door a few minutes later until his friend's breathing evens out and Sasuke is sure he is asleep. Then he pads quietly to his futon and closes his eyes, forbidding his mind to wander beyond a black canvas, and eventually sleep takes him away.
…
Sometime in the night, he wakes in cold sweat and blind terror, a scream dwindling at his lips. He sees the boulder, sees it smashing into his teammate, sees the blood and the gore and the blades spinning. He's dealt worse before – to Danzo, and to others. Shame and horror co-exist within him and his stomach roils with discomfort. Before it takes him by a paralysing grip, he calls to mind a smiling face: bright and brilliant, a lighthouse beacon, a candle that burns itself for others.
Blood runs through his fingers but he's only imagining it; still, he focuses on his heartbeat and counts his breaths, slowly sitting up and manoeuvring his body out of the bedsheets quietly.
Naruto is still asleep, he is glad to see, but he can't stay. The night air calls him, promises a clear mind and freedom out of the confines of this small apartment.
He pulls open the window and climbs out onto the windowsill, and inhales.
Out here, he is Sasuke, just Sasuke.
Nimbly, Sasuke climbs up the wall by the pipe on the side, until he manages to gain footing on the roof. Everything is still too bright for stars, but at least he is no longer trapped in a small space.
He tries to imagine the constellations there and if he squints, he can kind of see the outline of half a few. Naruto's voice comes unbidden in the darkness, the first night Sasuke was back in Konoha.
"If you ever lose your way, just follow the stars. Know the constellations, and you will be home. Look, there's Betelgeuse: it's the hand of Orion, the hunter. He's also said to be the most handsome of the earth-born. Just like me! So remember Orion, and remember me."
A soft rain begins to fall, pitter-patter over his shoulders and head. Impulsively, Sasuke leaps down from the roof and touches the ground running, and keeps running, step over step and hand over hand. The rain is cleansing, he thinks, and it's going to be a new beginning of sorts until the next one.
After a while the rain grows heavier and Sasuke has run a full circle around the outskirts of the village. He promises himself five laps, and sets his mind to it, even as his shirt sticks to his back and his hair is pasted onto his forehead. Sasuke squints through the water dripping down his face and delights in the deluge, knowing only the joy of having no lingering concerns – they all slip like quicksilver through his mind as his breath quickens and he steps into the fourth lap.
Halfway through his fifth, the rain halts for a few minutes and starts up again, very lightly. Suddenly, Sasuke knows.
There's been something missing in his life for all these years, and right now that emptiness is filling up quickly like a tank full of water, or explosives.
It's about to erupt out of him, bubbling ferociously right under the surface, and Sasuke has never felt so alive, so full.
He holds onto that fullness until he completes the lap and stops outside of Naruto's apartment. His breath is coming in hasty gasps, from the cold and the exertion and a thunderous pounding of blood rushing through his ears.
He knows.
Sasuke knocks on the window of Naruto's room, and it's not two minutes until a familiar face peers blearily out of the glass, curtain cast aside, and unlatches the window.
They stare at each other for a moment, and something dawns on Naruto's face.
After all that thrilling excitement of something glowing like sleeping embers right on the horizon, Sasuke is suddenly afraid of stepping out into the unknown. He seizes up, and second-guesses himself, and hesitates.
Naruto sees and leans forward, taking Sasuke's face in his hands, and-
-Sasuke breaths in softly, starts to hope-
-presses their lips together.
For a few seconds, Sasuke doesn't dare to breathe, doesn't dare to move at all.
Then, finally and all too soon, Naruto draws back and Sasuke takes in that rugged face shrouded in the shadows of a darkened room. It's so familiar to him; he's known it all his life and, he thinks, for even longer than that.
"Are you ok?" Naruto whispers, and Sasuke can hear the nervousness laced through that question, like a raw flame woven into unlit coals, waiting to be nurtured into being.
"Yeah," he whispers back, "Yeah. Never been better."
Naruto laughs and wraps his arms around Sasuke's neck, pulling him off of the windowsill and into the room. They collapse on top of each other on the floor, and Naruto kisses him again, more bravely and more urgently. This time Sasuke responds, and it's still not enough when they pull apart again.
Moonlight shines through the open window and silvers everything it touches, a sheen of luminescence. It feels surreal, painfully ephemeral, and Naruto's laugh is like moonshine, and Sasuke is intoxicated.
"This," he says, "this," and Naruto understands.
"I've been waiting for so long."
…
"Sasuke, you can't always make everyone happy though it's noble to try. Stop for a moment and think: what is that you want? It's not selfish to focus on your own needs sometimes; it's very necessary."
"What I want?"
"Yeah, what do you want?"
"I don't know anymore."
I do now, Sasuke thinks, and hell be damned if I'll ever let it go.